Depression and Anxiety Thread

[kikie]

Don't forget that your way of thinking is completely changed, altered in a very negative and strange way. Reality seems to be different if you're in the same state I'm when I have these severe clinical depressions.

It is very strange because when I'm depression, anxiety and what not, free, as I am right now, I can't remember these thoughts and feelings about reality and so on. These thoughts and feelings are gone and everything is back to normal. I remember having these thoughts and feelings but I don't remember how it felt.
When your brain is messed up, you're experiencing very strange things e.g. paranoia, psychoses (not always), phobia, your view of life itselfs is altered to the point that it is not worth living anymore.

I know now that all of my problems are a result of being bullied for years. Not only in school but in public by total strangers, friends, etc... . Wherever I went, I was targeted. It started when I was around 13 - 14 y.o. and it stopped before I was around 25. It made me even more sensitive than I already was. I never talked about it. I always bottled up these negative feelings (trauma) for many years. Before the bullying started, I was always the leader of the pack.

After that, I became very introvert, anxious, didn't know how to behave anymore in public, started to use humor as a defence mechanism, a little bit paranoide, lost my selfconfidence, problems with starting and finishing stuff, like college,
inferiority complex, acting strangly, say strange things because I didn't know how to behave anymore amongst other people because I always thought they were against me, didn't like me, wanted to get rid of me and so on. I always thought I was a freak, abonimation etc... .
Everybody thought I had a screw lose. . And still, I made a lot of friends because the leader of the pact thing was still inside me, I was friendly, diplomatic ...... blabla, blabla.

Many people think they are depressed but they just aren't as happy as other people. Feeling down and unhappiness is not a depression.
I remember that my neuro-psychiatrist once said to me that if you feel bad, it doesn't mean that you're depressed.





I only want to write one or two sentences and I almost wrote a novel again.

 

[Johnnypenso]

Don't forget that your way of thinking is completely changed, altered in a very negative and strange way. Reality seems to be different if you're in the same state I'm when I have these severe clinical depressions.

It is very strange because when I'm depression, anxiety and what not, free, as I am right now, I can't remember these thoughts and feelings about reality and so on. These thoughts and feelings are gone and everything is back to normal. I remember having these thoughts and feelings but I don't remember how it felt.
When you brain is messed up, you're experiencing very strange things e.g. paranoia, psychoses (not always), phobia, your view of life itselfs is altered to the point that it is not worth living anymore.

I know now that all of my problems are a result of being bullied for years. Not only in school but in public by total strangers, friends, etc... . Wherever I went, I was targeted. It started when I was around 13 - 14 y.o. and it stopped before I was around 25. It made me even more sensitive than I already was. I never talked about it. I always bottled up these negative feelings (trauma) for many years. Before the bullying started, I was always the leader of the pack.

After that, I became very introvert, anxious, didn't know how to behave anymore in public, started to use humor as a defence mechanism, a little bit paranoide, lost my selfconfidence, problems with starting and finishing stuff, like college,
inferiority complex, acting strangly, say strange things because I didn't know how to behave anymore amongst other people because I always thought they were against me, didn't like me, wanted to get rid of me and so on. I always thought I was a freak, abonimation etc... .
Everybody thought I had a screw lose. . And still, I made a lot of friends because the leader of the pact thing was still inside me, I was friendly, diplomatic ...... blabla, blabla.

Many people think they are depressed but they just aren't as happy as other people. Feeling down and unhappiness is not a depression.
I remember that my neuro-psychiatrist once said to me that if you feel bad, it doesn't mean that you're depressed.

I only want to write one or two sentences and I almost wrote a novel again.

I'm curious to know what you think are the reasons why the bullies target(ed) you. Bullying is never justified obviously, but I'm curious as to what you think might be the twisted reason in their heads for choosing you vs. someone else.

 

[kikie]

I'm curious to know what you think are the reasons why the bullies target(ed) you. Bullying is never justified obviously, but I'm curious as to what you think might be the twisted reason in their heads for choosing you vs. someone else.

The reason: I want to keep that to myself.

Why they and so many different people targeted me for years : Karma? Or I was an easy target?

 

[Johnnypenso]

The reason: I want to keep that to myself.

Why they targeted me for years and so many different people: Karma? Or I was an easy target?

No problem. I was just curious is all.

 

[Michael88]

Not really. Full force depression is unsustainable. That's why people commit suicide.

Mild depression can be adapted to and dealt with to a certain extent, especially if it starts when you're young and you don't know any better. Looking back, I figure it started kicking in for me when I was six. I just thought that was how people were, and that I was worse at dealing with it than other people. It took nearly thirty years before I got the combination of enough experience to know better and a really bad few months to make the symptoms bad enough to seek help. But if the depression had been that bad and that sustained when I was young, I'd never have made it past the age of ten.

If you've been depressed, then you'll know that there are periods when it's so bad that you couldn't put up with it for any significant length of time. If it's always gone away for you quickly enough that you could stagger through, then that's great. I guess it's that way for many people. But it's not that way for everyone. There are definitely people like @kikie that just get creamed by it. Brain chemistry can be a bitch.

There is no adjusting. It's just unbearably awful. The whole point is that your brain chemistry is maladjusted, which then leads to all the other problems that kikie describes. And it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the depression kills the motivation and ability that you'd need to fight the depression. Beyond a certain point, there's no real way out of the hole other than waiting, hoping, and scrabbling along trying to keep yourself fed and sane.

Some people can become extremely good at suppressing their own feelings to protect themselves - That does not mean they are not horribly depressed deep down and that everything is fine and dandy, what it does mean is that the brain can deal with depression like it can with any other traumatic event.
People in extreme situations experience things that would destroy them, but the brain finds a way to keep on going. That does not mean the person is fine or not traumatized.

 

[Imari]

Some people can become extremely good at suppressing their own feelings to protect themselves - That does not mean they are not horribly depressed deep down and that everything is fine and dandy, what it does mean is that the brain can deal with depression like it can with any other traumatic event.

It depends. If your depression is purely as a result of trauma, sure, maybe. If your depression is a result of chemical or physical problems with your brain, not so much, probably. In that case, the whole point would be that your brain does not function in a normal fashion. I already explained how you can find yourself in a hole from which there is nothing you can reasonably do.

I feel like you don't quite get this.

People in extreme situations experience things that would destroy them, but the brain finds a way to keep on going. That does not mean the person is fine or not traumatized.

I never said that they were fine or not traumatized. And people in extreme situations do not always find a way to keep going. Sometimes they collapse under the pressure. Sometimes it's simply too much. Sometimes it's not possible for the brain to keep going.

Again, I feel like you don't quite get this. It's all well and good to be optimistic, but there are situations in which it's physically impossible to keep going. Or where simply breathing in and out takes every ounce of willpower and strength that you have.

Clearly you haven't been there and I hope that you never experience it, but I'm not entirely sure it's helpful to tell people "hey, you'll adapt". You don't know what you're talking about. You're telling people with broken legs to try walking it off and the pain will go away. It don't work like that.

 

[kikie]

Some people can become extremely good at suppressing their own feelings to protect themselves - That does not mean they are not horribly depressed deep down and that everything is fine and dandy, what it does mean is that the brain can deal with depression like it can with any other traumatic event.
People in extreme situations experience things that would destroy them, but the brain finds a way to keep on going. That does not mean the person is fine or not traumatized.

I agree with what you say. There is only one word I don't agree and that is "horribly".

If someone is horribly depressed, the brain can't cope with that because the brain chemistry is completely messed up and even parts of the brain doesn't function anymore or not properly. This has been proven with scans.
If someone like you is horribly depressed, you will lose muscle tissue and a lot of weight. However, if you have a chronic depression (which I had for many years before I got severly depressed) you can live with it, you can deal with it and life is do-able, I agree with you if that is the case. But not if you're horribly depressed. If that is the case, you wouldn't be lifting weights, you wouldn't go on vacation (photos you posted from these vacation, that's how I know). You start to get all kinds of physical problems, like anxiety, psychoses, hallucinatons, aggression, weight loss, muscle loss, stomach ulster, hair loss, digestion problems, uncontrolable crying, suicide, phobia, not being able to sleep of fall asleep without medication. Not being able to laugh and eat at all, you don't think normally or act normally anymore, e.g. you start spending money on things you never spend that amount of money on, you don't have any mental blockage anymore. I remember when I had these severe depressions, I started to ask out girls for a drink, something I have a lot of problems with when I'm uuhhh, "normal". Your cognitive abilities are impaired etc ... .

To some it up:

1) You are correct that people can cope with depression for many years if this a chronic depression and mild as @Imari mentioned. I was chronic depressed for many years (didn't even know it that time) because of two traumas, untill I fell to pieces and had my first major depression. You can live with such a depression for many years without even having physical problems.
So, yes, I agree with you 100% with what you said except that "horrible" part.

2) No, you are definitely mistaken if you say that people can cope with "horrible" depressions. If horrible means a severe or major depression, it is impossible to cope with that, to live with that. The brain doesn't function properly enough anymore that it can't adapt to this depression anymore and you will 100% sure, physically break down your body.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This last depression that I had, that started at 11pm or a little bit later that evening, started when I was reading on medical websites, again, until I read something about cancer (it was much more specific than that but I don't want to go any deeper) and in a fraction of a second, I got a very severe and unbelievable panic attack. My first thought was taking medication and get it over with, this was just a second after I had this panic attack. Then, somehow I had a very short moment of rational thinking and thought about the suicide prevention line. I looked up the number and called the suicide prevention line. I talked to them, with 3 different people, each for one hour and at around 6 am I called a doctor. It was that bad.
That same day, I felt the consequence of the panic attack a couple of hours ago. Then I made a huge mistake. I started taking Lorazepam without any medical supervision. Previous depressions, I also took Lorazepam but only when I needed it the most. I was careful not to get depended on these toxic drugs. This time, I don't know what happened but I started to take Lorazepam every single day, different dosages every day etc ... .

To make a long story a little bit shorter . I have a paradoxical reaction from benzodiaziphines. Lorazepam is a benzo. The paradoxical reaction (= an adverse reaction) in my case means that instead of getting less anxious, I got severe anxiety attacks. This was when I took Lysanxia for only 4 days. Due to Lysanxia, I went from a mild depression to a major depression in only 4 days and I had 4 severe anxiety attacks that week, even to that extent that I had to call an ambulance.
My psychiatrist prescribed me Lysanxia to get rid of my anxiety (not attacks), which was cause by Lorazepam. My reaction to Lysanxia is what I described above. Instead of curing my anxiety, these benzos made it worse.
After a few days, I got better, started to eat again. It only took a few days (4) for the Lysanxia to get out of my system.
After a few weeks, my psychiatrist prescribed Xanas, another benzo, that should get rid of my anxiety. Eventhough by this time, my psychiatrist knew the paradoxical reaction to benzos, he prescribed another benzo, again. After taking Xanax for 5 days, 3 tablets a day, I got the same reaction as with Lysanxia. I went from a mild depression to a major depression and had more anxiety. Again, I had to stop Xanax immediately and again after a few days, I got better, and started eating again.
The Lorazepam is less powerfull and not designed to get rid of anxiety, it is still a benzo and this toxic drugs kept my mild depression from getting better. It is only now, after 8 months of agony, losing a lot of weight, mainly muscle tissue and less body fat, I'm getting out of this mild depression. Why, because I finally got to the point that I'm almost reduced Lorazepam to 0mg a day.
I went from 6mg a day to 0.25mg a day, today in several months. Next week, I have to stop taking Lorazepam and hopefully, knock on wood, I'll get better because I want to start a paramedic training and if I do and pass, I want to specialize myself even further.

My psychiatrist, whom knew me for years, wasn't pleased when I said that Lorazepam was the cause of my depression not getting better. He disagreed, although I knew that my own diagnosis was correct. At the end of january I met a psychiatrist in the E.R., whom agreed with me. He even said that it is medical knowledge that benzos can initiate a depression or in my case keep my mild depression from getting better. I fired my psychiatrist that I've know for many years and got a colleageu of him instead. She's much, much younger than my previous psychiatrist and she also said the same thing about benzos and depression. She also said that she believed me and that the benzo (Lorazepam) was the case of all my problems.

Can I stop now? This feels good, writing all of it down. Sort of, kind of a therapy.


It seems that I was t'reed by @Imari It also seems that he and I are on the same page.

It took me so long to write this crap down, I didn't even know he posted some stuff before me.

 

[W3H5]

"You're not depressed, you're just not as happy as other people."



Happiness is recent invention. If we live 100 years ago then half the complaints we have would be void.

I'm not negating that some of us have chemical problems but depression is an illness, not a bandwagon for the miserable.

From years of being a depressive I've come to understand that it is controllable for the most part, either through medication or other means.

Don't count yourself out. As much as it feels like tomorrow will destroy you more than the previous day, just remember you're still alive to be depressed, and if you are then you haven't truely meet the bottom of the bottle and the exit plan.

Chin up, chaps.

 

[ToyGTone]

I finished school last Wednesday and i'm about to graduate soon. I was happy and felt relief at first but then I started to feel bad once again. I remember telling my parents that i will still feel the same way even after I finished school but they insisted that all my troubles will go away. I believed them and guess what? They were wrong.

I'm still the same depressed person as before. I started to feel even more lonely when I barely talked to anyone... I probably never talked to any of my friends including those close ones. They seems to left me and moved on. Now I also have a pretty messed up sleep times and tend to struggle to sleep until it's 6 or 7 AM and only wake up at 18. There been times where I just sit alone in the bed or on the bathroom thinking about myself, my future and the current situation only to result in me tearing up and end up crying for some moments. I feel like I don't have any future. I feel like it's all going to be the same old meaningless world that doesn't accept me and full of miserable life while everyone else seems to be enjoying it.

Yesterday, I went for a walk down to a fast food restaurant. When I got there, suddenly I felt depressed remembering and thinking about my life at the moment. It reached to the point that I lost interest in doing anything at all and just sit in the corner alone. Whatever this happens, everything that I enjoy suddenly isn't enjoyable anymore. I looked around and saw other groups around my age chatting and enjoying their meal. I felt even worse and was wondering why I no longer having something like this anymore? Then I left and went to another fast food restaurant where the same thing happened but this time, I forced myself to order something and eat. While I was waiting, I started to think about myself again and once again, I felt bad to the point I went to the W/C and cried a bit. It's just me thinking how difficult life is and how it's been like that for a while.

After I finished eating and i was a bit cheerfull, I started to regret eating and wished if I could get rid of it by any sort of way so I decided to force myself to joggle and run all the way to my house which's 10 minutes away as a sort of punishment and to torture myself. I couldn't breathe as I'm a bit fat but I continued until I reached home where I literally collapsed and couldn't talk at all.

I Dont know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like i'm a waste. There's no one to relate to anymore. I doubt I could study what I want and do whatever I would like to. I don't feel free at all and I feel controlled by people. I feel like i'm hated and unloved. Why everyone seems to be getting together while I'm struggling to do so. Why people seems to talk easily while I shutter and talk as if I'm fearful of anything wrong happening. Why I suck at everything at life?

I just want to move on to another place and be who I want to be. Control everything by my own. I don't want to remember the terrible past I had here. I just want to start a new life and move on from the past. Maybe people will accept who I am and would help me more.

But I believe this is not the case. I believe it would still be the awful world where no one understands you and your struggle or feelings. It would still be that world where people judged negatively for being different or abnormal. I don't think I will ever achieve my goals or do things I dream about doing or owning. I don't think I will ever be friends with anyone or be a couple with someone at all. I feel that people will reject me and tell me to leave or even attack me.

One more thing, why do I feel like my depression and problems with life isn't real and just stupid complains despite having legitimate problem that could possibly cause destruction to my life?

 

[wowbaggerBR]

I spent years suffering from depression without knowing. The illness was bred from the way I dealt with losses: I burried my father on my 18° birthday and less than two years later, our house went down on flames and my little brother, just nine years old, died in the incident. We lost simply everything. I've never faced the feelings brought by those events really, ignored them because I thought I just needed to be strong, no matter what.

This created that depressed persona, that lack of vitality to take control of our own life, to be in a position of assuming risks, doing the things that you know you not only should, but need to. In a specially dark time, I thought seriously about ending my own life and it was just by sheer love that I took the time to take some deep breaths and not doing anything stupid. It took years of my life away (but, strangely, I'm thankful for what I experienced because it made me a better, kinder, person). Anyway.

I improved with therapy, lots, and lots, and lots of therapy. I was diagnosed with a mild depression, slow burning one, that only became serious because it drag itself for way too long. So, I never took antidepressants and I kind of feel lucky for this. I was always worried about meds turning me into something else, someone I don't wanted necessarily to be, something that wouldn't be me.

Pass forward to last december.

I always thought I was just little more sad than other people, that my negative way of thinking is natural, because life is very hard sometimes. But for the last four years, I was in love with someone trully special (the object of my pure love that kept me from taking my own life), someone who put me in a position where I began to face all those things, to ask myself what I was doing with my own life. We had a fight, she asked for some time alone, went away, never talked to me since and today, after I sent her kind words asking about where we're at, she just replied with two cold stone sentences, saying that there wasn't something to end because she already had burried all the last time we spoke.

And it broked me. I'm terrified of being depressed again, of feeling all this sadness, for which I was preparing myself all these past months, but that I hoped it won't came to be. I love her, trully and sincerely, and as much as I can see that she doesn't care for me anymore, that she was incredibly unfair with me, it still hurts like hell.

Sorry for derail the thread, I needed to vent. I'm living in a fairly small town, no friends, no places to go after years living in gigantic cities with lots of interesting stuff to do and knowing that someone could eventually read this helps, somehow.

 

[lbpomg95]

Well, my life has recently taken a turn. For the better, actually. Not sure why I'm posting here but I've got time to kill.

I haven't been happy for the last two years. Not happy at all. I don't know if you'd call it depression, or anger, or a bad temper, or whatever label you want to attach to it. I never saw a doctor of any kind, and I never told anyone how I really felt for the last two years, until recently.

It's not the first time I've had that anger/depression/temper/sadness/whatever. Middle school was the worst four years of my (admittedly short) life. Constant bullying, from friends and foes alike. It took 3 years of high school to repair and restore the personality and confidence that I'd lost. Different story, different time.

For the last two years, I have been working full-time in the motor industry as an aftersales advisor for Peugeot. Basically I booked in cars when they went wrong and sourced/ordered parts. The service manager was (and is) a horrible person. Constantly ripping people off left right and centre for the advancement of his yearly bonus, telling me to do the same, and then the bullying, belittling insults he threw my way started to chip away at my personality again. I went to bed struggling to sleep, dreading the next day. I'd wake up and not want to get out of bed, because it meant I was that much closer to work. I wasn't even particularly tired, I was just so lacking in any kind of will power.

Things then got worse. I'd bought a classic car (Volvo 240) as a project shortly after I started work. Being around that car was like a small moment of bliss and happiness (or maybe just escapism) to take my mind off my work. The car needed a lot of work though. I made the stupid mistake of sending it to one of the other branches belonging to the people I work for (Volvo main dealer). They buggered up the car and charged me £1500, then lied to me and blagged me off when I called them out on it. That nearly sent me over the edge. My sanity was hanging by a thread. Treating me like dirt was one thing but my car was something else entirely. At this point I'd spent a grand or two already. It felt like the car had been turned to scrap and that money had just turned into a useless hunk of metal.

Again, I don't know whether any of you would call this depression or not. I felt more angry than sad. I've not told anyone this, but there were nights where, on the way home from work, I would park up on the side of the road (country lane, very quiet) and get out of the car. I shouted and bellowed until I physically couldn't anymore, and then finished the journey home. It got pretty regular. It was like a vent. I'd imagine I was talking to (or at) either my boss, the service manager or the people that worked on my car. I'd have dreams where I was breaking chairs over the back of the manager's head. My voice was shot.

Maybe one or two people knew part of how I felt. In general I wasn't nice to be around. Being in that kind of environment changes things like your moral compass, your temperament and so on. Like I said, I never saw any doctor or therapist, I kept it mostly to myself. So for all I know or care it probably wasn't depression. Probably just that I didn't handle stress or anger well. But I was angry. Very angry, and all the time. Generally I needed ambient music like Brian Eno's Apollo album to help me sleep at night. Between my morals and my anger I wasn't sleeping well at all.

Recently, I managed to leave. I have now started my own business, doing something I enjoy. The 240 was fixed and is nearly restored. I'm sleeping uninterrupted (save for the 30 degrees C summer heat). Things have finally begun to go right for me. The bad things in my life have gone away. For the first time in two years, I can honestly say I'm happy.

There probably wasn't much reason for me posting here. I probably wan't even depressed. Maybe there's an anger management thread I missed somewhere. Maybe this can help someone though, if nothing else just to say there's something better than this coming along. The bad won't last forever.

I always thought I was just little more sad than other people, that my negative way of thinking is natural, because life is very hard sometimes. But for the last four years, I was in love with someone trully special (the object of my pure love that kept me from taking my own life), someone who put me in a position where I began to face all those things, to ask myself what I was doing with my own life. We had a fight, she asked for some time alone, went away, never talked to me since and today, after I sent her kind words asking about where we're at, she just replied with two cold stone sentences, saying that there wasn't something to end because she already had burried all the last time we spoke.

And it broked me. I'm terrified of being depressed again, of feeling all this sadness, for which I was preparing myself all these past months, but that I hoped it won't came to be. I love her, trully and sincerely, and as much as I can see that she doesn't care for me anymore, that she was incredibly unfair with me, it still hurts like hell.

Sorry for derail the thread, I needed to vent. I'm living in a fairly small town, no friends, no places to go after years living in gigantic cities with lots of interesting stuff to do and knowing that someone could eventually read this helps, somehow.

I was scared of medication as well. Part of the reason I never saw any doctors. After what happened to Chris Cornell last month I'm glad I didn't get any medication. His music helped me through a lot of dark places, and to see him gone so young has been saddening.

How long had you two been apart when she asked for alone time before you spoke to her again?

Don't let that pain take over. Don't let yourself get to that stage of suicidal thoughts again. You're better than that, and there are people who care about you and need you, I guarantee it. You've been through so much, you've suffered some of the worst that life can throw at you. You're still standing. You're strong. Was this cliche? I dunno, just know that there's got to be better things to come or better times ahead.

 

[Dan]

Well, my life has recently taken a turn. For the better, actually. Not sure why I'm posting here but I've got time to kill.

I haven't been happy for the last two years. Not happy at all. I don't know if you'd call it depression, or anger, or a bad temper, or whatever label you want to attach to it. I never saw a doctor of any kind, and I never told anyone how I really felt for the last two years, until recently.

It's not the first time I've had that anger/depression/temper/sadness/whatever. Middle school was the worst four years of my (admittedly short) life. Constant bullying, from friends and foes alike. It took 3 years of high school to repair and restore the personality and confidence that I'd lost. Different story, different time.

For the last two years, I have been working full-time in the motor industry as an aftersales advisor for Peugeot. Basically I booked in cars when they went wrong and sourced/ordered parts. The service manager was (and is) a horrible person. Constantly ripping people off left right and centre for the advancement of his yearly bonus, telling me to do the same, and then the bullying, belittling insults he threw my way started to chip away at my personality again. I went to bed struggling to sleep, dreading the next day. I'd wake up and not want to get out of bed, because it meant I was that much closer to work. I wasn't even particularly tired, I was just so lacking in any kind of will power.

Things then got worse. I'd bought a classic car (Volvo 240) as a project shortly after I started work. Being around that car was like a small moment of bliss and happiness (or maybe just escapism) to take my mind off my work. The car needed a lot of work though. I made the stupid mistake of sending it to one of the other branches belonging to the people I work for (Volvo main dealer). They buggered up the car and charged me £1500, then lied to me and blagged me off when I called them out on it. That nearly sent me over the edge. My sanity was hanging by a thread. Treating me like dirt was one thing but my car was something else entirely. At this point I'd spent a grand or two already. It felt like the car had been turned to scrap and that money had just turned into a useless hunk of metal.

Again, I don't know whether any of you would call this depression or not. I felt more angry than sad. I've not told anyone this, but there were nights where, on the way home from work, I would park up on the side of the road (country lane, very quiet) and get out of the car. I shouted and bellowed until I physically couldn't anymore, and then finished the journey home. It got pretty regular. It was like a vent. I'd imagine I was talking to (or at) either my boss, the service manager or the people that worked on my car. I'd have dreams where I was breaking chairs over the back of the manager's head. My voice was shot.

Maybe one or two people knew part of how I felt. In general I wasn't nice to be around. Being in that kind of environment changes things like your moral compass, your temperament and so on. Like I said, I never saw any doctor or therapist, I kept it mostly to myself. So for all I know or care it probably wasn't depression. Probably just that I didn't handles stress or anger well. But I was angry. Very angry, and all the time. Generally I needed ambient music like Brian Eno's Apollo album to help me sleep at night. Between my morals and my anger I wasn't sleeping well at all.

Recently, I managed to leave. I have now started my own business, doing something I enjoy. The 240 was fixed and is nearly restored. I'm sleeping uninterrupted (save for the 30 degrees C summer heat). Things have finally begun to go right for me. The bad things in my life have gone away. For the first time in two years, I can honestly say I'm happy.

There probably wasn't much reason for me posting here. I probably wan't even depressed. Maybe there's an anger management thread I missed somewhere. Maybe this can help someone though, if nothing else just to say there's something better than this coming along. The bad won't last forever.

Depression and anger problems very often co-exist with each other, so it's likely you had depression. I'm very sad to hear about your situation, but I'm glad things are looking up for you. There will always be horrible co-workers, but it's great that you have your own business so those people can be out of your life finally.

It's good that you had a way to vent instead of bottling it up, but hurting your voice might not have been the best choice. Perhaps, working on your 240 can be the way to let your problems go. Make it a meditative thing. Focus on the car and the parts that need the most work. Having your mind centered on one task can help quiet the mental chatter and stress from everyday life.

 

[lbpomg95]

Depression and anger problems very often co-exist with each other, so it's likely you had depression. I'm very sad to hear about your situation, but I'm glad things are looking up for you. There will always be horrible co-workers, but it's great that you have your own business so those people can be out of your life finally.

It's good that you had a way to vent instead of bottling it up, but hurting your voice might not have been the best choice. Perhaps, working on your 240 can be the way to let your problems go. Make it a meditative thing. Focus on the car and the parts that need the most work. Having your mind centered on one task can help quiet the mental chatter and stress from everyday life.

Well, thankfully the stress is gone. I don't need a vent anymore, or a form of meditation. I just need to enjoy myself and soak in the good times ahead. I met one or two good people in that job and I keep in touch. Those who've seen me during and after that job have said I'm like a different person, and I feel like it. For that I'm grateful. It's like being reborn, almost a second attempt at everything.

 

[Dan]

Well, thankfully the stress is gone. I don't need a vent anymore, or a form of meditation. I just need to enjoy myself and soak in the good times ahead. I met one or two good people in that job and I keep in touch. Those who've seen me during and after that job have said I'm like a different person, and I feel like it. For that I'm grateful. It's like being reborn, almost a second attempt at everything.

That's great! Enjoy everything you can experience. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[wowbaggerBR]

I was scared of medication as well. Part of the reason I never saw any doctors. After what happened to Chris Cornell last month I'm glad I didn't get any medication. His music helped me through a lot of dark places, and to see him gone so young has been saddening.

How long had you two been apart when she asked for alone time before you spoke to her again?

Don't let that pain take over. Don't let yourself get to that stage of suicidal thoughts again. You're better than that, and there are people who care about you and need you, I guarantee it. You've been through so much, you've suffered some of the worst that life can throw at you. You're still standing. You're strong. Was this cliche? I dunno, just know that there's got to be better things to come or better times ahead.

Firstly, thanks for your kind words. It's very easy, when depressed, to forget about reassuring truths like these.

Man, about your situation, I strongly advise you to see a professional. I thought I wasn't depressed for way too long and it almost took my life. Seriously, go seek a specialist, talk it through. About meds, well, if your depression is as mild as it seems, I think you can work it through therapy. I was on the verge of suicide and it worked for me because of that. I just let it go for waaaay too long.

In general, therapy is always a good thing. It won't hurt to go and see if it is for you, if it helps.

About my case. I'm trying to work hard with the coping mechanisms and exercises I used to do on the hard times of my therapy. I'm doing ok, for now. But what makes me anxious is tomorrow. Next week. Month. It's hard.

She asked for a time alone, and I respected it: four months. We had a fight in which I lost my temper, but she had done pretty much the same thing earlier, so it put me on the deffensive. But mind you: it was a silly fight, a couple thing, not something horrible. So I thought to myself "it'll work itself out, she just need to think".

I resisted the urge to go talk to her earlier than I did because, well, she asked for a time.

 

[lbpomg95]

Firstly, thanks for your kind words. It's very easy, when depressed, to forget about reassuring truths like these.

Man, about your situation, I strongly advise you to see a professional. I thought I wasn't depressed for way too long and it almost took my life. Seriously, go seek a specialist, talk it through. About meds, well, if your depression is as mild as it seems, I think you can work it through therapy. I was on the verge of suicide and it worked for me because of that. I just let it go for waaaay too long.

In general, therapy is always a good thing. It won't hurt to go and see if it is for you, if it helps.

No problem.

In my case, the bad in my life is gone. There's no need for therapy anymore. I'm finally somewhere good in my life.

 

[kikie]

Mugwort is a plant that grows in Asia, North America, and Northern Europe. The plant parts that grow above the ground and the root are used to make medicine.

People take mugwort root as a “tonic” and to boost energy.

People take the rest of the plant for stomach and intestinal conditions including colic, diarrhea, constipation, weak digestion, worm infestations, and persistent vomitin. Mugwort is also used to stimulate gastric juice and bile secretion. It is also used as a liver tonic; to promote circulation; and as a sedative. Other uses include treatment of hysteria, and convulsions in children.
Depression (neurasthenia), preoccupation with illness (hypochondria), general irritability, restlessness, trouble sleeping (insomnia), and anxiety.

 

[Imari]

Well, thankfully the stress is gone. I don't need a vent anymore, or a form of meditation. I just need to enjoy myself and soak in the good times ahead. I met one or two good people in that job and I keep in touch. Those who've seen me during and after that job have said I'm like a different person, and I feel like it. For that I'm grateful. It's like being reborn, almost a second attempt at everything.

Well done for getting through it. It sounds like that period was a nightmare, and I'm glad that you're out the other side and enjoying life.

 

[TJ13]

Well I just like how sometimes things are going good and then one thing happens and all of a sudden it's downhill.
Just that sometimes people really forget things in life especially when it makes myself uncomfortable, and yet they still insist on pushing you to do it.
Time and time again, sometimes it maybe best just to walk away from everything.
Start something new.
Somewhere else.
Maybe even as a different person.
Maybe one day I will not get played or even used. FML

 

[lbpomg95]

Well I just like how sometimes things are going good and then one thing happens and all of a sudden it's downhill.
Just that sometimes people really forget things in life especially when it makes myself uncomfortable, and yet they still insist on pushing you to do it.
Time and time again, sometimes it maybe best just to walk away from everything.
Start something new.
Somewhere else.
Maybe even as a different person.
Maybe one day I will not get played or even used. FML

New starts can be good. I didn't quite change who I am (not worth doing) - all I did was change job, but everything has fallen into place around that, and things are looking up.

 

[TJ13]

New starts can be good. I didn't quite change who I am (not worth doing) - all I did was change job, but everything has fallen into place around that, and things are looking up.

New starts for me isn't the easiest especially when I have thought of so much into what I have now.
Well except the essentials of some things but working at it.

There could be so much that if one thing happens if the rest would follow or if something has to be worked into more and make things better.

 

[kikie]

If you want to feel better and this is no joke, watch youtube video clips and turn on the automatic English translation. The automatic English translation gets messed up sometimes that it's so funny that I can't stop laughing.

Laughing is still a very good medicine against depression.

 

[lbpomg95]

In which case Jim Sterling is pretty damn funny! Anything he does covering Rockstar Games and Take Two Interactive is usually pretty golden.

 

[kikie]

I think I found another food source that interferes with my anti depressant causing these momentary lapses in my thinking proces and do/say/write things that I don't agree with myself afterwards when my thinking proces is back to uhm ....... normal.

Besides grapefruit juice and or Pomelo, this other thing(s) seems to prevent the absorption of the medication. The only way to know for sure is to stop eating/drinking this food. I'm not telling what it is because I don't know if I'm right or not.

I don't seem to get a break in this life. Since I started eating/drinking this food, I get up every morning feeling like I'm relapsed in yet another depression. Half an hour ago, I got this thought/feeling that this food source could be the reason why I won't get better eventhough I stopped taking Lorazepam 4 weeks ago.

Only time will tell.


Lets take some time off of (from) GTP. Many people will be cheering when they read this.

 

[Suzumiya]

To those with siblings who actually care for you... how does it feel to have a sibling that is actually nice to you and kind and supportive? I've always wondered how people live with really nice siblings when I go to people's houses and I see their sister or brother kindly bantering and happily talking, yet when I get home I get ordered by my sister to clean this for her, do that for her, the minute she sees me it's an excuse to take out her anger on me...

I don't think I've ever had a quality time or moment with my older sister, and that's depressing.

 

[RacingPanda]

To those with siblings who actually care for you... how does it feel to have a sibling that is actually nice to you and kind and supportive?

It's alright. People always make it out to be a great thing, but I think the time my siblings cared the most about me is when I was a newborn (well they did also do a lot of stuff with me when I went to kindergarden, which was pretty cool). That being said, while they did help me (e.g. when I moved into my own flat), they did also expect me to help them (e.g. since my sister started a business, she wants me to help her with all kinds of things - and this can become quite time-consuming and also frustrating, so it's not just fun). I think the longest period of quality time with siblings is spent actually when you're kids. Then, as teenagers, you begin to separate (at least from what I have seen), and what happens when you become adults is always different. I don't have too many issues with either of my siblings, but that doesn't mean that discussions with them can't get heated pretty quickly. I think those "stereotypical siblings" rarely exist the older they get. But as always, people are different, so it's hard to tell.

Do you currently have to live with her? The way I see it, from the bits of information from your post, there are three options. 1) Move out/throw her out. 2) Try to get her to understand you and to show her that her behaviour is not okay. 3) When she begins getting angry, fight back. It sounds stupid, but it appears to me that she might not even notice what she is doing. When you begin treating her the same, maybe that might change. (I will say though, this is my least favourite option and I'm just mentioning it because fighting back has actually helped me in school, despite everybody telling me that "once you ignore them, they'll stop"). I know, some of this sounds mean, but you need to look at it from this perspective: The more she "gets on your nerves" (to put it nicely), the more she will drain energy from you. It's pretty difficult to put up with stupid stuff like this for a long time, and since you don't get anything out of it, trying to avoid these arguments by any means will just help you preserve what's left of your mental health.

 

[Skython]

Do you currently have to live with her? The way I see it, from the bits of information from your post, there are three options. 1) Move out/throw her out.

This can actually be a big factor. When I was little, naturally I looked up to my brother. Because that's what younger siblings do, they look up to the older ones. But he was put simply, just mean. Like a bully at home. It sort of continued in different ways through his teenage years and early 20s. But then when he left home, he very quickly started to appreciate the whole family more, and now he's been able to realise we're actually very like-minded.

I think it's related to that old child mindset. Some children do really cruel things because they haven't learned to not be cruel, and this is similar. It's what a kid would do, but it's carried into an older age because by then it's just normal. But when they end up in an environment where they can't do that anymore, that is when they grow out of it. Though with that said, this whole paragraph could be a whole lot of modern psychological bollocks. I just thought it off the top of my head.

 

[Carbonox]

Inpromptu post because I'm just getting tired of the mood swings. I swear whenever I do something personally nostalgic, it just ends up resulting in some negative loop.

Apologies for possible incoherency. I'm not good with long explanations.

And something tells me I should've posted already back in early 2014, that being the worst time period and all. Not feeling like elaborating too much on that, but it was the time when my first internet forum shut down (might be a non-issue for most, and likely should've been for me too because of all my cringeworthy content, but it just felt like the end to my innocent and excitable youth, then one thing led to another, etc.) and some more realizations struck in along the way. Existential questions mostly. Death is scary, no matter who it is that's facing it.

I really got into preservation around that time, y'know. Like, safeguarding all my old files and pictures from getting lost to time, but then I got this idea that there's something ultimately wrong about it. Even if I saved all of the pics of dead people I used to know, or an entire nostalgic website (thanks, HTTrack) when I observe those things years later, something's just missing. The data might still be there, but the community's not. I'd obviously rather store the memories than let them fade away permanently, but they don't feel the same after the years have passed, and that's upsetting.

Adulthood sucks, honestly. I'd much rather again be the kid that played his first PS2 games in awe, or spent about half a year in ecstacy waiting for GTA IV to come out, followed by even more enjoyment when he actually got to play that thing from launch day onwards and even start a multiplayer "career" with his new internet connection. That kid was stupid, over-impressionable and agitable at times, but at least he didn't have any worries in his mind about mortality questions. Or that preservation thing. Nowadays, nothing new excites that same person at 23 years old anymore, not at the same level at least. Rocket League shed some light, and maybe Runescape did too (yes, old game, but I never showed interest until 2016) but there's just nothing so rad going on that it makes me want to pre-order months in advance and constantly fawn over about what could be coming up.

Don't know how to finish this post off. I guess I could mention this pathetic paradox of mine, where fear of death makes me think I should treasure all moments of life like they were my last or whatever, but then I just end up spending all my time behind the computer screen and sometimes getting miserable when some of those nostalgic events set me off (to call back on the first paragraph). I don't really have the drive to do anything outside of virtual media, and it feels like it'll come back to bite me eventually. Even with that in mind, I'm still too lazy to get anything new done.

 

[kikie]

I relapsed. I really want to be dead.

 

[kikie]

Some clarificatie is needed about my post above. I'm actually ashamed that I wrote something like that.

Last Thursday night, I woke up around 2am with a severe upset stomach. I had to throw up and was, kind of, suffering. I called a doctor on call but wasn't allowed to make an appointment. You literally had to be dying in order to get an appointment. The medical secretary asked me to to call back at 7am, so I had to wait a few hours. In the meantime, I found a pharmacist on call for that night to get sometime for my stomach. The thing he gave me didn't help at all.
After waiting for 2 hours, I called the doctor on call again and this time I got an appointment. The doctor saw me and immediately said that if it didn't get better in a few hours I had to go to the ER (A&E). She said that I had gastritis (I knew that myself, I really do ). So, after another 2 hours, I went to the ER (A&E). There, they started to ask questions, took blood and bloodpressure (120 over 80, so that was Okay), had to urinate etc ... . After a while, they X-rayed my abdomen, did an echo of other organs. While waiting, I vomitted more and after that a lot more.
They started giving me medication intravinously and that was the cause of all my problems from the last few days. I'm still not completely over it.

I told them not to give me benzos and they didn't. Many times they asked me about pain. I told them many times that I didn't have any pain but I was nauseous and had to vomit a lot. When they asked me how much pain I had on a scale of 0 to 10, I said 0. It seems that they didn't believe me because they gave me Tradonal intravinously. That's where the problems started. Tradonal interacts with antidepressants and can cause anxiety. I started to show anxiety but I wasn't really upset at all. It just made me feel even worse. They did tell me to control my breathing and try to calm down but I was calm. So they decided to give me a sedative (also intravinously). That's the second medication that got me into trouble.

After many hours of waiting, I was allowed to go home. They knew I was there by car, that I had all these meds in my system and they still let me drive home alone. So I did and luckily I had no problems driving home.

When I came home, around 2pm, I went to bed and fell asleep until the next morning. I didn't sleep constantly because I woke up almost every hour and during the night, I stayed up for a while a couple of times because I was in a state of panic (all due to the meds I got in my system).
The next morning, the reality hit me. I was completely and utterly depressed, so I thought. The feeling I had was even worse than the worst depression feeling I had in my entire life, hence me writing the previous post (above). This feeling was truly unbearable and intorable. It was hell inside hell.

I contacted my psychiatrist by email not expecting her to answer me because it was afterall weekend. But she did. She started to help me and had to find out what medication I got in the ER. I told her that I had this suspiscion that my problems were medication based and it turns out I was correct.
When I told her what medication I got, she said that they gave me very, how do you say it in English, heavy meds and caused serious mental and psychological problems for several days. She meant everybody, everybody would have serious problems with these meds.

So, it turns out that I didn't relapse in a depression at all.

Meds they gave me:

* Tradonal (Tramadol)

* Buscopan

* Litican

* Dehydrobenzperidol 1.25mg