Sounds like a horrible couple of days, but very glad to see that you are feeling better now 👍
I'm scratching my head a bit trying to understand how they could have given you such treatment - did they not know that you have a history of severe depressive episodes? At least you (and hopefully they) might know for next time not to take such a risk, but it's good to know that you were able to contact your psychiatrist and they got back to you when you needed it.
I also still don't know why they gave me all these meds. They didn't know about my depressions but I did warn them, several times not to give me benzos. I also told them numerous times that I forgot to take my Sertraline and maybe some other stuff about my depressions. Oh, I also told them I use to have a kind of cancer phobia (years ago).
The ER doctor said to me that his first choice was to become a psychiatrist but became a physician instead. So, he must have known that these meds were no good for me.
@VBR Not sure if it helps any, but if you want, I'll share this on social media. Don't have many followers, but quite a few that know what it's like living with messed-up conditions. Let's see if I can actually find a job, I'll then chip in a quid or a few. 👍
Right now, I'm feeling really bad. If it wasn't for the strong bond with my parents (some might now claim they just hold me hostage on an emotional level), I think today might be one, if not the last day(s) for me. I don't feel like life is worth living at this point - everything is becoming worse by the minute and I know that it's not going to get better, just from experience. There are no people to hold onto around me and to everybody around me, I'm just another person completing tasks. And since I have issues with concentrating on my work, I can't get stuff done and they, understandably, get mad at me. Personal successes are nonexistant, failures on the other hand ...
Even escapist activities like gaming are not working for me right now, either I can't completely lose myself in what I'm doing or nothing works to begin with, like my GPU that I've now been trying to fix for several weeks. Not even managing that does not only limit my choice of places where to retreat, but it also puts more dents into my already completely damaged self-esteem. Not to mention that about a month ago, I failed an exam for the second time - failing for the third time will kick me out of my field of study, and not allow me to study it again anywhere else (in Germany, but I can't go abroad because money, or rather lack thereof).
I just feel use- and worthless. Basically the only thing keeping me alive is not wanting to disappoint my mother even more, since she gave me so much she didn't even have - she even risked her life and decided against an abortion just because she wanted me to be born. I'm sure she's disappointed as heck right now. If only she knew beforehand - she would've saved everybody so much trouble.
I never believed in psychotherapy until December last year. If you can find out the correct therapy that will work for you, it can do wonders. Everything you say and think is a result of your current psychological state (and the way your brain chemistry works at the moment). It's a negative reality you are creating for yourself at the moment.
@VBR Not sure if it helps any, but if you want, I'll share this on social media. Don't have many followers, but quite a few that know what it's like living with messed-up conditions. Let's see if I can actually find a job, I'll then chip in a quid or a few. 👍
Can't really say I'm depressed right now but today has been miserable, akin to depression.
I remember a fragment of last night's dream and it was beautiful, the closest word I can use to explain is pure nirvana, like time and space were irrelevant and I'd found perfect peace with the universe.
Super surreal but as you can imagine in comparison reality is pants and my whole day was spent trying to recover the fragment of feeling of bliss that I'd left behind at the sound of my alarm this morning.
I never believed in psychotherapy untill a last year. If you can find out the correct therapy that will work for you, it can do wonders. Everything you say and think is a result of your current psychological state (and the way your brain chemistry works at the moment). It's a negative reality you are creating for yourself at the moment.
I've already had an appointment with a therapist, unfortunately I didn't feel comfortable there at all, so I decided not to stick with them. I would have had to wait for a few weeks or months anyways until therapy would've started. I need to ring up all the others in my area, but unfortunately, calling people had never been easy for me and especially now, it's really hard - I don't even know why, I know they're not going to judge me - well I should know that, but I always feel judged and those judgements are rarely positive. It's a weird thing, this brain of mine.
I found out where a good therapist is (the recommendation came from a student, so I just hope what works for them will work for me, because of similar age and field of study and all that), unfortunately they are on the other side of the town. If I had a car, this wouldn't be an issue ... IF I had one. Well, let's see if more trial & error will eventually throw up something (or rather, somebody) that works for me.
My after-school experience has really bummed me right now.
I seeked professional help early on the year about confidence and that went well, I was able to get throught the issue.
However, after that, things have gone downhill, not in confidence but my progress to find stuff to do.
I tried my luck with further education at TAFE, originally signed up for an outreach course in Computers just to see what it is like, got cancelled before it started. Decided to take it up a bit and Certificate I in Computers, after 2 weeks it also got cancelled.
Now I just feel like I don't know where to pick myself up from, should I try a 3rd TAFE course? Should I just go into work experience? Should I just say 🤬 it, risk it, and try self-employing myself because it seems if I try and do something to help me for employment, it gets shut down and cancelled and I'm back to square one. This is starting to scare me, worry me and just generally leaving me depressed
I just feel use- and worthless. Basically the only thing keeping me alive is not wanting to disappoint my mother even more, since she gave me so much she didn't even have - she even risked her life and decided against an abortion just because she wanted me to be born. I'm sure she's disappointed as heck right now. If only she knew beforehand - she would've saved everybody so much trouble.
Originally, I had a much longer response for you, but struggled to find the correct words to use. I found a site that has provided some relief at my absolute worst moments, and perhaps you will find peace as well, even if for a little while.
In case nobody has said this to you recently, I do not think you are worthless. You might not have a great day tomorrow, but I honestly hope you will.
Thanks a lot for posting this. It truly did offer me some support for the past few days. Yet, despite reading this, I did something I'm truly not proud of ... on the night from Saturday to Sunday, after a disappointing night out, where I didn't do much except get drunk and lose 45€ (30 just for food [I didn't want to go out eating but the people I went with insisted on it, shame on me for not being strong enough for telling them] and another 5 for the bus), I for some reason decided to hang myself when I returned.
I couldn't find anything except for a pullup bar that was mounted high enough for my feet to not touch the ground. You might say I was lucky that it was a pullup bar - after I felt what I thought was my eyes beginning to pop out, I got scared enough that I decided "Hey, this might not be the right way to go now, I should stop here" - it didn't take much time until this happened, meaning I had enough energy so I was able to pull up quite quickly and get back onto the chair. Sorry for describing it a bit more detailed, but I think you might want to know what made me change my mind at the last second.
Many mistakes were made that evening, the biggest one probably deciding to take my life right at my parents' flat. Luckily they didn't find out (thank [deity of choice] for soundproofing) until I told them - well I told my mum after I told my sister and she almost forced me to tell her about it as well; my father doesn't know at all and I think it's better that way. He did tell me yesterday "I don't get the problems of your generation. Go outside, get punched in the face, that will solve it" - tells you more than enough, really.
Not sure where to turn, because the only person I could possibly tell outside of my family (which also makes him one out of two people I can truly consider calling 'a friend') is currently on vacation (and writing with him, in all honesty, is a bit of a minefield because I'm too dumb to read, apparently). Additionally, he got quite a big problem as well with his studies, so I really don't want to bother him with my nonsense. I don't even know how he might react to this - he might just cut all ties to me, just like that, upon hearing this. Who knows. I don't want to risk it, honestly - but I also want this thing off my chest. Which is also why I am describing all of the current events here.
I wonder if my job interview tomorrow will go well. I also wonder if it's a good idea to take up a job in the first place, considering how many tasks, assignments and tests I've screwed up recently. On the other hand, maybe earning money and doing things right (if I can actually manage to do that) will help me ...
Luckily I'm not much around people in the town where I study, because I never drink when alone, so the chances of just snapping again when I come home are relatively low. But then, being alone does leave me with nobody but my thoughts ... it's complicated. Every option makes it all feel like a lose-lose situation, to be honest.
Thanks a lot for posting this. It truly did offer me some support for the past few days. Yet, despite reading this, I did something I'm truly not proud of ... on the night from Saturday to Sunday, after a disappointing night out, where I didn't do much except get drunk and lose 45€ (30 just for food [I didn't want to go out eating but the people I went with insisted on it, shame on me for not being strong enough for telling them] and another 5 for the bus), I for some reason decided to hang myself when I returned.
I couldn't find anything except for a pullup bar that was mounted high enough for my feet to not touch the ground. You might say I was lucky that it was a pullup bar - after I felt what I thought was my eyes beginning to pop out, I got scared enough that I decided "Hey, this might not be the right way to go now, I should stop here" - it didn't take much time until this happened, meaning I had enough energy so I was able to pull up quite quickly and get back onto the chair. Sorry for describing it a bit more detailed, but I think you might want to know what made me change my mind at the last second.
Many mistakes were made that evening, the biggest one probably deciding to take my life right at my parents' flat. Luckily they didn't find out (thank [deity of choice] for soundproofing) until I told them - well I told my mum after I told my sister and she almost forced me to tell her about it as well; my father doesn't know at all and I think it's better that way. He did tell me yesterday "I don't get the problems of your generation. Go outside, get punched in the face, that will solve it" - tells you more than enough, really.
Not sure where to turn, because the only person I could possibly tell outside of my family (which also makes him one out of two people I can truly consider calling 'a friend') is currently on vacation (and writing with him, in all honesty, is a bit of a minefield because I'm too dumb to read, apparently). Additionally, he got quite a big problem as well with his studies, so I really don't want to bother him with my nonsense. I don't even know how he might react to this - he might just cut all ties to me, just like that, upon hearing this. Who knows. I don't want to risk it, honestly - but I also want this thing off my chest. Which is also why I am describing all of the current events here.
I wonder if my job interview tomorrow will go well. I also wonder if it's a good idea to take up a job in the first place, considering how many tasks, assignments and tests I've screwed up recently. On the other hand, maybe earning money and doing things right (if I can actually manage to do that) will help me ...
Luckily I'm not much around people in the town where I study, because I never drink when alone, so the chances of just snapping again when I come home are relatively low. But then, being alone does leave me with nobody but my thoughts ... it's complicated. Every option makes it all feel like a lose-lose situation, to be honest.
First off, I am so sorry that you attempted. I couldn't possibly comprehend how much you were struggling at that moment. I'm so glad you changed your mind while there was still time. Keep in mind that if anyone calls you weak for attempting and being unsuccessful, they are flat-out wrong. You have been strong for such a long time leading up to that moment, and you're even stronger for saving yourself. I hope you take this as an opportunity to take control and start changing the negative aspects of your life. You deserve a peaceful and happy existence.
[I didn't want to go out eating but the people I went with insisted on it, shame on me for not being strong enough for telling them] and another 5 for the bus),
I couldn't find anything except for a pullup bar that was mounted high enough for my feet to not touch the ground. You might say I was lucky that it was a pullup bar - after I felt what I thought was my eyes beginning to pop out, I got scared enough that I decided "Hey, this might not be the right way to go now, I should stop here" - it didn't take much time until this happened, meaning I had enough energy so I was able to pull up quite quickly and get back onto the chair. Sorry for describing it a bit more detailed, but I think you might want to know what made me change my mind at the last second.
Started having some bad thoughts again and has actually put me into tears for a bit.
In the looking for a job area, I'd say it is getting worse got an interview for some I.T Work Placement and totally bombed. It wasn't the Job Interview questions that got me (those were fine), it was the questions about I.T, it hit me with the realization that I know 🤬, it just puts me further back in my progress for a job as now I don't know if any industries are right for me.
I guess you can say this is Karma, I know I haven't been the nicest person in the real world or even here. However I feel like I'm just being delusional but don't know how to snap back to reality.
Compared to some of the stuff here, not really sure I have a place to say much. Life's good right now. I'm enjoying my job, I'm spending lots of time with friends, I've taken up weight-lifting and fitness on my own little path to self-improvement. I'm stronger and fitter than I've ever been, and although I'm on a pretty low income right now, I'm finally doing a fulfilling job as my own boss. My beloved 240 is finally nearing completion and it's finally roadworthy, so me and the ol' barge have been going to some great motor shows.
And yet, something's off. I wouldn't call it depression by any stretch, I'm not even unhappy for the most part. Something's just... off. Not right, somehow. Only thing I can think of is the glaring lack of any partner in my life. Sometimes it kind of gets to me, even if just for a few minutes. Internet dating is bollocks, lemme tell ya.
Compared to some of the stuff here, not really sure I have a place to say much. Life's good right now. I'm enjoying my job, I'm spending lots of time with friends, I've taken up weight-lifting and fitness on my own little path to self-improvement. I'm stronger and fitter than I've ever been, and although I'm on a pretty low income right now, I'm finally doing a fulfilling job as my own boss. My beloved 240 is finally nearing completion and it's finally roadworthy, so me and the ol' barge have been going to some great motor shows.
And yet, something's off. I wouldn't call it depression by any stretch, I'm not even unhappy for the most part. Something's just... off. Not right, somehow. Only thing I can think of is the glaring lack of any partner in my life. Sometimes it kind of gets to me, even if just for a few minutes. Internet dating is bollocks, lemme tell ya.
Methylcobalamin is a form of vitamin B12. Physically it resembles the other forms of vitamin B12, occurring as dark red crystals that freely form cherry-colored transparent solutions in water.
Vitamin B12 deficiency can potentially cause severe and irreversible damage, especially to the brain and nervous system. At levels only slightly lower than normal, a range of symptoms such asfatigue, lethargy, depression, poor memory, breathlessness, headaches, and pale skin. Vitamin B12 deficiency can also cause symptoms of mania, psychosis.
Vitamin B12 is a co-substrate of various cell reactions involved in methylation synthesis of nucleic acid and neurotransmitters. Synthesis of the trimonoamine neurotransmitters can enhance the effects of a traditional antidepressant. Thus, a deficiency in vitamin B12 may impact the production and function of those neurotransmitters.
Haven't posted in a while, mainly because I'm on the mend!
At the tail end of December, I finally started to go CBT, and whilst it provided several new ways of dealing with my issues, they didn't really do too much for me. So instead, in around February I spoke to my doctor who prescribed me 20 mg of Fluoxetine. I was initially skeptical, what with all this talk about side effects and what not. But to be honest, since taking them, I'm the best I've been in a very long time.
I dumped my clingy girlfriend. After a year of unemployment, I immediately found a job and have settled in well. I'm not as moody or tired anymore. I'm watching my diet and exercising more (which for those who doubt it, actually does make a substantial difference). I'm more social and less of a drip to be around. And most importantly, I'm not lethargic all day everyday. Best of all, I can't say I've suffered from any side effects. Apart from a few headaches starting out and having some weird dreams - and I do mean weird - I'm right as rain.
Like @lbpomg95 mentions however, I still feel like I'm missing something; I just don't know what. I'm happy with life and how it's going for me, and I've finally stopped striving for something I thought I wanted and just happy being me, yet something is always on the back of my mind and I can't figure it out. Also, since taking my medication, I find myself needing to consistently keep busy. I have my regular 9 to 5 job which obviously gives me my routine, but when I get home I don't sit down and just chill. I have to fix something, draw something, go somewhere, see somebody, you name it. You could argue that's a good thing, since I'm now the polar opposite of being a lazy sod, but I'm just worried I'm gonna burn myself out at some point and hit a 'wall' if you like.
I've got some Solgar products as well. There is a new player on the market though and even better than Solgar. Viridian nutrition. Viridian uses Alfalfa, Spirulina and billberries as bulking agent/filling substance or whatever the correct English words are.
I've got some Solgar products as well. There is a new player on the market though and even better than Solgar. Viridian nutrition. Viridian uses Alfalfa, Spirulina and billberries as bulking agent/filling substance or whatever the correct English words are.
Are you on your own at university for the first time or have you moved away from home for the first time? I remember when I moved away from home and was all alone, first couple of days I didn't have much furniture and stuff.
There was just the bed (which I oddly enough kept in the living room that first week O_o), the TV and some food and clothes. I would have to wait for the weekend to get the rest of my stuff.
Anyway, I don't think I felt like "absolute rubbish" but I was sort of absent-minded, feeling like a noob.
I 'survived' those first couple of nights by binge-watching Seinfeld episodes and Rambo I-III. It made me feel safe I guess, watching old favorites from when growing up. That would be my suggestion to you. : )
Are you on your own at university for the first time or have you moved away from home for the first time? I remember when I moved away from home and was all alone, first couple of days I didn't have much furniture and stuff.
There was just the bed (which I oddly enough kept in the living room that first week O_o), the TV and some food and clothes. I would have to wait for the weekend to get the rest of my stuff.
Anyway, I don't think I felt like "absolute rubbish" but I was sort of absent-minded, feeling like a noob.
I 'survived' those first couple of nights by binge-watching Seinfeld episodes and Rambo I-III. It made me feel safe I guess, watching old favorites from when growing up. That would be my suggestion to you. : )
It's half and half. Thanks for the kind words though. It's just been pretty rough the last week since this is the first time in my life I've been *completely* alone for the first time and I am so not taking it well.
Last year I had two of my best friends come here to Uni and they both ended up dropping out. And while I've made "friends" here I haven't been able, for the life of me, to make any meaningful relations with people. I know these things take time, and in the past I was always patient because I had some established friends from back home who would fill the gaps. But now lately those same friends have completely stopped talking to me, lying about how they need to focus more on school when just in the past hour they made a stupid group chat with everyone who's ignoring me on it constantly. And it's killing me so badly I mean I bought food and then stopped and lost my appetite when I saw that.
I guess the thing is that sure, I get that a lot of people have a hella hard time adjusting to adulthood and all that crap, but lately I've felt so uninspired and tired or whatever as if I feel like I shouldn't even be doing this. And I hate feeling like this because my parents for example sacrifices so much to get me here,I'm more fortunate than most and yet I'm here sulking about how I've felt abandoned or whatnot
Sometimes i kinda feel that i don't deserve to open up and deserve to feel like crap because i'm not a nice person. I can't trust everyone, i just think that my friends being nice just for the sake of being nice, not because i'm a friend. Collecting die casts seems to ease my mind of this thoughts a little bit, though still i can't help but not trying to make new friends of this hobby because i just feel like a loser who deserve no friends.
I just really hate what i am now, really frustrated with this.
Have been prescribed low dose benzos and have had the best couple of days that I've had in months. I was very hesitant knowing about @kikie experiences with them, but this was from a psychiatrist who seemed good and explained his rationale to my satisfaction. And he's been right, so far I feel just normal. No depression, no crazy agoraphobia, no sleeping 14+ hours a day and still being exhausted. Bliss.
It may only be a passing phase, but sometimes it's good to be reminded what normal feels like so that you remember what you're fighting for. I think after months and years it can be easy to forget that life can be different, if you were even lucky enough to experience life without depression in the first place.
it's good to be reminded what normal feels like so that you remember what you're fighting for. I think after months and years it can be easy to forget that life can be different, if you were even lucky enough to experience life without depression in the first place.
Well, that was sobering. I feel like I've been depressed for longer than I can remember, perhaps since I was a child (if children can suffer from it; I'm not a psychologist). The way I've been living has always seemed normal to me, but from the perspective of others, my experiences are probably far from what people should normally be feeling.
Have been prescribed low dose benzos and have had the best couple of days that I've had in months. I was very hesitant knowing about @kikie experiences with them, but this was from a psychiatrist who seemed good and explained his rationale to my satisfaction. And he's been right, so far I feel just normal. No depression, no crazy agoraphobia, no sleeping 14+ hours a day and still being exhausted. Bliss.
It may only be a passing phase, but sometimes it's good to be reminded what normal feels like so that you remember what you're fighting for. I think after months and years it can be easy to forget that life can be different, if you were even lucky enough to experience life without depression in the first place.
Not trying to undermine issues with depression but as someone who doesn't have depression (most of my problems come from anxiety and much more unrelated autism), it can be incredibly stressful trying to relate and empathize with friends who have depression, not knowing what might happen might cross them over to dangerous side of depression territory.
It was struggle for me to become a real friend to those close to me who suffered from depression and even lost a friend because of it (we have rekindled it however later), and only this past year started to be supportive when I came to suffering friends.
Quick update, making friends has proved downright impossible. I'm not kidding when I say, "I tried, I really did," but whatever it is i just can't click with people here. Hasn't done much for my already damaged spirits I've just been doing worse and worse ever since I got here so that's pretty great.
Quick update, making friends has proved downright impossible. I'm not kidding when I say, "I tried, I really did," but whatever it is i just can't click with people here. Hasn't done much for my already damaged spirits I've just been doing worse and worse ever since I got here so that's pretty great.
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