Depression and Anxiety Thread

[Jezza819]

Anybody got any opinions on dietry magnesium levels or suppliments and mood?

Seems in people that drink too much (me), magnesium levels can drop quite a bit, and given people that have a poor diet (me) are already lacking in it. It was recommended to me and I've had mixed results (though there are many other variables I'm not controlling). This article is a good starting point for anyone curious...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...gnesium-and-the-brain-the-original-chill-pill

I looked at a supplement called Lithium Orotate because it's supposed to help with focus and concentration which would hopefully help my mood but I haven't tried it or even mentioned it to my doctor.

Not without the consent of your doctor. Don't self medicate.

Antidepressant has to be build up in your brain. It can't or is rather difficult to pass the blood-brain barrier. That's why it takes at least 4 weeks before the medication starts to work.

About the side effects. You will have side effects but the longer you take the medication, the more your body gets use to the medication and the side effects will diminish.

An update on the Wellbutrin. After starting on the 150mg and going back and reporting that I didn't feel anything from it good or bad, she bumped me up to the 300mg. Where I didn't feel anything from the 150mg I definitely felt something from the 300mg but unfortunately it was all bad. 2 days into it I felt very nauseous, I was lightheaded and dizzy, I had ringing in my ears, my headaches had returned, I had trouble first getting to sleep and then staying asleep, and worse of all I got whacked with the sexual side effects problem. So after a week I called in and asked to be tapered off of it entirely but to do that I had to go back in so they could write me a 150mg perscription. I've got to take this for a little while then we're probably going to go to every other day then hopefully off it altogether. The 2nd or 3rd day on the lower dosage the nausea went away and I actually slept 6 straight hours Sunday morning. I've got to learn that if there is any significant possible side effects from anything especially sexual in nature to stay far, far away from it because more than likely it will hit me.

 

[sems4arsenal]

Wanted to chime in. I've been having an awful year with the mandatory military service still half way to go.

It's been draining. I've been doing some chores that kinda hurt my pride (washing an officer's bathroom, being their secretary, acting like you like senior ranking personnel to get more days off, etc) Plus the fact I'm away from my family during a very important time (Mom and Dad will be getting a divorce) -- as well as the fact I should be working and making money instead of this. My anxiety has been at an all time high. Sometimes I can't even breathe and I feel so overwhelmed.

I'm truly blessed to have so many friends be there for me which makes it easier. Plus spending the days off with my family and I've been gaming more than usual as an escape from all this. I'm coping as much as I can, but I'm tired and this year needs to end.

Note: Just wanted to clarify that I don't do combat of any sorts. So this might come off as a bit entitled considering what a regular military service abroad period is. Those are much worse than what I'm going through -- and I have mad respect for those who can endure this.

 

[JohnBM01]

Even if you don't follow fashion, a famous fashion designer was lost recently to suicide. That would be Kate Spade, known mostly for stylish handbags and even some shoes. She had long battled depression and even taking medications and such to treat it. Even all of her success still didn't fade her depression issues. If you need help and know you need help going through depression, try to find someone to help you out. PLEASE. You're better getting some help from some individuals than none at all. And you know you can't help yourself even if you are all you have in a crisis situation like this.

 

[kikie]

Eat cacao nibs or dark chocolate (at least 70% of cacao). It contains a compound called anandamide (arachidonylethanolamide). Anandamide is a neurotransmitter produced in the brain which binds to certain receptors which makes you feel good. Ananda is Sanskrit for joy, bliss or happiness.

 

[Imari]

I looked at a supplement called Lithium Orotate because it's supposed to help with focus and concentration which would hopefully help my mood but I haven't tried it or even mentioned it to my doctor.

That's one you should definitely raise with your doctor. Lithium can be good, but getting the dosage right is very important. They will monitor your blood lithium concentrations for a while, as different people excrete it at different rates.

An update on the Wellbutrin. After starting on the 150mg and going back and reporting that I didn't feel anything from it good or bad, she bumped me up to the 300mg. Where I didn't feel anything from the 150mg I definitely felt something from the 300mg but unfortunately it was all bad. 2 days into it I felt very nauseous, I was lightheaded and dizzy, I had ringing in my ears, my headaches had returned, I had trouble first getting to sleep and then staying asleep, and worse of all I got whacked with the sexual side effects problem. So after a week I called in and asked to be tapered off of it entirely but to do that I had to go back in so they could write me a 150mg perscription. I've got to take this for a little while then we're probably going to go to every other day then hopefully off it altogether. The 2nd or 3rd day on the lower dosage the nausea went away and I actually slept 6 straight hours Sunday morning. I've got to learn that if there is any significant possible side effects from anything especially sexual in nature to stay far, far away from it because more than likely it will hit me.

Every drug has the potential for significant side effects, particularly ones in the mental health space. Basically all the anti-depressants and anti-psychotics come with a potential side effects list that includes just about everything under the sun. Unfortunately, they tend to affect different people in wildly different ways. What may be intolerable for someone else my not have any side effects for you at all. The only way is to try, and back off when it's too bad to handle.

Yes, it's a terrible method. Yes, it sucks really hard for the patient. But don't push yourself. You can give yourself a break and try the next thing when you're ready.

Sounds like Wellbutrin was a bad one for you. I've found Wellbutrin to be fine, but Cymbalta and Effexor just thrash me. I suggest going back to your doctor and asking them what else they can offer. If you're not happy with their answer or have doubts about what they're recommending, talk to another doctor.

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of drugs is not finding something that's effective, there's lots of those. It's finding something that's effective, tolerable over a long period of time, and doesn't do actual damage to your body while you're taking it. If we just wanted to feel better we'd all just get smashed on morphine all day every day.

 

[Jezza819]

That's one you should definitely raise with your doctor. Lithium can be good, but getting the dosage right is very important. They will monitor your blood lithium concentrations for a while, as different people excrete it at different rates.



Every drug has the potential for significant side effects, particularly ones in the mental health space. Basically all the anti-depressants and anti-psychotics come with a potential side effects list that includes just about everything under the sun. Unfortunately, they tend to affect different people in wildly different ways. What may be intolerable for someone else my not have any side effects for you at all. The only way is to try, and back off when it's too bad to handle.

Yes, it's a terrible method. Yes, it sucks really hard for the patient. But don't push yourself. You can give yourself a break and try the next thing when you're ready.

Sounds like Wellbutrin was a bad one for you. I've found Wellbutrin to be fine, but Cymbalta and Effexor just thrash me. I suggest going back to your doctor and asking them what else they can offer. If you're not happy with their answer or have doubts about what they're recommending, talk to another doctor.

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of drugs is not finding something that's effective, there's lots of those. It's finding something that's effective, tolerable over a long period of time, and doesn't do actual damage to your body while you're taking it. If we just wanted to feel better we'd all just get smashed on morphine all day every day.

I've to go back for a physical next week and I'm assuming they're going to start stepping me off of it But I intend to bring up the Lithium at the same time.

 

[Michael88]

I've been so terrible ill the past two months now that I'm seriously starting to wish I was dead, especially when I have unbearable stomach cramps and blood diarrhea throughout every night, and none of the pain killers even remotely work. There really is no thought that gives me hope or lessens the pain, I'm just desperately enduring and holding on because thats the only thing left I can do.

I say it again, you do not know serious depression until you body starts to fall apart. If you feel depressed despite good health, think of my words.

 

[JohnBM01]

Some people suffer with depression at certain times of year. I think I heard that depression can make people angrier during warm/hot. So be sure to get some help or therapy if you suffer from depression on warm/hot days.

Still- DO NOT let depression win.

 

[kikie]

How do people get over atychiphobia (fear of failure)?

 

[JohnBM01]

Fear of failure is common. The problem, though, is feeling like you consistently fail. It is not easy to overcome failure whether it's something simple or some really big failure. You just keep on going and keep on trying. If you do fail, how do you overcome it? And do you let failure define you? I even mentioned all of this in my blogging work. You do the best you can even if in a losing effort. Then take any would-be failure or shortcoming and try to make yourself better in the next situation.

These are, at least, my own suggestions.

 

[Casey]

About two months ago I missed out on a job opportunity, the manger said they called me but I'm guessing they called the wrong number cause I never saw it and they hired somebody else. I got pretty upset and angry for a little while but I seem to be getting over it.

Also I opened up to my parents about having bad social anxiety and I maybe going to the doctor for it soon. I've kept trying hard to not be scared of everyone but I just can't seem to help it.

 

[HenrySwanson]

I've been so terrible ill the past two months now that I'm seriously starting to wish I was dead, especially when I have unbearable stomach cramps and blood diarrhea throughout every night, and none of the pain killers even remotely work. There really is no thought that gives me hope or lessens the pain, I'm just desperately enduring and holding on because thats the only thing left I can do.

I say it again, you do not know serious depression until you body starts to fall apart. If you feel depressed despite good health, think of my words.

Has this been diagnosed? Are you losing weight?

 

[MatskiMonk]

How do people get over atychiphobia (fear of failure)?

Experiencing failure and realising often it's not that bad! It's a horrible way to learn, but it can make you a better person ... <patronising thumbs up gif>

In all seriousness though, I'd liken it to an anxiety, in as much as it can lead to living in fear and dreading most things in life. Assuming it is an irrational fear though, it does mean it's possible to prove to oneself that either the likelihood of failure, or severity of failure is not as bad as you think it will be, without having any serious external consequences.

If there are serious external consequences, then it's not irrational, and therefore not really a phobia - in this case it could be a dislike of failure... would you feel angry or disgusted with yourself over a failure? That, I think, would be a different thing...

Otherwise, I'd recommend looking for challenges where you'd be in control of the variables at hand... look at the reasons why you think you'd fail, and address each one before hand, paying most attention to the areas that you think are most likely to cause a failure, or the ones where the failure outcome would be the most severe.... go over them and over them in your mind prior to attempting the task, and in each case figure out what you can do to minimise the chance of that occurring. Also consider where in life you've attempting something similar and either failed or succeeded, and analyse (and embrace) those events.

People who over analyze things are often better prepared, and proper planning and preparation prevent piss poor performance failure.

That's just my two cents... I think I may have just been talking about risk assessments though

 

[Michael88]

Has this been diagnosed? Are you losing weight?

Yes, I spent an extensive time in the hospital, I have been diagnosed with a very untypical and extremely drug resilient chronic inflammation (even TONS of cortisone does absolutely nothing) of my lower colon that makes even the best experts of my country scratch their heads - according to them they have never seen anything quite like it or heard of in their entire career. Cause, treatment and cure are unknowns.

95% of the digestion is done by the small intestines so I will not lose weight, however, the lower colon is for removing the water from the stool so you do not dehydrate and you don't suffer from constant diarrhea. Since the lower colon is so inflamed that it has ceased to work entirely I lose a lot of water every day, and a lot of blood due to the constantly bleeding infected parts - a situation that can become very dangerous quickly if I am not careful.

Ironically I keep lifting weights (when its not cramp-time) and I am actually very strong at the moment, as long as I am careful with the hydration and blood loss, but I cannot leave my home for very long because of the nasty nature of this disease. Unless there is a toilet at every corner.
And I don't want to anyway, when the cramps come they paralyze me completely for several hours.

Also a ''fun'' fact: the mental influence on this disease is absolutely spectacular. I tried to go to work and do a couple of low key stuff, just the most important things. When I got just a little stressed out the illness got easily twice as worse for the day, I had 20 bloody stools day and night, the cramps got nearly unbearable, I could not sleep, I nearly died. The tiniest amount of negative stress hits me like a bomb.

On the other hand, a friend came and visited me and we had a small chat,a couple laughs and its like my body forgot about the illness for a couple hours, the same thing happens when I lift weights. Its almost like I am cured completely for the duration of those happy events, but as soon as they are gone I immediately go back to being very ill.

 

[HenrySwanson]

Yes, I spent an extensive time in the hospital, I have been diagnosed with a very untypical and extremely drug resilient chronic inflammation (even TONS of cortisone does absolutely nothing) of my lower colon that makes even the best experts of my country scratch their heads - according to them they have never seen anything quite like it or heard of in their entire career. Cause, treatment and cure are unknowns.

95% of the digestion is done by the small intestines so I will not lose weight, however, the lower colon is for removing the water from the stool so you do not dehydrate and you don't suffer from constant diarrhea. Since the lower colon is so inflamed that it has ceased to work entirely I lose a lot of water every day, and a lot of blood due to the constantly bleeding infected parts - a situation that can become very dangerous quickly if I am not careful.

Ironically I keep lifting weights (when its not cramp-time) and I am actually very strong at the moment, as long as I am careful with the hydration and blood loss, but I cannot leave my home for very long because of the nasty nature of this disease. Unless there is a toilet at every corner.
And I don't want to anyway, when the cramps come they paralyze me completely for several hours.

Also a ''fun'' fact: the mental influence on this disease is absolutely spectacular. I tried to go to work and do a couple of low key stuff, just the most important things. When I got just a little stressed out the illness got easily twice as worse for the day, I had 20 bloody stools day and night, the cramps got nearly unbearable, I could not sleep, I nearly died. The tiniest amount of negative stress hits me like a bomb.

On the other hand, a friend came and visited me and we had a small chat,a couple laughs and its like my body forgot about the illness for a couple hours, the same thing happens when I lift weights. Its almost like I am cured completely for the duration of those happy events, but as soon as they are gone I immediately go back to being very ill.

Have doctors tried stronger immunosuppressants? Have they considered a colostomy (pretty radical I know)?

That's interesting that stress (and lack of it) has such a impact. Seems to be a common thing with IBS but I didn't realise inflammatory bowel disease is affected.

 

[Michael88]

Have doctors tried stronger immunosuppressants? Have they considered a colostomy (pretty radical I know)?

That's interesting that stress (and lack of it) has such a impact. Seems to be a common thing with IBS but I didn't realise inflammatory bowel disease is affected.

Both things have been considered, I'm most likely going to get an immunosuppressant in the form of a very radical TNF-blocker. I'm really worried that it wont work either since all the other things have failed completely.

 

[Imari]

I've kept trying hard to not be scared of everyone but I just can't seem to help it.

Don't try too hard. As dumb as it sounds, my advice would be "just be scared". If you have to sometimes leave a room or whatever, that's fine. Just roll with it.

My agoraphobia comes and goes depending on how well the drugs are working on any given day. Sometimes I can't leave the house. Sometimes at work I'll be in the middle of meetings and I'll just have to leave to go sit in a quiet room by myself and breathe for five minutes. Sometimes I'll have to go to the supermarket and buy food, so I just wear sunglasses and earphones and do my best to ride the wave of fear.

Do whatever it takes for you to get through the moment. Don't feel bad about it. It's not a failure of you or your personality, it's your neural chemistry being a pain in the hole. If you can sometimes beat it then you're doing pretty well. Sometimes being scared can take more strength for you than being comfortable would for someone else.

 

[Greycap]

Both things have been considered, I'm most likely going to get an immunosuppressant in the form of a very radical TNF-blocker. I'm really worried that it wont work either since all the other things have failed completely.

I've had a very bad case of psoriatic arthritis (one of the symptoms of which is depression, which is why I've been reading this thread every now and then) for four years now and last spring I was in pretty much the same situation. I was taking the maximum dose of cortisone per day, already over the maximum dose of methotrexate that is the main "normal" drug for it as the maximum dose wasn't cutting it, and still a total wreck with everyday things such as opening a bottle being difficult as my fingers didn't bend enough, let alone aching like hell. Even getting up from a chair was a project in itself as my knees simply didn't operate at any useful rate. CRP values in the very high two digits while they should be below ten.

Long story short, in April last year I got the first dose of biological drugs in IV therapy and since August I've been injecting them myself. If you saw me now you wouldn't notice a thing, for most of the time I don't even remember it myself and that's quite a thing considering that I have no idea how I made it through the time when life was nothing but pain between periods of sleep. That stuff really does work.

 

[Michael88]

Long story short, in April last year I got the first dose of biological drugs in IV therapy and since August I've been injecting them myself. If you saw me now you wouldn't notice a thing, for most of the time I don't even remember it myself and that's quite a thing considering that I have no idea how I made it through the time when life was nothing but pain between periods of sleep. That stuff really does work.

Thanks, it totally helps to hear from people who get those biological drugs and seem to be fine, that is exactly what they want to give me, but I'm going to get the little more ''intense'' version (Remicade) they give intravenously every 8 weeks, which is supposed to start working in a matter of days instead of a couple of weeks, because my disease has reached a dangerous stage.

Still, I'm totally scared about this treatment since, at least in my head, its such a huge manipulation of the immune system and because it makes me more prone to certain diseases, as far as I know blood infections and respiratory infections become a more serious problem. Also I read some people get super tired and weak from this medication, others get really sick.
Though I speak like I have another option, which does not seem to be the case, I could have gotten this biological drug two weeks ago already but I tried to cure myself with all sorts of experimental medications, which do not not seem to work much at all. At least I can say I tried everything.

BTW, I do have psoriasis as well, but only a little at the joints that never needed serious treatment. Doctors say that it could be connected with the gut inflammation since it has gotten significantly worse shortly before the gut inflammation started to ruin my life. The biological drug should take care of that as well. The irritated skin sucks a lot, I can only imagine how problematic it must be to have it go deeper and it being everywhere.

Come to think of it, an old friend of mine had neurodermatitits and and another very bad rheumatism, I think they both take biological drugs because in the past couple of years they've gotten heck of a lot better.

Its really uplifting and refreshing to hear people suffering from such illnesses getting treatment that works so wonderfully well they can lead a normal lives again. 👍 👍

 

[Greycap]

Thanks, it totally helps to hear from people who get those biological drugs and seem to be fine, that is exactly what they want to give me, but I'm going to get the little more ''intense'' version (Remicade) they give intravenously every 8 weeks, which is supposed to start working in a matter of days instead of a couple of weeks, because my disease has reached a dangerous stage.

I had the exact same stuff, under the name Remsima, in the IV therapy. Four times - the first time, two weeks later the second, then four weeks after that the third and then another eight weeks later the fourth, 300 mg each time if my memory serves. Probably a "shock start" to show the disease who's the boss. My knee pain, along with its friends, took a hike around a week after the first treatment and hasn't been seen ever since. Good riddance - they were hanging around for two and a half years too long.

Not a single side effect. After every treatment I jumped into my car and drove to work for the rest of the day. And if you get tired and have to take it easy for a while, it doesn't matter a bit if it works. The infection risk, well I don't know, I haven't had even a proper cold in years. I had to take a vaccine against pneumococcis before beginning the treatments, it'll supposedly protect me from meningitis and pneumonia for the rest of my life. Quite a good thing if it indeed does.

Now the drug I'm injecting myself is golimumab, you won't be getting it as it's specifically a joint disease drug, but I'm putting bets on Humira which a friend of mine uses for his gut inflammation disease. Another satisfied patient there.

This turned into a bit of a biological medication conversation but I can assure that anyone who's in bad enough shape to need that stuff is more or less depressed. The joys of life are very few and far between.

 

[Michael88]

I had the exact same stuff, under the name Remsima, in the IV therapy. Four times - the first time, two weeks later the second, then four weeks after that the third and then another eight weeks later the fourth, 300 mg each time if my memory serves. Probably a "shock start" to show the disease who's the boss. My knee pain, along with its friends, took a hike around a week after the first treatment and hasn't been seen ever since. Good riddance - they were hanging around for two and a half years too long.
Not a single side effect. After every treatment I jumped into my car and drove to work for the rest of the day. And if you get tired and have to take it easy for a while, it doesn't matter a bit if it works. The infection risk, well I don't know, I haven't had even a proper cold in years. I had to take a vaccine against pneumococcis before beginning the treatments, it'll supposedly protect me from meningitis and pneumonia for the rest of my life. Quite a good thing if it indeed does.

Ah, I did not know you could switch from one biological drug to another, I thought I had to use Remicade indefinitely once I start treatment with it. But it makes sense, this stuff seems to be the hardcore version of the biological drugs and there is no reason to use it beyond remission, using the softer variants later makes sense. As far as I know Remicade is not based entirely on human protein while the other softer variants are, so they are more compatible.

The dosage is a bit puzzling though, I know I have to start with 1000mg of Remicade and then they'll decrease the dosage by 200 at a time till it reaches 400. But this is probably related to body weight, I'm a weight lifter and I weigh 110kg. And the severity of the illness.

This turned into a bit of a biological medication conversation but I can assure that anyone who's in bad enough shape to need that stuff is more or less depressed. The joys of life are very few and far between.

I second this, this may seem a little off-topic but due to this disease I could leave my home only for two brief moments in the last 3 months, and while I do not sit around feeling ''classical'' depression I can feel the influence this illness has on my psyche. For example one of the mental effects is that I lost my appetite completely even though this is definitely not a physical effect of the illness, according to my doctors. I really have to force every bite of food down my mouth - after chewing it for an eternity- and it takes me an hour to eat a normal meal. This may sound funny but I tell you when the most basic things in life become torture depression kicks in HARD. Also I wake up soaking wet multiple times per night with my heart racing and I cannot stop it, I get tunnel vision - its like a panic attack every night. (Immediately followed by terrible cramps and several bloody sessions on the toilet)

In fact, it is known that chronic bowel diseases are among the top causes for depressions and illness-induced PTSD, along with organ transplantations and heart surgeries. Especially illness-induced PTSD is an interesting topic on its own, its widely overlooked and PTSD is mostly associated with traumatic events like rape or war, but its definitely a thing in health as well. I know people who are completely traumatized by severe health complications that happened at some point in their lives, and nobody took care of their problems because PTSD was not acknowledged as a side effect of their illness.

Thanks Greycap, your posts have been most helpful. 👍

 

[Greycap]

The dosage is a bit puzzling though, I know I have to start with 1000mg of Remicade and then they'll decrease the dosage by 200 at a time till it reaches 400. But this is probably related to body weight, I'm a weight lifter and I weigh 110kg.

It is related to body weight. I'm a featherweight mountain biker at 59 kg (you probably have more muscle mass than what I weigh as a whole!) and while you'll start off with a bigger dose (around 10 mg per kg) than I did (5 mg per kg), you'll also have a much longer time before the second treatment. I have no idea about the half-life of the drug but it seems that you're starting with a true "all out" dose that mostly wears off before the next one while in my case the level was kept lower but steadier, even built up slightly for the first six weeks. The doctors probably know what they're doing or if they don't, they're getting seriously good at guessing.

Thanks Greycap, your posts have been most helpful. 👍

Very happy to help. I know far too well how it feels to not have turned 30 yet and be afraid of dying, then learning that it won't happen and realizing that living in such condition for the next 50 years or so would be a lot worse than dying. At that point the urge to assist the Grim Reaper a bit begins to feel like a frighteningly good idea. If I can do something about it before someone else does something irreversible, I'll at least try.

 

[Michael88]

It is related to body weight. I'm a featherweight mountain biker at 59 kg (you probably have more muscle mass than what I weigh as a whole!) and while you'll start off with a bigger dose (around 10 mg per kg) than I did (5 mg per kg), you'll also have a much longer time before the second treatment. I have no idea about the half-life of the drug but it seems that you're starting with a true "all out" dose that mostly wears off before the next one while in my case the level was kept lower but steadier, even built up slightly for the first six weeks. The doctors probably know what they're doing or if they don't, they're getting seriously good at guessing.

Ah, my max weight dumbbell I can shoulder-press standing is 64kg.
Though I used to be a very avid cyclist, sadly lifting and cycling does not mix well due to weight and training reasons (Legs always sore). I miss it sometimes. Having mentioned cycling, one of the doctors mentioned that endurance athletes are often prone to gut problems like I have now. And funnily, people who smoke do not get such diseases.

Yeah I guess the docs know well why they give me that dosage, it was recommend by the leading specialist of my country so I feel not really qualified to question his decisions.

Very happy to help. I know far too well how it feels to not have turned 30 yet and be afraid of dying, then learning that it won't happen and realizing that living in such condition for the next 50 years or so would be a lot worse than dying. At that point the urge to assist the Grim Reaper a bit begins to feel like a frighteningly good idea. If I can do something about it before someone else does something irreversible, I'll at least try.

I'd love to drink a beer to that but that would probably be the worst thing I could do to myself now. Cheers anyway and thanks again! 👍

 

[ROAD_DOGG33J]

A study has come out saying that people with depression have low levels of acetyl-L-carnitine.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news...y-links-depression-blood-biomarker/870888002/

 

[Danoff]

Any advice for me on how to help a depressed friend? He's depressed that he cannot find a soul mate, and it's pretty crushing for him. He's 40, and has seen doctors, tried drugs, etc. His immediate family is not of much help. His parents just end up making him feel worse when they talk to him (they're terrible with people, and terrible people). His friends just depress him more by getting married and having kids. I feel like he has tried everything, and he just keeps coming back to not being able to make peace with being alone. And he's sick of trying in the dating world. I feel like he has tried everything - career, hobbies, pets, meds... it doesn't seem to help.

He's a bright guy, he understands intelligent rational thoughts. I could get through to him if I had a great message for him... but... I don't know what to tell him. He's right, it's important to find someone (although honestly not as important as he imagines). How can I help him if I think he's right to be depressed and I might be too?

He has said that the drugs helped him at one point, but right now he's the worst I've seen him in his looooong battle with this.

 

[PocketZeven]

Any advice for me on how to help a depressed friend? He's depressed that he cannot find a soul mate, and it's pretty crushing for him. He's 40, and has seen doctors, tried drugs, etc. His immediate family is not of much help. His parents just end up making him feel worse when they talk to him (they're terrible with people, and terrible people). His friends just depress him more by getting married and having kids. I feel like he has tried everything, and he just keeps coming back to not being able to make peace with being alone. And he's sick of trying in the dating world. I feel like he has tried everything - career, hobbies, pets, meds... it doesn't seem to help.

He's a bright guy, he understands intelligent rational thoughts. I could get through to him if I had a great message for him... but... I don't know what to tell him. He's right, it's important to find someone (although honestly not as important as he imagines). How can I help him if I think he's right to be depressed and I might be too?

He has said that the drugs helped him at one point, but right now he's the worst I've seen him in his looooong battle with this.

Sometimes when you try to force things (finding soulmate) that thing just wont happen. It is a big cliche, but investing in yourself is the best advice one can give. Try to be your best self and sooner or later someone will notice. Drugs only help with the symptoms and are never a cure.

Did he always have trouble with women/men? There is no such thing as a "soulmate". I could have married many of my ex-girlfriends and have been totally happy. The fact is there are a lot of women/men who might be compatible, but the only way to find out is be honest and especially yourself. In my experience people tend to miss out by "pretending" to be someone else. Sometimes you need to leave your comfortzone to get there.

Did your friend have girlfriends/boyfriends in the past? Is he is still depressed about it? Perhaps surroundings force him to remember her. Then I would recommend relocating to another town/city/state or even country at least temporarily. Putting yourself in a new environment you can explore yourself in a new surroundings, with people who not yet know you. Making new friends and even removing yourself from a toxic relationship with parents might already be a catalyst.
I have done it myself a few times (not related to depression, but for work/school) and it has helped keep me motivated at the time and even helped me reinvent myself.

Another tip is he should examine for what reason he cant find a significant other. Perhaps some certain traits are related to the place he is living or country. I have dated women from all over and me being an asian born in europe, I personally felt most comfortable with women with similair background. In my case I found it in someone from another country in europe. So especially dont limit yourself with borders!


edit: edited to be more gender neutral

 

[Danoff]

Sometimes when you try to force things (finding soulmate) that thing just wont happen. It is a big cliche, but investing in yourself is the best advice one can give. Try to be your best self and sooner or later someone will notice. Drugs only help with the symptoms and are never a cure.

He's done a fair bit of that. I'd make a list but I think I should keep it vague. I'll just say that he's a marathon runner at least.

Did he always have trouble with women/men? There is no such thing as a "soulmate". I could have married many of my ex-girlfriends and have been totally happy. The fact is there are a lot of women/men who might be compatible, but the only way to find out is be honest and especially yourself. In my experience people tend to miss out by "pretending" to be someone else. Sometimes you need to leave your comfortzone to get there.

Yea he has always had trouble with women. He's more of a man's man - and by that I mean he relates well to guys.

Did your friend have girlfriends in the past? Is he is still depressed about it?

Yea he's had a few serious girlfriends but I don't think he's depressed about them. He ended it with them. To my knowledge, he's only been dumped once and he took it pretty hard.

Perhaps surroundings force him to remember her. Then I would recommend relocating to another town/city/state or even country at least temporarily. Putting yourself in a new environment you can explore yourself in a new surroundings, with people who not yet know you. Making new friends and even removing yourself from a toxic relationship with parents might already be a catalyst.
I have done it myself a few times (not related to depression, but for work/school) and it has helped keep me motivated at the time and even helped me reinvent myself.

Yea he moved states, away from his parents and the regional culture in hopes of finding someone more compatible.

Another tip is he should examine for what reason he cant find a significant other. Perhaps some certain traits are related to the place he is living or country. I have dated women from all over and me being an asian born in europe, I personally felt most comfortable with women with similair background. In my case I found it in someone from another country in europe. So especially dont limit yourself with borders!

He's not hung up on race or genetics really. But he does have a set of dealbreaker personality and physical requirements that rules out almost the entire female gender, making it near impossible for him to find someone who fits. And then if he does she's married, or in a happy relationship, or isn't interested in him. I've hinted that maybe he just needs to find the right guy, but I'm pretty sure he's not gay (or he'd have gone for that by now).

Your approach to this has not been to try to manage the depression but rather to solve the problem. I've been trying to solve his problem for the last 10+ years, and it never sticks. I think somehow he needs to come to terms with being alone. That's not going well at the moment.

 

[PocketZeven]

He's done a fair bit of that. I'd make a list but I think I should keep it vague. I'll just say that he's a marathon runner at least.



Yea he has always had trouble with women. He's more of a man's man - and by that I mean he relates well to guys.



Yea he's had a few serious girlfriends but I don't think he's depressed about them. He ended it with them. To my knowledge, he's only been dumped once and he took it pretty hard.



Yea he moved states, away from his parents and the regional culture in hopes of finding someone more compatible.



He's not hung up on race or genetics really. But he does have a set of dealbreaker personality and physical requirements that rules out almost the entire female gender, making it near impossible for him to find someone who fits. And then if he does she's married, or in a happy relationship, or isn't interested in him. I've hinted that maybe he just needs to find the right guy, but I'm pretty sure he's not gay (or he'd have gone for that by now).

Your approach to this has not been to try to manage the depression but rather to solve the problem. I've been trying to solve his problem for the last 10+ years, and it never sticks. I think somehow he needs to come to terms with being alone. That's not going well at the moment.

Giving up would even be worse for him I think. is there a possibility having hope probably keeps him going? It should never be too late to find a significant other. I am almost inclined to suggest in finding someone in Asia or eastern europe, depending on the traits he is looking for in a woman. What are the physical and personality requirements? Is the woman he got dumped by perhaps "the one that got away"? Make sure he isnt still stuck in that thought of that particular woman. My brother is 40 and is still stuck one some woman he had a crush on 5 years ago.

I personally have had 2 bouts of depression in my own history. The first one was love related and the second more work related. I got in of the first one by going in and out of consecutive serious relationships (which i wont go into detail now) and felt I may have missed my chance with my "soulmate". I coincidently went abroad to study in Asia and do an internship, which helped enormously with "managing" my depression. The new environment, language, new friends etc. In the end I kept dating and realised I shouldnt limit myself in thinking the concept of a soulmate and found my current wife and happily married. And she isnt what i used to like in the physical department. I used to like small women with some "meat" on them and ended up with a tall skinny woman.

 

[Danoff]

Giving up would even be worse for him I think. is there a possibility having hope probably keeps him going? It should never be too late to find a significant other. I am almost inclined to suggest in finding someone in Asia or eastern europe, depending on the traits he is looking for in a woman. What are the physical and personality requirements? Is the woman he got dumped by perhaps "the one that got away"? Make sure he isnt still stuck in that thought of that particular woman. My brother is 40 and is still stuck one some woman he had a crush on 5 years ago.

I personally have had 2 bouts of depression in my own history. The first one was love related and the second more work related. I got in of the first one by going in and out of consecutive serious relationships (which i wont go into detail now) and felt I may have missed my chance with my "soulmate". I coincidently went abroad to study in Asia and do an internship, which helped enormously with "managing" my depression. The new environment, language, new friends etc. In the end I kept dating and realised I shouldnt limit myself in thinking the concept of a soulmate and found my current wife and happily married. And she isnt what i used to like in the physical department. I used to like small women with some "meat" on them and ended up with a tall skinny woman.

Unfortunately I was considering the entire world when I said that his requirements eliminate just about all of the female gender.

 

[PocketZeven]

Unfortunately I was considering the entire world when I said that his requirements eliminate just about all of the female gender.

Makes me curious what these requirements are?