Depression Thread

Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by JohnBM01, Mar 24, 2004.

  1. MatskiMonk

    MatskiMonk Premium

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    I'm not going to pretend I've stood on the edge as you have, but I've got fairly close, so what follows is anecdotal, but represents my thoughts on such things;

    These are the kind thoughts you've got to cement into your mind. If you know that when you're thinking rationally you do care, then when you're in a position thinking "**** it, I don't care" it should be a good indication that you're not thinking rationally, and that the good bit of you is under attack from the bad bit of you - and when you're under attack you've gotta fight it, not embrace it. I know I've banged on about this before but I believe people have got to see things like this as an attack - to try and push it into the domain of the basic human instinct for survival.

    Part of the problem with alcohol/drugs, is that you're attracted to the good bits that it offers, but with no/little self control to go with it, it invariably ends up being the bad bits that come to pass instead.. but, at least it's clear why it's hard to fight that urge (to me anyway). The other self destructive urges we can sometimes get often don't bring such habitually addictive positive elements with them, so they shouldn't be as difficult to mentally fight, or run away from.

    I know what this took to manifest itself with me in the past, the hot precise tug of a razor doing non-lethal damage, to bring my mind back together, and put the good bit of me back in control. I also now have 7 or 8 reminders that I'll be wearing until I die, of the fact that I must always fight to be in control of my direction. Obviously this is a deeply personal reaction and I doubt many people who have self harmed would point to this as being their motivation. But, the key thing is building that basal trigger that puts you back in control - having a wife and child is a far more positive one if you can get it engrained deep enough...

    ... but in any case, it's about finding something that acts as a barrier to actually stepping over that edge.
     
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  2. Skython

    Skython

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    Very well said, the whole thing certainly opened my eyes to it a bit. In the grand scheme of things it shouldn't at all be surprising that self harm (or worse) can be so rational, seeing as how wide the scope is for general perception (the fact that terrorists can think that they're doing good is example enough to explain that spread). Even if it's just for a period of time while in an altered state of mind, the fact that the thought/feeling is there in any state surely means that it's valid. Though I have sort of just rephrased what you said on second thought. :p

    And with regards to people not understanding, this year I've seen myself sinking lower than I ever have, though when I first started sinking I thought it was as bad as I would get. Then it gets worse. It's easy for the unaware to think they know something if they haven't a clue, it's usually only when people start to truly feel it for themselves can they even begin to understand. I wouldn't say I was a depressed person, though I have had a very rough year where I haven't really felt like me or any of the things I do have any worth. With that I can't possibly understand what it's like for some of you guys who have battled it in a more severe way for much longer, but with what I know I can say my heart goes out to you, even if I don't really know what that means in a real sense. Just that I understand that I don't understand, maybe? Which in a grand scheme doesn't mean much.
     
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  3. Casey

    Casey

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    Just when I was just starting to feel happy again my life just turns around again.
     
  4. Imari

    Imari

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    The joys of mental health in Australia.

    https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/h...y/news-story/cc77b01572676c8b140424777c3ff642

    There's quite a good discussion about this in r/menslib.



    Mental health is a big problem for both genders at the moment, but men seem to have some particular problems getting help simply because of the way that our cultures are set up. Also, Australian support for mental health in general is garbage.
     
  5. JohnBM01

    JohnBM01 Premium

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    Oh, that's awful in Australia. I don't care how depressed you are- injury and death are the extremes of depression, and help is DEFINITELY needed in these situations. I certainly hope that stat can get curbed in Australia.
     
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  6. INEEDNAWZZZ

    INEEDNAWZZZ

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    I've been pretty happy for quite a while, to the point where I think I'm 'fixed' for the most part. However, over the past few days, I've suddenly become quite introspective and began evaluating my life in all areas. Thinking about missed opportunities, failed friendships, relationships, career prospects, things that could've been done differently. It hasn't dragged my mood down or anything, it's just left me slightly miffed. Like I've had an epiphany about something, but I don't know what that is.

    I know that isn't really depression related, but I wasn't sure if anyone else has had moments like this.
     
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  7. Hollow

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    I don't know if what I'm going to write about belongs in this thread but I guess I'll go ahead anyway, opinions or thoughts might help me out.
    I've always been sort of cynical in my thoughts and future outlooks, but I don't think I've experienced actual depression until now. Warning, incoming block of text.

    Recently, I was hospital bound, and was told I might have Multiple Sclerosis. An autoimmune disease that affects your central nervous system aka the brain and spine. In case I do have it, there can be mild symptoms from sensory ones to complete full body paralysis in it's worst case. I'm told I have an 80% chance of developing this, since I've had a first attack of it. But for an official diagnosis, doctors need two separate attacks. Now this supposed second attack can happen at any point in the rest of my life, maybe tomorrow, next week, next month, in a year, 5 years, 10? or it might not even happen at all. I do suffer from anxiety since before this, and this just made it way worse. I'm that type of person who likes to plan things or at least have an idea of what I'm going to be doing when.

    This diagnosis also developed a horde of feelings I never knew were stirring up inside until this event opened my eyes. For the last 2-3 years, I slowly started giving up on a normal life. During 2015 I struggled with my college, and ultimately failed, I was suspended and was miserable. I lost interest in life, felt like I was a complete failure, that I didn't deserve anything because it was entirely my fault. I was very upset, wish I died in a car accident everytime I drove. I also stared to develop a long list of medical issues. Barely able to eat anything, lost lots of weight, constant heartburn, stomach aches, random body pains, facial pain etc A year passed, and I started college again with a super serious attitude to finish properly this time around, I had laser focus despite of minor bouts of illness. Then came 2016, my father suffered a spinal stroke and I thought I was going to lose him. My father is a pediatrician, and he suffers from COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder). He has other issues as well like he's had a couple of heartattacks, asthma, muscle wasting etc. But this stroke was by far the worst thing he has ever suffered, since then, he lost his ability to walk, and that's where it all went downhill for me. I never trust other doctors, therefore I started to read anything and everything I can to help diagnose dad at the time, since no one was sure it was a stroke. I tried to make sense of things that weren't my job to make sense of, but I guess stress makes you do desperate things.

    Once he was home, I started to feel bad for him. He was in a bad emotional state at that time since he has lots of pride and preferred death over getting paralyzed waist down. I sort of felt like it was my responsibility to get him through it. I tried to do anything and everything for him, whether it was emotional, mental, or physical help. I slowly realized all I did was go to college, then get back and take care of him, I had no life. Despite the fact that our government provides home-care nurses around the clock for free, and my mom looked after him all the time too. Whenever I would go out for fun or do things for myself, I felt a bit guilty, knowing he's suffering and that I should go and try to cheer him up instead. I would spend hours of my free time talking to him trying to make him forget his new reality. It got worse slowly, when I would go out, he'd start calling me asking me where I am or to get him certain medications. It got worse after and he'd expect me to not go out and instead spend hours talking to him so he could feel better. He would constantly say that he doesn't have much time to live so might as well talk to him as much as i could. I don't think he realized how much his words affected me because I would listen to stuff like that and not sleep, constantly thinking about it. He started to guilt me into spending every waking hour of my life with him, doing errands for him, getting meds for him, taking him to his appointments, be his source of happiness. It drained me mentally, but I entered a trance like state, of agreeing to whatever he said out of my own feelings of guilt, stopped going out because nothing was interesting or worth going out for. My mom suffered the same situation and told me that if we don't suffer for him who will, that's what family is for.

    Dad would sometimes be very sick and tell me to be around in case he needs to go to the ER, or to stay outside his room just in case he needs anything. This became almost daily, and when I tried to resist it, I was told you can't even stick around and do that much for a parent? I started to get terrible anxiety when I'd go out, thinking I should probably go home because something will go wrong. I was unable to have fun or even stay out for more than 2-3 hours on a weekend. All I did was college, house errands and being around just in case. Whenever my mind fought my own trance like behavior, my guilt of "not doing enough" would eat me up and I didn't stop. I cut off friends, I shutdown emotionally, and dad's constant hospitalizations made me feel like this is it he's going to die this time around. My family also expects each other to adjust their schedules to handle dad being in the hospital, aka someone should be with him at all times. Since me and me younger sister were in college, my older siblings worked. We'd spend the majority of our time in the hospital room. That in itself was depressing, it would be upto 9 hours a day at a time, stuck in a room.

    I slowly became the go to option for my family to dump errands and responsibilities on. I never said no, I never said it's too much stress for me to handle everything, that my college hours+internship wasn't easy. I was always told "If you won't do it then who will, no one has the time, but you do". I started believing that and guilted myself into everything. Until two months ago, half my face went numb, and even then I was like no this is nothing, others are in a much worse condition. Then I was hospitalized myself and told stress triggered this autoimmune reaction and formed a lesion in my brain. That to me wasn't the worst thing in the world, the worst feeling was when I came home from the hospital after two weeks, and realized what was I soo eager to come back to. I have no life to come back to. All I did was be a student, care-taker and driver for my own family. Nothing of my own, I had recently graduated and yet felt no happiness, had no aims, no goals, no excitement for the future. That's when I started getting intense feelings of giving up. The fact that MS will eventually make me end up in a wheelchair very soon, that I won't be normal, that I won't be able to do alot of physical activities soo early on in life. I had no reason to live besides the fact that my religion forbids me to commit suicide.

    I've been struggling to accept what my life has become, and that others around me cannot get the feelings that I'm going through. To them if I'm not crying, fighting, visibly depressed and look fine, I'm fine, which is far from the truth. I've been trying to find good therapists, but have heard most of them are super expensive here and don't help much. But yeah, I thought sharing here might help me understand these issues better.
     
  8. Shaun

    Shaun Premium

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    Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just need to chat about the possibility of having MS.

    Mrs Shaun was diagnosed with MS about 13 years ago while pregnant with our second child (though when we think back we are sure it was there a bit earlier), my stepmother also has MS so I know a little about it if you need a sounding board. :tup:
     
  9. W3HS

    W3HS Premium

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    @Hollow, what you say you're feeling has all the hallmarks of depression.

    It's very possible to live and deal with these mental issues and appear fine to an outside viewer while inside you're being eaten alive by darkness.

    Do you exercise? It's one way of boosting one's own defence against any potential chemical imbalance in the brain which can be causing depression.

    I hate to suggest medication, even in the mildest form, but if it is clinical depression you're dealing with it might be the only long term solution. I know I've relied on antidepressants most of my adult life just to be able to function like a person.

    Depression isn't uncommon. You just have to look around this thread to see that. Chances are that there are people you know that feel like you do but let no clue of it show in their daily lives and suffer alone, in silence. It's not something you need to be ashamed or guilty about, I hope you know that.

    Stress is a killer. Literally. Do what you can to avoid it or deal with it.
     
  10. Hollow

    Hollow Premium

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    Thanks Shaun, means a lot that you would offer that. I hope your wife and stepmother are doing well.

    I do exercise but not the way I used to before. I took it seriously a few years ago, now I just do what I can instead of stick to a routine. I’ll try to get that in order though it might help you’re right.

    I have been offered medication several times by different doctors who were not psychiatrists or psychologists. They think all my day to day medical symptoms are related to anxiety or stress. I ws mostly prescribed anxiety pills and occasionally anti-depressants. I have a conservative approach to medicine though, I prefer to exhaust all other options before I turn to them. How do anti-depressants make you feel?

    I’ve read this thread for years now, and always thought wow people on here are strong, because just admitting to yourself that you have a problem is a milestone of its own, at least IMO. The support on here is very genuine and sincere with no judgements. :tup:
     
  11. kikie

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    People seriously, kinesiology!

    I did three sessions and the anxiety is gone. I told my psychiatrist about this and she said that it could be part due to the meds and part due to the kinesiology. I have never felt this mental freedom since these kinesiology sessions.
     
  12. W3HS

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    The right ones at the right dosage are unnoticeable and life seems completely normal as it would to somebody not depressed (I'm guessing).

    I've been on and off Fluoxetine aka Prozac for more than a decade and have almost always benefited from it. Recently I've had to take higher dosages due to building tolerance. Too much makes me manic (which I get anyway - hence Manic Depression as it's known) and not enough doesn't make any difference to my low mood.

    To me it seems to block negative thoughts and almost brightens the world so that it's easy to see the positive in all aspects of things which boosts ones mood massively. There are side-effects, for me it's been lack of sex drive and anorgasmia if I'm on a heavy dose. It varies from person to person.

    My sister took some for anxiety and it made her worse so it really does take some experimenting to get the right drug. I went through 3 or 4 different antidepressants before I found that Prozac worked for me.

    I certainly owe my life and ability to function at a normal level to the drugs when I'm on them.

    As you say though, it's worth exhausting all other possibilities before turning to medication. It should be a last resort.

    @kikie, I'm going to look into Kinesiology if you recommend it.
     
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  13. kikie

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    Make sure that it is not a quack. It has to be a real Kinesiology therapist.
     
  14. JohnBM01

    JohnBM01 Premium

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    Some of you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) for certain times of the year. If you tend to feel bad during times of cooler weather or something, try to find ways to deal any way you can.

    As I always say- don't let depression win. We're all in the same fight, GTPlanet. So let's help each other out as best as we can.
     
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  15. MatskiMonk

    MatskiMonk Premium

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    Mostly I find I'm affected from New Years Day through till New Years Eve.. that's the days I struggle to get through the most.

    Happy suicide season though everyone... Yay!
     
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  16. Dan

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    I can’t remember where I heard it, but supposedly there’s an increase in suicides during Spring. Perhaps it’s because of everything being bright and full of life, while a severely depressed person might feel the exact opposite.
     
  17. kikie

    kikie Premium

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    Believe me when I say that it doesn't matter how a severely depressed person feels like whatever season it is.

    The sentence doesn't sound right. Let me rephrase that.

    Whatever season it is, it doesn't have any effect on a severely depressed person.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2018
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  18. W3HS

    W3HS Premium

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    My tough days are always the ones that end in the letter Y.
     
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  19. MatskiMonk

    MatskiMonk Premium

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    I have to say I disagree, seasons tend to bring with them social and economic changes, habit changes, and often work/school life can alter. These things can have an adverse or positive effect effect on quality of life, and part of living with depression is managing quality of life.

    Winter brings with it some steep challenges for me. I'm never more likely to top myself than New Years Eve, and this has lead to some fairly extreme panic situations for me. 15 years ago I turned up to the pub on New Year dripping with my own blood, and I wasn't even sure why. I ****ing hate Christmas too, I'm in a difficult long distance relationship at the moment, and I know I'm going to end up being a dick to my family because I miss my girlfriend so much. It's difficult everyday, it's more difficult at Christmas. This isn't directly linked to depression but it's a kick in the head at a time when mental strength is required to keep on keeping on.
     
  20. W3HS

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    The holiday season around Christmas and New Year always gets me hard because of the relentless flow of alcohol. It’s a time of the year when an alcoholic can blend in with society because everyone is on the lash.

    Unfortunately for me alcohol is one of my biggest causes of depression.
     
  21. kikie

    kikie Premium

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    I have to disagree as well. If I'm severely depressed, whatever season it is, it doesn't help at all. Not even social, economic, habit changes. When I'm severely depressed my brain chemistry is so messed up that all of these things you mentioned don't do anything. I think that other people with the same degree of depression will feel the same. I have encountered many severely depressed people in the hospital and always during the summer and they were, just as I, severely depressed (and other mental disorders as well).
    When you have a depression as I have when I'm severely depressed, nothing but not even slightest help or whatever will help. Only one thing will and that is in my case SSRI medication, to get my brain chemistry back to normal levels. From September 22 and in 2017 I was severely depressed for the sixth time in my life. Also my paradoxical reaction to benzos made it even worse. I weighed only 58.5kg, the first 5 to 6 months of 2017 and I can tell you, nothing but not even beautiful sunny weather helped me at all. Battling every day these severe suicide feelings, as if my mind wanted to kill me but I refused, lost a lot of my muscle strength (going down the stairs was a challenge because my legs couldn't support my 58.5kg almost anymore), had these severe crying episodes every day for months, started to get phobias again, couldn't eat, had such severe panic attacks that I had to go to the ER A&E) numerous times. Not even to mention all the other physical stuff I had to go through during my depressions. That my friend are severe clinical depressions and nothing, not even buying a Porsche, having a harem of the most beautiful girls around me, not being in the sun all day long every day, not winning Euro millions would help at all. Not even 300mg Sertraline didn't do anything for a while.
    I have been working out (mainly cardiovascular, stretching, and explosive strength exercises for many years but last year I didn't go to the gym for 9 months because it was not possible. Being amongst people, friends in the gym had an adverse affect. When I went to the fitness to tell them that I wasn't able to come anymore, I was panicking, crying and shaking all over the place.

    So I disagree with your statement completely. I don't want to insult you but it seems that you have never experienced a severe clinical depression once. I'm not saying that you aren't depressed and that you didn't have had panic attacks because I'm sure you have (reading some of your previous posts proves that) but probably not even close to the depressions I had to go to in my life.

    I agree with your statement when people are depressed. In that case it is possible to feel better when seasons bring social, economics, habit changes. But not when they are severely depressed.

    It is to the severe depression post I reacted. In your case (social, economics stuff), depressed people are still functioning. I was not, not even the slightest.

    It is partially genetics in my case because my mother killed herself when she was 49 y.o.. Being bullied for many, many years didn't do any good as well to my mental state.
     
  22. Street Racer 77

    Street Racer 77

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    Hey guys,

    could somebody help me?

    I would like to understand more about depression. One of my best friends has depressions. And lately they get worse.
    For me, it is hard to understand, that nothing helps to beat his despression. No matter whether we do something very cool, something nice is about to happen, the sun is shining or we have beautiful wheather overall. I'm a very positive person and I can always motivate myself and enjoy even the smallest things in Life. that's why I would like to understand Depression more. But my friend doesn't want to talk about it. He just described it as clouds in his head which won't go away, no matter what you do. sometimes it only takes a few hours for his "clouds" to go away. But sometimes it takes weeks.

    So what exaclty do you feel?
    Does somebody know what he means with his clouds? And could you explain it?
    Is there nothing what can motivate you or make you positive minded again?
    What triggers the depression?
    How can I help him as a friend to get over it or at least to make him understand that I'm there for him and that he should never commit suicide?
    Is it genetically or was there probably something which triggered it?
     
  23. W3HS

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    Depression is unique to each individual and even then unique at different times.
    Nobody can explain to you what your friend is feeling, most of the time it’s hard enough to put the feeling in words.

    I could try to paint you a picture but I’d only be describing one of my numerous episodes which may be completely off the mark.

    There are too many answers to your questions that I wouldn’t really know where to start but its often a chemical imbalance in the brain.
     
  24. MatskiMonk

    MatskiMonk Premium

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    @kikie

    Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that a nice sunny day makes peoples problems go away. I'm certainly not about to tell you you are wrong based on your experiences but I think we're seeing things differently.

    It think the principle I'm talking about relates mostly to this...

    At whatever level someones depression is, I believe this ability to battle, and to refuse is a reflection of what level of quality of life we've managed to maintain. Like I say, I know a sunny day isn't a cure, but not being freezing cold alone in a dark house might be one less thing to erode your state of mind and your ability to maintain enough perspective to want to fight. The closer we get to hopelessness the less we can rely on our survival mechanism.

    This is of course, just my opinion.
     
  25. W3HS

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    Oh, hey! My first foray into depression began in my cold, dark, lonely house (down the dark, dark street, in the dark, dark suburb of the dark, dark capital city*). Ah, the memories.

    I can't even take my own condition seriously anymore.

    *10 points for anyone who gets the reference.
     
  26. kikie

    kikie Premium

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    It is my personality, my willpower, not life quality that makes me to get out of these depressions. There is something inside my mind that always tries to find a solution. The day I stop fighting and try to find solutions is the day I give up and probably die.
    It is very possible that a wealthy person commits suicide while a homeless person keeps on fighting day after day. It is all about how one's brain function and his/her personality and willpower to fight back, not the quality of life. A good quality of life could make the fight a little easier though but that is it. But is definitely not the deciding factor.

    This opinion sounds to be a very good opinion.
     
  27. HenrySwanson

    HenrySwanson

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    Big exams coming up but I'm not even sure I want to pass them :ouch:
     
  28. UnkaD

    UnkaD

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    I feel like my life is not my own. I can't remember the last time I could enjoy a day to myself, to do just what I want. Just one day. I don't even have a job, yet all of my time is swallowed up. A lot of my own responsibilites are being neglected because I don't have the time or energy after everyone's had their piece of me.

    I'm starting to feel smothered. My family grew to the breaking point before I had the chance to establish a life of my own, and I've been picking up the slack for everyone for too long. I'm starting to get sick. My dad died three weeks ago. Lung cancer. It had been the most exhausting five months of my life. Now that he's gone and we've grieved, I hoped things would settle down. I began to think of things I need to finish and square away, but no. Every day there is something else. My sister with too many kids and too much on her plate. My brother with custody issues against an insane hag, causing him to drink more than he should.

    Most importantly, there is my mom who no longer can remember anything for more than ten seconds. She was my priority before my dad got sick, and will once again be the center of my attention. But first I need to unwind desperately. I'm a ball of nerves. My sister took her opportunity to get away, and conveniently I'm always home so naturally she can count on me to pick up her kids from school and take them to get costumes TWO DAYS before halloween. Must be nice to ditch all of your issues onto someone else. I've never known that luxury. I'm the bottom of the foodchain, the youngest with no kids of his own. The one with nothing better to do, I guess.
     
  29. Dan

    Dan Premium

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    What methods do you use to relax?
     
  30. kikie

    kikie Premium

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    Talking about nerves. Last week, I was at the end of my wits. Thursday evening, I started to feel very dizzy, exhausted and everything was spinning around me. I should have stopped with what I was doing and get some rest but instead I kept doing what I was doing.

    The next morning when I woke up and sat up in my bed, everything started spinning again. I had to call the doctor for test result (father) and told my doctor what I was feeling. He said that it was probably from exhaustion and excessive stress (due to the condition my father is in and I'm all alone to take care of him) and my body completely out of balance.

    Luckily the dizziness went away and I'm doing things much slower now.