Depression Thread

Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by JohnBM01, Mar 24, 2004.

  1. JockeP22

    JockeP22 Premium

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    It's quite remarkable how much power words can have and how much they can hurt and linger in your mind. I received derogatory and belittling words by a bully at work today, a man old enough to be my father and I had done nothing to deserve them either.

    We don't even work together, only share the same space from time to time (it's a pretty big work place). He has given me a few jabs at other times as well.

    I could never act like that towards anybody, I try to live my life not upsetting anyone and treating others with respect. I keep my thoughts to myself if I should not like somebody. Hearing his remarks was hurtful and I've been trying to help myself all day by thinking that I have it good in my life at the moment, I'm still young, I'm healthy, I have a job & a car & a home, I contribute to society, I still have both my parents in good health, siblings are doing well. This bully means nothing to me and my life, and I don't need him at all.

    I know what you mean by it being only a factor and I can feel the same as you, I've been wanting to post in here for a long time to talk about my own story dealing with depression, maybe I will one day. Everybody who's sharing in here are very brave in my opinion.
     
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  2. MedigoFlame

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    Thought about posting in this thread for some time. But I was concerned that my problems would not be considered depression.

    Came to the realization that maybe posting here would be better than social media. Mostly because if I post anything wrong (or even positive) about my life, a family member will tell my parents, who prefer to be very private. As a result my parents would yell at me for sharing stuff about my life to anyone other than them.... I'd hear things like "You posted on FACEBOOK about being laid off!!? What is that going to help you with!?" They hate talking about anything outside of the house. I suppose it's more of a cultural thing for them, so they don't realize seeking outside help is better than inside. They've even said seeking a therapist is "wasteful."
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
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  3. ildd

    ildd

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    I rarely post on here much anymore, but considering I joined more than seven years ago, I figured it's worth making a post about. Maybe I need to post here more, even if I don't Gran Turismo as much as I used to.
    There's a few members here who I talk to regularly, and a few more sparingly, who already know what happened, but for the rest, here it is. I say that not intended in a demeaningful way.
    Shortly after the past Christmas, my mom died of essentially unknown reasons. In October, she was in a terrible car accident involving an 18-wheeler, and although not present (I was at work, and was unable to leave) I saw only one way the accident could have happened; positioning, speed, etc, after seeing the car. I saw the police report in early December with the incident diagram depicting exactly what I had imagined. From the beginning (after hearing my dad saying she was in an accident), for some reason my first instinct was suicide. He disagreed with me 100%. As morbid as it may sound, I think that, although diagnosed and hearing my mom tell others she was not depressed, I feel like I know that shortly after I was born, it was the beginning of the end. There were a multitude of health problems that arose in her including thyroid shutdown, fibromyalgia, a recent onset of possible Parkinsons, overperscription of pain meds, and to be honest, a feeling of worthlessness that was brought during these last 20 years, that I did nothing but contribute to excluding 2018.
    I wanted an autopsy done to see if it could have possibly been cardiac related, sleep apnea, etc. Something along those lines. To condense a long story into a couple sentences, I'm a manager at a Texas-started restaurant and predominately work nights; this particular night (12/28), I got off at 4am, having to stay late and had to report an incident regarding a gun being pulled by a customer. I woke up around 11am and had to get a couple things taken care of before I went in again at 5pm. My dad had asked me to check on my mom beforehand; she was snoring, and didn't want to bother her, so I set out. I got back around 3pm and checked on her then because she wasn't snoring. I called her and no response; I touched her hand and already knew but called 911 because I didn't know what else to do.
    The first few days were tough. Really, really tough. I was sleeping a lot. I'd sleep my normal time, then later i'd try and take a nap and wake up 5 or 6 hours later. Just for sakes, it's worth mentioning I asked for literally one thing during the first week; before my nap on 12/31, I essentially cried myself to sleep and asked God for a beautiful sunset. I've had my ins-and-outs regarding religion in my life but these last three years, i've been considering and 'studying' it. I woke up from my nap and went out to buy some fireworks and alcohol and pulling in to my house, and only in my street in particular, I noticed the ground was red and not gray. I looked to the north of our house and saw some nice cloud formations and nice, red colors; I got in the backyard and looked past the trees to the northwest and man, i'm not posting the picture for attention purposes, but it was something else. I had my dad come out to see it but still haven't told or talked to him the importance of that night until he read about it on a FB post; two weeks after the fact.
    So back to the autopsy; although I wanted one, and offered my dad to cover the expenses, he didn't want one done. As much as I wanted one, both him and my mom knew how much into facts I was, I honored his wishes and we didn't get an autopsy done. During the discussion it was basically him saying, "I really don't want to know if she killed herself." I get it. She had been in so much pain for so long. Because of the government shutdown, she still hasn't been cremated. Funeral home said something about death certificates, etc etc but i'm calling them tomorrow after they open ahead of time so i can see the body again, basically to confirm they still have it. My dad wants to spread the ashes over many places, but I haven't really heard of that before, so i was hesitant; a couple places, sure. Further research says it isn't too much of a disturbance of peace and what not, so i'm on board now.
    I've battled my own depression before. I've battled alcoholism before. I've wondered before what it would be like, multiple times, if I was not in existence. Today was a productive day; I reserved my Uhaul truck for my apartment move in next Tuesday, that I signed for two weeks ago; I started moving a lot of boxes into the garage, where I had been keeping the furniture for three weeks; I bought new shoes, I started looking to get internet set up ahead of time, I already signed up for electricity to start the day before I move in. Unknown to anyone before this post, simply because I don't think it really means a lot, was the first time in my life I actually considered killing myself.
    It lasted a short while. Maybe thirty minutes. I keep a .40 cal handgun downstairs in case someone decided to break in; the magazine is kept outside the gun. I never touched the gun today. But I actually thought about it, for the first time. I was crying uncontrollably. The music drowned out the tears and sobbing. It does again, right now. Last Wednesday I drank a whole bottle of Jager in three hours. It was also the first night I drove while even remotely intoxicated since 2015. It was so i could buy more alcohol. Emotionally, didn't really feel much, except for praying that I didn't encounter much traffic. Right now I'm at a third of a bottle since 2pm, plus three beers as chasers, essentially. I have nowhere to go tonight except bed. I woke up at 12.

    edit- I forgot to mention I haven't forgone any kind of therapy. my own therapy has been writing poems. essentially nothing else.
     
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  4. W3HS

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    Sorry to hear of your Ma’s passing @ildd, it must be a tough time for you and your family.

    With regards to what you suspect as a suicide, have you ever heard of “the call of the void”? It’s a phenomenon that can occur with anyone, the phrase is a translation from French.

    A close friend of mine and myself have discussed it at length as it’s happened to us numerous times, although we’ve both been suicidal in the past, it’s maybe something you could look up.

    As for feeling suicidal yourself, I’m probably the wrong person to give advice as my few attempts have been passive and obviously unsuccessful, but wait out the day and see if tomorrow you still feel the same. I’ve used this practice to keep myself from relapsing on the booze and it’s about the best advice I can give from my perspective.

    Anyhow, keep strong and vent here if you need to. Sometimes it helps to have the sympathetic ear of strangers.
     
  5. ildd

    ildd

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    Yes. I first heard of it from a video a couple years ago and discussed it with a friend a month ago, under different circumstances. I appreciate the words.
     
  6. MedigoFlame

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    Found this video rather helpful in identifying some of my issues. Mainly losing contact with friends and believing everyone out there is against me....
     
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  7. kikie

    kikie Premium

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    I have always had this feeling/thought that my mental/psychological problems are partially caused by the amalgam in my teeth.
     
  8. MedigoFlame

    MedigoFlame Premium

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    Despite getting a new job that has so far treated me a little better than the last, I still feel miserable. The job has at least been keeping me busy.

    I can't shake the feeling that I'm a miserable person who unintentionally brings people around myself down. Whether it's friends, family, or even strangers, I always seem to make them angry. Of course it's only my interpretation of how they feel.

    I feel like I'm full of regrets and they just keep piling up. Today especially when I snapped at my neighbor, only for me to end up sounding like the :censored: Feels like everything I do ends up biting me back even harder. Makes me want to disappear from the world....
     
  9. Skython

    Skython

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    It sounds to me like your lack of enthusiasm for yourself reflects in every corner, and you may just worry about disappointing people who don't deserve to be appeased. You may need to look inside for any consistencies that lead to those regrets. Don't think about how it effects them or yourself, just think about the sequence of events. What lead you to lash, or them to lash, or feel anger. Sometimes you may find that a conflict is not so much a conflict as a miscommunication. And if the result is that it's not a miscommunication, but someone wanting bad for you but good for themselves, why regret? And if they don't want bad for you, and you don't want bad for them, surely it's just a miscommunication. After all, it's not your intention to hurt or bring people down, meaning you're not a bad person.
     
  10. W3HS

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    This is a good observation.

    I’ve found that a lot of people who others say are grumpy or ill-tempered are fine with me because I just don’t see them that way and look past that, knowing that most people have a lighter side and my attitude towards them seems to bring it out.

    This is especially true of some middle management types who feel they need to act a certain way to command respect but in truth if they’re seen as a human being and not some high and mighty wrath bringer they can be just as humble and friendly as the next person.

    I think a lot of the way people appear is based on our own perception of them and how we view them, rather than how they really are.
     
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  11. kikie

    kikie Premium

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    I'm down again. :ouch:
     
  12. kikie

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    I got some very good news yesterday which lifted my spirits immediately.
     
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  13. JohnBM01

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    I think an important thing in regards to helping out your depressed state is having a support system. To some people, the depressed persons themselves ARE their support system. It does, though, help to have other people within arms reach or perhaps via phone lines or cyberspace to assist you in times of need. So try to look to other people to help you with your depression if you can find others to help you.
     
  14. nostradavor2

    nostradavor2

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    You think someone who is not friend, gf/bf, husband/wife, family would actually listen to someone moaning all the time.. Maybe once.. Maybe the person is polite and would listen eveytime but he/she would hate it.. Even close people to you can't understand you and you can't understand someone else with their problems.. People need to know that they are alone and that only you can fight your own demons.
     
  15. MatskiMonk

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    Bollocks.

    There are people out there who will listen, and will try to help even if they have no interest in an individual. It isn't everyone, and it won't always help, but even a stranger can make a difference.
     
  16. nostradavor2

    nostradavor2

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    Stranger can make a difference... But it can make a difference in sense that if u see pretty girl outside, she smiles at you.. Or if you have some random great talks while doing things like walking a dog or something.. If you aproach someone with your depression talo, all you can get is like support because they pity you... If that's something you like than we aren't on the same page.. Also the people who decide to volunteer in cases of depression or something like that are doing that to feel better about themselves or maybe someone from theor life experience had horrible problems with mental health..
     
  17. MatskiMonk

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    Sorry but this is rubbish, and it demonstrates a very close minded view towards what people feel about their own depression or that of others. I've sat, with my own blood on my hands, a razor still clenched in my fingers, several times... I know why I did it, and what it did for me... I don't pity those strangers facing the same situation, I often just wish they could see things from a different perspective. I've not 'volunteered' officially, but I have offered my perspective to strangers in an effort to help them, and I have been told by multiple people it made a difference. Feeling better about myself, sure, that does happen, but that's not why I did it. Any relatively compassionate person doesn't want to see people enduring personal anguish if they've been there themselves, especially if they feel they can help.

    If you suffer from depression, and this is your attitude, I think you are making life hard for yourself.
     
  18. nostradavor2

    nostradavor2

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    Oh that's the thing I forgot to mention, only other people with depression can actually listen to you every time.. But those people can't help because you are both in the same boat and can only depress each other more long term..

    I don't think I really suffer from depression but I suffered from many things in life which made me destructive and auto destructive ..

    People should look for positive people, be outside and do something creative.. Modern lifestyle is not natural for human beings
     
  19. MatskiMonk

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    Having just read your post in the relationship depression I can see this definitely being the case. It seems you embrace it though, and you want to push away anyone that could make a difference. If you can't let yourself trust someone, or trust their interest in your well-being, you will find it virtually impossible to get a true perspective on things - and with only your own... well, that will never end well, if you know you are self-destructive and still allow that to control your viewpoint on things. There is no heroism in self destruction.
     
  20. nostradavor2

    nostradavor2

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    I don't know mate.. I was in relationships with really nice and beautiful girls which fulfilled me mostly.. I have experience in that department and I don't want to get to much carried away to write more details because don't want people to judge me ho hasn't tried and seen that much...

    And firstly I don't think there is any heroism in self destruction .. Why would you think that I think so?

    Other thing is that I don't plan to spend time alone rest of my life, I just got to know women and you can have great relationship if you are careful and learn some things because some patterns of behavior are there with all girls in relationships/marriages ..

    I think you just got me wrong.. Also I really love women.. They are like in my top 3 favourite things in the world but lifw is not Disney movie
     
  21. W3HS

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    My mood has taken a nose dive over recent days. Meds don’t seem to be doing what they should.

    I’m sure I know the reason but can’t find a way of addressing it because it’s largely paranoia and delusion on my part.

    Roll on the weekend when I can fill myself full of booze and ignore reality.
     
  22. kikie

    kikie Premium

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    :idea:
     
  23. W3HS

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    I know, right?

    I always get on a downer after I’ve had a drink previously. I should know better.

    Perhaps I’ll stay sober tonight...
     
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  24. kikie

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    You should. You deserve a better life (is meant as a positive comment).
     
  25. W3HS

    W3HS Premium

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    I managed to only buy 5 pints for this evening.
     
  26. HenrySwanson

    HenrySwanson

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    For one evening's drinking?

    That is worrying especially for a female. Can you explain more about the reason or are not comfortable doing so?
     
  27. W3HS

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    Yeah, that’s a pretty light night to be honest. I ended up getting 3 more later in the evening so it was 8 total. I’m not a regular drinker these days after spending the last year trying to get sober but I do binge drink.

    The reason is that I’m an alcoholic who loves the escape from reality. Simple as that really.

    Also, I haven’t been a female since axletramp put me on a beer bottle.
     
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  28. HenrySwanson

    HenrySwanson

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    Sorry clicked on your name and saw "Female" on the description

    Have the meds suddenly stopped working or have you noticed it for a while now?
     
  29. W3HS

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    :lol: I've been waiting about 5 years for that subtle bit of trolling to pay off.

    I wouldn't say they stop working exactly, but in conjunction with alcohol they temporarily decrease in effectiveness. When they aren't doing their job I loss motivation, productivity takes a huge hit and I'm plagued by invasive thoughts akin to paranoia.
    When I'm sober and the meds are working I can only compare it to a mix of NTZ-48, Soma and intervals of Prozium (one for all the sci-fi fans out there). The catch is that I have been in a rather unsuccessful battle against alcohol abuse for the last 15 or so years.
     
  30. kikie

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    I want to go to Austria. I have tried to go to Austria this entire winter but something is holding me back ( = probably anxiety).
    Strange that my brain doesn't want me to go on vacation. :guilty: