Depression and Anxiety Thread
- Thread starter JohnBM01
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- A field in England
Only just learned about the phq score about a month ago. From one week to the next it had varied. Somewhere between 10 and... maybe 17 or 18? The last couple of days have been a pit for me. I got 21 tonight. Life just feels empty. Meaningless. Like in 24 years, I've achieved nothing I consider to be meaningful or worthwhile. I earn enough to get by, doing a job that I should love (I'm my own boss and I detail cars), but after 2 years, it's just routine. It's there, like everything else. I own 3 cars, one of which you could say is a semi-dream car. But all I've learned in 6 years of driving is that cars can't replace people.
My friends are gone. They moved away, they're at university or they're settled, they have their own lives, they have partners. And I'm still at home, living with my parents. Loneliness takes over. Every day thoughts go through my head. "Would anyone outside Mum and Dad even notice if you died tomorrow? Who would care? Nobody relies on you for anything. You are worth nothing to anyone."
Worth. That's a common theme for me - all I ever see is happy people, friends or couples, thankful for support of their friends or loved ones (on facebook for example). I've offered a shoulder to so many, tried to be a friend, and none have taken the offer, much less offered anything in return. Nobody needs me for anything. They say you have to love yourself before anyone else can, but that's the crux of it, isn't it? How can I feel like I'm of value, when nobody else does? Everyone wants to be wanted or needed.
"It's all in your head."
That's the worst part. Nobody feels what's in my head. I deal with it alone. It's like I get this churning, numb, almost poisonous feeling in my stomach, fingers and toes. Like death is clawing at my extremities and trying to overcome me.
Loneliness keeps taking over. Making new friends is hard. My job has me meeting new people several days a week, but work is still work, I'm doing a job. I'm not the kind of person who's going to make friends in a bar or a nightclub - I don't even drink because I always have to drive the next day. I'm on several dating sites, too. I daren't count how many women I've messaged to end up with no reply. It's soul-crushing. I'm not even worth a text message.
I don't know. It's like I'm just giving up on living. I go to bed at night, I sleep for 8 hours, wake up and feel like I haven't slept. I get up, force down breakfast because the numbness in my stomach is telling me to stop eating completely. I go to work, clean a car or two, come home, stuff my face with junkfood (the churning goes briefly to be replaced by comfort eating), go to the next job, come home, eat a nice home-cooked meal that my mother has prepared, and then I sit there. In my room. And wait to go to bed again. I have an easy life. No money trouble, my parents' house is nice, spotlessly clean, and in the countryside. I don't even have anything to be unhappy about.
Christ, that was a long text-wedge...
My friends are gone. They moved away, they're at university or they're settled, they have their own lives, they have partners. And I'm still at home, living with my parents. Loneliness takes over. Every day thoughts go through my head. "Would anyone outside Mum and Dad even notice if you died tomorrow? Who would care? Nobody relies on you for anything. You are worth nothing to anyone."
Worth. That's a common theme for me - all I ever see is happy people, friends or couples, thankful for support of their friends or loved ones (on facebook for example). I've offered a shoulder to so many, tried to be a friend, and none have taken the offer, much less offered anything in return. Nobody needs me for anything. They say you have to love yourself before anyone else can, but that's the crux of it, isn't it? How can I feel like I'm of value, when nobody else does? Everyone wants to be wanted or needed.
"It's all in your head."
That's the worst part. Nobody feels what's in my head. I deal with it alone. It's like I get this churning, numb, almost poisonous feeling in my stomach, fingers and toes. Like death is clawing at my extremities and trying to overcome me.
Loneliness keeps taking over. Making new friends is hard. My job has me meeting new people several days a week, but work is still work, I'm doing a job. I'm not the kind of person who's going to make friends in a bar or a nightclub - I don't even drink because I always have to drive the next day. I'm on several dating sites, too. I daren't count how many women I've messaged to end up with no reply. It's soul-crushing. I'm not even worth a text message.
I don't know. It's like I'm just giving up on living. I go to bed at night, I sleep for 8 hours, wake up and feel like I haven't slept. I get up, force down breakfast because the numbness in my stomach is telling me to stop eating completely. I go to work, clean a car or two, come home, stuff my face with junkfood (the churning goes briefly to be replaced by comfort eating), go to the next job, come home, eat a nice home-cooked meal that my mother has prepared, and then I sit there. In my room. And wait to go to bed again. I have an easy life. No money trouble, my parents' house is nice, spotlessly clean, and in the countryside. I don't even have anything to be unhappy about.
Christ, that was a long text-wedge...
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Hollow
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- TurboToastt
So around a month ago I was informed I officially have Multiple Sclerosis, and my doctor has suggested me to look into the scary "treatment" options I have. Even though I was aware that I might have MS in the future after last year's incident, I'm finding it extremely tough to stomach my final diagnosis. Part of me wants to just move on and calm down, but it's harder than I thought. The feeling of "my life is over before it began" is eating up my mind. Most people my age are doing normal things like getting married, travelling, having kids, continuing their education etc, and I can't help but feel left out all of a sudden, I can't relate.
Terrible bouts of insomnia and depression have kicked in and I'm not really sure how to cope.
Terrible bouts of insomnia and depression have kicked in and I'm not really sure how to cope.
- 1,852
- A field in England
Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I feel the same way about being left out, mostly in the same boat, only difference is I don't have a legitimate medical condition to excuse my situation. If you want to chat about things, feel free.
I downloaded last night and will see how it goes. Thanks for the recommendation, Henry.
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I've spent the last 20 years trying drink my life away, I drink enough to deserve to be dead already twice over. Today I find out that my best friend, whose overcome testicular cancer to become a father recently, now has about 6 months to live because of a brain tumor.
That ain't fair.
That ain't fair.
- 29,581
- Thailand
That ain’t fair at all. I’ve always found these circumstance hard to deal with; regular, apparently healthy people falling down on their health despite leading a relatively vice free life.
People like ourselves who seem intent on self destruction somehow manage to remain mostly in one piece.
It’s very unfair.
- 5,428
- Vic, Australia
- gundalini
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I owe @HenrySwanson a thank you. I downloaded Wisdo. I've been feeling better, finding people who I can relate to. I can't recommend it enough.
It's simple, the problems are laid out, you pick one, and talk to people going through similar. Came across one person and we've been chatting non-stop for days.
I think I might have finally found some sort of path to happiness.
It's simple, the problems are laid out, you pick one, and talk to people going through similar. Came across one person and we've been chatting non-stop for days.
I think I might have finally found some sort of path to happiness.
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MedigoFlame
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Things feel like they are back on the decline. Losing motivation to do basic things. Can't sleep, barely eating, and not really wanting to talk to people anymore. My brother isn't doing well and is going to need surgery and I managed to piss off a good friend of mine, who has stopped speaking to me for several days now. I feel anger towards almost everything around me, but I feel even more spiteful towards myself. It's like anything I do or say upsets someone I care about because of something stupid I do/say. And when something goes wrong for someone I care about, I keep asking myself why it couldn't be me instead. Watching family members have increasing health issues and close friends pushed away because of a stupid mistake I made really makes me feel like a problem...
I feel like I should seek professional help, but all I keep doing is telling myself that I don't have time or money to do so. Becoming more and more frustrated with myself and thinking I keep causing issues that never should have existed in the first place. There was a time where I felt like things were coming back together after getting laid off from my previous job and finding a new one that was considerably better. Now it feels like it's back to falling apart. I keep being told it's just a lesson in life, but it only seems to get worse with new problems.
I feel like posting here is a little better than my own social media, as all it does is push away people if I express myself.... Probably rambling, but I don't know who to talk to or where to express how I'm feeling anymore. I wonder if I'm just being an overdramatic idiot most of the time..
I feel like I should seek professional help, but all I keep doing is telling myself that I don't have time or money to do so. Becoming more and more frustrated with myself and thinking I keep causing issues that never should have existed in the first place. There was a time where I felt like things were coming back together after getting laid off from my previous job and finding a new one that was considerably better. Now it feels like it's back to falling apart. I keep being told it's just a lesson in life, but it only seems to get worse with new problems.
I feel like posting here is a little better than my own social media, as all it does is push away people if I express myself.... Probably rambling, but I don't know who to talk to or where to express how I'm feeling anymore. I wonder if I'm just being an overdramatic idiot most of the time..
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- GTP_TheCracker
This is no doubt the shock talking. You will probably find that those 'normal things' you mention that others your age are doing aren't the closed door that you may perceive them to be right now. Like others have stated. MS is much more treatable now, especially when caught early.
It's easy to look around and say 'why me?' but so many people live with debilitating ailments that you'd probably never notice them amongst the general population. I'm now in my forties and i would hazard a guess that more than half the people i know in my rough age group have some form of aliment that affects their lives, to one extent or another, on a daily basis. And those that don't live with or are effected by someone who does. You'll get to a point in your life, and i can assure you it will come around quite quickly! where you turn around and realise that virtually every other person you know is contending with a illness or condition of some sort. People just get on and deal with it and mould their lives around it so it causes the least amount of disruption - which is why you probably don't notice it in others. You'll learn to do the same.
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Not long now.
What are you saying?
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- the_greeze
So, I've gotta decent job, gotta wife and kid, things could be worse I guess, so why do I feel so low? Is it cos I'm 50? I dunno, just feel so dissatisfied with life. Had a good friend of mine commit suicide back in April and I think about him everyday. We kind of lost touch and next thing I know, I'm attending his funeral. I mean, WTF?
Sad times...
Sad times...
- 13,729
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- Neomone
Purpose can be a reason to keep fighting depression, but it doesn't make it go away, unfortunately.
Sometimes there's an obvious reason, but sometimes I think it can just be like catching a cold. Maybe you walked in the rain for a bit, or hugged a snotty child or did nothing at all, and suddenly your body is fighting off an infection. Mental illness isn't necessarily an infection or virus, but nor is it necessarily something that you've done to yourself or that could even have been avoided.
If there are physiological causes, GPs and psychiatrists can help with drugs that may treat or at least minimise the unpleasantness of the day to day. Psychologists can talk with you if there are life problems that your head is stuck on, and help walk you through how to best be kind to yourself in your new, unwell state.
Don't beat yourself up with things like "my life is pretty good, why do I feel bad?" Your life situation has nothing to do with it. People of all sorts from the wealthiest and happiest successes to the homeless guys living under the bridge are all susceptible. It sucks that you're going through this and I'm sorry to hear it, but it's absolutely not your fault.
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I've been through what I thought was an existential crisis which turned out to be a twisted bout of depression.
I think due to the nature of the thing, one could have the highest purpose of all mankind and still end up under a cloud. While an amount of depression can be put down to environmental factors, there's just as much that is caused by the imbalance of chemicals.
In relation to that last sentence, I can honestly say I'm feeling pretty well currently having almost completely cut junk and processed foods from my diet, kept sober for 3 weeks (hardest challenge of all) and regularly taken my meds and vitamin supplements. The manic depression is chronic, I've no doubt about that, but while working on keeping healthy I seem to deal with it much better.
No news about @MatskiMonk?
