but I don't see why suicide would be the next step from feeling numb
There’s no step from one to the other for me, suicidal thoughts have been an issue for me even when I’ve been in a “well” state of mind.
I don't understand why that leads you to thoughts of suicide?
Neither do I, but I know that alcohol withdrawal plays a major role in leading me down that mental path, but I don’t have the energy to go into that problem in itself because I feel like a broken record. And I’m sure you are aware of how rough withdrawal is.
What really crosses my mind more that anything is that it only takes one thought to prevail for long enough to go through with it and then it’s done. No comebacks, no second chances, just that mood takes over and if I can’t talk myself down, as I’ve been able to do so far, it’s game over.
For years I’ve idolised rock stars who’s music I’ve enjoyed and it got me on this chain of thought. Chris Cornell, for example, was doing ok, battling depression, yeah, but working, being a family man and all that. Then one day that desire to end it became so over powering he goes and tops himself and then that’s it. That one moment of weakness when the will to live ebbs away and the only option is death. A frequent, fleeting compulsion throughout life for some of us that always manage to shake it off... except it only takes one time...
Also, if you are sitting around considering ways to make dumb things you should stop sitting around and do something, move your butt for once.
I’m far from inactive. My work keeps me busy and I get (relative) satisfaction from it, home life is kinda dull but no worse than your average Joe, I exercise daily, maintain hobbies and travel at weekends. The only real illness I have is alcoholism (other than manic depression) which leads me to conclude that I’m not afflicted with life problems like some folk; unmanageable debt, abusive relationships, dead end job, etc. I got things pretty sweet other than the fact that I have a taste for poison and and brain chemistry is out of whack.
I must say, I feel pretty good today (manic almost), despite getting a pretty crap review at work yesterday and being burnt out from overworking myself, but tomorrow could be entirely different and I could lean towards a bottle of sleeping pills and a hip of the hard stuff.