Honesty Corner: Are You Prejudiced?

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Yeah. I admit I have potentially glaring confidence issues that I shoukd tackle first, and sometimes I feel like I end up internalizing garbage viewpoints in my desperate confusion. But the idea of me of being “smart” or “kind” isn’t just me - it’s what everyone around me tells me. My parents, my siblings, my relatives, and peers. Not to mention I have autism so I have this complex about wanting to seem “normal” and not pitied.

I just feel like that I’ve been shown this image through the media that falling in love is easy, and part of everyone’s life, and only losers don’t have a gf/partner (or even multiple) by my age. Especially with “hook-up culture” by way of various dating apps.

I do sincerely apologize for what this was: an irrational outburst. But I’m really scared of being seen as “weird” or “not normal.” And I think that if people around me knew that I never had a relationship when I’m pushing 30, they’d judge me, or pity me. I also should stop reading trash on the internet for advice, or at least something that’s ostensibly it. I do see my therapist this Tuesday, so I’ll talk to him about it.
 
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Danoff

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Yeah. I admit I have potentially glaring confidence issues that I shoukd tackle first
That's not exactly where I'd focus first.

I also should stop reading trash on the internet for advice, or at least something that’s ostensibly it. I do see my therapist this Tuesday, so I’ll talk to him about it.
It's all just people. People with very different things to say, some of which is total nonsense.

I think there are two very basic points that you need to deeply internalize before you'll be able to move forward:
  • No one is owed sex or companionship.
  • Women are not a unit. They don't act or think as a group. They're individuals.

Those two would be a great start.

To put a finer point on this, I'll tell you more about my friend who went to the Bunny Ranch. He was paying for "the girlfriend experience", for an entire weekend. Not just a casual encounter, but for a girlfriend, and of course not just any girlfriend, but one who would remove all of the work on the relationship for the weekend. The person he hired is one of the most expensive publicly known people who provides this service. I've read at least one article about her. His first quote was for $33,000 for the weekend. Again this is a service that one person is providing, and I don't think it was anything particularly weird in the bedroom department. Through some negotiations of what was offered, and for exactly how long, he got it down to something like $26k, and then had a great weekend.

The reason I'm telling you the price is because I want you to really consider how much this is worth. This thing, that you seem to think the world owes you, is extremely valuable. You should recognize and respect how important it is to you. I'm sure that you are already aware that it makes a big difference in your quality of life, but you haven't seemed to cross the bridge to realizing that there's no mistake here. You're not being denied something you're due, or denied something that you've earned. You need to be someone who is worth that to someone else and respectful of what they're worth to you. Interpret "worth" there as broadly as you can.

Writing stuff like this just reminds me to make sure that I work harder at being a good person to my wife and kids.
 

PeterJB

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To put a finer point on this, I'll tell you more about my friend who went to the Bunny Ranch. He was paying for "the girlfriend experience", for an entire weekend. Not just a casual encounter, but for a girlfriend, and of course not just any girlfriend, but one who would remove all of the work on the relationship for the weekend. The person he hired is one of the most expensive publicly known people who provides this service. I've read at least one article about her. His first quote was for $33,000 for the weekend. Again this is a service that one person is providing, and I don't think it was anything particularly weird in the bedroom department. Through some negotiations of what was offered, and for exactly how long, he got it down to something like $26k, and then had a great weekend.
That is madness. It's nothing but total extortion. Sex really does sell after all.
 

Danoff

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That is madness. It's nothing but total extortion. Sex really does sell after all.
I think more than half of what was paid was for companionship rather than sex. An hour or two of sex would have cost a fraction of that.

I also don't think it's extortion. The world does not owe my friend companionship or sex. But it is something that he wanted for himself so badly that it was worth quite a lot - and he hired one of the most sought after people to provide it. In the article I read about her, she nets over $1M per year. I'm sure with that information you can find who I'm talking about.
 
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I just get really exasperated when I look at what everyone around me has been saying about me, whether it's my career potential or my potential to be a good bf, and reality doesn't match what people are saying. I still live with my folks, for one thing, since I can't afford to move out into my own place, but I'm working on getting a better job/career, maybe even going to grad school.

But when I see other men getting tons of matches on dating apps while I had no dates over the course of an entire year, across multiple apps, it grinds on me, and sometimes I pick up garbage ideas and lash out. I really do think a lot of my issues stem from a lack of confidence, and I (perhaps wrongly) believe getting a gf would make me more confident, whereas the way it seems to work is in the opposite order - get confidence first, and you'll be more attractive.

I just want to be a winner.
 
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Ew.

You know this isn't a game right? There is no winning.
Maybe that's a large part of my problem. I know I have a major issue with comparing myself to others - especially in ways that involve me being envious.
 
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14,380
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I could write essays on the stuff that's been posted regarding your situation, but I think as a TL;DR.. I can't sum it up better than John Candy in Cool Runnings. "If you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it". Envy is, to me, the most repugnant human emotion. I've been where you are, envy was the ultimate reason why I took a razorblade to myself 6 separate times... it makes you the worst you. If you think you need confidence, then what you need is to be the best you. Being yourself works, but you've got to be your best you, that's where your confidence will come from.

Ew.

You know this isn't a game right? There is no winning.
If you have a goal and you achieve it, any reasonable person will understand why a person would call that winning.. stop being so ******* pedantic, sometimes it's counter productive.
 

Danoff

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If you have a goal and you achieve it, any reasonable person will understand why a person would call that winning.. stop being so ******* pedantic, sometimes it's counter productive.
It's not being pedantic. "Winning" is a terrible metaphor here. It directly puts people in competition with others, and invites comparisons - exactly the psychological state I'm encouraging him to leave.

You missed the point.
 

Famine

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"Winning" is a terrible metaphor here. It directly puts people in competition with others, and invites comparisons - exactly the psychological state I'm encouraging him to leave.
And reduces women again from people to mere prizes.
 
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It's not being pedantic. "Winning" is a terrible metaphor here
It's a reasonable expression.
It directly puts people in competition with others, and invites comparisons
That, is life...
You missed the point.
Generally I've a lot of respect for what you post, and those posts often help form my perspective on certain discussions... but I think you're off base on this one. It's an off-hand choice of words that is reasonably used in a wide variety of contexts.
And reduces women again from people to mere prizes.

I think that's a very fair inference from what he's posted.
I'm not about to die on a @MIE1992's hill, but the eagerness with which people are keen to fire off a virtue flare is counter productive. I've a less than solid recollection of your respective situations, but I have it in mind you both have partners, kids or dependents, a home you own (or are on the way to owning), and a job that you don't hate... I apologise if this is an incorrect summisation in either case, and I'm certainly not suggesting life is simply idyllic in either case, but if I'm right, I'm going to have to unleash a "how ****ing dare you". Some people get to take the lower tiers of Mazlow's triangle somewhat foregranted in modern western society, some people don't... it's in no way, shape, or form wrong to consider something better than what you have, where you are, or what you do as "winning". You're both reacting to a reasonable statement made by someone who'd previously said some stupid stuff when he'd had a few drinks, and acknowledged it was stupid lashing out.

It's my perception that the intolerance shown here, during what is effectively a discussion around mental health is ****ing poor - that's why I'm taking issue with this conversation.
 

Danoff

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It's a reasonable expression.
It's a symptom of a deeper problem.
That, is life...
Not generally no.

I'm not about to die on a @MIE1992's hill, but the eagerness with which people are keen to fire off a virtue flare is counter productive.
Eagerness? I held back long after the sexist remarks started, but eventually they got really terrible.

I've a less than solid recollection of your respective situations, but I have it in mind you both have partners, kids or dependents, a home you own (or are on the way to owning), and a job that you don't hate... I apologise if this is an incorrect summisation in either case, and I'm certainly not suggesting life is simply idyllic in either case, but if I'm right, I'm going to have to unleash a "how ****ing dare you".
How dare I? What? Tell someone that life is not about winning or losing, or that single moms are not someone's leftovers? Exactly what is there about these statements to be indignant about?

Edit:

That's also quite the virtue flair you just liberally fired off.
Some people get to take the lower tiers of Mazlow's triangle somewhat foregranted in modern western society, some people don't... it's in no way, shape, or form wrong to consider something better than what you have, where you are, or what you do as "winning".
You don't "win" women. And you don't win or lose at life, you just live it. If I have more money than someone else, did I "win"? No. If I have a family, did I "win"? No. First of all, my possessions, and my family (which I feel the need to point out in light of recent statements in this thread are very different things), are not prizes won, and they're don't put me ahead of or behind someone else.

We all live different lives. With different bodies, different parents, different friends, different environments, and absolutely countless different external factors. There is really no sense in comparing. It's the not the destination, it's the journey.

It's my perception that the intolerance shown here, during what is effectively a discussion around mental health is ****ing poor - that's why I'm taking issue with this conversation.
I'm not particularly tolerant of gross sexist remarks. It's true. And it's also true that the discussion is naturally going to be around mental health when someone is making degrading remarks about women - because it is indicative of poor mental health. But I'm not about to start being tolerant of dehumanizing statements, and I don't think anyone else should be particularly tolerant of them either.

I didn't write him off, I didn't put him on ignore, I didn't refuse to engage. But I called balls and strikes.
 
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12,875
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...it's in no way, shape, or form wrong to consider something better than what you have, where you are, or what you do as "winning".
It's wrong when what you're "winning" is another person.

It's my perception that the intolerance shown here, during what is effectively a discussion around mental health is ****ing poor - that's why I'm taking issue with this conversation.
Right, but poor mental health is not aided by reinforcing an incorrect perception of the world. For example, the neurotypical ideas that @MIE1992 has been fed around relationships and how to pursue them are just straight up wrong for him. Pick-up artistry and hook-up culture is dubious as relationship advice even for neurotypicals with strong social skills, expecting someone with autism to flourish in that situation is setting them up to fail. Not only are they really unlikely to succeed, the expectation that they somehow should succeed in that situation and that it's their fault for failing is incredibly damaging.

And this is a big part of the problem, he's failing because he's been provided with entirely the wrong goals, entirely the wrong tools to reach those goals, and entirely wrong expectations of what he should be achieving. Autism isn't an excuse, but it is a disability and a pretty strong one in this particular area of our culture where it's all about social skills, the one thing where more or less by definition autistic people struggle.

Personally, I'd absolutely pick up on the "winning" comment, because it's a strong indicator that the fundamental perceptions of what's trying to be achieved here are wrong. It's not a throw-away or a turn of phrase, that's an indicator that someone sees a relationship as a competitive endeavour or a zero sum game. That's counter-productive to a mindset that's going to be attractive to most other human females.

Realistically, what works for a neurotypical man with strong social skills is not going to work for @MIE1992. That's fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and he is not a failure or a loser or weird because of that. The common metaphor is that neurodivergent people are fish who get told that their lack of climbing skills make them weird/inferior/unlovable by the pack of monkeys that is most neurotypicals. The solution is not to try harder to get good at something that you're simply not equipped for, the solution is to tell the monkeys to go **** themselves and use your awesome fish skills to go find another fish that you can be happy with doing fish things.

The incidence of autism, ADHD and other similar neurodivergencies is low but not impossibly so, ~5% of population is probably a reasonable guess depending on how underdiagnosed you think this stuff is in your particular country. That's a lot of women out there who are also looking for a relationship, probably on similar terms to @MIE1992. They probably have similar experiences, they're probably easier to understand and connect with, and they're also probably the sort of people who are also struggling to find a stable relationship. Not struggling because they're inferior, struggling because they also have real trouble finding someone who they can connect with in a way that feels compatible.

It's not necessary for someone who is neurodivergent to only date people who are also neurodivergent, but I'd strongly suggest that getting to know some more neurodivergent people would be valuable. Get dating advice from autistic or neurodivergent people, not neurotypical pick-up artists. Watch some Youtube videos, read some blogs, absorb advice from people who are similar to you from whatever media you feel most comfortable with. Tiktok is honestly pretty good for this, there's a whole niche subgenre of neurodivergent content creators sharing very personal takes on their own struggles and it can be really helpful just to see that there are other people out there that find things hard in the same way you do.

There's nothing wrong with being the way you are, but sometimes after a lifetime of people telling you otherwise it can take a lot in order to really drive that message home in a way that makes you believe it deep in your heart.

You have to recognise your strengths and weaknesses and play to them. @MIE1992 is only failing because he's been told that he has to do this the hardest way possible for him, and that's just ****ing dumb. I'm sure the people who gave that advice meant well, but they did him no favours. Reinforcing those wrong messages by saying that it's okay to think of a relationship as something that you win helps no one.

==========

@MIE1992, you're doing better than most people in that you're trying pretty hard. You've tried some things, they've not worked, you're looking for advice. All of that is good. But you don't get a real relationship by pretending to be someone you not. Masking is a thing that you need to do sometimes just to get by in a culture that isn't designed for you, but it's profoundly damaging if you have to keep it up even in your most intimate moments. You need someone that you can feel safe with.

Some people will see you as weird or not normal. They're wrong. They have the idea that a human can only be this one thing, without any knowledge of all the other great and interesting ways that people can be, ways like you are. Don't listen to them or the little part of the your brain that says the same things. Be yourself, and find someone who will like you for yourself. They exist, and there's plenty of them, but maybe not in the places where you've been looking.

It is still difficult and will require skills that you may not naturally be good at, but it can be done. Don't be afraid to make it easier for yourself, you don't have to do everything the hard way.
 

VBR

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I recently changed my account name on here to see if it would draw out any predjudice, and the results were "interesting" to say the least!

:lol:
 

Famine

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I have it in mind you both have partners
Yeah, mine's a "leftover" woman who needed fixing, apparently. Guess I deserve less and am not worth as much...


There is probably a seriously positive correlation between neurodivergency and incel beliefs. That doesn't excuse it, and it doesn't mean it shouldn't be called out when seen - quite the opposite. If this **** is allowed to take hold and fester it only ends one of about three ways, all of which involve violence against women.

Women are human beings. It is, at best, disgusting to classify them only in terms of their perceived sexual characteristics and what their vaginas have to offer you (I often wonder what people who do so would think if they happened to find a woman willing to put up with this abuse and have a daughter with them; there's not very many pleasant answers, and "realise they were wrong the whole time" is a distant best case), from the "pure" virginal schoolgirls to the breeding "sow", and the "leftover" women.

It's a rapist's mindset (though not everyone who thinks like this is a rapist, and not everyone who is a rapist thinks like this), that a female is nothing more that what surrounds a vagina (I'd say "woman", but it's not exactly limited to adults) and they owe you sex, and it's long past time it was eradicated.

They're not cattle, separated into fields of heifers and dams, waiting to be serviced or minding their calves, and it's insanely abhorrent that we're 60 years after the sexual revolution and have people born to people born during that era still thinking like that. They're not prizes to be won like the king's daughter at a medieval tournament. They're people, and anyone willing to treat them as less than that because they have a vagina is also willing to treat other people as less than human if circumstances allow - black people, Jews, homosexuals, the disabled, people who vote the wrong way...


Women deserve the same basic minimum standards of respect and agency as other humans because they are humans. You don't get to ignore this because you have an autistic spectrum disorder, and it needs to be called out as unacceptable.
 
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I recently changed my account name on here to see if it would draw out any predjudice, and the results were "interesting" to say the least!

:lol:
It's not prejudice to take what people say they are at face value. That's observation.

If someone calls themselves "GTP Red Pill", it's not really prejudice to assume that they subscribe to the ideology surrounding "red pills" on the internet. That's rational thought, based on observation of evidence coming directly from the poster.
 
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It's wrong when what you're "winning" is another person.
MIE didn't say he wanted to win a person, he just said he wants to be a winner. Is it that hard to consider that statement in terms of simply meaning that he want's to be successful in a scenario? Like, when you suck at something you 'fail' at it... when you're good at something you 'win' it? I don't think it is, personally. For some people, winning is just doing better than you are, or even just not sucking at something... it doesn't have to be (literally) about 'taking home' the 'prize'.

Right, but poor mental health is not aided by reinforcing an incorrect perception of the world.
The incorrect perception of the world is the result of a mind trying to rationalise a situation that it's struggling with. When you're dealing with this for most of your life up until and through your 30's, it almost becomes irrelevant what came first - the poor mental health or the incorrect perception of the world - it's a vicious circle. I'm massively sensitive to this issue, granted, but the way to correct an incorrect perception of the world isn't to attack where a person has ended up, it's to help them understand why they shouldn't have got there... and that's not what I'm seeing in this (now severely derailed) thread, I'm just seeing the attacks.

For the rest of your post, your understanding of the autism issue is well above mine, so I think it's good you took the time to say what you did.

For my part, I wanna slap MIE for getting so hung up on something that, if he's lucky, one day he'll realise didn't matter, and I know what it's like to look back and see how much of your life you wasted because of this *** - and I'm ***ed off with the lack of understanding about how people arrive in this situation - if just the usage of the term "winner" is being demonised then no useful conversation about actual serious stuff can be had that would help someone.

Yeah, mine's a "leftover" woman who needed fixing, apparently. Guess I deserve less and am not worth as much...

I'm not arguing the pro's or con's of those comments, I'm suggesting that reacting only to this stuff overlooks what caused him to post them in he first place
Women are human beings
They're not cattle

Believe me I know this... and I'm not arguing to defend those comments.

It's a symptom of a deeper problem.
There's a deeper problem for sure. The "winner" comment isn't the one to attack to address the problem.

Not generally no.

Perhaps I need to investigate moving to Colorado. No competition, no comparisons.. sounds nice, sounds like it would be good for my crippling anxiety and terrible self esteem.

Eagerness?

That's how it looks to me. That's why I referred to previous comments as a "pile on" earlier. It's an easy 'win' to criticise someone when they say something stupid... on this occasion it's a pile on I want to push back against.. hence...

That's also quite the virtue flair you just liberally fired off.

... I'll concede this --- I happen to think the underlying issue here is important, as I'm sure do you --- I suspect you and I see the underlying issue as different things though.

You don't "win" women. And you don't win or lose at life, you just live it. If I have more money than someone else, did I "win"? No. If I have a family, did I "win"? No. First of all, my possessions, and my family (which I feel the need to point out in light of recent statements in this thread are very different things), are not prizes won, and they're don't put me ahead of or behind someone else.

This is perhaps a deeper question for a different thread, or, maybe we're just disagreeing on the triviality of language... but I deeply, deeply disagree with this statement.

It's the not the destination, it's the journey.

It's not the suicide or self harm, it's the miserable, desperate existence you endure before it.


.. great..
 
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UKMikey

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It's not prejudice to take what people say they are at face value. That's observation.

If someone calls themselves "GTP Red Pill", it's not really prejudice to assume that they subscribe to the ideology surrounding "red pills" on the internet. That's rational thought, based on observation of evidence coming directly from the poster.
Postjudice.

I may be prejudiced against people who spell prejudice "predjudice" though.
 
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Danoff

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MIE didn't say he wanted to win a person, he just said he wants to be a winner. Is it that hard to consider that statement in terms of simply meaning that he want's to be successful in a scenario? Like, when you suck at something you 'fail' at it... when you're good at something you 'win' it? I don't think it is, personally. For some people, winning is just doing better than you are, or even just not sucking at something... it doesn't have to be (literally) about 'taking home' the 'prize'.


The incorrect perception of the world is the result of a mind trying to rationalise a situation that it's struggling with. When you're dealing with this for most of your life up until and through your 30's, it almost becomes irrelevant what came first - the poor mental health or the incorrect perception of the world - it's a vicious circle. I'm massively sensitive to this issue, granted, but the way to correct an incorrect perception of the world isn't to attack where a person has ended up, it's to help them understand why they shouldn't have got there... and that's not what I'm seeing in this (now severely derailed) thread, I'm just seeing the attacks.

For the rest of your post, your understanding of the autism issue is well above mine, so I think it's good you took the time to say what you did.

For my part, I wanna slap MIE for getting so hung up on something that, if he's lucky, one day he'll realise didn't matter, and I know what it's like to look back and see how much of your life you wasted because of this *** - and I'm ***ed off with the lack of understanding about how people arrive in this situation - if just the usage of the term "winner" is being demonised then no useful conversation about actual serious stuff can be had that would help someone.



I'm not arguing the pro's or con's of those comments, I'm suggesting that reacting only to this stuff overlooks what caused him to post them in he first place



Believe me I know this... and I'm not arguing to defend those comments.


There's a deeper problem for sure. The "winner" comment isn't the one to attack to address the problem.



Perhaps I need to investigate moving to Colorado. No competition, no comparisons.. sounds nice, sounds like it would be good for my crippling anxiety and terrible self esteem.



That's how it looks to me. That's why I referred to previous comments as a "pile on" earlier. It's an easy 'win' to criticise someone when they say something stupid... on this occasion it's a pile on I want to push back against.. hence...



... I'll concede this --- I happen to think the underlying issue here is important, as I'm sure do you --- I suspect you and I see the underlying issue as different things though.



This is perhaps a deeper question for a different thread, or, maybe we're just disagreeing on the triviality of language... but I deeply, deeply disagree with this statement.



It's not the suicide or self harm, it's the miserable, desperate existence you endure before it.


.. great..
Moved here.
 
12,875
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MIE didn't say he wanted to win a person, he just said he wants to be a winner. Is it that hard to consider that statement in terms of simply meaning that he want's to be successful in a scenario? Like, when you suck at something you 'fail' at it... when you're good at something you 'win' it? I don't think it is, personally. For some people, winning is just doing better than you are, or even just not sucking at something... it doesn't have to be (literally) about 'taking home' the 'prize'.
I get where you're coming from and I could perhaps agree with the perspective applied in a very broad sense, but the context of this particular conversation was relationships. That matters.

I think that viewing life in general as something to win or lose is not the most helpful mindset but I wouldn't generally bother even bringing it up. If someone isn't having issues or it's used in the general sense of "I win when I do good" and "I lose when I do bad" it's not really worth talking about. But in the context of relationships with other people and incel culture specifically, I think it's worth addressing. Depending on how it's used, it falls somewhere between self-sabotaging and outright toxic. And in particular the poster had already shown a tendency to blame others for his perceived "failure" in relationships, which I think is not only an incorrect place to assign blame, it's not a particularly helpful way of viewing the situation at all.

You're seeing it as an attack, but I tried to say why I think it's a potentially damaging way to think about relationships. This is a situation in which there is definitely at least two people involved, and while it's possible for someone to use that phrasing purely to self-evaluate, I think given the context of incel culture and the previous posts in the thread there's absolutely a real danger that it's used in the traditional competitive sense with women as a prize to be won. I don't think that's healthy, and I'm trying to be as constructive as I can about it while pointing out that it's the tip of potential massive iceberg of crippling resentment and behaviour that is absolutely not going to give the desired outcomes.

At best, this mindset requires being very clear about what counts as "winning", and "winning" can't really be getting a relationship because that's not fully under your control as @Danoff explained clearly in his response in the Responsibility thread . If someone wants to set personal goals for self-improvement and then count it as winning when those goals are met, then I personally don't find that to be the best way but if it works for them then sure. But that's really not what's going on here.

I don't want to demonise the term, but I do want to highlight it as an examplar of thought patterns that are almost certainly doing more harm than good. I'm well aware that if someone is neurodivergent or mentally unwell there's only so much energy that they have, and a lot of it gets spent simply getting through they day so there may not be enough for the level of self-reflection that it takes to address and reform these ways of thinking. And that's OK, it's enough to be aware that there's something there and that you'll get to it in it's own time when you're not necessarily struggling to hold down a job and keep yourself fed.

For my part, I wanna slap MIE for getting so hung up on something that, if he's lucky, one day he'll realise didn't matter, and I know what it's like to look back and see how much of your life you wasted because of this *** - and I'm ***ed off with the lack of understanding about how people arrive in this situation - if just the usage of the term "winner" is being demonised then no useful conversation about actual serious stuff can be had that would help someone.
You say that the conversation should be about actual serious stuff that would help someone. But your contribution is telling @MIE1992 that you'd like to hit him and remind him that how he feels doesn't matter and what he's doing is a waste of time. Explain to me how physical assault and dismissing his problems is more helpful than frank discussions of how mindset can affect how one engages with the world.

Because to me, your response is completely typical of the most unhelpful things I've been told when I've tried to seek help for mental health or problems with my life - people explain to me how what I'm feeling is wrong, how I should just get over it, how it's not really a big deal, and how what I'm doing is wrong but with no advice as to what I should be doing instead. And that misses the point entirely, that if I'm seeking help for is something then it is a problem for me even if it's not a problem for others. If someone tells me that my problems don't really matter then that doesn't change a thing, even if it's a pure in-the-moment completely irrational panic attack type thing telling me that I shouldn't be having a problem with something doesn't change the fact that I am.

Except that what @MIE1992 is talking about here is not even just a personal problem unique to him, it's absolutely a problem for pretty much every human. We all struggle with relationships and how to deal with other people to some extent, he's just having a far harder time of it than most and because of his particular life situation and experiences the common advice solutions probably aren't going to help him much. So he looks for help from others.

I don't think that you can say that it doesn't matter. It does matter and it should matter, finding love (both physical and emotional) and a good relationship are important things. Your first car might feel less important when you're 50 and you've been through ten different cars, but it doesn't diminish how important it was at the time. It should be important, there's nothing wrong with taking it seriously and time spent figuring this stuff out is never, ever going to be time wasted.

@MIE1992 has done the right thing by identifying that some of the ways that he thinks are maybe not that healthy or helpful, and by seeking advice from others. He doesn't deserve to be hit, or to be told that this stuff doesn't matter. It does, to him and to the vast majority of people. Nobody deserves a slap for asking for help, and if you think that's what counts as "serious stuff that would actually help someone" you might need to take a step back.