...it's in no way, shape, or form wrong to consider something better than what you have, where you are, or what you do as "winning".
It's wrong when what you're "winning" is another person.
It's my perception that the intolerance shown here, during what is effectively a discussion around mental health is ****ing poor - that's why I'm taking issue with this conversation.
Right, but poor mental health is not aided by reinforcing an incorrect perception of the world. For example, the neurotypical ideas that
@MIE1992 has been fed around relationships and how to pursue them are just straight up wrong for him. Pick-up artistry and hook-up culture is dubious as relationship advice even for neurotypicals with strong social skills, expecting someone with autism to flourish in that situation is setting them up to fail. Not only are they really unlikely to succeed, the expectation that they somehow should succeed in that situation and that it's their fault for failing is incredibly damaging.
And this is a big part of the problem, he's failing because he's been provided with entirely the wrong goals, entirely the wrong tools to reach those goals, and entirely wrong expectations of what he should be achieving. Autism isn't an excuse, but it is a disability and a pretty strong one in this particular area of our culture where it's all about social skills, the one thing where more or less by definition autistic people struggle.
Personally, I'd absolutely pick up on the "winning" comment, because it's a strong indicator that the fundamental perceptions of what's trying to be achieved here are wrong. It's not a throw-away or a turn of phrase, that's an indicator that someone sees a relationship as a competitive endeavour or a zero sum game. That's counter-productive to a mindset that's going to be attractive to most other human females.
Realistically, what works for a neurotypical man with strong social skills is not going to work for
@MIE1992. That's fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and he is not a failure or a loser or weird because of that. The common metaphor is that neurodivergent people are fish who get told that their lack of climbing skills make them weird/inferior/unlovable by the pack of monkeys that is most neurotypicals. The solution is not to try harder to get good at something that you're simply not equipped for, the solution is to tell the monkeys to go **** themselves and use your awesome fish skills to go find another fish that you can be happy with doing fish things.
The incidence of autism, ADHD and other similar neurodivergencies is low but not impossibly so, ~5% of population is probably a reasonable guess depending on how underdiagnosed you think this stuff is in your particular country. That's a lot of women out there who are also looking for a relationship, probably on similar terms to
@MIE1992. They probably have similar experiences, they're probably easier to understand and connect with, and they're also probably the sort of people who are also struggling to find a stable relationship. Not struggling because they're inferior, struggling because they also have real trouble finding someone who they can connect with in a way that feels compatible.
It's not necessary for someone who is neurodivergent to only date people who are also neurodivergent, but I'd strongly suggest that getting to know some more neurodivergent people would be valuable. Get dating advice from autistic or neurodivergent people, not neurotypical pick-up artists. Watch some Youtube videos, read some blogs, absorb advice from people who are similar to you from whatever media you feel most comfortable with. Tiktok is honestly pretty good for this, there's a whole niche subgenre of neurodivergent content creators sharing very personal takes on their own struggles and it can be really helpful just to see that there are other people out there that find things hard in the same way you do.
There's nothing wrong with being the way you are, but sometimes after a lifetime of people telling you otherwise it can take a lot in order to really drive that message home in a way that makes you believe it deep in your heart.
You have to recognise your strengths and weaknesses and play to them.
@MIE1992 is only failing because he's been told that he has to do this the hardest way possible for him, and that's just ****ing dumb. I'm sure the people who gave that advice meant well, but they did him no favours. Reinforcing those wrong messages by saying that it's okay to think of a relationship as something that you win helps no one.
==========
@MIE1992, you're doing better than most people in that you're trying pretty hard. You've tried some things, they've not worked, you're looking for advice. All of that is good. But you don't get a real relationship by pretending to be someone you not. Masking is a thing that you need to do sometimes just to get by in a culture that isn't designed for you, but it's profoundly damaging if you have to keep it up even in your most intimate moments. You need someone that you can feel safe with.
Some people will see you as weird or not normal. They're wrong. They have the idea that a human can only be this one thing, without any knowledge of all the other great and interesting ways that people can be, ways like you are. Don't listen to them or the little part of the your brain that says the same things. Be yourself, and find someone who will like you for yourself. They exist, and there's plenty of them, but maybe not in the places where you've been looking.
It is still difficult and will require skills that you may not naturally be good at, but it can be done. Don't be afraid to make it easier for yourself, you don't have to do everything the hard way.
