A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer breast, ya bloody penguins" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross".
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off ya censored little wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off".
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks "did that sound cross enough"?
Mary and Bob were childhood sweethearts. They married and had 3 children. They never swore, never smoked, never drank, always ate healthy food and went to church every single week. The kids have grown up. Mary and Bob are now retired.....
Mary: We should go on a really big holiday and treat ourselves.
Bob: How about a world cruise?
Mary: Excellent idea!
The cruise is booked and paid for. A most tragic accident on the way to the cruise ship leaves them both dead and they are now in the reception / waiting area in heaven. St Peter calls their names and they enter the interview room.
Peter: How dreadful for you both! Don't worry too much though, we have something very special for you!
St Peter starts a slide show on the office wall. It show a beautiful large house with a double garage, a swimming pool, adjacent golf course, ( Bob loves golf! ), stable block ( Mary likes horses! ) 2 top of the range Mercedes etc etc etc.
Bob: St Peter sir, this is lovely but we must decline, we cannot afford all of this!
Peter: Its OK Bob. This is heaven. You don't have to pay a penny. This is your reward for living such a good life.
At this point. Bob stands up and punches Mary so hard he knocks her out cold. St Peter is aghast and shocked - What the heck was that for, he asks...
Bob: You stupid cow! If it wasn't for you, your bran flakes and dried fruit, your damned abstinence from booze and fags we would have been here B****** years ago!!!