Fixing your pride and joy, haynes translation

Haynes Manual into English

Haynes: "This is a snug fit"
Translation: "Beat repeatedly with hammer"

Haynes: "Rotate anticlockwise"
Translation: "Clamp with molegrips, beat handle repeatedly with hammer"

Haynes: "Pry"
Translation: "Hammer screwdriver into"

Haynes: "Undo"
Translation: "Locate aged can of WD40. Hammer can to increase pressure.
Squirt everywhere"

Haynes: "Retain tiny spring"
Translation: "What the **** was that? It nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: "Apply moderate heat"
Translation: "Placing your mouth near it and huffing is not moderate heat"

Haynes: "Press and rotate to remove lamp"
Translation: "Smash glass. Dig out bayonet with pliers"

Haynes: "Carefully"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"

Haynes: "Lightly"
Translation: "Start off gently, build up pressure until veins are
standing proud of your forehead. Reread the manual because what you are
doing can in no way be described as 'lightly'"

Haynes: "Weekly checks"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, don't fix it"

Haynes: "Routine maintenance"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, it sure as hell is about to be"

Haynes: "Compress"
Translation: "Squeeze with all your might, club with wrench, jump upon,
back car over, throw at garage wall, then search for battered component in
darkest corner of garage while cussing repeatedly under breath"

Haynes: "Inspect"
Translation: "Squint really hard, pretending you know exactly what you are
looking at. Declare in a loud, knowing voice, "Just as I thought. It's
going to need a new one"

Haynes: "Retaining nut"
Translation: "The hexagonal metal block you just shaved irreparably with
an imperial size spanner"

Haynes: "Using a suitable drift"
Translation: "A paving slab will suffice"

Haynes: "Get an assistant"
Translation: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know"

Haynes: "Turning the engine will be much easier with the plugs removed"
Translation: "Turning the engine will be much harder, and will probably be
accompanied by some distressing noises you've never heard before. Once
that panicky, clenched feeling in your stomach has subsided, continue as
if everything is fine"

Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
Translation: "Discard leftover screws and washers"

Haynes: "Prise away plastic locating pegs"
Translation: "Bend back and forth repeatedly until it snaps"

Haynes: "Everyday toolkit"
Translation: "Ensure you have your RAC membership card handy and have
charged your mobile phone"

Dead on, brother!

Have you ever noticed that your Haynes manual is just wrong sometimes?

I have no idea what you're talking about, but this is histaricle!

~LoudMusic

Haynes automotive service manuals. They can be useful, but you must be able to think for yourself when using one; they are never (that I have seen) 100% accurate. Not to mention they're British, and are often understated.

They overlooked the fact that '95+ SOHC Saturns went from Throttle-body Injection (a carb with a chip, basically) to Multi-port fuel injection, so a lot of the engine stuff is useless to me. And as far as body stuff, I STILL have no idea how to even get to the leaking rear washer fluid tank in my wagon.

The papers too rough to even wipe with either.

Originally posted by jervinator
They overlooked the fact that '95+ SOHC Saturns went from Throttle-body Injection (a carb with a chip, basically) to Multi-port fuel injection, so a lot of the engine stuff is useless to me. And as far as body stuff, I STILL have no idea how to even get to the leaking rear washer fluid tank in my wagon.

The papers too rough to even wipe with either.

Click to expand...

I think we have a winner....I don't think I've ever seen an oversight THAT big in any of my manuals....criminy. The biggest one I've seen so far is on my Integra...they mistook the fuel sending unit for the fuel pump (the covers are the same). I guess this proves that they are not, in fact, based on a complete teardown and rebuild.