- 89,446
- Rule 12
- GTP_Famine
Due to "circumstances beyond my control", I recently had the unbridled joy of having to drive an '03 Renault Clio for a weekend.
Looks exactly like this one:
So, In I get. I've got 500 miles to look forward to in this thing so, what's the driving position like?
Cack. I'm 5'10" tall. I'm in proportion - my legs aren't stupidly long or short. I'm, physically at least, pretty much "normal". I had to have the seat as low as it could go and one notch from as far back as it could go - I've never had to sit this far back in a car before. Saving graces though - this is a Dynamique trim model, meaning the seat WILL adjust up and down (in a facile manner - it all goes up and slightly forward or down and slightly back) and the steering wheel is adjustable for rake (but not reach). There's no lumbar support whatsoever in the seat, so at the end of the first 250 mile journey I was ready to kill anything that crossed my path.
Turn the key and... oh dear. The starter sounds exactly like my old 1.3i Fiesta, which was itself based on a 35-year old engine design. The engine - 1.6i 16v in this model - ticks over okay, if a little clattery. But there's no gasping or straining - the engine starts with little fuss.
Let's have a quick check on the old controls. What the..? Indicator and wiper are the "normal" way round (my Mazda has the indicator on the right and wipers on the left - not normal for the UK). But they're so damn fussy. Turn the end of the indicator stalk round and you've got headlights/sidelights... turn the middle and you've got rear/front and rear foglights... Twiddle the wiper stalk and the rear wiper does something. Push it in and various (scrolling) details about your journey flash up. I'd swear that just to indicate left with your headlights and wipers on you needed to move both stalks through about 7 different dimensions...
This brings me, neatly, onto a subsequent point. In this Clio, the headlights turn on when it's dark (and off again when it isn't) and the wipers turn on when it's wet. This means that whenever my girlfriend drives my car at night and in the rain, she can't see a damn thing, because the car usually does it all for her. What next? Automatic steering when the road bends? Oi! Big car companies! Stop divorcing the driver from actually having to drive.
But I digress. There's also a radio "remote" stalk. Only this is in such a position that you can't see it unless the wheel's at 90 degrees to the right. Niiiice.
Instrument panel... Dreadful. Let's ignore, for a while, the permanent orange glow from the LCD readout (with a temperature gauge, fuel gauge and current option on the computer thingy) - though if I'm looking forward and catch an orange glow on my dashboard, it usually means something's FUBARed, but in the Clio it's normal. Instead, let us move on to the speedometer. There's only two speeds I actually care about - 30mph (for being nice in towns and not getting snapped by cameras) and 70mph on motorways (see the camera comment). The Clio speedo? Goes up in 20s, guv - bearing in mind that this is an adjustment for pretty much only the UK market. There's NO MARKINGS WHATSOEVER for 10, 30, 50, 70, 90, 110 or (optimistic) 130mph. The speedo DOES go up to 140mph for a 100hp car though. Real useful that, cheers.
Jesus, I haven't even set off yet...
The clutch is like stamping grapes. There's a biting point somewhere, but no-one knows exactly where it is. It probably changes each time. The gearbox is comical - there's no physical way to tell the difference between third and fifth gears other than the noise getting louder in third. On the up side, the 1.6 isn't really sluggish (though for God's sake don't ask it to drive at anything less than 20mph in anything more than third gear) and pings up to its 6500rpm limit quite happily. There's a somewhat staggered approach to the steering. Turning the wheel a little bit doesn't do much, until you reach a certain threshhold amount of turn. Then the wheels snick into their first designated position. Turn the wheel a little more and nothing happens, until you reach another threshhold amount of turn and the wheels snick into the second designated position. You can wiggle the steering wheel from 5 degrees left to 5 degrees right and, other than feeling a slight resistance from the tyres, nothing at all happens. It's almost hilarious. Almost. In town it's as bad. The power steering means that you have to turn the wheel 360 degrees just to turn slightly left. Parking is an activity akin to plate-spinning. Not (stall) forgetting (stall) that (stall) damn (stall) clutch (swears).
The brakes are absolutely the best part of the car. By "best" I mean "worst", obviously. They are purely digital - to fit in with the digital age no doubt. If you aren't pressing them, nothing happens. If you press them a little bit, nothing happens. If you press them a little bit more, they're on. That's it. You've either got ALL of the brakes or none of them.
However, when not braking, steering, indicating or trying to change the radio, it's okay. Well... sort of. In the UK, our maximum speed limit is 70mph. A more realistic "average" maximum (the speed most people settle down into) is 80mph. This means that to pass someone you're gaining on on a motorway requires a little spurt up to 85mph. NO. At 80mph it's okay. Not even that thrashy or loud. At 85mph it's a different world. The car seems to dissociate itself from the tarmac and steering ceases to have any useful function and becomes some kind of wierd Zen T'ai Chi move.
All this rather overwhelms Renault's usual tricks of appalling build quality and fit'n'finish - the sunroof, once opened for the first time, squeaks for the rest of eternity, the interior plastics are a cross between Lego reject quality and the stuff you put in a nuthouse and the glovebox neither closes nor opens properly. This is all kind of unspoken and taken for granted though.
So, to summarise. you can't use this round town because you can't park it without twirling the wheel like a cretin and stalling it. You can't use it on motorways because it takes off. You can't use it on long drives because you'll catch spina bifida. The car turns all the lights and wipers on for you, because French people think you're too thick to do it yourself, yet they couldn't even be bothered to make a glovebox that fits for you. I'll remind you that this is a 1.6i Dynamique model too - very nearly the top of the regular Clio range.
On the upside, it's not totally slow and no-one will want to nick it. Then again, if someone does, you'll never find it, because there's eleventy billion of them that look identical.
And, amusingly, this isn't the worst car I've ever driven...
I got back into my car after 5 days off and threw it down a country lane as a shakedown. I nearly had a "private moment", such was the change.
The verdict? If you're thinking about buying a Renault Clio, get a goddamn bicycle.
Looks exactly like this one:
So, In I get. I've got 500 miles to look forward to in this thing so, what's the driving position like?
Cack. I'm 5'10" tall. I'm in proportion - my legs aren't stupidly long or short. I'm, physically at least, pretty much "normal". I had to have the seat as low as it could go and one notch from as far back as it could go - I've never had to sit this far back in a car before. Saving graces though - this is a Dynamique trim model, meaning the seat WILL adjust up and down (in a facile manner - it all goes up and slightly forward or down and slightly back) and the steering wheel is adjustable for rake (but not reach). There's no lumbar support whatsoever in the seat, so at the end of the first 250 mile journey I was ready to kill anything that crossed my path.
Turn the key and... oh dear. The starter sounds exactly like my old 1.3i Fiesta, which was itself based on a 35-year old engine design. The engine - 1.6i 16v in this model - ticks over okay, if a little clattery. But there's no gasping or straining - the engine starts with little fuss.
Let's have a quick check on the old controls. What the..? Indicator and wiper are the "normal" way round (my Mazda has the indicator on the right and wipers on the left - not normal for the UK). But they're so damn fussy. Turn the end of the indicator stalk round and you've got headlights/sidelights... turn the middle and you've got rear/front and rear foglights... Twiddle the wiper stalk and the rear wiper does something. Push it in and various (scrolling) details about your journey flash up. I'd swear that just to indicate left with your headlights and wipers on you needed to move both stalks through about 7 different dimensions...
This brings me, neatly, onto a subsequent point. In this Clio, the headlights turn on when it's dark (and off again when it isn't) and the wipers turn on when it's wet. This means that whenever my girlfriend drives my car at night and in the rain, she can't see a damn thing, because the car usually does it all for her. What next? Automatic steering when the road bends? Oi! Big car companies! Stop divorcing the driver from actually having to drive.
But I digress. There's also a radio "remote" stalk. Only this is in such a position that you can't see it unless the wheel's at 90 degrees to the right. Niiiice.
Instrument panel... Dreadful. Let's ignore, for a while, the permanent orange glow from the LCD readout (with a temperature gauge, fuel gauge and current option on the computer thingy) - though if I'm looking forward and catch an orange glow on my dashboard, it usually means something's FUBARed, but in the Clio it's normal. Instead, let us move on to the speedometer. There's only two speeds I actually care about - 30mph (for being nice in towns and not getting snapped by cameras) and 70mph on motorways (see the camera comment). The Clio speedo? Goes up in 20s, guv - bearing in mind that this is an adjustment for pretty much only the UK market. There's NO MARKINGS WHATSOEVER for 10, 30, 50, 70, 90, 110 or (optimistic) 130mph. The speedo DOES go up to 140mph for a 100hp car though. Real useful that, cheers.
Jesus, I haven't even set off yet...
The clutch is like stamping grapes. There's a biting point somewhere, but no-one knows exactly where it is. It probably changes each time. The gearbox is comical - there's no physical way to tell the difference between third and fifth gears other than the noise getting louder in third. On the up side, the 1.6 isn't really sluggish (though for God's sake don't ask it to drive at anything less than 20mph in anything more than third gear) and pings up to its 6500rpm limit quite happily. There's a somewhat staggered approach to the steering. Turning the wheel a little bit doesn't do much, until you reach a certain threshhold amount of turn. Then the wheels snick into their first designated position. Turn the wheel a little more and nothing happens, until you reach another threshhold amount of turn and the wheels snick into the second designated position. You can wiggle the steering wheel from 5 degrees left to 5 degrees right and, other than feeling a slight resistance from the tyres, nothing at all happens. It's almost hilarious. Almost. In town it's as bad. The power steering means that you have to turn the wheel 360 degrees just to turn slightly left. Parking is an activity akin to plate-spinning. Not (stall) forgetting (stall) that (stall) damn (stall) clutch (swears).
The brakes are absolutely the best part of the car. By "best" I mean "worst", obviously. They are purely digital - to fit in with the digital age no doubt. If you aren't pressing them, nothing happens. If you press them a little bit, nothing happens. If you press them a little bit more, they're on. That's it. You've either got ALL of the brakes or none of them.
However, when not braking, steering, indicating or trying to change the radio, it's okay. Well... sort of. In the UK, our maximum speed limit is 70mph. A more realistic "average" maximum (the speed most people settle down into) is 80mph. This means that to pass someone you're gaining on on a motorway requires a little spurt up to 85mph. NO. At 80mph it's okay. Not even that thrashy or loud. At 85mph it's a different world. The car seems to dissociate itself from the tarmac and steering ceases to have any useful function and becomes some kind of wierd Zen T'ai Chi move.
All this rather overwhelms Renault's usual tricks of appalling build quality and fit'n'finish - the sunroof, once opened for the first time, squeaks for the rest of eternity, the interior plastics are a cross between Lego reject quality and the stuff you put in a nuthouse and the glovebox neither closes nor opens properly. This is all kind of unspoken and taken for granted though.
So, to summarise. you can't use this round town because you can't park it without twirling the wheel like a cretin and stalling it. You can't use it on motorways because it takes off. You can't use it on long drives because you'll catch spina bifida. The car turns all the lights and wipers on for you, because French people think you're too thick to do it yourself, yet they couldn't even be bothered to make a glovebox that fits for you. I'll remind you that this is a 1.6i Dynamique model too - very nearly the top of the regular Clio range.
On the upside, it's not totally slow and no-one will want to nick it. Then again, if someone does, you'll never find it, because there's eleventy billion of them that look identical.
And, amusingly, this isn't the worst car I've ever driven...
I got back into my car after 5 days off and threw it down a country lane as a shakedown. I nearly had a "private moment", such was the change.
The verdict? If you're thinking about buying a Renault Clio, get a goddamn bicycle.
. I guess you don't like the Clio then. Tbh they arn't great, they're not as bad as you make out to be but they arn't great by any means.
I've never ever EVER done that once in my old style ('93) SEAT Ibiza. And in over a years driving I've only stalled my car twice, once of which when I tried to set off on a hill in 2nd gear after dropping someone off 
And yeah I agree about the twiddly light controls. My SEAT has a big clunky button the the dash and everytime I press it my passengers wonder what I'm doing. Maybe they think its an ejector seat control 
