99% chance I'll be a single man again (Marriage issues)

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Azuremen

Azuremen

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Some of you (WRSers) are already aware that I've got some marriage issues on meh hands. Now, I'm gonna keep this from sounding bitter, buy I do have some advice buried in the upcoming rant, which is the other reason for posting - I like to rant :D

Okay, quick back ground. 'Bout two years back, I met this wonderful girl, and we fell in love. Basic story there, right? Thing was, she was quite religious, and well, I was not. But me, being the open minded guy I am, investigated her church and such, liked the people and much of it, converted and so on. We got engaged then then got married this last December...

Fast forward to now... religion is the issue. I'm not religious enough for her, and she is realizing she wants a more religious guy than I am. Thats a tall order from a guy that was raised to question everything and to want concrete evidence (my dad is a Ph.D physicist). And that means I'm not likely going to quickly change into the ideal religious guy anytime soon (and I'm starting to realize some of my religious nature was from small pressures from other people). And she isn't willing to compromise (understandable, since her religion is critical to her). Thus... separation/divorce looks like the best way for both of us, since we have very separate goals we are realizing, and different ways to get there. There are a bunch of other little issues that could be worked out, but those are kinda pointless in light of this major one.

The lessons I have learned are these... make damn well sure you and your partner have the same religious ideas and standards, and make sure you fully understand your own views clearly. Next one is if you are nervous about the wedding and think you should wait on it, do not worry about how other people will react. Its your wedding, not theirs, and if they get inconvenienced, well, too bad for them. I certainly wish I had now...

Good news is she and I are likely going to be friends following this, as we still get along. We just don't make a good husband and wife combo. And I'm still young, no kids, and now I'll have money again, YAY! :P

Okay, end ranting... time to turn in my time card.
 
Well, I'm sorry you're just learning this lesson now, but at least you've learned it now and not later.

I hear a lot of people in similar situations to yours, and I always ask myself how it gets there. But, as you say, some issues are not apparent until you live with them for a little.

Best of luck for an amicable divorce. It's never a nice thing, but it doesn't have to be hell, either. Good luck, man.
 
Yes, it’s nice to hear that you two will still be on good terms when you divorce. 👍

The way I look at marriage is that there are so many day-to-day things to fight over that you should really make sure you’re 100% compatible on the big issues first. I’m not sure how some marriages work where the husband thinks that she has an imaginary friend in the clouds and the wife thinks that he’s set for eternal damnation. (Or vice versa.)
 
I think that you made the effort to make the relationship work, because you cared about it. Unfortunately, religion is one of those things that you just can't get around: you don't believe, she does. There's no "half-belief". Better that you split now before war breaks out and children get hurt.
 
Sage brough this up a little, but I think religion isn' the only compatibility check you should make. I've never been in a marriage situation (or even a serious relationship), but it just seems like everything important to one person should be compatible with the other.

ANYWAY, on to the issue at hand, I'm sorry to hear about this divorce. As good as it sounds like it will go, divorces can't be fun. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that both of you get through it with the least trouble and emotional stress.
 
Sage
The way I look at marriage is that there are so many day-to-day things to fight over that you should really make sure you’re 100% compatible on the big issues first.
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I keep getting told that living together for 2 years is enough time to work that out, I keep telling my mum that I need 3 :lol:.


Sorry to hear about that Azuremen, at least you'll still be on good terms but like Duke said it can't be a nice thing at the best of times.
 
I don't think I've ever heard of someone getting a divorce and remaining friends after that. I think it's friggen awesome.👍

Best of luck to you both, and I hope things go well.
 
Sage
Yes, it’s nice to hear that you two will still be on good terms when you divorce. 👍

The way I look at marriage is that there are so many day-to-day things to fight over that you should really make sure you’re 100% compatible on the big issues first. I’m not sure how some marriages work where the husband thinks that she has an imaginary friend in the clouds and the wife thinks that he’s set for eternal damnation. (Or vice versa.)
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QFT... Just we thought we were compatible on it. Alas, somethings just aren't meant to be.

@PB, I've known a couple of people that have had civil divorces and still been friendly, my step mother being one. But yeah, Divorce generally has the massive negative connotation to it, so I've been avoiding using the term, preferring separated :p
 
There are a few issues like that that can kill even the best relationships. Politics, religion, children, work ethic...

The scary thing is that people's positions on these things can even change over time, and to people who take them seriously it could be a deal-breaker.

I've had a relationship fall apart because of religious differences, so I know a bit about where you're coming from. It's amazing how something that you'd normally almost never talk about can weave it's way into just about any discussion if you know you disagree.

Good luck man. From the sound of it, you're making the right choice.
 
Sounds like you're not willing to accept who you married. It sucks, but it's time to move on. Good luck.
 
Solid Lifters
Sounds like you're not willing to accept who you married. It sucks, but it's time to move on. Good luck.
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I think it's the other way around. he can accept who he married, she can't.
 
I'm single :)

HAHA NO! Just kidding.

Well, good thing you'll have money in your pocket, but I understand your whole situation. My cousin who just got married about 8 months ago, they started having problems because one was obsessed with having kids and stuff and the other was just not ready to be a parent. The girl adopted a kid and the guy just found out that day with out even talking about it. They have their own choices to make but they aren't ready to make them as a couple... Weird lady too, thank God not my family. But good luck with the whole situation, I hope things work out for you man 👍
 
Perfect Balance
I think it's the other way around. he can accept who he married, she can't.
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Yeah, you could really see it from both points, but he knew she was religious. He either pretended to be, or temporally became 'religious' to be with her. It sounds like it to me, he's going back to his previous position on religion, and now she's complaining about it. It's similar to what a buddy went through years ago with his wife.

He's pro gun, and she was not. They dated for two years, during which time she went shooting and said enjoyed it. After three years of marriage, and a kid, she told him to get all the guns out of the house that she never really liked guns. He wasn't having any of it, so they got divorced. She changed, much like I feel Azuremen changed, even though he said he hasn't. It's just a feeling I have, and I'm running with it. Of course, not trying to say it's ALL his fault, and pick on the guy, but he did make a critical compatibility mistake that I recognized.

Like I said before, I wish him luck. 👍
 
I'm glad to hear that no kids were involved in this divorce. Glad for you too, as child support ruins many lives. :nervous:
 
Solid Lifters
Yeah, you could really see it from both points, but he knew she was religious. He either pretended to be, or temporally became 'religious' to be with her. It sounds like it to me, he's going back to his previous position on religion, and now she's complaining about it. It's similar to what a buddy went through years ago with his wife.

He's pro gun, and she was not. They dated for two years, during which time she went shooting and said enjoyed it. After three years of marriage, and a kid, she told him to get all the guns out of the house that she never really liked guns. He wasn't having any of it, so they got divorced. She changed, much like I feel Azuremen changed, even though he said he hasn't. It's just a feeling I have, and I'm running with it. Of course, not trying to say it's ALL his fault, and pick on the guy, but he did make a critical compatibility mistake that I recognized.

Like I said before, I wish him luck. 👍
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Nope, no need to defend yourself, as you are pretty much right. Though she also has changed what she expects out of a guy now... in being more religious. Basically, we meet had agreed on a middle point, where I honestly thought I was more religious than I am beginning to realize I am, and where she wanted less than she does now religious.

And now that both of our views are changing, they are moving away from this middle ground and away from each other. I don't recall saying I hadn't changed at all, as I know full well some of my views have changed. In retrospect, and as hindsight is always 20/20, it feels as if I was pushed into the religion by her family and kinda had my chain yanked around a bit. Me being the young and some naive guy I can be honestly lead myself to believe I fully agreed with everything, when in fact all I was doing was lying to them and myself.

But, where you may have gotten the thought that I said I hadn't changed could be from part of my tone. I'm fully fine with her being religious, she just isn't fine with me not being as religious as she is.

And now I keep getting advice from her family along the lines of... pray, read scripture, and talk with your bishop... which is the advice I've gotten from everyone in the church. Now, that would be great if the problem wasn't religion, but my secular mind keeps going "I need something that will actually fix it or that clearly explains things," while all this religious stuff feels wishy washy to me right now.
 
Out of curiosity, advice for what? I mean, the divorce seems pretty set (99% = “pretty set” in my book), and you seem to be coping with it okay, so I’m a bit confused as to what they’d be lending advice for…
 
Because divorce is pretty taboo in most Christian churches, due to covenants made with God and such. Thus, they feel working it out is best. And also, they don't know the full details, so they think its just the usual issues along the lines of "He doesn't pay enough attention to me" or "money is too tight" or "he wants kids later and I want kids sooner."

So yeah. Of course, I could have some sudden change of heart they also feel, but most of that is being quelled by me not wanting to suddenly be religious, as that is kinda what got me and my wife into this mess.
 
Glad to hear you're getting it worked out mate.

All the best for the future. 👍
 
Azuremen
Nope, no need to defend yourself, as you are pretty much right. Though she also has changed what she expects out of a guy now... in being more religious. Basically, we meet had agreed on a middle point, where I honestly thought I was more religious than I am beginning to realize I am, and where she wanted less than she does now religious.

And now that both of our views are changing, they are moving away from this middle ground and away from each other. I don't recall saying I hadn't changed at all, as I know full well some of my views have changed. In retrospect, and as hindsight is always 20/20, it feels as if I was pushed into the religion by her family and kinda had my chain yanked around a bit. Me being the young and some naive guy I can be honestly lead myself to believe I fully agreed with everything, when in fact all I was doing was lying to them and myself.

But, where you may have gotten the thought that I said I hadn't changed could be from part of my tone. I'm fully fine with her being religious, she just isn't fine with me not being as religious as she is.

And now I keep getting advice from her family along the lines of... pray, read scripture, and talk with your bishop... which is the advice I've gotten from everyone in the church. Now, that would be great if the problem wasn't religion, but my secular mind keeps going "I need something that will actually fix it or that clearly explains things," while all this religious stuff feels wishy washy to me right now.
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I'm sorry to see that your marriage has gotten to this stage, as many members have already said.

It would seem to me that it is almost totally your wife's fault. She couldn't realistically expect someone to change something as fundamentally central to their character as religion - just to suit them or their family. If in your own mind you are not 100% behind religion then you can't be expected to slowly come around to that way of thinking through contant bombardement. You either are religious or you aren't.
 
Congratulations!:cheers:






No, seriously.
 
TheCracker
I'm sorry to see that your marriage has gotten to this stage, as many members have already said.

It would seem to me that it is almost totally your wife's fault. She couldn't realistically expect someone to change something as fundamentally central to their character as religion - just to suit them or their family. If in your own mind you are not 100% behind religion then you can't be expected to slowly come around to that way of thinking through contant bombardement. You either are religious or you aren't.
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I'm not sure about the apportionment of fault. Azureman went into the marriage knowing that there was a fundamental difference of opinion. Of course, he made sterling efforts to work around it, but it was hardly an eyes-closed scenario.

AzureMan
And now I keep getting advice from her family along the lines of... pray, read scripture, and talk with your bishop... which is the advice I've gotten from everyone in the church. Now, that would be great if the problem wasn't religion, but my secular mind keeps going "I need something that will actually fix it or that clearly explains things," while all this religious stuff feels wishy washy to me right now.
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If the people who are advising you don't know the full story, then their advice will be tainted, and thus unusable. However, I do think that the "pray et al" advice generally given by the secular is simple laziness. It's as if doing these things will resolve your difficulties. Since I'm atheist, I know that I don't understand, but if you're having marital difficulties, surely the person to whom you should be talking is your spouse, not God, or one of God's lieutenants? I understand the concept of prayer as being a time for consideration and a time at which the person praying is focusing their best wishes on the person for whom the prayer is given (which is why I am always appreciative when people have said that they are praying for me and my family), but I don't see how that can resolve actual issues.

I guess that if you're in the process of splitting up from your wife because you do not share her religious fervour, this is actually hardening your atheist stance. Try to take care not to lose sight of yourself as you fight this emotional battle, and as those surrounding you fill your head with inaccuracies based upon their incomplete knowledgebase.
 
It sounds to me like they grew apart religiously, or they both made compromises initially that they later realized they couldn't live with. I don't think you can place the blame on either of them.

Consider, for a moment, the person who find or loses god after some increadible event in life. I've spoken with a person who said he lost god the day his son died, and has been an atheist ever since. I've spoken with people who have found god as well, or found a different god.

These things happen. Is it really blame that you place on a person when their son dies and they lose faith and it causes a divorce? I don't blame him. Yes, he caused the divorce, yes he's renigging on a previous position - but people change and many times they don't control it.

Growing apart on a central issue is a big problem, I'm sure it's not fun. But I like the decision here to admit the problem and move on rather than ruin the lives of all invovled and try to force it.
 
Danoff smacked the nail on the head with his post. We haven't been trying to appoint fault on a single person, as its not really anyone's fault, but rather us both being naive. It, at the moment, is a lose lose situation, its just a matter of making the choice now.

And it is amazing to see how much someone can change after a major event. I can barely remember my childhood because of the deaths of family during... 2 grandparents, a couple of uncles, and my mother before I was 10 years old. I've seen a friend of mine go from being a complete slacker to working his ass off to help his girlfriend he got pregnant. People change from external forces, or fall back on familiar views when something does not work out for them, and it can be surprising.

Giles, I can fully understand where you are coming from, coming from a very secular and scientific family. Faith is a truly confusing thing that I still cannot fully come to terms with, though it would be nice at times. However, I've never gone to being atheist at any point in my life, and probably never will. I've learned enough and understand the universe well enough to know that I cannot rule out the option of a higher power.

At this moment though, I think the only thing holding me back from finalizing the decision is my own fear of it being yet again the wrong choice. A rushed decision is what got me here, another one is probably not the best idea. So its just a matter of me fully agreeing, with myself, that the best option is to split, which from everything I've thought on and she has as well, is the best option. But still doesn't change the fact that this sucks :(
 
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