Adult Humor....

Rice Rocketeer

Rice Rocketeer

Messages
1,879
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAIN SUGGESTIVE ADULT HUMOR AND COMEDY...IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS TYPE OF STUFF, PLZ PRESS ALT-F4 RIGHT NOW AND GET THE HELL OUT!!!!!!!

OR GO TO THIS SITE.. WWW.DISNEY.COM

if ya don't mind and are ready for a good laugh...enjoy!
 
A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."
 
An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."
 
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his p*nis.
 
A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."


:):):):):):)):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
 
A guy gets onto a crowded elevator and notices a very voluptuous young woman standing next to him. In his excitement, he drops his briefcase and papers scatter all over the floor of the elevator. While bending down to retrieve his belongings, the woman also leans over to offer her assistance. In and amongst the others also riding the elevator, the man looses his balance and bumps into the woman, gently brushing her breast with his elbow.

"I'm terribly sorry. Please excuse me," says the man, slightly blushing. "If you don't mind me saying, though, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you must be a very warm, loving woman."

Surprised, but witty nonetheless, the woman replies, "Well, thanks for the compliment."

There is a moment of awkward silence. Finally, the woman leans over to the man and whispers in his ear, "By the way, if your d!ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 306."
 
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

;)
 
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, refused to touch it.
 
There were two dwarfs who won the lottery. The first thing they did was hire a couple of prostitutes and go to a hotel. Their rooms are next to each other and with a wink, they each take their lady of the night into a room.

The first dwarf is only just in bed when he hears through the wall "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend is all ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH,

1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend can keep going.

He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" that despite his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get it up. Even as he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH"

The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have left. The second dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted.

"How was your night?" asked the exhausted one.

"Terrible" replied the first. "I couldn't get an erection."

"You lucky bastard" said the second. "I couldn't even get on the bed."
 
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?"

"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
 
A son takes his ill father to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor advises that the father is dying of cancer.

On the way home from the hospital, the father tells his son that he has had a good, long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate. Surprised, the son reluctantly agrees.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying from AIDS. When his friends leave, the son says, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "It's rather simple, son... I don't want my friends banging your mother after I'm gone!"
 
this one isn't all that great but here goes....

It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."
 
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
 
Originally posted by Rice Rocketeer
A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."


:):):):):):)):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
Click to expand...

EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeewwwwwww..... :lol:
 
Originally posted by Jazza


who else but you can say that? after all, you have most of the threads on this forum! Yes, the jokes rock!
Click to expand...

i hate to say this but here goes...it was I who influenced Jordan to include a "Comedy Corner" at GTP...i thought everyone would need a little laugh after what happened on Sept. 11 and this, i assume, would be the best way to do it...
 
Originally posted by Rice Rocketeer


i hate to say this but here goes...it was I who influenced Jordan to include a "Comedy Corner" at GTP...i thought everyone would need a little laugh after what happened on Sept. 11 and this, i assume, would be the best way to do it...
Click to expand...

Good call, dude
 
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

"Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt."

"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control."

"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."
jack handey
 
Rice Rocketeer- I have to admit that all of those were absolutely hilarious...:lol::thumbsup:

I've heard like 2 of them before, but the rest are all new to me...:D


Keep 'em comin' man...;)
 

Latest Posts

Back