Axis Of Almost Evil......

[ledhed]

A little bit of a different take...enjoy.
Axis of Evil Wannabes
>
> by John Cleese
>
> Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
> China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil,"
> which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea
> axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
>
> Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
> having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as
Evil...in
> their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
>
> "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the
> best."
>
> Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although
> they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told
> us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
>
> "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President
> Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's
> tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil
> Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is
wickedly
> cool."
>
> International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
> within minutes, France surrendered.
>
> Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what
> became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they
had
> formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda
and
> Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and
> Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil
> Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."
>
> With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling
> up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis
of
> Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
> Olympics."
>
> Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually
> Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while
> Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be
> Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just
> something we like to do," said Scottish Executive
> First Minister Jack McConnell.
>
> While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
> fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he
> rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
> "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials
> from
> Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
>
> Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately,
> leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
>
>
>
> "We are so poor, we don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!"
>

 

[RallyF1]

i love it, it is really funny the whole world is all evil now and we have to thank baby bush for that

 

[milefile]

Thank god for John Cleese.

 

[ledhed]

Yep.

 

[milefile]

Originally posted by RallyF1
i love it, it is really funny the whole world is all evil now and we have to thank baby bush for that

By they way... Get a hold of yourself.

 

[Matrixhasu77]

Hilarious!

 

[KosmikFool]

That is great stuff.

 

[ledhed]

Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When George sits down he notices Saddam's chair has three buttons on the arm rest. They begin talking, and after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of Bush's chair and bashes him in the face.

Bush, barely believing it, carries on talking but after a few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the chest. Bush is ticked off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits Bush, right in the stomach. Bush is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President. Saddam, choking from his own laughter, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.

A week later Bush receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Bush's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Bush press the first button, and ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn't stop Bush from laughing... loudly.

After this, Bush continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam jumps up and again nothing happens, this time Bush falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it - what in the world is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Bush presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Bush isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!"

(Through tears of laughter from the floor), Bush says,

"Baghdad?... what Baghdad?!"
_________________

 

[Matrixhasu77]

Even better than the first one, ledhed! This should be in the CC.

 

[K_Speed]

this one is much better:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).


Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.


Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.


Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).


Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.


You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.


July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.


You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without
risk of further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.


You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.

-------------------

damn i grabbed up an old thread

 

[Solid Fro]

Worse Post Ever.

 

[Anderton Prime]

Actually, his was a better post than yours was, Viper, and I'll tell you why. First of all, he actually made a post with CONTENT. You merely made a three word commentary on someone else's post. As well, you seem to have once again been blinded by your patriotism, since you make no indication of having understood the post - and the thread, for that matter - for what it is, which is humoUr. You know, chuckle chuckle, smile smile? Or is no one supposed to poke fun at America now?

 

[ledhed]

It made me want to invade Canada . Did France surrender yet ? At any rate I bought a case of Moosehead instead of frozen gnats piss and decided to stay home.

 

[Famine]

The UK isn't metric.

 

[ledhed]

Its English .

 

[Zrow]

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

Lee Harvey Oswald?

 

[Solid Fro]

I cannot make a three word post only because it goes against everything one user believes to be the truth?

Maybe I should post more three word essays?

 

[Grand Prix]

I cannot make a three word post only because it goes against everything one user believes to be the truth?

Maybe I should post more three word essays?

Umm, truth?

You serious? No one believes the junk in that post.

 

[amp88]

...

Very true

 

[Grand Prix]

Very true

Except this guy.

 

[amp88]

I was just pulling his leg. I didn't take the post seriously (though some of it did make me chuckle)

 

[Solid Fro]

Umm, truth?

You serious? No one believes the junk in that post.

No, certain users DO believe it's the truth, that was my point.

Most users do ignore it, but the rest are just blind.

 

[a6m5]

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

I love John Cleese. 👍

 

[Duke]

this one is much better:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA

blah blah blah *snip*

-------------------

damn i grabbed up an old thread

Damn, you grabbed up an old post to make, too. As-yet-undiscovered tribes in Borneo have already read that, and found it mildly amusing but mostly pretentious and condescending.

Try again. Or better yet, don't bother.

 

[Touring Mars]

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil
Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

Cleese for Prime Minister...

Living is easy with eyes closed...

But it does make playing Gran Turismo a bugger

 

[K_Speed]

Damn, you grabbed up an old post to make, too. As-yet-undiscovered tribes in Borneo have already read that, and found it mildly amusing but mostly pretentious and condescending.

Try again. Or better yet, don't bother.

ok

👍

 

[sukerkin]

Don't be so hard on k_speed for utilising an old post in the quest for humour - it's not that heinous a sin.

As a non-American, I can tell you that it is in fact a rather amusing tract and has more than a little truth at it's core (like most effective comedy).

I know that not all nations like to have fun poked at them, especially powerful ones (without any proper history of their own) which were founded by religious extremists ejected from other, more civilised, nations ... .

If it offends thine eye, then read it not.

 

[ledhed]

After reading it I callled a German buddy of mine for some advice on my invasion plans . He told me to invade France for practice before taking on any harder tasks like Grenada or one of them Jersey Islands in the Channel . My three other buddys are busy loading the row boat up with guns and beer for the trip . If someone could tell me how to find the Britain in all that water I would appreciate it . As my bunghole is very angry this will be a suprise attack so dont tell nobody .

 

[Duke]

As a non-American, I can tell you that it is in fact a rather amusing tract and has more than a little truth at it's core (like most effective comedy).

As-yet-undiscovered tribes in Borneo have already read that, and found it mildly amusing

True.

but mostly pretentious and condescending.

But also true.

 

[ledhed]

One of my buddys fell out of the boat raving about" kicking your queens butt " I do not believe in violence to women so someone please tell Elton to look out . My buddys a strong swimmer . On with the invasion ! Is east that way ?