- 3,425
A blonde stood at a Coke machine, pumping in dollar bills as cokes piled up at her feet. A passer-by asked what she was doing, and she replied
"Duh!......Winning!"
A woman took her new parrot to church with her and during a quiet part of the sermon, the bird said "It's god daamn cold in here". The woman just about fainted, and after church took the bird back to the pet shop. They told her to punish the bird by whipping him around in a circle if there were words she didn't want him using.
The next Sunday, the woman took her parrot to church again and during a quiet part of the sermon, the bird said "It's god daamn cold in here". The woman took the bird from her shoulder and whirled him around in a circle. He replied "Oh, it's fr@cking windy, too!".......
.A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice.
The woman replies, "He's a midget.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words
> as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:
>
> (1) Religion
> (2) Sexuality
> (3) Mystery
>
> There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
>
>
> Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
___________________________________________________________________________________
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
______________________________________________________________________________________
Two little boys live in very small town. This pair of brothers, one six the other eight, were always in trouble. Gotten so bad that any time any thing happened.. these two got the blame.
Parent decided to take them to minister - he was known for his work with "spirited" children
6 yr goes in. Minister: Billy, were is god?
billy's eyes went wide.. no answer
(louder firmer) minister: Where is GOD?
billy starts to fidget - again no answer
Minister: BILLY WHERE IS GOD, ANSWER ME NOW
BILLY's eyes get huge, squirming in his seat: no answer . Minister shakes his head and gently takes billy out. Billy runs over to his brother
Brother: what did he say, Billy?
Billy: Oh, we are in sooo much trouble
Brother: why?
Billy: GOD IS MISSING --- AND THEY THINK WE TOOK HIM!!!!
7 reasons not to mess with a child .............................................
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about
whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it s
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
"Duh!......Winning!"
A woman took her new parrot to church with her and during a quiet part of the sermon, the bird said "It's god daamn cold in here". The woman just about fainted, and after church took the bird back to the pet shop. They told her to punish the bird by whipping him around in a circle if there were words she didn't want him using.
The next Sunday, the woman took her parrot to church again and during a quiet part of the sermon, the bird said "It's god daamn cold in here". The woman took the bird from her shoulder and whirled him around in a circle. He replied "Oh, it's fr@cking windy, too!".......
.A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice.
The woman replies, "He's a midget.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words
> as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:
>
> (1) Religion
> (2) Sexuality
> (3) Mystery
>
> There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
>
>
> Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
___________________________________________________________________________________
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
______________________________________________________________________________________
Two little boys live in very small town. This pair of brothers, one six the other eight, were always in trouble. Gotten so bad that any time any thing happened.. these two got the blame.
Parent decided to take them to minister - he was known for his work with "spirited" children
6 yr goes in. Minister: Billy, were is god?
billy's eyes went wide.. no answer
(louder firmer) minister: Where is GOD?
billy starts to fidget - again no answer
Minister: BILLY WHERE IS GOD, ANSWER ME NOW
BILLY's eyes get huge, squirming in his seat: no answer . Minister shakes his head and gently takes billy out. Billy runs over to his brother
Brother: what did he say, Billy?
Billy: Oh, we are in sooo much trouble
Brother: why?
Billy: GOD IS MISSING --- AND THEY THINK WE TOOK HIM!!!!
7 reasons not to mess with a child .............................................
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about
whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it s
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
