- 1,184
Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go".
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end
and balance it"
"Are You sure Mick?"
"Yep, no worries mate"
"100 %?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phil to take a leak, but before he's finished the lunch siren
sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank.
Phil of course, is a goner.
Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman
and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.
Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!"
Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure"
Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming:
"CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!"
A woman takes her pet dog into the vets for a routine check up. She places the dog on the table and the vet examines him. The vet then picks the dog up and has a closer look at it and walks over to the woman with the dog. the vets says "i am afraind I shall have to put your dog down" the woman, who is shocked says "why! hes fine i only came in for a checkup" the vet replys "because hes bloody heavy thats why!"
2 Nuns are driving late at night through a wood when suddenly a vampire jumps on to the bonnet of the car. The first nun says to the 2nd nun, quick sow him your cross. So the first nun takes a deep breath and shouts GET OFF MY ****ING CAR YOU UNDEAD BASTARD!
This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.'
And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.'
And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'
So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'
And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared. He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with £1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'
A guy was walking home from the pub all pissed up one night when he passes the railway station. He notices a young lady tied to the train tracks.
Quick as a dash he runs over to her and does the old super-hero act and unties her. After he unties her he takes her back to his place, has a drink, and after that has the best sex he's ever had with her.
Next evening he's off down the pub again.
He says to the landlord. 'Ah Bob, you'll never believe what happened last night"
...and he tells the landlord about finding the girl tied to the tracks, doing his superhero job, and the sex that followed...
"Man, we did every position you can think of. Missionary, Doggy, her on top, over the table... everything!"
"You lucky lucky bastard" says Bob the landlord. "Did you get a blow-job?"
"No" replies the bloke. "I couldn't find her head..."
A woman walks into a vet's and puts a parrot on the table and says "there's something wrong with my parrot" The vet looks at this parrot, and it's obviously dead, it's eyes are closed, it's stiff and cold, so he says to the woman "i'm sorry, but your parrot is dead" the vet says.
"NO, it can't be! iw on't accept it, i want a second opinion!!!" the woman replies
"ok" he says, so he walks to the door and opens it and a black labrador walks in and rolls the bird over with its paw, sniffs it, looks at the vet and shakes its head and walks out. Then a cat walks in, sniffs the bird, rolls it with its paw, looks to the vet and shakes its head.
The vet says again "i'm sorry but you're parrot is dead" The woman says, "ok, well, how much do i owe you?"
"£125" he replies, "£125!!!!" scream the woman "why so much?!"
The vet replies "well it's £25 for me, £50 for the lab report and another £50 for the cat scan."
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the door.
A man and his wife had been stranded on a desert island for many years. One day another an was washed up on shore. He and the wife were very attracted to each other right away, but realized that ceratain protocols must be observed.
The husband, however, was very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to haev three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man was only too happy to help out and volunteered to do the next shift. He climbed up the tower and began standing watch.
Soon the husband and wife started placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second many yelled down "Hey, no sex down there!" They yelled back "We're not having sex!"
A few minutes later they started to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yelled down, "Hey no ****ing!".
Again they yelled back "We're not ****ing!"
Later they were putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yelled down "Hey, I said no sex!" They shouted back, "We're not having sex!"
Finally his shift was over so the second man climbed down from the tower and the husband climbed up to take his turn on watch. He wasn't even halfway up before the wife and the second man are having passionate sex.
The husband looked down from the tower and said to himself, "My God! From up here it really DOES look as though they're ****ing!"
There were these two Americans who played golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy on his own asked if he could join them.
The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off.
About two holes into the game, the friends got curious to know what the man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hit-man. The friends kind of laughed. "No really, I am a hit-man. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can look if you like."
So one of the men decided he would. He opened up the bag and, sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge telescopic sight on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through this! May I look?"
The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked through the sight and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT THOUGH! There's my next door neighbour! He's naked too!" This so upset the man that he asked the hit-man how much it would be to do a hit.
The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The man said, "$1000, WOW! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbour right in the ****, just for screwing around with my wife.
The him-man agreed so he sets the gun up and looks through the scope. He was looking streadily for about 5 minutes. The man started to get impatient and asked the hit-man what he was waiting for. The hit-man replied,
"Just hold on a second...I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."
Four Irish nuns go uot for a weekend. On Mondey they come back and need to confess their sins. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have touched a penis with this finger."
"You are forgiven," the priest replies. "Just swirl your finger in the holy water."
The second nun goes in. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have fondled the private parts of a man with this hand."
And the priest says, "You are forgiven, Sister, just clean off your hand in the holy water."
The third nun was about to go into the confessional when the fourth nun says, "Sister Mary Patrck, please may I go ahead of you? Otherwise I'll be drinking what you sit in."
How do you turn a duck into a jazz singer?
Put it in the microwave till it's bill withers.
Pierre is the most famous fighter pilot in all of the French Air Force. His fighting skills are legendary, as is his love of the fairer sex.
After missions, Pierre likes to take himself down to the local brothel and partake in his second favourite activity.
Pierre finds himself a willing partner, and the two retire to her room. After undressing her, Pierre lays her down on the bed and proceeds to pour a bottle of red wine all over her breasts.
"What are you doing?" asks the bewildered lady of the night.
"I am Pierre, ze french fighter pilot, and when I eat pink meat, i eat it only wiz ze finest red wine."
"Weirdo," thinks the Pro, but, she's getting paid.
Pierre then proceeds to pour a bottle of white wine over her belly.
"What are you doing now?" splutters the hooker.
"I am Pierre, ze French fighter pilot, and when I eat white meat, I eat it only wiz ze finest white wine."
"He'll be gone very soon," thinks the painted harlot.
Pierre then pours a botlle of brandy all over the prostitute's crotch and sets fire to it.
"What the HELL are you doing?" screams the now in pain woman.
"I am Pierre, ze french fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
EDIT: Organised better. Chuckle away.
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end
and balance it"
"Are You sure Mick?"
"Yep, no worries mate"
"100 %?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phil to take a leak, but before he's finished the lunch siren
sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank.
Phil of course, is a goner.
Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman
and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.
Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!"
Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure"
Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming:
"CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!"
A woman takes her pet dog into the vets for a routine check up. She places the dog on the table and the vet examines him. The vet then picks the dog up and has a closer look at it and walks over to the woman with the dog. the vets says "i am afraind I shall have to put your dog down" the woman, who is shocked says "why! hes fine i only came in for a checkup" the vet replys "because hes bloody heavy thats why!"
2 Nuns are driving late at night through a wood when suddenly a vampire jumps on to the bonnet of the car. The first nun says to the 2nd nun, quick sow him your cross. So the first nun takes a deep breath and shouts GET OFF MY ****ING CAR YOU UNDEAD BASTARD!
This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.'
And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.'
And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'
So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'
And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared. He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with £1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'
A guy was walking home from the pub all pissed up one night when he passes the railway station. He notices a young lady tied to the train tracks.
Quick as a dash he runs over to her and does the old super-hero act and unties her. After he unties her he takes her back to his place, has a drink, and after that has the best sex he's ever had with her.
Next evening he's off down the pub again.
He says to the landlord. 'Ah Bob, you'll never believe what happened last night"
...and he tells the landlord about finding the girl tied to the tracks, doing his superhero job, and the sex that followed...
"Man, we did every position you can think of. Missionary, Doggy, her on top, over the table... everything!"
"You lucky lucky bastard" says Bob the landlord. "Did you get a blow-job?"
"No" replies the bloke. "I couldn't find her head..."
A woman walks into a vet's and puts a parrot on the table and says "there's something wrong with my parrot" The vet looks at this parrot, and it's obviously dead, it's eyes are closed, it's stiff and cold, so he says to the woman "i'm sorry, but your parrot is dead" the vet says.
"NO, it can't be! iw on't accept it, i want a second opinion!!!" the woman replies
"ok" he says, so he walks to the door and opens it and a black labrador walks in and rolls the bird over with its paw, sniffs it, looks at the vet and shakes its head and walks out. Then a cat walks in, sniffs the bird, rolls it with its paw, looks to the vet and shakes its head.
The vet says again "i'm sorry but you're parrot is dead" The woman says, "ok, well, how much do i owe you?"
"£125" he replies, "£125!!!!" scream the woman "why so much?!"
The vet replies "well it's £25 for me, £50 for the lab report and another £50 for the cat scan."
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the door.
A man and his wife had been stranded on a desert island for many years. One day another an was washed up on shore. He and the wife were very attracted to each other right away, but realized that ceratain protocols must be observed.
The husband, however, was very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to haev three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man was only too happy to help out and volunteered to do the next shift. He climbed up the tower and began standing watch.
Soon the husband and wife started placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second many yelled down "Hey, no sex down there!" They yelled back "We're not having sex!"
A few minutes later they started to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yelled down, "Hey no ****ing!".
Again they yelled back "We're not ****ing!"
Later they were putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yelled down "Hey, I said no sex!" They shouted back, "We're not having sex!"
Finally his shift was over so the second man climbed down from the tower and the husband climbed up to take his turn on watch. He wasn't even halfway up before the wife and the second man are having passionate sex.
The husband looked down from the tower and said to himself, "My God! From up here it really DOES look as though they're ****ing!"
There were these two Americans who played golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy on his own asked if he could join them.
The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off.
About two holes into the game, the friends got curious to know what the man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hit-man. The friends kind of laughed. "No really, I am a hit-man. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can look if you like."
So one of the men decided he would. He opened up the bag and, sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge telescopic sight on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through this! May I look?"
The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked through the sight and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT THOUGH! There's my next door neighbour! He's naked too!" This so upset the man that he asked the hit-man how much it would be to do a hit.
The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The man said, "$1000, WOW! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbour right in the ****, just for screwing around with my wife.
The him-man agreed so he sets the gun up and looks through the scope. He was looking streadily for about 5 minutes. The man started to get impatient and asked the hit-man what he was waiting for. The hit-man replied,
"Just hold on a second...I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."
Four Irish nuns go uot for a weekend. On Mondey they come back and need to confess their sins. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have touched a penis with this finger."
"You are forgiven," the priest replies. "Just swirl your finger in the holy water."
The second nun goes in. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have fondled the private parts of a man with this hand."
And the priest says, "You are forgiven, Sister, just clean off your hand in the holy water."
The third nun was about to go into the confessional when the fourth nun says, "Sister Mary Patrck, please may I go ahead of you? Otherwise I'll be drinking what you sit in."
How do you turn a duck into a jazz singer?
Put it in the microwave till it's bill withers.
Pierre is the most famous fighter pilot in all of the French Air Force. His fighting skills are legendary, as is his love of the fairer sex.
After missions, Pierre likes to take himself down to the local brothel and partake in his second favourite activity.
Pierre finds himself a willing partner, and the two retire to her room. After undressing her, Pierre lays her down on the bed and proceeds to pour a bottle of red wine all over her breasts.
"What are you doing?" asks the bewildered lady of the night.
"I am Pierre, ze french fighter pilot, and when I eat pink meat, i eat it only wiz ze finest red wine."
"Weirdo," thinks the Pro, but, she's getting paid.
Pierre then proceeds to pour a bottle of white wine over her belly.
"What are you doing now?" splutters the hooker.
"I am Pierre, ze French fighter pilot, and when I eat white meat, I eat it only wiz ze finest white wine."
"He'll be gone very soon," thinks the painted harlot.
Pierre then pours a botlle of brandy all over the prostitute's crotch and sets fire to it.
"What the HELL are you doing?" screams the now in pain woman.
"I am Pierre, ze french fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
EDIT: Organised better. Chuckle away.
