Do you have any family members that you do not know?

[Undertaker1234]

By family members I mean Dad, Mum, Brothers or sisters.
I ask this because:
I never knew my dad, I had no idea where he lived and then I found out by my half brother who I haven't seen in 5 years that he died. I never really got to say hello or goodbye to him

Do you have a story?

 

[Minty]

I didn't know my grandfather was even alive until I found out he was dead.

My mom hadn't seen him since she was 6, so me ever even seeing him was just out of the question. And,with that, when we got to his house to fix it up to be sold, there were beer cans, games, trash, food, mold, and all kinds of other disgusting 🤬 spread throughout the house. The smell was just horrid, and the place just felt all around disgusting.

In a way, actually, in every imaginable way, I'm glad I never knew him, because he was an alcoholic low life, who ran out on my mom when she was 6.
And I believe that enough to where I can say 'I got a free '02 Blazer out of the deal' with a smile on my face. Mainly because it only had 13,000 miles in 2009 because it was likely only used for beer runs.

Other than that it's only distant family I don't know.

 

[Undertaker1234]

Yeah I used get teased at school about me not knowing my dad, they would say
"He works at a gay strip club in Las Vegas called the Green Room." I would say "How would you know? were you there last night?"

 

[ImBruceWayne]

Well I never met my real mother, I've always wondered what she'd be like but unfortunately growing up, my stepmother made sure I never got to meet her or see her in any way possible. Kind of like as if she never existed, I tried contacting her but she never responded so given up on that now.

 

[prisonermonkeys]

I don't really know one of my uncles and most of his immediate family on my dad's side. He's ... well, I've never really worked out what their story is (and I've never asked), but we've never had much to do with them. I've known all of my other aunts and uncles and cousins on that side of the family for most of my life, but none of them have had much to do with one of the brothers.

When my grandmother on my mother's side died, she and her sisters got into a very big mess and they all went their separate ways. We only recently got back in touch with ones of them; as for the other, I have no idea where she lives or what she looks like. I don't even know the names of their kids. I know my mother has seen her once or twice in the ten years since they went their separate ways, but that's all I know.

 

[Crumpet]

I have a few lost family members, my Dad hasn't gone into information about who they are but one lives in San Francisco, one in Los Angeles, and one in San Diego.

 

[dxm8975]

I didn't really know some of my distant relatives until I visited their home with my parents(I grew up as the merely child so don't have siblings in my family) at the invitation of going skiing at the age of 3, although I was familiar with most of my uncles, aunts(aged as senior as to my dad or mom) because I didn't fail to go to their home to celebrate the beginning of a new year around the 31st of December every year, and on some other occasions we're planning to go somewhere together. Without exception of some kids of my aunts whom I couldn't get the chance to get to know until my junior high school's age.

 

[zedextreme8177]

My story is different from most of yours, but considering how large families over here are, I keep discovering new relatives from the Addu (South Maldivian) side of my family, on a near-monthly basis. Some of them are extremely distant, and some of them are apparently quite closely related to me

In fact, my girlfriend is a relative of mine, to put it in short: my grandpa's cousin is married to one of her aunts (though thankfully, this won't render a marriage null)

And just recently, I discovered that her best friend + her 7 siblings and I are 5th cousins

So yeah, my distant relatives would probably number over 1000, and I keep discovering them all the time

 

[Danoff]

By family members I mean Dad, Mum, Brothers or sisters.
I ask this because:
I never knew my dad, I had no idea where he lived and then I found out by my half brother who I haven't seen in 5 years that he died. I never really got to say hello or goodbye to him

Do you have a story?

Let me ask you this. Do you care? What is your Dad to you if you never met him? A stranger like the billions of other people in the world.

I think biological connections are often significantly over-rated. The people you know and care about in your life are more of a family than he was, even if you don't share blood.

 

[dxm8975]

My story is different from most of yours, but considering how large families over here are, I keep discovering new relatives from the Addu (South Maldivian) side of my family, on a near-monthly basis. Some of them are extremely distant, and some of them are apparently quite closely related to me

In fact, my girlfriend is a relative of mine, to put it in short: my grandpa's cousin is married to one of her aunts (though thankfully, this won't render a marriage null)

And just recently, I discovered that her best friend + her 7 siblings and I are 5th cousins

So yeah, my distant relatives would probably number over 1000, and I keep discovering them all the time

Really? I can't imagine of us having as many as 1000 relatives around us.. Is that common in other Indian-related families(other than Maldivians) too?

Though I've heard in Japan people with rare surnames(less than about 50 households in the whole country) have more possibility of having distant relatives consanguineous to the person...

 

[zedextreme8177]

^ It's difficult to track down all of our relatives, as some are extremely distant, almost to the point where we could consider them as utter strangers.

And yes, South-Asian families are typically very large, so there can be a great deal of relatives

 

[AOS-]

I don't know a good number of family members... I don't really like the rest of them either. Dad's side of the family are big-talking biased people, and Mom's side consist of overly-paranoid lecturing folks.

 

[Nurburgthing.]

I'm 30 and have just found out that the person who I thought was my dad is most probably not.

I have seen pictures of my "real dad" and its like looking into a time mirror.

The only way that I can contact him right now is through FaceBook and I don't know what to do.

Its a very strange feeling, no matter how much i try to bury my emotions, they always come out in anger or sadness.

I feel sorry for my poor GF who has to put up with it all.

I will make some sort of move sooner rather than later.

I also know that he has a proper family now, something that I never had growing up. I don't want to ruin his life.

Never thought i'd be talking about this on GTP.

 

[Lizard]

My real grandparents as my dad was adopted. There is something that makes me think they are not british.

 

[Danoff]

I'm 30 and have just found out that the person who I thought was my dad is most probably not.

I have seen pictures of my "real dad" and its like looking into a time mirror.

The only way that I can contact him right now is through FaceBook and I don't know what to do.

Its a very strange feeling, no matter how much i try to bury my emotions, they always come out in anger or sadness.

I feel sorry for my poor GF who has to put up with it all.

I will make some sort of move sooner rather than later.

I also know that he has a proper family now, something that I never had growing up. I don't want to ruin his life.

Never thought i'd be talking about this on GTP.

If the dude you thought was your Dad was someone who was there for you and raised you to adulthood, he's your Dad. Doesn't matter if he's related to you or not.

What would you hope to achieve by contacting this guy you don't know who is related to you? If the answer is "I hated the guy I thought was my biological father, and I need/want a father figure in my life, and the guy I thought was my Dad can never give that to me. I'm hoping that my biological father will be willing to accept that role", then that's fine. Otherwise I'm not sure what the point would be.

The more I think about it, the more I think this thread is kindof a built-in oxymoron. How can someone be considered family if you don't know them?


Edit:

For full disclosure, I have two axes to grind in this conversation. One is that I'm not a big fan of my own biological father who was impressively checked out and may as well be unrelated to me. Another is that I plan on adopting at some point, and I would hope that my future adopted kids would be smart enough to recognize that the guy who raised them is their "real" father and family. Not someone who happens to share genes.

 

[Famine]

Not someone who happens to share genes.

That's only important for two reasons - knowing your blood group and knowing what you're likely to get a bit of when you're old (unless it's really bad, in which case what you're likely to get before you get too old).

The brain by far outweighs the body in what defines you as a person and who you are around moulds your brain far more than someone who's never there. And, don't forget, I'm a geneticist!


For reference, I have a ten year old daughter and a nearly-born daughter. One's biologically mine, one isn't. They'll both be my daughters.

Fathering a child is rarely tricky (sadly, in Dan's case, it is). Being a dad is a lot harder.

 

[Nurburgthing.]

If the dude you thought was your Dad was someone who was there for you and raised you to adulthood, he's your Dad. Doesn't matter if he's related to you or not.

I should have mentioned, my so called biological dad has never been a part of my life.

He left before I was 1. I met him a few times in my early teens, he dissapeared for a bit.

I spotted him in the street and we arranged to meet. He then stood me up.

That killed me inside for many years, I was only 14 at the time.

I have never had a proper father figure in my life, just stepdads.

Although, my mums current BF is a cool dude and he has been there for me at times. He has been a part of my life for about 10 years now.

 

[Danoff]

I can almost guarantee you that having a relationship with your biological father is not as important as you think it is. At age 30, you're probably thinking more about what kind of father you can/will be than about needing a father figure in your life. If your mom's current BF has been around for 10 years, he's doing way better than your bio dad.

That's only important for two reasons - knowing your blood group and knowing what you're likely to get a bit of when you're old (unless it's really bad, in which case what you're likely to get before you get too old).

I tend to think this gets a little more attention than it should too. In a perfect world people would know what their parents and grandparents were suffering from and apply it to their own lives. In my experience, either that information gets withheld because it's embarrassing, or someone didn't feel like sharing, or... more likely... you have the information and you don't act on it because it's spotty in the family history, skips a generation etc. etc. In extreme cases it would be obvious and highly beneficial. But for most people I think it's overplayed. My sister is in the process of getting diagnosed with lupus (we have a family history of it). Problem is the lupus has shown up as a few different things and misses most of the family. So she didn't put 2 and 2 together to recognize warning signs early on anyway. Wasn't until she presented with obvious signs that it got noticed, the family history was basically just a facepalm moment.

 

[Famine]

I have never had a proper father figure in my life, just stepdads.

I'd ask my daughter to post about how much she thinks her stepdad is a proper father figure (given that she doesn't use the word "step" to describe me), but she's ten and that'd be a COPPA issue...

I tend to think this gets a little more attention than it should too. In a perfect world people would know what their parents and grandparents were suffering from and apply it to their own lives. In my experience, either that information gets withheld because it's embarrassing, or someone didn't feel like sharing, or... more likely... you have the information and you don't act on it because it's spotty in the family history, skips a generation etc. etc. In extreme cases it would be obvious and highly beneficial. But for most people I think it's overplayed. My sister is in the process of getting diagnosed with lupus (we have a family history of it). Problem is the lupus has shown up as a few different things and misses most of the family. So she didn't put 2 and 2 together to recognize warning signs early on anyway. Wasn't until she presented with obvious signs that it got noticed, the family history was basically just a facepalm moment.

Oh yeah, I'm not talking about neurofibromatosis or androgen insensitivity syndrome - stuff like that you tend to find out about when you're very young indeed and in and out of hospital or have no penis. More stuff like when you get to our age and notice that the top of your head is getting more sunburn, or that your hips and knees seem to have stopped working. Comes as less of a surprise that way.

 

[Nurburgthing.]

I hear what you're saying guys.

My (step)dad is really cool and I do look to him for certain things.

Its mainly curiosity and a deep, sub conscious longing for some sort of stability or normality in my life. I know it won't fix everything but, I would like to meet him and, he has a right to know that I exist.

I don't want anything material or emotional from him, it just feels like pieces of a puzzle that needs to be put together.

Thanks for your words guys. It makes a change to talk to someone different (even though you're strangers).

 

[Danoff]

Its mainly curiosity and a deep, sub conscious longing for some sort of stability or normality in my life. I know it won't fix everything but, I would like to meet him and, he has a right to know that I exist.

Definitely don't do it for his benefit. He chose this route.

I don't want anything material or emotional from him, it just feels like pieces of a puzzle that needs to be put together.

I understand what you're saying. This is foremost in my mind with regards to adopting. I fully expect my future adopted children to one day go on some sort of misguided vision quest to find their biological parents that gave them up out of some sort of bizarre notion that it will complete something in their lives that isn't really broken.

Granted your situation is not that one. But the sentiment is something that bugs me and poisons me against adoption. I've talked to enough people in this situation to know that this is something I need to make peace with before I choose to adopt.

 

[Nurburgthing.]

Definitely don't do it for his benefit. He chose this route.

Sorry, not being clear again. He doesn't know I exist AT ALL.

If I was to contact him, it would solely be for my benefit.

I feel like its something I should do. If he doesn't want to know me, at least then i'd have some sort of closure (as opposed to being stood up at 14, made me think "what have I done?").

Good luck with adopting a child. There should be more people in this world who should want to. Too many parentless children in this world.
If you adopt them at a young enough age, you can decide whether or not they know they are. Unless they are a completely different race, creed or colour to you and your partner. Then its a dead give away.

 

[Danoff]

Sorry, not being clear again. He doesn't know I exist AT ALL.

This threw me off.

I spotted him in the street and we arranged to meet. He then stood me up.

If I was to contact him, it would solely be for my benefit.

I feel like its something I should do. If he doesn't want to know me, at least then i'd have some sort of closure (as opposed to being stood up at 14, made me think "what have I done?").

I'll tell you a story that kills me every time I think about it. A friend of mine was adopted along with her twin sister. She loves her adoptive parents like crazy. She has a WAY better relationship with them than I do with my parents. Her sister is the same way. Well, her sister went through the process of tracking down their biological parents and found them. They decided that they should contact their bio parents even though they knew it would absolutely destroy their adoptive parents if they found out. They decided to keep it a secret. The reason they wanted to contact them? Because they had a right to know that the twins had had wonderful childhoods and were successful and happy and that everything had worked out. They wanted to make sure that their bio mom didn't have any misgivings about giving them up.

They made contact only to find out that they were a well-kept secret that new spouses and children didn't know anything about. The road to hell is paved with good intentions?

There is something fundamental that anyone who doesn't have contact with their biological parents thinks they're lacking. As someone who has plenty of contact with his biological parents I can tell you that the guy who has been with your mom for that last 10 years is the one I'd put money on as the one you should concentrate on.

 

[Nurburgthing.]

They made contact only to find out that they were a well-kept secret that new spouses and children didn't know anything about. The road to hell is paved with good intentions?

This is what i'm worried about. The thing is, i'm sort of a secret to him as he doesn't know about me.

As for being stood up, that was the person who was supposed to be my real dad. Not the guy I've found out about recently (last 2 months or so).

 

[SRV2LOW4ME]

Yeah, tons.

Went to a family reunion at a camp site with a lake/beach area. Went swimming for most of the day and met this cute blonde and started talking with her, which lead to flirting and thankfully nothing more...turns out she was at the camp grounds for the same reason I was, literally. Turned out to be my moms cousins daughter...Let my friend keep talking to her the rest of the day while I just sat on the beach feeling awkward.

 

[E28]

I don't really know my grandmother, since she's lived in Cyprus for about 6 years and has only just moved back. The person who I see as my gran is actually my step-gran.

If you adopt them at a young enough age, you can decide whether or not they know they are. Unless they are a completely different race, creed or colour to you and your partner. Then its a dead give away.

Well, if I adopted, then I would definitely make sure they knew and understood that I'm not biologically related, and would completely understand if they wanted to try and find their bio-parents. After all, curiosity is in human nature.

 

[Dennisch]

I don't know my father's side of the family.

The only uncle who I ever talked to died 2 years ago, and my other uncle, never talked to him, in fact, I just found out who he was 3 years ago.

My grandfather died when I was very young, I have only 1 memory of him, when he was at my birthday, and my grandma went a nuts and my parents never took me to her.

 

[photonrider]

Nurburgthing - Members of the same family are not always born under the same roof.

As well - familiarity makes people family. So yes, talking it out with your GTPlanet 'family' is not strange at all.

 

[W3H5]

My entire Irish family don't know me. They know I exist but we've never spoken or anything. My dad's dad died when my dad was a kid so even my dad only found out he had a grandma, brothers and what not about 10 years ago. He's been to see them but I have no idea who they are and vice-versa.

Edit: She knows me but I haven't seen my mum in 3 years. Too busy working. My half sister in the UK also, she was a little baby when I left for China.

 

[NA]

Don't know most of my father's side of the family. Don't know much about anybody beyond my dad's brothers, neither being stable, and contact largely avoided has a result, though I have seen my grandfather and grandmother a number of times.
This was my parents choice and has something to do with my having High Funtioning Autism, stemming from dad's side, and the apparent inherent belief by much of dad's family that such things can be "cured" by a proper southern church.
Never mind that amongst other benifits, I started playing complex piano pieces by age four (without lessons, apparently according to grandma, a sign of "demon possesion". lol), met qualification standards for MENSA when tested in third grade, and can quickly become a walking encyclopedia of anything that draws enough of my interest at any given time. Relevant as I don't really think that these are things that need to be "cured". Sure, the drawback is difficulty in some areas, dealing with people mostly, and some other areas, but the positives outweigh the negatives, and I don't need some nutball relatives messing with my head because of ignorance combined with personal and or mental issues.
Point being, My parents saw to it that I have been kept from certain relatives for what I would agree is a very valid reason, and except for the occassional idle passing thought, when subjects of this sort come up, I have no real interest in changing the situation.