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>----- A Guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're boollshoottin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."
number two
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
THREE
boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
> > when he didn't show up for work one day. Having an urgent problem with
> > one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and
> > was greeted with a child's whisper.
> > > "Hello."
> > > "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
> > > "Yes," whispered the small voice.
> > > May I talk with him?"
> > > The child whispered, "No."
> > > Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
> > Mommy there?"
> > > "Yes."
> > > "May I talk with her?"
> > > Again the small voice whispered, "No."
> > > Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
> > asked "Is anybody else there?"
> > > "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
> > > Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
> > asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
> > > "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
> > > "Busy doing what?"
> > > "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
> > > Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
> > the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
> > > "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
> > > "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
> > > Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
> > helicopter."
> > > Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
> > searching for?"
> > > Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
> > > "ME."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're boollshoottin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."
number two
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
THREE
boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
> > when he didn't show up for work one day. Having an urgent problem with
> > one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and
> > was greeted with a child's whisper.
> > > "Hello."
> > > "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
> > > "Yes," whispered the small voice.
> > > May I talk with him?"
> > > The child whispered, "No."
> > > Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
> > Mommy there?"
> > > "Yes."
> > > "May I talk with her?"
> > > Again the small voice whispered, "No."
> > > Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
> > asked "Is anybody else there?"
> > > "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
> > > Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
> > asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
> > > "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
> > > "Busy doing what?"
> > > "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
> > > Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
> > the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
> > > "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
> > > "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
> > > Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
> > helicopter."
> > > Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
> > searching for?"
> > > Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
> > > "ME."
