funniest thing you have heard someone say

[millencolin]

What is the funniest thing you have heard somebody say?

the funniest thing i have heard someone say was quoted by my mate Adam taylor

we were walking between classes and, being the sarcastic turds that we are, were making sarcastic jokes. Then he pipes up with.............


"I VALUE PENIS OVER OXYGEN"

 

[Duke]

One time when we were at the parts store getting a can of starting ether for my old car, the clerk asked us if we wanted a bag. My wife (not even g/f at that time) piped up with "No, thanks, we'll drink it on the way home."

I think I knew I was interested at her at that moment.

 

[wee_man]

Originally posted by neon_duke
One time when we were at the parts store getting a can of starting ether for my old car, the clerk asked us if we wanted a bag. My wife (not even g/f at that time) piped up with "No, thanks, we'll drink it on the way home."

I think I knew I was interested at her at that moment.

Wow it sounds like you know all the romantic spots to take the lady's neon .

Can't think of the funniest thing I've heard soemone say. Though recently a mate of mine said, "yea she two years younger than me, and I'm seeing her, but I'm not a peaodiphile." just randomly, whilsty we were talking about his new girl in toe.

Also whilst on a bus in Brighton, me and my mates were going down to the sea front. There was this 20 or so year old at the front who was pretending to be a tour guide. Just some random bloke. And as we were driving along, the bus driver pulled over and picked someone up at a bus stop. The bloke turned round and said to the young lady who got on, "ahh, I don't think you're on the list, but you can join the group any way." and the bus driver ignored it whilst the rest of us on the bus burst out laughing. He then pulled out a map and said "right now we're off to this girls house, who I pulled last night. Lets go bus driver,". He said all of this in a posh English accent, and at the time the lot of us were on the floor in stiches.

 

[Sage]

Hmmm... it'd be hard to pin the funniest thing I've heard, though a few make my list:

(Background information: For those of you who have ever traveled on Korean Air, you'd know that their trademark dinners are a plate of chicken, or beef prepared in some obscure way.) Anyway, my friend and I have both traveled Korean Air a lot, because both of us have parents from Thailand. So, one day in Algebra he just blurted out "Chicken or beef?" in a Korean flight attendant accent, and we both burst out laughing. It's one of those inside-joke context-sensitive kind of things.

The same friend also came upon this on a Spanish I worksheet:
  - Yo tengo un fiebre.
  - Sí, me gusta el pan.

Run it through a translator if you need to.

Also, on Halloween Tim said something that made me laugh so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. I'll let him elaborate.

 

[Timmotheus]

Originally posted by Sage
Also, on Halloween Tim said something that made me laugh so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. I'll let him elaborate.

Yes. You should have seen me later in the day, when I was trying. I'm extraordinarily witty about one day a month. Outside of that, I'm boring as hell.
Anyway, the teacher was asking Haloween riddles in Chemistry. One of them was: "it whistles through the trees, whispering, touching your spine, chilling you." The answer was "the wind" of course, but I, being the quick thinker that I am, answered "Barbara Streisand" in a completely serious, deadpan tone. Shame I didn't say it loud enough for the whole class, or even the teacher, to hear. I had a couple of brilliant witticisms that day, but they are too offensive to post here. Especially if you like Jesse Jackson, the dumb ****.
I'm not actually quite as conceited as I come across in this post. I exagerrated a little, just because it seems like Sage forced me to brag about myself, which precludes modesty. Unless, of course, you're a politician and do that sort of thing for a living.

 

[Bollocks#999]

My sister saying " I dont want to get that Prostate cancer"

Funniest thing Ive heard, ever

 

[Belethdolien]

i was talkin to my best friend, dont remember what it was about, but sudenly she said "you know what they say, its bad luck to get hit by 13 jugernauts (sp)" i laughed for half an hour..

 

[Der Alta]

I'd have to say the funniest thing I've ever heard is one my brother came up with.

We were picking up something at Walmart, can't recall what but it's of no consequence. While making our purchase the elderly lady pushing the buttons, looks hard at both of for a few moments and asks "Are you guys twins?"

My brother dead pans back "Why? is it a fantasy of yours?"

The absolute shock and confusion that echoed across this womans face as she tried desperatly to compose her self still makes me laugh to this day.

We walked out quietly without a fuss or another word.

AO

 

[under18carbon]

 

[/<atana]

well it was on the bus, dis gay gye called ben was hugging people for food, and i sed 'wow wat a gay gye' then the kid that gave him food sed 'its so good' then we all acused him of being gay for wanting to see to men hug. then i some 1 else sed 'thats not nice hes just hungry' then my best freind sed 'yeah hungry for men'

He tried to hug me but pushed him of and hid up the front of the bus

he also sings its raining me for food to

 

[Ghost C]

Originally posted by /<atana
well it was on the bus, dis gay gye called ben was hugging people for food, and i sed 'wow wat a gay gye' then the kid that gave him food sed 'its so good' then we all acused him of being gay for wanting to see to men hug. then i some 1 else sed 'thats not nice hes just hungry' then my best freind sed 'yeah hungry for men'

He tried to hug me but pushed him of and hid up the front of the bus

he also sings its raining me for food to

 

[Bollocks#999]

Had this story related to me yesterday:

A bloke staggers out of the pub, barely able to move, funbling in his pocket for a set of car keys
Eventually finds his key, stumbles over to a car and tries to open the door, unable to do so continues on to the next car, still no luck
Finally gets to a car that accepts his key gets in starts the car up and makes to move off
Police scream up out of nowhere, lights and siren going flat out, and pull him over
They ask him to blow in the breatho and are highly confused when the reading comes back .00
The coppers then ask the fella whats going on and he replies,

I'm the designated decoy



I was almost crying with laughter from this one

 

[milefile]

I've heard some funny jokes before. Those things were all pretty funny. In fact, the funniest thing I've ever heard was probably a joke.

 

[Shadow Drifter]

Funniest things said huh? Hmm.....well
Fast Honda and Ford Racing are the funniest things I've ever heard.

 

[Ghost C]

Just about everything here is hilarious to look at

 

[miata13B]

Originally posted by Bollocks#999
Had this story related to me yesterday:

A bloke staggers out of the pub, barely able to move, funbling in his pocket for a set of car keys
Eventually finds his key, stumbles over to a car and tries to open the door, unable to do so continues on to the next car, still no luck
Finally gets to a car that accepts his key gets in starts the car up and makes to move off
Police scream up out of nowhere, lights and siren going flat out, and pull him over
They ask him to blow in the breatho and are highly confused when the reading comes back .00
The coppers then ask the fella whats going on and he replies,

I'm the designated decoy



I was almost crying with laughter from this one

That's funny, I used that joke all the time, so now I tell my friends after hearing that joke that I am the Designated Drunk.

I can't put a pin on the funniest thing I have heard but this is one of the ones that came up when I first saw this thread. My buddy Derek and I were talking one night back when we were roommates. We were talking about our women woos and he suddenly busts out saying, "I have always wanted to run into a Chinesse restraunt with two dead cats, Slam them on the counter and scream No Money No Cat!"