Help with a friend

  • Thread starter Thread starter McLaren
  • 26 comments
  • 862 views
McLaren

McLaren

Premium
Messages
46,755
United States
Texas
Sadly, a good friend mind has gone down a terrible path.
She has begun slitting her wrists again, after promising not to.

Even worse, she will not tell me or another friend why. Her only statement is she doesn't want to talk about it.
We've threatened to let her mother know, but she's only a little afraid.

It mostly started after her friend left that she hadn't seen in years. But we can't confirm it, and only assume that.
We also think she might be doing it for attention or that's what I think as she starts to smile when I bring it up.


I guess it's true though. It's always the ones you never expect. I really care for her, and people have told me to either
A)Leave her alone or
B)Keep pushing at it.

If I leave her alone, she'll continue to do it, but if I keep pushing, she'll be pissed and won't talk to me.


I need some serious help guys, as I don't know what to do.
I was going to post this on another forum, but since the you all are some of the most mature folks I know, I'd figure it'd be better to ask here.

Thank you all for any and all advice.:guilty:
 
Maybe it's just me, but if she is still living at home, let he mom know what she is doing. That's what parents are for. If she is out on her own and you want to help her, get ahold of a hotline/help group and see what they say. They deal with that all the time and know the bes ways to handle the situation.
 
Tell her that you (and your other friend) are worried that she *might* end up killing herself and that you don't want to lose her. Telling her straight is the best way IMO.
 
GTRacer4
Tell her that you (and your other friend) are worried that she *might* end up killing herself and that you don't want to lose her. Telling her straight is the best way IMO.
Click to expand...

Kind of exagerated. But what he and TB said, you should try it
 
TB
Maybe it's just me, but if she is still living at home, let he mom know what she is doing. That's what parents are for. If she is out on her own and you want to help her, get ahold of a hotline/help group and see what they say. They deal with that all the time and know the bes ways to handle the situation.
Click to expand...
She lives with her mom yes, but I don't want her to get pissed at me.
 
She'll be mad at you now for interfering and mad at you later for watching her on this path of self-destruction.

IMO, if she doesn't want to talk about what's bothering her (and you can't figure it out) try to do things or talk about things to take her mind of whatever pain she's going through.

Sorry for the brief and poorly thought out reply...........
 
dbartucci
She'll be mad at you now for interfering and mad at you later for watching her on this path of self-destruction.

IMO, if she doesn't want to talk about what's bothering her (and you can't figure it out) try to do things or talk about things to take her mind of whatever pain she's going through.

Sorry for the brief and poorly thought out reply...........
Click to expand...
I've been thinking of ways, really, to get to the problem by talking about things like it.

I guess I should also mention that after classes, she seems perfectly fine and dandy. :confused:
 
OK, look at it this way. Imagine how you would feel if she did end up killing herself and you didnt do anything. Imagine how her mum would feel knowing you didnt tell her.
As a parent I would be devastated if I found out later that my child had been 'crying' for help and no one ever told me.
You may lose a friend initially by telling but when she is well she will thank you, better than losing a friend for ever. Tell her mum. Don't know her age or yours but if she is at school you could talk to a school counsellor, local doctor, help line. This isnt something you can handle on your own.
 
^Bingo, you have to think outside the box, there's more to it than what she might think of you afterwards and even if you think you can handle it on your own, you need to tell someone, especially her mum.
 
Well, I gotta say, your best bet is to have a good chat with her and talk about her problem. Make her know she's wanted and that you don't want anything bad to happen to her. What kind of severity is her cutting? Is it directly to the vein in the wrist or is she just cutting wherever in no particular motive. If you've seen the show Intervention they have an episode where they do an intervention on a young woman who cut herself pretty severely. Is it that bad? Anyways, try to get her around people alot, being out and about with other people is possibly the best thing you can do for a person like that.
 
I've gone through with a family member who did this whole thing...

If they're doing it all for attention, ignore them. They want the attention so they don't even have it in them to actually go all the way. They'll realize they're missing the attention when you end up ignoring them and they'll say they took 9 advils and some shots of JD. You take them to the hospital and they have a crappy time drinking charcoal and having counselors talk down to them. They don't do it again, at least for a while. They would only do it again because they aren't getting the attention where they normally do (parents/friends), which means that the problem is far deeper than first imagined.

This only works if you are sure they are doing it for the attention.
 
Right now, I am giving her her space. They arent too severe, but its still something that needs to be looked at.

We're afraid her parents won't do anything but make it worse, but we aren't sure.

Talking to her hasn't work b/c we can not force her to talk about it. We've only gone with the option to leave her be, and try to make her feel loved.

We think she may feel alone as she did leave old friends up north, but she hasn't learned the fact of moving on.

I, sadly, have, and know the pain, and will once again face it once more in my life.
 
I had a friend that did this, too. The following are the steps I took, and what happened:

1: Confront her about it angrily. "Why the hell would you do something so utterly retarded to yourself?!" She may not like the reaction, but if she is doing it for attention, she'll see that you don't find her "dramatic" or "deep", but instead completely moronic. The reaction we got from said friend was a twisted shrug and a meek "I don't know..."

2: Tell her parents. If she doesn't like it, too bad. She's endangering her life and your concern obviously means very little to her if she's going to continue doing it despite your worries. Let her see that if she's going to be bull-headed and insist on hurting herself with no regard to how it makes her loved ones feel, that you can be bull-headed, too, and are willing to do whatever it takes to stop her from destroying herself. She refused to talk to us in school, but we made the message clear.

3: If she STILL insists on not telling you why she does it, then tell her straight up. "I don't want to talk to you anymore. I can't stand to see the way you're mutilating yourself. If you honestly choose a sharp object over your friends as far as therapy goes, then you can have it. If you're still alive when you're done being a moron, you know my phone number. Until then, I'm ashamed to be seen with you." Let her know how selfish it is to just kill yourself without thinking about how it will effect your loved ones. People will miss you. Your mom will be destroyed. Think of how many people you'll drag down with you.

By step three everything worked out for us. She stopped with the nonsense (that she was doing to get her step-dad's attention) and she felt completely stupid for jeapordizing her friendship - and more importantly her life - over something so stupid. I can't predict the future and say this will work for you, but this is what my friends and I did, and it worked out.

If you're sympathetic about this sort of thing, you'll only feed the fire.
 
Thanks Ten.

It's very good advice, and the only thing I need to get over is the fear of her not speaking to me.
 
My friend wouldn't talk to me for a month when I told her mom. Her mother explained to her, though, that if I was just trying to be a jerk, I wouldn't have said anything and just let her hurt herself.

In time, if she's smart, she'll know you care.
 
I know from experience its hard, but keep pushing her, and if she gets pissed tell her parents, she'll thank you later. Really sucks, a situation like that. :( Good luck...
 
I went through this problem with a friend of mine a few months ago. I'm pretty sure his were attention seeking ones because he'd come on msn and say things like "Wow, it's dripping on the floor" and just other stupid things. His problem was that because he's a fairly dark and gothic kid I guess you'd call it, he was always thinking worst case senario saying that he has no future and nobody cares about what he does and whatnot. I know the situation you're in and I almost couldn't handle it. It puts so much stress on you because if you don't help they might kill themselves, if you do help but say the wrong thing, they could do it aswell.

I eventually just told him that I have done everything I can think of to try and help him, he should go and see someone about it but still remember that I'm always there to talk to if he needs it. It seems to have stopped.
 
*McLaren*
She lives with her mom yes, but I don't want her to get pissed at me.
Click to expand...

Simple question : Would you rather have her pissed at you and alive, or dead. You've got to tell someone who can help. She's not alone in doing this to herself and there are people who can help. Something is troubling her and NOBODY should have to go through life alone.
 
*McLaren*
She lives with her mom yes, but I don't want her to get pissed at me.
Click to expand...
No matter what you do, she WILL be pissed - I'm also willing to bet my left nut that she will get over it. Especially if it helps her get better....

If it was me, I'd tell her mom straight away as priority numero uno and then take it from there... She needs to know, most of all...
 
I think she doesn't have any reason to be pissed whatsoever. Think of the parents, they don't know that their child is this close to suicide.
To be honest, I would react immediatly and show her she's the dumbest moron on the world for slitting her wrist. Dont feel compasionate cause she will like the attention.
Honestly, I don't think she's prepared for that, she won't have a chance to be angry cause she'll immediatly realise how friggin dumb it is to slit your wrist.

Instead of showing her you really care, show her she's really retarded but also keep saying that there's a way out. You don't want her to feel isolated, but make her feel retarded at the same time. Don't go all compasionate if you ask me. And if she gets angry you must immediatly "surpress" her anger and tell her she's the last one that has a right to be angry now. Don't ask me if thats true or not, I just think that is the best way.

I have zero experience with this though, but somehow if I would be in that position I would get scared of ever doing that again. She needs to be scared of doing that again, cause she's too used to slitting her wrist right now.
I'm curious if more people agree with this, cause I might be very very wrong. But I don't think anything else will help.
 
I agree that showing compassion will only feed her the attention she might be seeking. Attention she needs, but not in a positive way. She needs to know how selfish and moronic she's being.

Tell the parents. Do it now.
 
DO everything you can to stop her. Persist. Be an annoying bastard. Piss her off if you need to. If this person is important to you, you have to do this. She may never speak to you again, but odds are one day she'll come around and thank you for it.

The bottom line is that if you aren't willing to put 100% effort into this, and if you aren't willing to go all the way and never back out, you're better off leaving her to her own devices, since the more effort you put into helping her, the more disappointed you will be if she doesn't stop and you quit.
 
I didn't really get to strict with her, but I did go to church last night to see her, and gladly, got a few smiles and laughs out of her.

But as said, I didn't get mad, but I did tell her I cared and that I was there if she needed me. I don't see anything new, and the cuts do seem to have healed rather fast.

But I'll believe she is alright when she stops wearing long-sleve shirts again.
 
What an idiot. Stupid girls.

I wish I had a friend. Tell her that.
 
Things have strangely turned around today.

She seemed to be in the greatest mood of her life, not having a care in the world. Hell, she was singing! I can't remember the last time she started randomly singing.

But I know something isn't right. How does someone do something that wrong many days ago, suddenly turn around, loose their shyness, and become the most chative person ever?

I'll admit, I love seeing her this way, but no one changes that fast, or do they?
 
I may be wrong, but I see two possible meanings to this, if there is a corelation:

- She's happy after getting the attention she wanted. (I guess you can see why this is really bad)

- Worst case scenario: perhaps she feels good at the thought of a strong solution that would put an end to the issue.

You're obviously in a better place to judge if that applies, or if there are other possibilities. Either way, I'll second (or twenty-third) the suggestion to tell her parents. If her reaction bothers you, she doens't have to know it's you who told them, it can be her mother that "discover" it by having a look at her arms. Tell her mother that you want to stay close to support her, and you don't want to ruin your friendship, she'll understand.
 
She was on energy pills today, and as much as I loved seeing her happy, I didn't want to see it that way.:indiff:
 
Back