How is one to handle adultery?

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NocturnalPS

NocturnalPS

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XRaptor529
My partner of 6 years wife of 2 dropped the bomb on me this past Friday. She wants to be with her co worker she said and has been with him on a few occasions. The story goes much much deeper but just wonder if anyone else has been on the crap end of this before.
Pretty much the one and only emotion I’ve encountered with this is lots of anger. 3 days have passed and I feel less and less of an attachment to her now. Today were going to the courts to file the paper work for a divorce. I’m surprised as to how civil she has been. She knows she’s in the wrong and can’t take back what she had done. As for me I will never take her back. My friends and family have helped a lot this weekend. Without them I don’t know where I would be thank god for them. I said my peace anyone wish to reply with any similar stories or comments or more advice?
 
Well at least you're angry and have your pride. That's a good thing.

If you can afford it, just get rid of her.
 
Get busy, buddy.
Take advantage of this blessing in disguise and be selfish. Indulge in anything you fancy.

A long-time friend of mine realised just how much he'd been missing out on due to getting married so young (21). His first treat to himself was a TVR Chim, followed by a quality pool table and several vintage guitars.

Most importantly, he has learnt from his mistakes (being brutally honest - he was a doormat for her) and is now a much better person. A great laugh and would now certainly be sadly missed if, for whatever reason, he left our friendship group.

Be thankful that your time together is finishing so cleanly and move on. Try new things, meet new people.
Oh, and always remember: Mates before dates! As you know, when everything falls apart, they are the ones who pick you up and slap you on the back.
 
So Sorry to hear about this unfolding of events. Noc, take a bit and look back at teh past 6 years and see if it there was something you could have done different that would have changed the outcome. If you come up with nothing, you will know that this isn't your fault nor your decision.

If you do find something talk with family about it and gauge their reaction. I didn't have my family to turn to when I hit a few road bumps in my marriage and it forced me to turn to my wife and talk about what was going on. We never seperated or "Took Time Off" from each other, so it is a bit different from your situation.

I can relate that my wife blamed me for the problems and nearly a year later after talking more and more about what happened, she does realize that there were problems that both of us had. She loved to say she had "quirks" in her personality. She's come to realize that those "quirks" were not laughing matters from my perspective.

Being a woman, her emotional rollercoaster has higher highs and lower lows combined with a much more rapid descent and ascent, than I. This makes calm discussion tougher. The good news is that she was willing to talk about it.

Neither one of us has been adulteruous in the relationship, so it's still different than yours.

I can say that Nothing she does will stop the sun from coming up tomorrow morning. There will be another day and the suffering and anger you feel will eventually subside.

I wish you patience and resolve in your actions and emotions in the upcoming months.

If you need an escape for a week, the best I can offer is Duke's spare bedroom as you'd have to share mine with a few Cockatoos. :D

Chin-up, they're all crazy. You just hope to find one that's not as crazy as the rest.
 
Are drugs and alcohol involved? I know a couple who went through this kind of situation, but the wife was a major alcoholic and they rationalized that the adultery was the result of it. Of course, Florida is a no-fault state so I imagine that helped the rationalization a little bit. :lol: Anyway, they have since reconciled and become sober and are expecting a baby now. So, you never know.

However, adultery despite a healthy relationship (determined as DA put it) is a bit different and you may have more esteem than to deal with that ****. Like I said, if you're angry but not despairing, then that's good. I'm close with a cuckold who's spent a lot of time just recovering from it all and finding his nerve and regaining his pride. It can be difficult but it all depends on how you go about it.
 
Adultery is an addiction, chances are once they've walked down that path they'll do it again. Usually it has nothing to do with what the partener has or hasn't done, it's the thrill of the hunt. They are repeat offenders.

Anything suggested may be to early to be useful. Until your anger and other emotions level a bit, your possibly not able to soak up anything that will actually help it make sense right now. Ride it out and make decisions when your are feeling like you can step forward.
Whatever way you decide to handle this, stay true to yourself and make sure you look after you. Remember we all have to live with our actions.

Don't know if this is any help and we all deal with things differently, so find yourself with trusted ones and hey, GT5 is coming.
 
Once a cheat, always a cheat IMO.

Be the bigger person and walk away, chances are she'll come to realise in a few years what she's lost and try to return to you. Whatever you do, don't take her back.

Fortunately for you, her adultery means she isn't entitled to any of your assets when you do finally divorce.

It's a horribly painful thing to have happen to you, but you seem to have a good network of support there for you :)
 
Thanks guys. Most of what has been said I've heard from friends and family already. It was more of the way of out of the blue.

I do know that my problem was and is that it’s very hard for me to talk and communicate but I try my best at it when we do, she knew this from the start.
The guy she fell for is good at what I was not, communication. I know that played an influence on her actions. (Did I mention this guy is married with two kids?) I just didn’t see something like this happening just because of my lack of communication skills.

I just don’t know what this guy said to dazzle her. He is definitely not a looker. I got pictures of the dude and seen him in person just once. Plus my friends and her now ex friends all agree what the hell she was thinking when she chose to sleep with the guy.

I do feel after talking with her she is truly sorry for what she’s done. She’s not even sure if the guy really liked her or was just trying to get in her pants. At least that’s what she told me. I really don’t see the guy leaving his wife and kids for Ede though.

I figured that the last 5 of the 6 years we were together was worth something. I’m giving her the car that’s paid off. The bed set we had together, the dog, letting her keep the rings, and I’m making her pay for the bank loan we just got together and making her pay for the court fees. No lawyers involved. I’m keeping the truck and house and pretty much everything else. She has her family to take her in. Even though they are very disappointed in her but they are still her family.
 
Milford Cubicle
Fortunately for you, her adultery means she isn't entitled to any of your assets when you do finally divorce.
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Unless you live in a stupid No-Fault state whereby any termination of state-recognized marriage is grounds for assets split down the middle.

And PS, it sounds like you have a good support system just with your network of friends alone. If her friends are even on your side, then I'm sure they will take care of you and possibly help you find a better girl down the road if you're interested in pursuing another relationship.
 
Noc, it sounds like you're being very mature about it despite the pain and betrayal you must be feeling. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

I've always told my wife that I will never cheat on her and expect the same in return. I can understand the idea of wanderlust, but a person needs to be a mature and fair adult about it. If you want someone else, be fair and quit the current relationship before you commit the cheating. At the very least, pre-warn your partner so they have the same opportunity as you are taking. Anything else is an immature attempt to have your cake and eat it too, and to deny whatever real issue that is causing you to cheat.

Of course you'd be welcome to my pull-out couch as volunteered above, but it seems like you have a Plan B already.

Best of luck to you in recovery and moving forward. If you have trouble communicating then I am impressed by the effort you've put forth here to talk to strangers. We're here to talk, advise, listen, and commiserate any way we can.
 
💡! Have you seen any Cold Case Files, 48 Hour Hard Evidence ;), no don't take me seriously there. The best I can think of, as impossible as it may seem, laugh, smile, and forget but don't forgive. And your on the right track so far please don't take her back that's the worse thing next to forgiving her in my opinion. You seem to have a good support of friends and family I say you'll be just fine in no time bud :)!
 
A friend of mine broke up with his partner after she had slept with a close friend of his - and he certainly was no looker. Although they eventually reconciled, they never got back together as a couple - and needless to say, the former close friend was blamed for the incident...

As a mutual friend of all parties involved, I and several others were expected to ostracize the bloke, but at the same time respect their decision to remain friends with each other. I mention this only in passing, but this caused alot of friction and was an unexpected source of stress for all involved, which IMO was entirely pointless - it was even a factor in the break-up of his next relationship. In this case, using a partner's adultery as the basis for a loyalty test for your friends, or trying to get back at the bloke for his part in the adultery was a really bad idea for all involved. Unfortunately, I would be lying if I said that my relationship with my friend was not permanently damaged by the fallout from this incident, which is downright bizarre, but I digress...

Suffice it to say, it was my view and the view of many mutual friends that the real reason behind the adultery was the fact that their relationship was dying anyway. And although I think they both knew it, and would probably admit as much now, they could have saved themselves alot of heartache (not to mention saved everyone else alot of stress) if they had realised it sooner. I appreciate that this isn't always the case or indeed the case here, but at the same time, I reckon adultery is rarely a "spur of the moment" thing...

I'm sorry to hear that it has happened to you, though - just be sure to allow yourself time and space to think about things clearly, and don't let your decisions/actions be controlled by your emotions...
 
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I suggest you get even. Revenge sex. Go pork her mother, sister, friend or aunt. Whomever. It doesn't matter, so long it's a female and very close to her. It will bug the living crap out of her, and I feel a little petty revenge is in order here and just maybe the thought of it alone will cheer you up.
 
I think you're handling it pretty well. Go have a few drinks with some friends or alone. Maybe pick-up a few chicks? Or perhaps get a massage? Just throwin' some ideas out. The important thing is you can't change the past, so you have to look to the future.


Solid Lifters
I suggest you get even. Revenge sex. Go pork her mother, sister, friend or aunt. Whomever. It doesn't matter, so long it's a female and very close to her. It will bug the living crap out of her, and I feel a little petty revenge is in order here and just maybe the thought of it alone will cheer you up.
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I don't know why, but this post almost made me laugh out loud in the library.
 
Actually, that's not very good advice. I would advise not to sleep with anyone you plan on having a relationship with. Not for a long while, anyway.
 
Solid Lifters
I suggest you get even. Revenge sex. Go pork her mother, sister, friend or aunt. Whomever. It doesn't matter, so long it's a female and very close to her. It will bug the living crap out of her, and I feel a little petty revenge is in order here and just maybe the thought of it alone will cheer you up.
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Yeah that wont ever happen. Got friends telling me doing something like that will only leave me more empty.
 
NocturnalPS
Yeah that wont ever happen. Got friends telling me doing something like that will only leave me more empty.
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I do believe he was filling your prescription for a little laughter. After all, it's supposed to be the best medicine. 👍
 
I feel you pain,this has happened to me. she cheated on me. I actually caught her in the act. I said we were done. But, I had a gun, and shot him in both arms and both legs, and repeatedly hit him were it really hurts. and left her forever.
 
Noc, I'm very sad that your return to GTP should be in such inauspicious circumstances. As Duke & Der Alta have already opined, it sounds like you're already quite on top of the situation. Hopefully you'll come out of this in a year's time a stronger person. Sometimes our partners can drag us down without us even noticing it.

Try to stay calm. I know you'll be feeling betrayed, but you can get through it. Just ensure you get through the separation as cleanly as possible, whilst standing up for yourself. After then, you can concentrate on rebuilding.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Don't give up fighting for what's important. There's plenty of time to enjoy in the future, so work to extricate yourself now, and try not to lose sleep over it.

Hopefully you'll have more time for GTP chatting now as well! We've at least 8 months to kill (*) before GT5 comes out.

(*) Warning: deliberate troll bait!
 
race'emhard
I feel you pain,this has happened to me. she cheated on me. I actually caught her in the act. I said we were done. But, I had a gun, and shot him in both arms and both legs, and repeatedly hit him were it really hurts. and left her forever.
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okay that was a little funny. 👍
 
Duke
I do believe he was filling your prescription for a little laughter. After all, it's supposed to be the best medicine. 👍
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Now there is some good advice 👍 (Incase you were refering to the laughter bit, and not the "go have sex with others"...)

I'm probably not in the position to respond to what happened to you other than to say I'm sorry this had to happen to you.

Not too long ago I broke up with my first ever girlfriend after being with her for two years. Basically I got tired of her since I realized I would never have my own life. This does sound crazy, but since I've had some personal issues at the age of 12, I have changed dramatically as a person. I became much "softer", and I have trouble disagreeing with people. Basically, she wanted me to go to the exact same school as her, do whatever she wanted, I couldn't even have a drink with my buddies because then I wasn't that "perfect guy who doesn't touch a beer" anymore. If I'd say no, she would say "Don't you love me then? Don't you care about me?" I realized that I had to change, and start standing up for myself. So I made the decision myself and broke up with her. I broke her hart, and I broke my own since I obviously still loved her very much, but I saw myself turning into an absolute mess in the future if I hadn't taken any action.

Since my 2-year-relationship is nothing compared to what you're going through, I can only say that you'll need your time to recover from this episode. Odds are high you'll never fully do that, but do get your mind on other things. Spend time with friends, do things that make you happy that don't involve her.

Be happy you've got friends that support you, by the time I broke up, I had 0 friends left due to her keeping me away from them.
 
GilesGuthrie
Noc, I'm very sad that your return to GTP should be in such inauspicious circumstances. As Duke & Der Alta have already opined, it sounds like you're already quite on top of the situation. Hopefully you'll come out of this in a year's time a stronger person. Sometimes our partners can drag us down without us even noticing it.

Try to stay calm. I know you'll be feeling betrayed, but you can get through it. Just ensure you get through the separation as cleanly as possible, whilst standing up for yourself. After then, you can concentrate on rebuilding.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Don't give up fighting for what's important. There's plenty of time to enjoy in the future, so work to extricate yourself now, and try not to lose sleep over it.

Hopefully you'll have more time for GTP chatting now as well! We've at least 8 months to kill (*) before GT5 comes out.

(*) Warning: deliberate troll bait!
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Well yeah I'm doing pretty good I think. I just want everything to be done with already. Right about now I could really use that nifty controller in that movie CLICK do a fast forward or something.

She never really kept me away from here It was just me not having much to talk about. Oh and I still need to get myself a ps3 anyways. But only reason I have not is cause Ive been waiting on GT5.
 
Gotta maintain self respect. Sounds like you're going a good job of that so far. This kind of thing can easily become enough of a self-esteem blow to put you in a position to actually be willing to take her back. Maintaining your pride is key in this situation.

I can't imagine how hard it is to go through what you're going through. Good luck.
 
"The best way to get over a woman is to get in one" comes to mind right now. :lol:

Sorry to hear Noc, I know how it feels, just don't blame yourself right now and surround yourself with the right people and you'll get through this.

Theres a lot of good advice in here, when I got cheated on I did the worst thing possible and hit the drugs hard, which only made me seek revenge even more. In a 3 month period I ended up sleeping with 4 of her friends, which in the end, just turned them all against me (apparently girls talk, who knew?!) and back fired on me in future relationships.

Try to stay sober as the drugs and alchohol only bring out the wrong side of you, and seriously make some time for yourself. Even if she starts saying its your fault, never think that, for the most part, its just her defending her actions as she knows she's done wrong and its easier to lay the blame on others/objects. "I didn't mean to, I was drunk/high!" aka. Don't blame me, blame the influence. Always a favorite. 👎

Look at this as a new beginning, a new chance at life really. The ability to feel young again and meet new people and do the things you always wanted to do but couldn't. Keep your head up, stay confident, and look on the brighter, less slutty side of life. You have your kids, your family, your friends...hell, you even have GTPlanet behind you!

Good luck man, and just remember, being single again isn't as scary as you think, its actually quite warm and relaxing. 👍
 
No kids? If I were you, I'd put 90% of my non-working time into Gran Turismo PSP... and when GT5 comes out, you'll be too busy to really care about that cheating *@#$%* anyway!
 

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