How is one to handle adultery?

  • Thread starter Thread starter NocturnalPS
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I feel like I’m at a cross road of some sort. I spent most of the day yesterday talking with her sister and dad. They don’t understand her actions but they want for us to be open with each other and really think about what will be a better future for the both of us.

As much as I hate her…. I can’t shake this massive out poring of love for her too. I need to see what she thinks and how she feels about me.

Is there hope of saving a marriage? I’ve heard of it. It’s going to take a lot of work from both of us but I am willing to do it, and just hope she feels the same. If not then we continue on our separate ways.

I’ve talked to some of my friends about this and was surprised to hear them say words of encouragement and not being judgmental and saying “are you dumb?” It’s my life and I can choose what will be best for me and my future.

I’ll keep you guys updated.
 
Well, we can't help you make the decision, of course, but we can listen and encourage.

I would not lend a huge amount of weight to what her family says. Take it as a data point, but always remember that they are going to try to position her for recovery from her mistake to her best advantage, not necessarily yours. They may well like you a lot, but their loyalty will be to her first.

Of course you still love her - 90% of what drew you to her in the first place is still there. It's not possible to flip a switch from 'love' to 'hate' like that. You want to understand her, you want to understand her cheating, you want to understand what went wrong. It's natural to be conflicted especially since it has been such a short time and you haven't been able to process it fully yet.

It is possible to repair the relationship, but unfortunately 90% of the work is on her side, not yours, which means all you have to go on is your trust in how genuinely contrite she is and how committed she will be to controlling herself in the future. Yes, the cheating is a symptom of another issue(s) deeper in the relationship. But remember that her response was not to come to you before she cheated and say "Look, I know you're trying to communicate better, but I'm having trouble with how it's going and I'm not happy here. We need to decide if this is going to work out or not." Her response was to do something untrustworthy and further damaging to the relationship.

Of course I am a thousand miles away and have never met either of you, so take this also with a grain of salt. But before you make your decision, recognize that she behaved immaturely and irresponsibly when she could have behaved honestly and constructively. You need to decide if your self-esteem is up to the task of forgiving her, AND if she is up to the task of changing her behaviour permanently, AND if it is worth the investment on your part. If you believe she is sincere and you can keep your dignity intact, then try again. If you have doubts about her sincerity or you feel you have to take her back because she is your only/best chance, then I think you are better just moving on. But you have to make that decision based entirely on your own thoughts and her words and actions, with only minor consideration for what anybody else says.

You might want to draw up the divorce agreement now and then not file it for 3 months while you separate for a time. Some perspective and opportunity to remember what life is like without her would likely do you good.

Good luck and keep in touch.
 
Good post Duke 👍

Noc, be careful. This is one of those things that people worry about when they're telling you to take deep breaths before doing anything. It could also be an admission that the other guy is not as willing to ditch his relationship as your wife was. She's now frantically looking for the Undo button.
 
My wife knows that there are no circumstances under which I would forgive her for cheating. Everyone is different of course, but for me, the relationship would be 100% dead at that point.

I could handle a lot of stuff. She could hide money from me, do drugs, kick me in the crotch, get a tattoo, take a bat to my guitars, go to jail for drunk driving, go to jail for embezzlement... hell, she could burn down the house and I'd forgive her if the circumstances were right and she said/did the right things.

...but not cheating.


(I thought of more serious stuff I could forgive her for, but this post got weird so I cut it off.)
 
If you can imagine, at some point in the future, your forgiven other-half being a couple of hours late with a reasonable excuse or having a good reason to stay away somewhere for the night without you and you believe them without question, reconciliation is possible.

If not, and I know I can't, it isn't.
 
Noc,

Sorry to hear this man. If someone cheated on me and it was purely a sexual thing I could probably forgive it, over time, but with women there's always emotions involved. So, basically, I could never forgive her. She didn't just go to some bar and hook up with some drunk dude. She had sex with a co-worker who was 'better at communicating' than you.

Once she realizes he isn't going to leave his wife and kids to be with her, she'll try everything possible to keep you - until that next sure thing comes along. I've seen it all too many times.

I know she's your wife, and I know you love her, but if there's ever a good time to eject in a marriage it's definitely after your spouse got emotionally involved with someone else and cheated on you. Know when to pull the handles, or be prepared to ride it into the dirt...

eject-1.jpg
 
Try "hardening" the "suspension ride" and adding some "positive camber" to the "rear wheels", so you get more "oversteer".
 
Famine
If you can imagine, at some point in the future, your forgiven other-half being a couple of hours late with a reasonable excuse or having a good reason to stay away somewhere for the night without you and you believe them without question, reconciliation is possible.

If not, and I know I can't, it isn't.
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Have to agree on that one...
 
Thanks, all great advice. I really do love her but if we are to get back together there will have to be HUGE changes from her.

I just feel that we as a couple have fallen off the wagon. We used to go to church every Sunday for 3 years. 2 years before marriage 1 year after. I don’t know why we stopped in the first place.
Me getting let go from my good job almost about a year ago as well put some stress on the relationship. At around the same time my wife swapped jobs within her job and well that’s where she met her co worker.

I should have nipped it in the butt when I saw a sign and she asked me if she was texting this co worker buddy too much. I told her it does not bother me. Hey she has guy friends why not one more? Then later I did notice later that she was texting this guy way too much but still didn’t think much of it. Sex started getting noticeably less. Not bad just spans of like once every 3 weeks or so. I started feeling kind of pushed away. At around the same time she found out that her job was shutting down and 100+ peps including her were going to be let go in stages. I felt more pushed away from her. My dumb but was just letting it go thinking it was stress from the layoff. Then she dropped the bomb on me.

She’s on her way home today shortly and we’re going to have to talk things over. Need to see where I stand in her world. I am aware that she’s in a spot were she realizes that she might be all alone. And she might feel that I’m the only thing there for her. But getting back with me I will NOT make it easy for her. She is going to have to earn her way. IF she’s willing to put in the man hours and I really truly believe that she’s trying to change. I think everything might be all right. But then again Ill find out later today if she still attached to me in some way. If things do go south and I notice (which I will I will not just over look things like I had before) it then she already hurt me once. It’s not going to be any worse then what I was put through already. I just have to take a chance with that. It’s the first time I’ve ever done anything along the lines of taking someone back. I’ve always been a things go south, you don’t love me get on moving type of guy. So this is new territory for me I don’t know what to expect.

Ill keep you guys updated.
 
Well found out what I needed to know. BAILOUT TIME! lol.. its okay its for the better. Thank you guys for your support with everything.
 
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. But you know what, you can keep your head held high, because you still have your character and reputation intact. You can still walk with pride, not your ex.

It's tough to find people with good character and morals now a days.
 
So true, I also find more women putting their own needs and feelings in front of others, even their own children, which I find to be disgusting. When my family went through hard times, the kids ate first, and then my parents ate whatever was left. My dad worked two jobs just so my mom could stay home with the kids, and on most days he worked from 7am till 10pm while my mom babysat kids on the side just to keep a roof over the family and food on our plates. I'm sure stress and other emotions were high, but they just celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary, and today, I respect them and thank them for all that.

I also wonder where all the women who know how to balance a check book are. Honestly, I haven't had a girlfriend that wasn't atleast 20 grand in the hole because of clothing/other useless things shopping. Even my current girlfriend needs to have her reigns pulled every once in a while. I get asked "she's you're wife, doesn't she handles the money in the house?" and I respond with a laugh, then tell her about her mother running their $140,000+ a year income family into bankruptcy (but hey, atleast 2 walk in closets are filled with new clothes! Some with tags on them from 2 years ago! Her motto? "I like this shirt, I'm going to get it in 4 colors!")

Sorry to hear that its over, but atleast you know to pull the lever and hit the ejecter seat. Honestly, I think it will be for the better. You'll meet someone new, and hopefully it will be someone who loves and respects you more than that _______ _____! Stay strong man and proud, you didn't do anything wrong, and who knows, maybe the next girl you meet will have you thanking her for ending it.
 
One of my dads friends used to be a pilot for USair. He married a teacher about 2 years ago and lived in charlotte with his wife and no kids. His wife aparently wanted kids and he told her that his current job was not stable enough to support a family in case he was furlough'd. So he changed to Quatar and moved over there because the job is more secure than with a american airline currently. He moves over there to "get it ready for her". Buys a X3 in blue like she wanted and everything. Has a small apartment the company gave him until she gets there to buy a house. Comes back to see her on his week vacation and she tells him she doesn't want him anymore and she's doing the school janitor who is also married and has another girlfriend. Of course he made such an abrupt change for her he was destroyed. I belive they are divorced now. My dad was the best man for that and 2 other wedings and all 3 have been divorced, coincidence?
 
^As a member of the current generation, I can say that people lost a sense of honor and dignity that many had several generations before. All these divorces that stem from betrayal such as adultery makes me sad at the state of our ideals.

These people seem to forget that marriage, along with everything else, requires hard work and dedication. The two things lacked in people at large.
 
NocturnalPS
Well found out what I needed to know. BAILOUT TIME! lol.. its okay its for the better. Thank you guys for your support with everything.
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Sorry man, but sometimes punchin' out is for the better. Just be thankful there's no children involved - that's always throws a wrench into an already crappy situation.

Starting today make it your life's goal to get yourself into the best shape of your life - physically, financially, etc. Nothing tells a girl she screwed up royally than seeing her ex living a much better, happier, healthier, life than he did when he was with her.

If you need anyone to talk to we're all here for you. There's always the mod's forum for any discussions you'd like a few less eyes on.

When GT5 comes out if you're short on cash and still don't have a PS3 hit me up and I'll have one waiting for you to pick up at your local Best Buy. Keep your head held high! It can only get better from here.:)

SR-71_Blackbird
My dad was the best man for that and 2 other wedings and all 3 have been divorced, coincidence?
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Glad your dad missed our wedding!;)
 
NocturnalPS
Well found out what I needed to know. BAILOUT TIME! lol.. its okay its for the better. Thank you guys for your support with everything.
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Well, there you go, I'm glad you had The Talk and were able to come to a conclusion on it. Good luck, and don't be a stranger around here. We'll keep you company for a while.
 
Duke
Good luck, and don't be a stranger around here. We'll keep you company for a while.
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Just don't expect us to provide all the fringe benefits of married life ;)
 
Heh-heh, the local radio station did a feature on the Top 9 Break Up Songs Of All Time, so I couldn't resist. The first nine listed were them, then I added my own. Maybe they'll help you out.

Cheer up and enjoy. :)

Paul Simon - 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'
Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know
Carole King - It's Too Late
Greg Kihn Band - The Breakup Song
Don Henley - The End Of The Innocence
Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
Cher - Believe
Abba - Knowing Me, Knowing You
Mike and the Mechanics - Taken In
Alan Parsons Project - Don't Answer Me
Berlin - No More Words
Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over
Orange Juice Jones - Walking In The Rain
Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
Foreigner - Cold As Ice
Godley & Cream - Cry
Eric Carman - All By Myself
Great White - House of Broken Love
Heart - Who Will You Run To
Honeymoon Suite - I've Got a New Girl Now
J Geils Band - Love Stinks
John Waite - I Ain't Missing You At All
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart Again
OMD - So In Love
Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield
Scandal - Good-bye To You
Soft Cell - Tainted Love
Smithereens - Only A Memory
Soup Dragons - I'm Free
Talk Talk - Talk Talk
The Cars - Drive
The Damned - Alone Again Or
The Jackson Five - Torture
Ugly Kid Joe - I Hate Everything About You
 
Physically speaking, we enter this life alone and we leave it alone. Whatever part of another individual we take with us mentally/spiritually is still going to be with us, no matter if part of the reason was painful. You shouldnt try to murder your wife mentally. And theres no point in mulling over the good times either.
Sex these days, when you see what electronics has added to the mix, is a slippery slope.
Dont blame yourself.

...youre going to start a conversation with a female stranger several weeks from now, maybe while standing in line for something, and its going to remind you that you are fine just the way you are (and the stranger is going to seem pretty fine too!)

take care.
 

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