Jjacks' Poem

[Matt R]

As I've done before, I like to post my work up before I turn them in for grades. I've been given a poem to write about love in free verse form. Any suggestions and otherwise are always welcome. Here's something I'm happy with, but would like more than just my opinion. Here goes.


I wish I could do something for you
I wish I could paint a portrait
With every color never before seen
Infinite combinations multiplied by infinite textures multiplied by infinite hues
Spectacular prisms shattered by your spectacular brilliance
You always brought the best news

Every tear my angel cries
Leads to oceans of despair for those who have hurt her
And I staggered back because in flawed humans we have found the stream of Perfection
And you still keep going...

I close my eyes and follow on
Her tint is opaquely bright...she smiles like 10,000 atomic bomb blasts at Once...
There is no escape, for the earth is hypnotized by her light
The world stops and in that moment I am happy like a kid

Then I saw your fingers break from mine
And I see you running in slow motion, summer's love in your soft eyes
Spinning in a long flowing dress, time turns, pause button still
And I struggle to remember you as you were, frame by frame
Each shimmering pose is just you relenquishing your role in "nature's grace"
The "beautiful girl, with a beautiful face"

Now the nights are cold and they are slow
Lightening struck and I still didn't want to let her go...
I am trying so hard, my burned hands cling for the happiness to my soul
But I can't hold on...I am trying but I just can't...
As I cling for dear life, I feel my fingers give...

And there it is...
I am floating throughout this silent black vaccum void;
Summersaulting deep in space towards no paticular direction...
I am lost on an unkown map; marooned on an imaginary grid
And I just watch you go because I can't hold on, I just can't...

I am left with the blinding, deafening, forever burning, tormenting reality
That what was only a moment for you, was a lifetime for me...

 

[Thiele]

did you do all that yourself?

good job:tup:

 

[Matt R]

Yep, wrote it about an ex-girlfriend of mine.

 

[Matt R]

Not getting quite feedback I had hoped for. This assignment is due Monday, if I could please get a few other opinions before then I'd really appreciate it.

 

[Danny]

Try some inanimate personification. For instance "her hair is crying, as though swept from the arms of a wandering angel", only better.

Or Pathetic Fallacy is a great technique to use.

Good, however.

 

[socomplayer2]

i liked your poem, i made a few silly ones when i was little......


https://www.gtplanet.net/forum/showthread.php?t=70831 the poem "corner"