Jokes: Tech based

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miata13B

miata13B

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Somebodyshootme
Clues That Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President.

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Mr. I don't give "A"s in computer science."


Bad Tech Support


Things you don't want to hear from tech support
1. Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?

2. ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.

3. So -- what are you wearing?

4. Bummer Duuuuuuuude.

5. Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.

6. Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC.

7. We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

8. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

9. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

10. Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!


Computer Problem Report Form


1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__




Personal Tech Support

*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?"

"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"

"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"

"Yes, I do"

"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"

"MALE-CLONE..."

"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."

"My what?"

"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down"

"I see shoes"

"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."

"The round thing?"

"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"

"Oh, okay.. got it. <pause> Okay, it's open.."

"Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"

"No."

"Do you see your willy?"

"No."

"Okay... what do you see?"

"I see white... just white and some lines.."

"Do you have underwear installed?"

"No."

"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...."

"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed underwear..."

"Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until you see your willy.."

"It's stuck... it won't go down..."

"The white part? Or your willy?"

"My willy..."

"DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to get to the point where we can see it...."

"Oh... okay, we're there...."

"Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?"

"I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."

"Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms..."

"Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."

"Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."

"I can't walk..."

"Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs.. then uninstall your underwear again..."

"That was the white part, right?"

"Yes, sir... that's correct..."

<pause>

"Okay, I'm upstairs..."

"Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"

"Well, there's two..."

"How tall are you sir?"

"5'4" .."

"Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."

"Okay....I'm there"

"Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl.. now just go.... "

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when it pops up... just shake until it starts to come out"

"Shake what?"

"Shake your willy until it comes out"

"Ahhhhhh, got it. Thanks."




Short password

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH




Computer vs car industry

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

6. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

8. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
 
Sleeping on the job


It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I'm in the management training program.
I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss) made me attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
The coffee machine is broke....
Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
I was cross-training for telecommuting.
(Next, I watch the Walton's)
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands.
The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.

Time To Retire?

You've seen many of your friends retire, so now you're wondering, "Is it time for me to take retirement?" Well, let us help you. Here are the signs you should watch for:
Have the beautiful young ladies in the office begun to confide in you?
Have you had to play Santa Claus at the last five office Christmas parties?
Does the guard at the front desk greet you each morning with, "Hello, Pops!"
Are you the only one at the coffee dispenser who actually was some where when JFK was shot?
Do you get invited out to lunch with the young salesmen because you're the only one with a full-size car?
Instead of mints and TicTacs, is your desk drawer full of Tums and Metamucil?
Do you find staff meetings are the best time to catch up on your sleep?
Besides the custodian, are you the only one who has keys to every door in the building?
Nowadays, when someone needs help with a heavy box, is it you?
Are you the only one in the office who wears a bow-tie to work?
On your cubicle walls, are there pictures of Doris Day and The Beatles.
When your cohorts say they enjoy Smashing Pumpkins, do you tell them not to get arrested for vandalism?
Does your Camry look out of place next to all the trucks, SUVs and Harleys in the parking lot?
Do you know the state capitals of all fifty states?
When you're walking through the parking lot, do you see recent college grads circling overhead?

If Israel bought Microsoft...

1) The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh, maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
2) Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.

3) All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.

4) The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.

5) Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's Software" division.

6) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Verklemmt".

7) No changes in the legal department.

8) When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Schtopped" message.

9) Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".

10) Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

11) Jerry Seinfeld-CEO

12) The phone support department would now feel very guilty about leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.

13) Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be able to negotiate faster bandwidth.

14) CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).

15) Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not getting any younger] button.

16) "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already- your killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear that".

17) When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toucass".

18) Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already"

19) During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".

20) Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".

21) "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".

22) Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little bit of that".

23) When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

24) Error messages would become a lot funnier.

25) When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"

26) "Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile Drivers".

27) "Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.

28) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).

29) Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.

30) "Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".

31) Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

32) Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".

33) Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.

34) Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

35) After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before desposing of it.

36) The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or "The Knish Knetwork".

37) Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".

38) Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports" games, but they would be able to handicap the games better.

39) There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network neighborhood" icon.

40) 56,000 bps matzahs.

41) Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.

42) You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

43) Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.

44) Windows certified "100% pork free".

45) "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

46) 2 words: Virtual Spielberg

47) Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".

48) Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)

49) The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.

50) New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and "Tel Aviv".


Microsoft programmer

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

Microsoft slogans

TOP TEN MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS

10) Competition is good. 90% market share is better.

9) We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details.

8) We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly branded everywhere, at any price.

7) The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."

6) When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers on a one-day rampage against government. That always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats.

5) We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is free)!

4) Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess.

3) We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of Apple.

2) The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release software patches on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors.

and finally,

1) No Netscape for you!

Texan Win 98

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Texas. If you have one of the Texas editions you may need some help understanding the comments.

The Texas edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse. My Computer is called This infernal Contraption. Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys. Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard. Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic thangs. Instead of an error message you get a winder cover with a garbage bag and duct tape.

It features some of these messages:

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hell no
reset = aw ****
yes = shore
no = naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does
Stuff documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Windows '98 source code



/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
 
Apple vs. Microsoft

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee. They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee.

When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
 
rotfl.gif


That was the best set of jokes I have read in a long time!
 

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