Jokes

[TVRKing]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man

opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved
to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man

seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.



The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.



The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,

"The Double Mint Twins are coming"

and I grinned.



Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling",

and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said,

"William's Big Stick Did the Trick"

and I could hardly contain myself.



BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and
sat under a sign that said....

"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident"

...I just lost it.

 

[TVRKing]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges, and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. The policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry." The policeman fainted!

 

[TVRKing]

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

 

[Event]

HAHA! i like the 1st 2!

 

[Squid]

1st 2 are funny

 

[TVRKing]

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

 

[Nasadus]

A 21 year old girl saunters into a prestigous car showroom, looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Twenties.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

2 days later she's back, fuming "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes."

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

110mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!!!"