- 12,299
- Ealing-London
This might have been done before, sorry if it has.
Also sorry about all the ">>" It came in an email and I cant be bothered removing them.
Anyway.... Without further ado......
The letter from the Queen:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of
>>your
>>failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
>>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
>>of your
>>independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
>>Elizabeth II will
>>resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
>>territories.
>>
>>Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
>>
>>
>>
>>Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
>>the 97.85%
>>of you who have untilnow been unaware that there is a world outside
>>your
>>borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
>>further
>>elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>>
>>
>>
>>A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
>>any of you
>>noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
>>the
>>following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>>
>>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
>>Dictionary. Then
>>look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
>>amazed at
>>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>>
>>
>>
>>The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>>'neighbour',
>>skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
>>Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
>>the
>>letters.
>>
>>
>>
>>You will end your loveaffair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
>>not
>>'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
>>You will
>>learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
>>You are
>>welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
>>correct
>>pronunciation.
>>
>>
>>
>>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
>>Look up
>>"vocabulary".
>>
>>
>>
>>Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
>>such as
>>"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
>>communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
>>'bleeps' in the
>>Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
>>language then
>>you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
>>vocabulary
>>then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>>
>>
>>
>>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
>>know on
>>your behalf and the Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
>>take account
>>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>>
>>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
>>accents. It
>>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
>>Cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
>>
>>
>>
>>You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
>>Scottish
>>dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
>>subtitles. While
>>we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
>>place as
>>"Devonshire in England".
>>
>>The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
>>Devonshire,
>>all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
>>Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>>
>>
>>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
>>as the
>>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
>>play English
>>characters.
>>
>>
>>
>>British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will
>>not be
>>re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
>>can't cope
>>with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>>
>>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
>>Queen",
>>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
>>get
>>confused and give up half way through.
>>
>>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
>>kind of
>>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
>>good game.
>>
>>
>>The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
>>borders
>>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
>>will no
>>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
>>football.
>>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
>>difficult
>>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
>>rugby
>>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
>>stopping for
>>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
>>likenancies).
>>
>>
>>We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
>>2005.
>>
>>
>>
>>You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
>>event
>>called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
>>America.
>>Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
>>borders,
>>your error is understandable.
>>
>>
>>
>>Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
>>called
>>"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
>>gloves,
>>collector cards or hotdogs.
>>
>>
>>
>>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
>>weapons if
>>they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
>>there is
>>a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
>>Russians
>>have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit".
>>
>>You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
>>longer be
>>allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
>>vegetable
>>peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
>>potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
>>to carry
>>a vegetable peeler in public.
>>
>>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a
>>new
>>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
>>"Indecisive Day".
>>
>>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
>>your own
>>good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
>>mean. All
>>road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
>>start driving
>>on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>>metric with
>>immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>>
>>
>>
>>Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
>>sense of
>>humour.
>>
>>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>>fries
>>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
>>though 97.85%
>>of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
>>not
>>aware of a country called Belgium.
>>
>>
>>
>>Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
>>"crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
>>traditional
>>accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and
>>flat.
>>Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
>>with customers.
>>
>>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
>>to all
>>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
>>be
>>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>>
>>
>>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
>>actually beer
>>at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
>>will be
>>referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
>>provenance
>>will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
>>"American
>>Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine",
>>with
>>the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
>>whose product
>>will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will
>>allow true
>>Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
>>Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>>
>>13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
>>as you
>>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
>>with the
>>former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
>>USA and
>>the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
>>$6/USgallon-
>>get used to it).
>>
>>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>>lawyers or
>>therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
>>shows that
>>you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
>>handled by
>>adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
>>someone
>>or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
>>handle a gun.
>>
>>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>>
>>
>>Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
>>shortly to
>>ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>>
>>Thank you for your cooperation.
Also sorry about all the ">>" It came in an email and I cant be bothered removing them.
Anyway.... Without further ado......
The letter from the Queen:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of
>>your
>>failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
>>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
>>of your
>>independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
>>Elizabeth II will
>>resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
>>territories.
>>
>>Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
>>
>>
>>
>>Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
>>the 97.85%
>>of you who have untilnow been unaware that there is a world outside
>>your
>>borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
>>further
>>elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>>
>>
>>
>>A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
>>any of you
>>noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
>>the
>>following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>>
>>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
>>Dictionary. Then
>>look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
>>amazed at
>>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>>
>>
>>
>>The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>>'neighbour',
>>skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
>>Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
>>the
>>letters.
>>
>>
>>
>>You will end your loveaffair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
>>not
>>'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
>>You will
>>learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
>>You are
>>welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
>>correct
>>pronunciation.
>>
>>
>>
>>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
>>Look up
>>"vocabulary".
>>
>>
>>
>>Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
>>such as
>>"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
>>communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
>>'bleeps' in the
>>Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
>>language then
>>you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
>>vocabulary
>>then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>>
>>
>>
>>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
>>know on
>>your behalf and the Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
>>take account
>>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>>
>>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
>>accents. It
>>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
>>Cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
>>
>>
>>
>>You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
>>Scottish
>>dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
>>subtitles. While
>>we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
>>place as
>>"Devonshire in England".
>>
>>The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
>>Devonshire,
>>all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
>>Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>>
>>
>>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
>>as the
>>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
>>play English
>>characters.
>>
>>
>>
>>British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will
>>not be
>>re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
>>can't cope
>>with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>>
>>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
>>Queen",
>>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
>>get
>>confused and give up half way through.
>>
>>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
>>kind of
>>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
>>good game.
>>
>>
>>The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
>>borders
>>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
>>will no
>>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
>>football.
>>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
>>difficult
>>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
>>rugby
>>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
>>stopping for
>>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
>>likenancies).
>>
>>
>>We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
>>2005.
>>
>>
>>
>>You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
>>event
>>called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
>>America.
>>Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
>>borders,
>>your error is understandable.
>>
>>
>>
>>Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
>>called
>>"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
>>gloves,
>>collector cards or hotdogs.
>>
>>
>>
>>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
>>weapons if
>>they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
>>there is
>>a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
>>Russians
>>have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit".
>>
>>You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
>>longer be
>>allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
>>vegetable
>>peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
>>potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
>>to carry
>>a vegetable peeler in public.
>>
>>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a
>>new
>>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
>>"Indecisive Day".
>>
>>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
>>your own
>>good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
>>mean. All
>>road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
>>start driving
>>on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>>metric with
>>immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>>
>>
>>
>>Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
>>sense of
>>humour.
>>
>>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>>fries
>>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
>>though 97.85%
>>of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
>>not
>>aware of a country called Belgium.
>>
>>
>>
>>Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
>>"crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
>>traditional
>>accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and
>>flat.
>>Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
>>with customers.
>>
>>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
>>to all
>>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
>>be
>>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>>
>>
>>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
>>actually beer
>>at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
>>will be
>>referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
>>provenance
>>will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
>>"American
>>Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine",
>>with
>>the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
>>whose product
>>will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will
>>allow true
>>Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
>>Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>>
>>13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
>>as you
>>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
>>with the
>>former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
>>USA and
>>the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
>>$6/USgallon-
>>get used to it).
>>
>>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>>lawyers or
>>therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
>>shows that
>>you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
>>handled by
>>adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
>>someone
>>or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
>>handle a gun.
>>
>>15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>>
>>
>>Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
>>shortly to
>>ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>>
>>Thank you for your cooperation.
That's great! It's so true! We do suck!
.
