- 34,949
- Indian Falls, NY
- slashfan7964
First thought that pops into your head right? "It's not a Ford"....well that just don't happen...
Well hot Diggity damn, you read that 🤬 right. It ain't no Ford. It's a farking Dodge. A Chrysler. Plymouth. Whatever you want to call it. Just know that it's a Mopar.
It's white. It's a soccer mom's van. Except it wasn't used for soccer, but for the "manly" American sport you rednecks down south refer to as "football". Yeah, I went there. And yeah, I played that 🤬 once.
No, these Holley high-performance, 650+ cfm 4 barrel carburetors don't go on the minivan. The damn things multi-port fuel injected. Fuel injected. Hehe. Heh.
And yes, I am a Mopar fan in case your wondering. Not that you care anyway, because you are still in shock that it's not a Ford. I know. It doesn't even make sense. DOESN'T. EVEN. MAKE. 🤬. SENSE.
How is this blasphemy possible you might ask. I'll tell you how.
I didn't pay a damn thing for the SOB. It was given to me by my dad, just because. So I don't really give a damn if you like it or not, because it's mine. M. I. N. E. And I can go anywhere I want provided it's engine holds out. I'll probably get smoked in a race, but I can haul more people to more places and have more fun because it's a 🤬 minivan.
With it's gigantic (lolnotreally) 3.3L V6 engine that is covered in dirt, grease, grime and leaking oil from the pan, it pumps out a massive 160hp and 205 lb-ft of torque. It's so unclean that I didn't even bother taking a picture for your viewing pleasure. Because it's not that easy on the eyes....it's just a bunch of dirty metal and wires that I couldn't give a 🤬 about. Oh and you can bet it's all high in the RPM range, which makes absolutely no damn sense for this land yacht that weighs less than a 2014 Dodge Challenger SRT8 by over 500lbs. Yeah, that's right, this big ship only weighs an elephant like 3,500 lbs. That's less than your 1970 Mustang fastback or 2013 Camaro SS people.
Oh, and more power than a Sunbird and it's front wheel drive as well. Hell, I could probably beat it in a drag race even though this thing is painfully slow, barely being able to pull an 11.5 in the 1/8th....in the 1/4 that translates to embarrassment. But that's why it's awesome.
Because racecar.
Oh, and column shifted automatic transmission. I don't even know how many gears I have. But I don't even care. Oh, and no tachometer. Bummer. That's on my list. Because every minivan needs a tachometer. Even automatics. LAME-O, but you know what? I don't give a 🤬, because it's a 🤬 car that's mine and I can go anywhere with and do anything at any given time I want. Freedom people. That's what a car is. And that's exactly what this car (caravan) does.
Look at that worn out and bulky ass steering wheel.
Oh, and the Sunoco sticker on the rusted out hatch gives it 35 horsepower, for anyone who cares to know.
Yay for the Ford hat.
Because a good cleaning is always worth a few extra horsepower.
Bench seats, 🤬 yeah.
Look at that. No air conditioning.
Oh, and cassette player. How badass. Now I can play music through my iPod that only comes out of one speaker because the passenger speaker is busted up front. Sick.
The hood does close btw. And I should probably get that crack in the grill fixed sometime. Eh. I might leave it. Builds character.
I should probably get this shock tower fixed before the strut decides to give way and launch sky high through my car. Common problem with these things, the way wthe water drains drips right onto that causing rust.
I just got weldable plates that fit right over it that reinforces what it lost (and is arguably better than stock) so we will be crackin' on that here pretty soon.
Also, I'm gettin' me a patch panel for the rear hatch to put a new handle in and fix the rust. Maybe then I can actually use it instead of having to keep it held down by a rope...
I might also paint the valve covers hemi orange. Because Mopar. Maybe. Thought about those cheap tacky fake hood scoop stick on things from Auto Zone as well just because douchebag. Or troll. Depends on how you look at it.
So there is it. Love or hate it, it's mine, it was free, I don't care what you think, and that's that.
Feel free to express your deep self pity in the comments below. Or grieve for me for having to endure such a machine.
Oh, it's pretty damn reliable as well with a mega 180,000+ miles on the bitch of a motor and FWD tranny. Just thought I might add that in there.
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Congrats. 
