Some original work

[Diego440]

I wrote this short story for my college paper some years ago and came upon it while cleaning up. I still think it's kind of funny, so I posted it. I'll probably post some more, if this one gets positive remarks

On one April afternoon, after being hypnotized by the avalanche of beautiful faces that appear on TV commercials, I went out with the mission of stealing a kiss from a beautiful woman. Two blocks from my ordered cave, I bumped into a precious brunette who was walking fast, busy, and almost in the same air of the divas that make commercials for sanitary towels, and getting close to her on her left, I told her:
“Excuse me, lady, but my metaphysical system is all hyped up, could you fix it with a kiss? It will only be a moment of passion, and you’ll have the opportunity of feeling the equivalent in a human form of an explosion of seven megatons. But after that, it’s good-bye, no commitment, no favors, and no demands. Come on, dare to enter the room of unexpected adventure, besides, I guarantee you a touch of sweetness.”
The divine example looked at me from head to toe, and with that almost unreal breathing that models have in the commercials of liberated women, without saying a word she called me an idiot with a simple movement of her mouth.
Still stuck on the hope, I continued my path towards the north in-between a pandemonium of insensitive cars towards the need of brushing a pair of lips, and about 20 yards from my first misstep I found a unique blonde girl with green eyes. With the security professionals have in the world of passion, I stood in front of her, stopping her sped up march.
“I know you,” I told her with my best smile.
She stared at me and made a confused gesture that people make when they try to remember. Two seconds and a quarter after my aggressive introduction, she asked:
“Oh yeah? Where from?”
“Remember. Try to remember,” I told her, improving in about five decibels the enchanting tone that I put in my voice like when I’m going to ask for money. While I intrigued her, I placed my left hand on my hair, combing it with that gesture of when you’re talking of a nice memory. At the same time, I opened in two degrees the right angle of my best smile.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t remember,” she said, almost laughing, with that shyness that shows when you’ve been recognized and you've forgotten the name of who knows you.
“Two thousand, ninety-three years ago,” I answered, astonishing her. “It was in another life, it was the time of the Roman Empire, you were a virgin that was going to be sacrificed and I was the supreme priest. Don’t you remember? Enchanted by the kindness in your eyes I ordered you to be released and saved. From that instant, a deep friendship was born between us. That friendship lasted until the day I fell in love with you. It was June second, 79 BC and exactly when I was about to give you your first kiss, the Vesube exploded. I want to give you the kiss now.”
She took her hands to her mouth, and the beautiful damsel, between locked laughs and a negative movement of her head, which was also her answer, went away saying:
“Oh, man. You’re crazy!”
I didn’t think I was beaten yet. If I was in search of a kiss from a gorgeous woman, I had to find it.
I crossed the street and saw a group of nurses who were coming out of work. Just like the cowboys in the first line, I sprinted my lasso over the most gorgeous one. A beautiful woman. White, with a strong spice of Cherokee, with deep black eyes, that decorated a pair of trembling lips every time she spoke with her undefined accent. Decided upon my attack, I went closer to her left ear and placing a hand next to my mouth, I whispered with an essence of mystery:
“I urgently need a kiss, could you give me that pleasure behind a tree?”
Bad idea. The Cherokee in her came out and she crossed my face with a tremendous slap. When I stopped it with my left hand, it sounded like the final applause in a ruined play.
I walked two more blocks. Dropping my pretensions and a little chickened out I went towards a chubby woman with fat legs and pointy boots. I inspired myself once again, and running around her twice and three quarters to make sure she wasn’t dangerous, I told her in a soft tone:
“I want a kiss. Is your mouth able?”
The chubby woman laughed and with some grace and moving an eye, said: “First you have to invite me to eat some barbecue, wings, two milkshakes, pop corn, and lemon pie…”
I noted my watch pretending I had no time, and I said good bye to her appetite, also afraid that she liked to eat tongue:
“Au revoir,” I said. “It’s late. I’ll see you some day in one of life’s restaurants.”
A little disappointed, I went towards a busy street, and unknowingly, I found one of those women that are called “call girls.” When I discovered that her look observed insistently my eyebrows, I asked her:
“Hi, honey. Could you give me a kiss?”
“Give it? No. But for fifty dollars…”
“No thank you, I only want a kiss… you wouldn’t understand it… it’s my thing…” And I left her still wanting to count bills.
I walked about three more blocks, on a northeast route, 130 degrees from the third quadrant of my anguish, when I found a nun:
“Sister,” I told her. “Don’t misinterpret me, I need your charity urgently.”
“Tell me, young man, I’m all yours to help you.”
“Are you sure you won’t get mad?”
“No, son, God pays me with goodness for whomever may need it.”
“Great! I need a warm kiss from your holy lips.”
“What?! Holy Mary Mother of God!!! The Devil! The Devil!!!” started screaming the nun and left me in the middle of the street while she ran like crazy with her habit above her ankles.
That was the day when I decided not to watch TV any more, because of the exaggerated provocation of the commercials and that terrible incomprehension that characterizes most women.

 

[CDailey]

Haha, I got a few chuckles out of that.

 

[Diego440]

Thanks... sadly, I guss I won't be posting more stories. One reply in 24 hours isn't really what I expected

 

[Gen.]

I was waiting for a punchline =)

Kept me going through the story

 

[Taurine]

Heheh, that's quite smart..

Do you have any more stuff like that?

 

[Diego440]

I have more funny fiction... now, exactly like that one, no

I'll post something up tomorrow or Monday.

 

[Small_Fryz]

Very nice 👍, i would like to read more of your work 👍

 

[Diego440]

Sorry it took so long. I was busy making an ass of myself on another thread and lost in cyberspace as well. The following story was my first published story, and one of the "safest" ones. I only published about five and after that I got sacked because I was getting too politically incorrect. I've written about ten stories in total, though. So here goes the next one:

End of All Days​

I must confess that just like millions of other people around the world, I’m getting tired of the monotonous sequence of the days of the week. The unchanging repetition of Monday to Sunday has taken its toll on me. With the ridiculous Wednesdays in the middle, the insulting Thursdays that follow and those dumb Tuesdays, that just when we’re getting all happy and joyful with the possibility of continuing a project, they disappear transformed into Fridays: the frustrated overture of a weekly rest that cannot be enjoyed because we already know the unavoidable coming of the next Monday.

The process of birth, development and death of days is so asphyxiating, that living them is like being locked in a doorless cell. Its repetitive return equals a prison from which every possible escape seems impossible. There isn’t a moment when you wake up that your aren’t trapped: either it’s Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday, and if not, it must be Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The moving members of the kingdom of everlasting adventure, the lovers of the conscious revolution, and all the free loving souls, as well as the pleasure and surprise addicts, want the practice of other ways in which the calendar could move. We demand a week in which every day is a Monday, or a Thursday, or whatever; but in a way which alters the thousand-year-old sequence. We suggest fundamental changes. For example, a year with no Tuesdays or Sundays, or even an exciting month where days don’t exist, or weeks, and times moves as a blank.

I am convinced that this boring and absurd repetition of the days of the week and the months of the year is the major cause for crimes and the moral confusion that characterizes our era. Human beings are already tired of this eternal and senseless return which is unmistakably demented and guides us to misfortune, when it’s not guiding us towards the deepest and bitterest nihilism. Those who organized calendars apparently didn’t know that monotony is the midwife of hopelessness and the adoptive mother of all horrors.

Now more than ever, the leaders of all global communities must make a fundamental decision to start this change in our lives, or violence will take over the planet, devouring the will of all human beings.

Throughout all the world, from the Vlasdikov Strait to the Serengheti Plains; from the kingdom of Uru to the stretches of Pomona, people demand chronological changes now! With the actual mass communications media, which establish a new dimension in timeframes, we suggest years without days, days without hours, hours without minutes, and the definitive eradication of seconds. Let’s stop right now the production of calendars and watches. It’s been more than fifty centuries, repeating something that only exists in our imagination and which television and satellites have already pulverized forever. Let’s end once and for all this cursed legacy; let’s return to the beginning of time; let’s return to that sublime instant where evolution of existence was nothing more than a simple passage, and where man, that small being in the limitless expansiveness of the sky, was free because he didn’t live tied to the tormenting notions of yesterday and tomorrow.

 

[194GVan]

Very nice 👍, i would like to read more of your work 👍

I agree, good reads 👍 Politically incorrect are you? Im all for the politically incorrect. All people need to do is have an open mind and not take things so seriously and its all ok, right?

 

[rovens]

I like em

 

[Diego440]

A politically incorrect one is coming up... give me a moment.

 

[Diego440]

This one is a festival of absurdity... I wanted to write something of a superhuman being shot, but this one came out with no beginning or end... and pretty absurd, as I just said. The paper wouldn't print it because it was "too gory"

That Night​

The first bullet entered my chest, but I kept on going, although they tried to stop me from getting them with two shots in the mouth of my stomach.
At the same time, I felt something hot coming out of my insides, and I saw another six shots destroying my right leg. But that didn’t stop me. I put a finger in the hole in my chest to stop the blood and with the other hand I held on to the pieces of my leg so I wouldn’t fall while I ran after them.
Later, others arrived with four machine guns. They knew I was unarmed, but they practically emptied their guns on my left arm, which was left hanging; but they didn’t stop me. With my belt I sort of tied it, and I went against them. One of them, with the face full of fear, kept on shooting with the machine gun and I saw how the bullets perforated my stomach, my chest, and my other arm. I swear I felt like I was going to pass out for all that blood coming out of me as if I was a blood drainage. Most of all, it was the lead; I felt so heavy, and my speed was being retarded, mostly because I’ve never been able to walk straight with strange things in my organism. But I kept on going. God help them if I ever caught them.
The guy that was scared the most ran away from me while he threw me a grenade that practically shattered my shoulder and tore off an ear, leaving me without hair. I was left vibrating for a while, but I recovered from the violent jolt. They had no more bullets left. Almost imperceptibly I felt how they tossed me their empty weapons in the face, but they made the big mistake of entering a dead end alley, where I’d trap them. They were six. I had never seen them before, but they all had brass knuckles and knives. I saw them shining, although I could barely see because of the blood in my eyes. When the first three jumped on me, I felt the impacts of the blades in my face and back. I was feeling short of breath, because the bastards had perforated both my lungs. But I didn’t chicken out and I grabbed them with the piece of arm that still had some fingers left. Then came the other three and together they stabbed me repeatedly with daggers throughout all my body, and hit me everywhere with the brass knuckles.
I think one of them took a pipe and being a jerk, started hitting me in the ribs so I’d let go of the guy I had taken. They were scared to death of me. The strongest one, visibly terrorized pulled and tore off my destroyed arm and I think I remember seeing him shaking it off his hand, with a face of disgust. At the same time, the tallest one held on tight to my neck in a desperate attempt to stop me from hurting them more.
I was smaller than they were because I have a weak body, and besides, I was a pool of blood, but I had them trapped. Jumping from side to side with my only good leg, I closed in to kick them.
After that, I passed out and I barely heard the sound of the ambulance. Now, in the vaporizing mist of the memory of that terrible night I suppose I must’ve left them half-dead, because in the end I decided to finish them off completely.