The adventures of a young, clumsy Motorsport Journalist...

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adam46

adam46

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AdamWeller_
Hello ForzaPlanet members,

My name is Adam and I am a 15 year old. I have always been an avid fan of Motorsport, the four-wheeled side of things in particular. I've always wanted a career in Motorsport somehow and journalism appears to be the route for me, after it became blatant I was going to be to tall for the higher tier's as I am 6'2, and I realised I probably get crossed up when speaking far to often to attempt commentary.

So from here on out every piece of work I do, I will post here. The amounts I write depend on interest from websites and the ties of school, sporting and social life but I will try and keep a regular stream of race reports going, along with the occasional article.

Don't be afraid to make your opinions known. I will accept any amount of structured criticism and advice from the community. I will start the ball rolling with my report from a two hour endurance race from Brands Hatch in September known as the 'Baby 360'. I must say looking back I could have done far better, but see what you think anyway!

Hope you all enjoy!

http://360mrc.com/news/the-baby-360-adam-weller-tells-it-like-it-is/
 
Adam:

Since no one has left you any feedback yet, I'll take a swing at it!

First off, let me say hat you have an obvious talent for picking out the exciting moments of the race and putting that excitement into words. Second: your interviews seemed solid and light-hearted, particularly with the Academy drivers. Lastly: it's clear that you've got a broad vocabulary, and you know how to use it right! That puts you head and shoulders above many writers, simply because you use the right words to say EXACTLY what you mean. I predict that you'll have success in this field, if you continue to pursue it.

Ok, on to the constructive criticism:
First, watch your tense. I caught you switching between present and past a couple of times in the article, and that is confusing for readers. Phrases like "the green flag was waving" could just be "the green flag waved" keeping you solidly in the correct tense.
Second: Take care not to use a pronoun as the subject in the first sentence of a new paragraph. You use "another" as the subject in the third paragraph, and it was quite tough to follow, as it forced me to refer to the previous paragraph again to follow you. It could have read: "other notable entries were".
Lastly: consider the scope and length of your article! It was very long because you covered EVERYTHING. That's ok if it was you intention, but I recommend you practice limiting yourself to 300 or 500 words, simulating a fixed column length.
Ok, lastly, for real this time: I felt that (and this is IMHO) your account of the race was a little bit too much like a pure timeline, as in: " first this happened, then this happened, then this happened, then this happened!" And so on. It's a style point, but I think you could pull the whole event together better throghout your account, clearly emphasizing the important points.

Best of luck to you and I look forward to reading your next offering!
 
Thanks my friend, I will take your points and use them to good effect in the future. I am still very much a learner and since that article I have learnt a fair bit.
 

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