The Beer Scooter

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eMadman
someone sent this to me, i thought it was funny

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought ‘How on earth did I get home’ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the ‘slurring gland’ begins to give off a pheromone.

Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal.

This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’

Unfortunately, Beer Scooter have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injures).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of times egments during the trip. The nature of Tran-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out ‘What the hell happened?’ With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person’s REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

PS: Don’t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just T-shirt.
 
emad
PS: Don’t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just T-shirt.
No, that's not the heater. That's the Beer Overcoat that keeps you warm.

New Slang Dictionary
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. 'I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter'.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. 'Couple of Britneys please, Doreen'.

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!'.

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR (No Beers Required)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.

PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. ' I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage'.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

TEN-PINTER
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.

TWO-BAGGER OR DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. 'Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen'.

X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
 
daan
No, that's not the heater. That's the Beer Overcoat that keeps you warm.

New Slang Dictionary
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
Good one :D

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Don't ya just hate that?! 👎



ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
And one would usually end up with a slap ;)

PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
:lol:

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
AKA fat bastard :D

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
A real Lady would never even do such a thing,ever...let alone first night! :sly:

TWO-BAGGER OR DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
That's just mean :dopey:

good stuff there Daan :lol:
 
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