The most important questions of our time*

[Mike Rotch]

*experience may vary between users.


1. How do birds know what to eat? Let me paint you a picture, you're sitting on a park bench practising your zoolander face and generally being sophisticated. A flying rat aka a mangy airborne Chihuahua aka a pigeon walks by and gives you stink eye. So you take pity on its sorry life and crumble a bit of your $5 raspberry friand and throw it at the creature, curious to see if you can hit it and perhaps render him unconscious. You miss, which makes you a loser. But the aforementioned bird eats the friand. So you are a winner.


Now, picture a similar situation where instead, you are a hobo sleeping on last weeks FT and revelling in you lack of tax contribution to the state when the same pigeon walks by. You think 'this chap would make for a good dinner' (don't hate, I had pigeon in when I visited Beijing. Its like chicken, but bonier) so you tear off a tiny bit of the international news section, ball it up into a small er ball and throw it lovingly at the bird. It doesn't eat it! Traitor! You feel like a failure and resolve to turn your life around by going to Harvard, but you end up dropping out and becoming a back-up dancer for Justin Bieber. Unfortunately this coincides with the period where nobody remembers who he is; you are fired and resume being a hobo again. The pigeon returns to torment you by nesting on your face at night.


Question: how do birds know what to eat? Its not like they know what friand is, yet they will always eat it over a bit of newspaper.


2. How do you correctly pronounce Pupik's name? Pup'ik? Pewp'ik? Pew'pich. Maybe it's a Balkan name, Like Niko Belic. Maybe Nico Belic was modelled on Pupik. I don't know. What I do know is I don't have to worry about his, I just call him by is more informal title: "Chief Head of Executives for the Fatmousian Chancellory".


Fact: If you didn't know he held this position, you should check under your bedroom for semtex and / or a trip wired sockdrawer


3. What I the correct technique to obtain best coverage from precipitation from an umbrella? If you hold the shaft forward of your ear (relatively speaking) you are protecting the front of your legs and shoes from rain as your walk. However the back of your trousers and your shoes heels are now exposed to falling rain, especially if you have a long stride.

Alternatively, if you hold the shaft tilted back (ie the handle is forward of your hips and the opposite end is behind your head) the front of your trouser legs will suffer the slings and arrows of the crying sky. Whilst the back of your trousers laugh mockingly, figuratively speaking. Why not just use a bigger umbrella you ask? My recommendation is to trial run that idea in Manhattan during a downpour and report back to us, specifically mentioning how much the dental bill came to.


Sidebar: The Jetson's never had this problem. Why?

 

[Pupik]

You sir, have made my 2nd trip to the restroom in 60 minutes worth my while.

Er...that doesn't sound right.

I'm doped up on Nyquill with a level 7 head cold (out of possible 13), so I am left with only one answer...

\poop-ich\

I miss these neither heavy-nor-light discussions to be honest. There's an enormous amount of paperwork involved in keeping it real, or at best, authentic. And thus, I must open the floodgates for the canal-retentive.

In darker moments, or ay least those spent between songs whilst waiting for a green light; I wonder how in the heck I became a moderator at this most grand touring of planetary websites. I mean, there's at least 255 threads in which I probably simultaneously ended the discussion and added nothing to it. Funny, no...was it wit or just confusion?

I have also come to realise I have lived a great portion of my life here; went from a nobody who just liked to still talk about GT2 and got a house, married, had kids, talked about life and death and Texas and getting toasted and going places and going nowhere fast, except for thoughts commuting around my skull, and joy and pain, pork and beans, duality and non-duality. Then again, I am rather persistent, if not consistent.

I forgot what this was about, so I'll end this now. If this was a mass-PM, then please forward the entire message when quoting, please.

(Augmatic Disport for the win, yo!)

Umbrella is angled at point of attack, at least, that is how Sir Galavant would have wanted it.

I nearly ran over a very slow pigeon today in the parking lot of a Publix. Karma's a bitch, they say, but the smell and time spent cleaning is worse. So I waited 5 seconds and neatly picked up some Rocky Road ice cream for the missus anyhow.

 

[W3H5]

*experience may vary between users.


1. How do birds know what to eat?

I believe that to be given a correct answer one must ask a question in a way which will project the true nature of the question. This question you asked is majorly flawed. Allow me to elaborate...

A pigeon is a bird I sense you think. True that. Now process this connection with something more substantial like the fact the the bird is actually free and with out restraint.
Our next junction leads to Lynyrd Skynyd who in fact sang 'Freebird (see above^). From here we can determine that due to the 'hippie' style lyrics and theme of the record that Lynyrd was, himself, a peace loving 'hippie'.
Peace in all contexts is very anti-war. War was the theater for which the A-bomb was invented, in part, by a Mr Einstein.
The genius of Einstein was never truly understood for many varying reasons. Mainly because in the past, until 2017, Einsteins theories were taken as factually as a theory can be. It was not until a small dog pointed out that space was in fact three dimensional and that a valid equation would actually read: E=MC3 (Cubed, not squared)
As everybody knows three is the magic number and is also the number that is inate to a bird as it's own definition of a God.
A god wielding even the smallest amount of power can summon rain whenever he/she so wishes, watering the plains of Africa.
One nation in Africa actually features an AK47 on it's flag. This in turn means that anyone carrying this weapon is in fact the Stig, who happens to be afraid of birds and therefore answering our question;
Birds know what is food and what is not because my door mat is red and says 'welcome'.

 

[Eric.]

I feel like I should be on drugs for this thread to start making some sense.

 

[Neal]

I feel like I should be on drugs for this thread to start making some sense.

That'll be the kingfishers.

Question: how do birds know what to eat? Its not like they know what friand is, yet they will always eat it over a bit of newspaper.

The same problem has troubled me over the years, I've even tried throwing pictures of food at them but they never give it more than a cursory glance before waddling off. They're not always so smart though. While on a very un-Bear Gryllsesque camping trip I dropped a piece of melon rind on the floor and before I could get to it a greedy duck gobbled it up, it looked like it had swallowed Mr Rush! True story that....

 

[Paulie]

Question 1 confuses me, I've made birds want to eat non-food articles on numerous occasions, they normally take a peck at it and THEN realise it's not fit for consumption. Are we supposed to contribute our own questions?

 

[AOS-]

pigeons have a keen eye and memory of where to go to get food, which is exactly why you should never, ever ever ever feed pigeons, because once you do they'll never stop coming back.

How they know its food is beyond me, i used to trick seagulls thinking that little pebbles were food when i was little , my uncle used to cut bits of chili pepper and stuff it inside a piece of bread, fed the seagull and it was having a hard time eating it

 

[niky]

The correct answer to Question #3 varies on the direction of the wind. Of course, I use a big umbrella, and I'm big enough to ensure that I don't lose any teeth from any argument that causes.

Forget about birds. How do hamsters know what to eat? Obviously food pellets smell better than poop pellets, but once both have been lying at the bottom of the cage for the better part of a week, don't they both start to smell the same?

 

[AOS-]

Forget about birds. How do hamsters know what to eat? Obviously food pellets smell better than poop pellets, but once both have been lying at the bottom of the cage for the better part of a week, don't they both start to smell the same?

They've been pooping all their life, don't you think they can tell the difference between poop and food by simply looking at it?

 

[niky]

Looks like food. Smells like poop dusted with dried food... while food pellets smell like food dusted with dried poop...

 

[mafia_boy]

Question 1 is easy, they don't. If they did, they wouldn't be stupid enough to eat bread soaked in fizz wizz.

 

[Omnis]

Nothing in the world looks quite like duck poop.

 

[W3H5]

my uncle used to cut bits of chili pepper and stuff it inside a piece of bread, fed the seagull and it was having a hard time eating it

Have you see what happens when gulls are feed bread soaked in an alkaline substance? The poor little thing have no way of counteracting it an it makes their stomach explode! They drop straight outta the air.
(I'm not an advocate of animal cruelty, in fact I love little/big fury/feathered/scaled things. It is simply something I've seen done.)

And as for umbrellas.............well, I invented them as a way to accidentally/on purpose poke peoples eyes out.

 

[AOS-]

i carry a huge umbrella when commuting to school, and never open it once.

if there's one thing i never like about umbrellas, it's when it rains and there's a breeze at the same time.

 

[Terronium-12]

1. When is the 'right' time to tell the person you're standing beside on any form of public transportation that their underarms reek of wet, smelly tuna fish and various sundried garbage items, and that said smell is making you sick to your stomach? There's no wiggle room, nowhere to move to and worse of all there's an audience and those who partake in public transportation (especially buses) hear every potential conflict, don't ever think for one second that there isn't an audience waiting to be entertained because you'd be wrong.

Question: Is there really a polite way to insult someone? What if, when they respond to your quip, their breath reeks of pickled shi..er, poop? Then you've got two problems with no way of discerning which of the two is worse, all you know is it stinks and you need to save up for a car.

2. Does anyone refer to pizza as "Za" anymore?

Reference: If you're unfamiliar with the shorthand term, perhaps you're too young. "Za" is awesome and you know it is so stop lying out the side of your face. Heathen.

3. Is homosexuality really confusing, or is it the greatest generality in the history of all sexuality?

Two guys (this is of course eliminating the more feminine of the bunch, because they're essentially women with flesh plumbing, in practice) in a relationship, and we as guys know exactly what we want 8 out of 10 times, so really for those born as such, it really seems to be the perfect trade-off. There's never any of the 'Guess what mood I'm in today?' or the situation where your lady friend cries and tells you not to follow her, and then gets mad at you for not following her. Too much confusion and too many signs to familiarize oneself with.

Did I do it right?

 

[Max Powers]

2. Does anyone refer to pizza as "Za" anymore?

Reference: If you're unfamiliar with the shorthand term, perhaps you're too young. "Za" is awesome and you know it is so stop lying out the side of your face. Heathen.

Thank god they don't, that could be the most annoying abbreviation ever. I hear 'pizz' sometimes, mostly from stoner kids, but I don't think I've heard 'za' since I watched 90's movies and I'd like to keep it that way thank you.

 

[Mike Rotch]

if there's one thing i never like about umbrellas, it's when it rains and there's a breeze at the same time.

I introduce to you: the golfing umbrella

I'm a problem solving machine.

When is the 'right' time to tell the person you're standing beside on any form of public transportation that their underarms reek of wet, smelly tuna fish and various sundried garbage items

About 1.72 seconds before you disembark (doors must be open in the bus/ train). The best volume to use is right between 'under you breath' and 'barely audible'. If you can throw in some along the lines of "children hate you and you make puppies want to play in traffic" in your description of their failings, I find it softens the blow to their ego 👍

Does anyone refer to pizza as "Za" anymore?

Za Za Gabor trademarked it, you should be careful unless you want to use Mark Geragos to be on Piers Morgan to tell your side of the story. I urge you to not google who that is (Za Za), or at least if you do, do so well in advance of a meal.

There's never any of the 'Guess what mood I'm in today?'

Your logic could end up in a dangerous circular reference with female homosexuals, if i may demonstrate:

Man: "I'm just going to watch the football with the boys"
Woman 1: "FINE."
Man "Solid! See you later!!" (and ends up sleeping next to Mr. Winky, the family Alsatian, in carport, as a result).

Now alternatively,

Woman 2: "I'm just popping off to the driving range".
Woman 1: "FINE."
Woman 2: "FINE."
Woman 1: "FINE."
Woman 2: "FINE."

And so on.

It would be like 'the Day the Earth Stood Still".

How do hamsters know what to eat

I dont know, but I like watching them stuff their cheeks with food and then going away and hiding it in plain sight of everyone.

 

[Terronium-12]

Thank god they don't, that could be the most annoying abbreviation ever. I hear 'pizz' sometimes, mostly from stoner kids, but I don't think I've heard 'za' since I watched 90's movies and I'd like to keep it that way thank you.

I've never heard 'pizz' before and if I did I'd easily mistake it for someone having said piss.

About 1.72 seconds before you disembark (doors must be open in the bus/ train). The best volume to use is right between 'under you breath' and 'barely audible'. If you can throw in some along the lines of "children hate you and you make puppies want to play in traffic" in your description of their failings, I find it softens the blow to their ego 👍

Waves over the bridge. See what I did there?

Or, like any polite New Yorker I could grab a megaphone and put the person on the spot and probably end up in a fight over stink armpits.

Za Za Gabor trademarked it, you should be careful unless you want to use Mark Geragos to be on Piers Morgan to tell your side of the story. I urge you to not google who that is (Za Za), or at least if you do, do so well in advance of a meal.

I know her but I never knew that's what her name was.

Your logic could end up in a dangerous circular reference with female homosexuals, if i may demonstrate:

Man: "I'm just going to watch the football with the boys"
Woman 1: "FINE."
Man "Solid! See you later!!" (and ends up sleeping next to Mr. Winky, the family Alsatian, in carport, as a result).

Now alternatively,

Woman 2: "I'm just popping off to the driving range".
Woman 1: "FINE."
Woman 2: "FINE."
Woman 1: "FINE."
Woman 2: "FINE."

And so on.

It would be like 'the Day the Earth Stood Still".

Quite, but aren't women like that now? Like I said I think homosexuality is one of the greatest generalities in the history of sexuality; not only do men get what they want easy-peasy (again, eliminating the more feminine bunch from this equation of mine) but women have the pleasure of seeing what heterosexual males deal with on a daily basis. Then both of them can be mad for reasons they don't quite understand.
​

 

[Max Powers]

I've never heard 'pizz' before and if I did I'd easily mistake it for someone having said piss.

Not pronounced like that...you'd say it like Pete's not Piss.

Still, pizza is easy enough to say.

 

[daan]

Not pronounced like that...you'd say it like Pete's not Piss.

That depends if Bear Grylls is involved.

 

[Terronium-12]

4. Why is it acceptable to poke fun at people who talks to themselves? It isn't the worse thing in the world; it isn't even a quirk to be perfectly honest. Anyone who says they don't talk to themselves are either liars or completely oblivious to the events when they occur. Is it really that weird (funny, yes) to run through a conversation that's just running through your mind? It's there for a reason, recite it.

Fact: Whenever people say I'm thinking out loud -- guess what -- you're talking to yourself.

 

[niky]

I don't need to move my lips to continue an internal monologue... I only talk to myself when I feel the need to curse. Got to get the dirty out of the system.

 

[Pupik]

That depends if Bear Grylls is involved.

I finally realized that's not a contraption for cooking ursine meat.

 

[Skython]

4. Why is it acceptable to poke fun at people who talks to themselves? It isn't the worse thing in the world; it isn't even a quirk to be perfectly honest. Anyone who says they don't talk to themselves are either liars or completely oblivious to the events when they occur. Is it really that weird (funny, yes) to run through a conversation that's just running through your mind? It's there for a reason, recite it.

Fact: Whenever people say I'm thinking out loud -- guess what -- you're talking to yourself.

Agree 100%

Good questions of anyone's life

Why the hell am I here anyway?

What is the purpose of life? Which I think is different for each person, for example. One's purpose could be to help others find their meaning, which could be to fight for their country, or provide entertainment for others, or supply others with food. Notice a pattern, we're all here to help each other, now start helping

 

[Paulie]

4. Why is it acceptable to poke fun at people who talks to themselves? It isn't the worse thing in the world; it isn't even a quirk to be perfectly honest. Anyone who says they don't talk to themselves are either liars or completely oblivious to the events when they occur. Is it really that weird (funny, yes) to run through a conversation that's just running through your mind? It's there for a reason, recite it.

Fact: Whenever people say I'm thinking out loud -- guess what -- you're talking to yourself.

I knoooooow! I talk to myself more often when I'm tired. When people ask if I'm talking to myself, trying to poke fun, I nearly always answer "Yes, because I'm a good listener!".

 

[Terronium-12]

I knoooooow! I talk to myself more often when I'm tired. When people ask if I'm talking to myself, trying to poke fun, I nearly always answer "Yes, because I'm a good listener!".

Spot on.

5. Why do people frown upon con men? Weren't we told to go into a situation with our heads held high, having the utmost confidence in a situation? Weren't we always told one of the best weapons in one's arsenal is confidence? And is it really the con man who should be ashamed of oneself, or should the gullible fool be held responsible for being gullible in the first place? Extending on that subject, what's so different about "anti-virus" software that no one's ever heard of presenting you with false positives? That too is a con game, is it not? You purchase said software and BOOM - credit card fraud. You were just conned, bia -- anyway, aren't con men (back to the original point) just taking the confidence level above and beyond expected standards?

Related: You ever notice it's rarely spoken of in the native term? It's always "You were just conned, Mr./Mrs. [insert hapless victims name here]." and never "You were confidenced, Mr./Mrs. [insert hapless victims name here]". You wanna know why? 'Confidenced' doesn't sound at all threatening or concerning at all, in fact it kind of sounds ridiculous.

Do NOT take any of that seriously, well, except for the 'Related' bit.