- 30,086
- Cuddington, Cheshire
- JDA1982
Hi guys, the last week or so I've been felly probably the wost I've felt in my life. I've been trying to get some form of normality back into my life in the last few days even to the extent of logging on here as I usually would but until now I couldn't make any posts. Nothing seems worth anything anymore.
On Weds the 31st March at about 6:30pm I got a phone call from my dad telling me that my brother, Tom, had been seriously assaulted and died in the hospital surgery. People from Nottinghamshire will probably have seen it on the news as it happened in Mansfield. My gran is 95 and suffering from alzeihmers so my mum goes over to look after her when her sister and brother-in-law go away who live near to my gran. And as usual my brother went over for a day to help out with my gran and to see a friend he's kept in touch with from over there.
We don't know the details of what happened yet and may not for some time incase it goes to trial, but sometimes between 11:30 and 2:20 this lad my brother was staying with over night stabbed my brother repeatedly. Then he left him and went to friends of his and told them what he'd done and they called the ambulance and police.
I can't really describe how I'm feeling, but it's like I'm suddenly not me and I'm just an obsever of someone (me) going about his day to day things. Like none of it's real and at some point I'm going to wake up. I even went with my parents to ID him which was an awful moment, but I'm glad I went. But even after that I'm still in some middle of nowhere place where I don't seem to have accepted what's happened. There are times the realisation kicks in, it happens several times a day but how long for can be anything from a couple of mins to half an hour or more. And each time it happens it's like being hit in the gut with a sledgehammer.
My parents have told me that they've been given details of a counselor and that I should use them as well and for the first time in my life I think I'm in a place where I need it. It may sound silly but I have no idea how I should be feeing, and for how long, what's next. It's like living in a nightmare, the back of your mind is on constant overdrive thinking about what's happened.
Fortunately I am sleeping, it's taking me a long time to get to sleep and I wasn't sleeping at all for the first few nights after it happned, but I am sleeping now. I've got my apetite back as well, you lose it amoingst all the grief and sadness but it's important to force yourself to eat the first few meals afterwards so I did that and I have some semblence of an apetite back.
I've had a lot of support from everyone and I've been trying to be very supportive to my family but i'm starting to feel like I'm finding it harder to cope as time goes by, not easier. I think that might be becase I'm not an overly emotional person, well I feel emotions, delight, sadness, etc but I'm fairly reserved with expressing them and although everyone can tell I'm sad at this time just by looking at me I'm perhaps still not as expressive as others might be. But I'm still killing inside and I think I need to let it more than I am but I can't, it's hard right now, very hard. But if there's one thing, I'm a farily determined person when I want to be and this isn't going to destroy me. You either learn to cope with it in time, and return to a normal life or let it destro you and it's not going to destroy me.
One thing about it is that I always felt if anyone did anything like this to someone in my family I'd take a bat and a gun, find them and give them hell. But so far I've not felt anytihng about the lad that's done this, just sadness over my brother. I want him to go to prison on a life sentence for murder, that's what he's been charged with, it's as just as this legal system can be if he gats that. But I don't care about him, I think of him and I just feel empty, nothing.
I wasn't going to post this news on here, the last thing I want to do is pass my bad news onto more people, but I don't think I could ever make another post on here if I didn't. I've been on the last few days and I just couldn't make a post as though everythings normal even though I came on here wanting some semblence of normality. I'll be ok in the long run, I know I will, but we wern't designed with the intention of dealing with losses like this, we have no choice but to deal with it and through that we must deal with it but it puts things into perspective.
On Weds the 31st March at about 6:30pm I got a phone call from my dad telling me that my brother, Tom, had been seriously assaulted and died in the hospital surgery. People from Nottinghamshire will probably have seen it on the news as it happened in Mansfield. My gran is 95 and suffering from alzeihmers so my mum goes over to look after her when her sister and brother-in-law go away who live near to my gran. And as usual my brother went over for a day to help out with my gran and to see a friend he's kept in touch with from over there.
We don't know the details of what happened yet and may not for some time incase it goes to trial, but sometimes between 11:30 and 2:20 this lad my brother was staying with over night stabbed my brother repeatedly. Then he left him and went to friends of his and told them what he'd done and they called the ambulance and police.
I can't really describe how I'm feeling, but it's like I'm suddenly not me and I'm just an obsever of someone (me) going about his day to day things. Like none of it's real and at some point I'm going to wake up. I even went with my parents to ID him which was an awful moment, but I'm glad I went. But even after that I'm still in some middle of nowhere place where I don't seem to have accepted what's happened. There are times the realisation kicks in, it happens several times a day but how long for can be anything from a couple of mins to half an hour or more. And each time it happens it's like being hit in the gut with a sledgehammer.
My parents have told me that they've been given details of a counselor and that I should use them as well and for the first time in my life I think I'm in a place where I need it. It may sound silly but I have no idea how I should be feeing, and for how long, what's next. It's like living in a nightmare, the back of your mind is on constant overdrive thinking about what's happened.
Fortunately I am sleeping, it's taking me a long time to get to sleep and I wasn't sleeping at all for the first few nights after it happned, but I am sleeping now. I've got my apetite back as well, you lose it amoingst all the grief and sadness but it's important to force yourself to eat the first few meals afterwards so I did that and I have some semblence of an apetite back.
I've had a lot of support from everyone and I've been trying to be very supportive to my family but i'm starting to feel like I'm finding it harder to cope as time goes by, not easier. I think that might be becase I'm not an overly emotional person, well I feel emotions, delight, sadness, etc but I'm fairly reserved with expressing them and although everyone can tell I'm sad at this time just by looking at me I'm perhaps still not as expressive as others might be. But I'm still killing inside and I think I need to let it more than I am but I can't, it's hard right now, very hard. But if there's one thing, I'm a farily determined person when I want to be and this isn't going to destroy me. You either learn to cope with it in time, and return to a normal life or let it destro you and it's not going to destroy me.
One thing about it is that I always felt if anyone did anything like this to someone in my family I'd take a bat and a gun, find them and give them hell. But so far I've not felt anytihng about the lad that's done this, just sadness over my brother. I want him to go to prison on a life sentence for murder, that's what he's been charged with, it's as just as this legal system can be if he gats that. But I don't care about him, I think of him and I just feel empty, nothing.
I wasn't going to post this news on here, the last thing I want to do is pass my bad news onto more people, but I don't think I could ever make another post on here if I didn't. I've been on the last few days and I just couldn't make a post as though everythings normal even though I came on here wanting some semblence of normality. I'll be ok in the long run, I know I will, but we wern't designed with the intention of dealing with losses like this, we have no choice but to deal with it and through that we must deal with it but it puts things into perspective.
