Theological Quality Control form

[Duke]

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, S/He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or email address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity? Please check only one.
__ Bible
__ Book of Mormon
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Koran
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ National Public Radio
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ Newspaper
__ Tabloid
__ Television
__ Torah
__ Other (specify):

2. Which model deity did you acquire? Please check only one.
__ Allah
__ Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
__ Gaia/MotherEarth/Mother Nature
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
__ Satan
__ Yahweh
__ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
__ God1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ Other (specify):
__ Taken in by a false god

3a. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all elements in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No

3b. If no, what problems did you encounter? Please check all that apply.
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Not eternal
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not omniscient
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Couldn't see why Geraldo/Springer/Oprah should exist
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Fear of death
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Stuff was falling out of the sky
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Almighty Dollar
__ Baal
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Cthulhu
__ Elvis
__ Great Pumpkin
__ Great Spirit
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Mick Jagger
__ Moon
__ Ra
__ Radical Right
__ Sun
__ Other (specify):

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Alcohol
__ Ann Landers
__ Astrology
__ Barney Fife
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Bill Clinton
__ Biorhythms
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ CompuServe
__ Crystals
__ Dianetics
__ EST
__ Fortune cookies
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Insurance policies
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Lottery
__ Mantras
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Pyramids
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Tarot
__ Tea Leaves
__ Television
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Other (specify):
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Please check only one:
__ More Divine Intervention
__ Less Divine Intervention
__ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
__ Don't know

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

    AOL:            1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Earthquake:     1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Famine:         1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Flood:          1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Pestilence:     1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Plague:         1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Rescues:        1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    SPAM:           1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Spam:           1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    War:            1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Crying Statues: 1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Spontaneous Remissions: 
                    1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Stars Hovering Over Backwater Towns: 
                    1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Walking On Water: 
                    1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Water Changing To Wine: 
                    1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Getting Any Sex Whatsoever: 
                    1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    Bin Laden still alive: 
                    1__     2__     3__     4__     5__
    VCR's that set their own clocks: 
                    1__     2__     3__     4__     5__

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

10. Name: (optional)

11. Email address: (optional)

If you complete this questionnaire before Judgement Day you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing. (Chances of winning: approximately one in 6.023 times 10 to the 23rd, depending on number of beings entered.)

 

[Sage]

👍

(Chances of winning: approximately one in 6.023 times 10 to the 23rd, depending on number of beings entered.)

Well there’s a nerdy joke!

 

[wfooshee]

How did you find out about your deity?

National Public Radio.

Nah, I don't think so! Invalid selection.

 

[Keef]

"Getting any sex whatsoever"

What? I can't choose 0?

This survey is subtley hilarious, and I like it.

 

[Pupik]

Well there’s a nerdy joke!

Avagadro in da haus.

I'm going to burn some more shrubbery.