Tom's Joke Thread.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tom M
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Not the best Joke I've seen, but I never pass up a chance to bash Arkansas ;)


After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was
enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his
wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get
a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help
me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was
just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he
noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home
and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and
count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a
cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began
to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
 
:lol: Pretty funny, but doesn't get the Rotfl. :thumbsup:
 
Originally posted by SpeedRaca


I dont see it. Is that chick meant to be a shlong or something?

Anyone care to explain?
Click to expand...
Look closely and you'll see that the girl is getting prepared for the American Fleet Sailors to visit her port.
(10 point for the double entendre)
 
ARISE

Dang this is a funny flash animation. Got to get the nerve to send it to my Girlfriend, and hope I don't get cut off from BangBangBang.:eek:
 
:lol: Definately don't want to get cut off from the BangBangBang....
 
I don't want to know your name, I just want, bang bang bang...

icon_rofl.gif
 
Drag this thread up once again for another decent joke. Plus there are probably lots of new members that never saw some of these.

Two Cowboys.

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the
trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating
a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn
to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.

No, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No
again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her
skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue
from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This
shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies
out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of
his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick
Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it."
 
2 more:

Funny political quotes from latenight.

Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on
civil liberties in the original German."-- Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger
running for Governor.

"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not,
because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if Arnold's father wasn't a
Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with the conservatives at all." -- Bill
Maher

"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his
brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger."-- Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't
pronounce Schwarzenegger."-- David Letterman

"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in
Florida are laughing at us.-- Jay Leno

"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day
vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas and on the first day of his vacation he
went fishing. He didn't find any fish but he believes they're there and that
his intelligence is accurate."-- David Letterman

"President Bush held his first full press conference in over 5 months this
week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work
needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet been
captured. And then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'"-- Jay Leno

"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the
chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?"-- David Letterman

"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11
reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al
Qaeda, the Democrats."-- Jay Leno

The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't
we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear
to be using it anymore, so what the hell? - Jay Leno
 
Only In America (probably not)


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER:

Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long! word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
one day a man went to a doctor to complain about a problem he was having. He complained that he was freakisly big so no woman would take him. the doc asked how big and the man responded 25 inches. The doctor said in response that there was this witch in the forest and if he asked her to marry him and said no, it would shrink 5 inches.

so, the next day, the man went off to the forest to find the witch. on seeing her, he asked her if she would marry him. she said no, and shure enough, he shrank down to 20 inches. He decided that 20 was still too much, so asked the witch again if she would marry him. Again, she said no, and he was down to 15. The man figured 10 was a more reasonable figure so he asked the witch one more time. this time, the witch said:

how many times do i have to tell you?!?!? NO, NO, NO!!!!
 
This one has some language, but nothing over the top (or worse than I've seen in the threads of GTP.), but I'm warning anyway for the sake of goodness and decency. ;)

It's a personality test (probably either seen before, or seen something similar.)
Click here
 
Originally posted by zoxxy
on the first page half of all the tect is :rotfl:....ca anyone tell wtf :rotfl: means?
Click to expand...

In the last major update (that I'm aware of) Jordan changed the smilies and some are no longer automatic, but need to be linked to. Any threads that are old enough will probably have lots of them.
 
Originally written in the last two posts
In the last major update (that I'm aware of) Jordan changed the smilies and some are no longer automatic, but need to be linked to. Any threads that are old enough will probably have lots of them. |
:rotfl: is short for "roll on the floor laughing:
Click to expand...

thnx
 

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