Two Guys and a Dead Body

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Here's a little story (with dialogue) that I just whipped up tonight, just for you guys. It's about two guys (Rob and Bob) fussing over who's going to take the blame for the death of a girl named Jessica, who'se corpse is sitting in their car.

Two Guys and a Dead Body​

[Story opens]​

In the car as they're driving,...

ROB: She's dead?

BOB: As dead as dead can get.

ROB: Holy ****.

He turns to the dead girl​

ROB: It may be in my car, but you're takin' the heat for this.

BOB: I'm not takin' the ****in' heat, you are!

ROB: No I'm not, man. No I'm ****in' not!!!

BOB: So what do we tell the big guy, eh? It's the ****in' dead girl's fault?

ROB: That seems to be the situation.

BOB: No. Situation is, she's dead. Her skin's as pale as ****in' vanilla ice cream, and no one's gonna die like that from killin' themselves like that, if they ever ****in' did.

ROB: Then you tell the big guy what really went down. Tell 'em you shot her, watch when he make you in the swiss cheese and ****.

BOB: Who ever said I was gonna take the blame?

ROB: I did. I ****in' did.

BOB: Sounds like a **** job.

And in a swell swoop, Rob pulls out his gun, pointing it at Bob​

ROB: I take it you don't like **** jobs, then.

Bob then pulls out his gun​

BOB: Damn right I don't.

Pointing their silver killers at one another, the tension escalates, and escalates some more, until,...​

The supposed dead girl wakes back up, SCREAMING.​

Rob and Bob, shooken, fire the lead, mano-a-mano, killing each other instantly as she watched in botched surprise.​

The girl then hops over the two dead corpses, landing in the driver's seat. Boosting the radio on low volume on a rock ballad, she stares in the rearview mirror for a bit, then hits the gas. The car goes WIDE and LONG, into the distance.​

[Story ends]​

Hope you enjoyed it. Just a quick little story I threw together, and hopefully not the last of 'em. Currently, I'm working on an actual script that puts the above stuff to complete and utter shame (I'm sure other folks have better stuff than the stuff above, too, right?), but I'm so top-secret on it, I won't be telling ANYBODY about it. I'll keep posting the quickie stories, though. Later. :sly:
 
It sort of reminds me of the story about the the man buying a comb for wife's hair, and the wife buying a chain for her husband's watch, only find out each other sold their belongings to buy the others gift.

It was a fun read.
 
JJBoi, Using asterics doesn't mean you can use the words. In the next one, just leave the entire word blanked out.

Now, this certainly has a "Reservoir Dogs" or "GO" feeling for an opening sequence, that's all it is. A short 1 minute dialogue between two guys.

Now you've got the task of filling in the rest of the story.

AO
 
how did they know she was dead anyhow?

theres something called a pulse...rob and bob are dumbasses, but it was a cool story lol.

But please man, for the next story, can you make their names significantly different somehow... whether it be colors or names all together. i know you probably named them similarly for a reason ;), but distiguishing rob from bob is confusing at a glance.

if your story was long than this could be a problem, but its okay since it's short.

im just saying for future stories....

yeah, ill stop now. (i hit enter a lot, almost seems like my posts are double spaced, lol.)
 
Not Bad!

I used to do the same type of thing during high school. Just little short stories to entertain my friends. I once tried to write a longer scripted but lost interested about half-way through. Mine always had a "Bad Boys" type feel.
 
I've got questions:
They're driving at the beginning, with a corpse in the car "sitting". Laws of physics would conclude that the corpse would fall over either aganst the side of the car, on the seat, or against the front seats(taking it that she's in the back seat). Obviously, she was not shot while in the car, other wise the guys would have clearly known who did it, it would also be a messy situation that any other driver around that car would have seen it. Any which way, it's a little iffy. Then the guys pull guns on eachother, seemingly while still driving. This is believable, but not much. Then the girl "wakes" up and they shoot eachother, still with the car driving. Seeing as though they are driving, if they shot themselfs the car would have crashed. However, lets say that they are on a wide enough road or something. The girl jumps into the driver's seat and slams on the gas and takes off? She's sitting on a dead guy!!

Next time you need to think of the details.
I would have included what kind of car it was, too, because that's good info.
 
:sly: Here's another one of my quick little stories. Just like the last one, it's packed with dialogue, and I've gone out of my way to change things up a bit. It's about a guy named Darrel F. Young, a young drug-happy prettyboy who takes things too far with his girlfriend, and needs help from a good ol' buddy of his by the name of Sam J. Doggison. Part One of Two. Enjoy.

I'm In Big Trouble​

[Part One of Two opens]​

As he drives devilishly through the night in his '67 Oldmsmobile convertible, Darrel, panicked, picks up his phone and calls his good friend Sam. Needless the say, he's in a sticky situation.​

The numbers are dialed, and a connection is made.​

DARREL: Sam, you there?

SAM: I'm here, man. What's goin' on?

DARREL: Sam , I'm in big trouble here, man. Huge ****in' trouble.

SAM: Well,....what's the problem?

DARREL: Cidney, man. She's the ****in' problem. She's dead.

SAM: Serious?

DARREL: What are you ****in' jokin' with me here, man? Yeah, I'm-****in'-serious. She's dead. She's really ****in' dead!!!

SAM: ****, man. Jesus Christ. Just calm it down, alright? (pause) Now, I'm gonna need 'ya the tell me every single little detail 'bout this, 'kay. Even the miniscule ****. Let me know.

DARREL: I don't know, man. If I say anything, anything,.....am I in legal lingo because of it?

SAM: Welp,...as long as the phone isn't ****in' tapped, and it shouldn't be, but as is it isn't, then the answer's no.

DARREL: Cool.

Making a left sharp turn on the street, Darre clears his throat and spills the beans.​

DARREL: Okay, man, here's what happened,......**** man, I shot the ****in' *****. That's all there is to it.

SAM: YOU SHOT HER?!?

DARREL: Yeah, I shot her. I didn't shoot her on purpose, though. ****, the ****in' gun shot her, the be honest. She kept,...kept tryin' the pull my dick out. Wanted sex. What was I gonna do? I still want my ****in' virginity and ****, so I said no. I kept sayin' it, whole damn time. No, no, no, no, no. Don't touch me right there. When she touched me right there right before she got shot, though, she hit the ****in' trigger on my gun.

SAM: Why didn't you just set it on ****in' saftly lock or some ****?

DARREL: Jesus, man, I brought it the other day. I don't ever remember checkin' it for a safty lock. Still, man, she triggered that ****, gun fired a bullet at her heart. Died (snaps his fingers) right there on the ****in' spot.

SAM: You know her pop's a Vietnam vet, right?

DARREL: Why are you tellin' me that, man. Don't scare me. Don't c'hu ****in' scare me. Just don't.

SAM: ****, I don't have to. You're doin' it yourself. I'm just illustrating that, if you try and escape from him, he's gonna find your ass. And if you try lyin' the him, he's definitely gonna find your ass, then fire that **** up like a marshmallow.

DARREL: Well, (turns another cornor hard and fast) if he does do it, I'll be in the Witness Protection by then. If I'm not, I'll be dead by my own hands. Damn sure no one else's gonna kill me.

SAM: You're seriously thinkin' about doin' that, aren't c'ha?

DARREL: Hell ****in' yeah I'm serious 'bout doin' it,...

He looks back to Cidney.​

DARREL: I mean, Jesus ****in' Christ man. She's dead. She is ****in' dead.

SAM: You said that already.

DARREL(thinking long and hard):,...look, man, just help me out here. All this ****'s got me feelin' like a lone boy scout.

SAM: Really?

DARREL: ****in' yeah, man. I'd rather eat a bottle of estacy than bein' in this ****ty situation.

SAM: 'Kay, then. Listen up. (takes a breather, gets back at it) First of all, I'll lettin' you know I'm high, so some of this **** may sound a bit outta there, but do it anyway. For example, I say somthin' like, 'Stuff a stick of weed in her ****ty hand, and toss her ass off somewhere dark and dingy with the gun', then you do it. Now, for that example, why the **** would j'ya do it?

DARREL:...'Cause if someone found her, they'd think she was high and pulled the tirgger on herself 'cause of that.

SAM: Bingo. We're on the same damn page here. (takes another breather) Let's put this little plan in the action.

[End of Part One]​

Welp, that's all for now. I'll be returning with part two later on this week, and trust me, there's a big surprise in there. Until then, amigos. Have fun, and stay safe. Later. :sly:
 
:odd: :odd:

=

Looks like Someone will be the next Quentin Tarantino...
 
yea, it seems as though you're drawing a lot from Tarantino's style. This doesn't work so great on paper...but if it was in film, it would probably be quite interesting
 
Goomba
It sort of reminds me of the story about the the man buying a comb for wife's hair, and the wife buying a chain for her husband's watch, only find out each other sold their belongings to buy the others gift.

It was a fun read.
Click to expand...

The Gift of the Magi?

I read that in school a few weeks back. Its ok. But The Most Dangerous Game was better. 👍
 
Do I sense a pattern? Not to say the reads are bad, but stop trying to shoove the whole two guys and a dead girl thing on me. I mean you did it, its done, do something else. Show me that you have a little more creativity in your work besides two guys yelling at each other over a dead girl for what ever reason.

Just my opinion.
 
I find these pretty cool, It makes those short films look amateurish...You should be a film writer man.👍 You got skills.:)
 
@JJboi
I got a friend who's studying film and I do a bit of post production work myself - u mind if I show this to him and see what we can come up with on video?

nice idea... buuutt... i doubt we'll have time to do it
 
are they supposed to be street-ish or something?

the whole F:censored: S:censored: [expletive deleted] thing gets REALLY repetative...then again, as emad said, it would be better as acted actions, rather than dialogue.

you could say: *DARREL, constantly cursing*: I SHOT HER, MAN!!!

i dont know the exact format for showing action in scripts, but thats the main idea.
 
emad
I fail to see the purpose or meaning to your post. I'm having an even harder time trying to understand what you said - so I won't try.
Click to expand...

everyone has a hard time understanding Lou Ferrigno.

IM GONNA BEAT HIM, DAD! IM GONNA BEAT'M!!!!!!!!
 
emad
@JJboi
I got a friend who's studying film and I do a bit of post production work myself - u mind if I show this to him and see what we can come up with on video?

nice idea... buuutt... i doubt we'll have time to do it
Click to expand...

:sly: Go right ahead. Got no problem with it. Have fun! :sly:
 

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