Up the rank - Chapter two- Know your roots.

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SVX

SVX

The White Comet
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New Zealand
Wellington
UP THE RANK

Prologue

Hi, my name is Rick, Rick Seams. Friends call me "Ricky". I have bright,white hair. I will be changing it, I don't like the looks I get. I am 26 years old. My dream car to own is 04' SS Commodore.

Right now I drive a '95 Integra Type R. It is a DC2 model. I'm starting to consider replacing the Integra because I want something with more power, and to experience a different drive train.

I have a girlfriend, named Miliser. She has bright, blond hair. She likes working with cars and adores them. I have a Dad, named Eric, and he has dark, brown hair. He has recently retired in V8 Supercars. I have a Mum named Catie. She has dark, brown hair with brighter brown highlights.

I have just finished my degree in physics and science at University.

I am a mechanic at Fielding Power shop, and have been for 8 years.

I live in New Zealand, in Fielding.

---
Chapter One- A new beginning.

Rick, with his face beaming in the manner of someone who has just won a million dollars, comes running down the stairs as the small crowd below applauds.

"WOOOOOOO, yeah!" Mum shouts. Rick walks to where Mum and Dad are with so much ideas in his mind he fells like his Brains going to explode!

"Great job, Darling." Mum says happily.

"Congratulations, Son." Dad says impressed.

"Thanks guys. I also have an announcement, I'm going to start racing." Announced Rick, overflowing with confidence.

Mum raises a smile. "That might start sooner that you think"

"What does she mean by that?" Rick mumbles, looking a little puzzled.

"What did you say honey?" Asks Mum

"Nothing Mum, just talking to my self." Explains Rick

"What about your job?" Dad asks.

"It's a Weekend thing." Rick answers

"Ok, we have something for you." Mum says excitedly

"What do you mean by "We" Mum?" Asks Rick looking a little puzzled.

"You will see." Answers Mum

Out of no where, Miliser comes.

"Hey Ricky! Congratulations!" Miliser says, beaming with happiness.

"Hi Miliser, Thanks!"

"Your Mum and I got you something you like." Tells Dad.

"That's right!" Adds Mum.

"Cool, I can't wait!" Rick shouts Excitedly.

Mum and Miliser smile :)

"I'm sure you will like it. Right enough chatter, lets go home." Says Mum

"Great idea!" Adds Rick

In the car
--------------

"So Mum what did you mean by "It will come sooner than you think"?" Rick says

"Like I said last time, "You will see" Tells Mum

Beacon Street (their home)

They walk, Rick thinks that they are going inside but the others are going to the next street so he follows, and when they stop, Rick sees a car cover.


"I hope you like it." Mum says beaming with a smile.

"I helped pick it out." Adds Miliser with a smile.

"You can pull the car cover off now." Says Mum.

And to Ricky's eyes was his dream car a 2004 Holden Commodore SS

"OH. MY. GOODNESS. My dream car! Thank you thank you thank you! Rick kisses and hugs Mum and Miliser. Its in my favourite colour, black! Thank you so much! Thank you!" Rick says in Extreme excitement.

"Looks like you like it." Says Mum

"Nah I don't like it, I LOVE it! It's Awesome!" Shouts Rick.

Goes to Mum and and gives them a even bigger hug.

"We got you your favourite rim type, OZ racing ones!" Adds Dad.

"Really!, awesome! Thank you so much! Where are they?" Asked Rick.

"There in the boot, we didn't get a chance to put them on yet" Explains Dad.

"Oh, ok." Says Rick

"Why don't we go inside?" Says Mum.

"Yeah, ok. It's getting cold out here." Adds Rick.

"Let's go." Says Mum.

Inside

"And, here is another present...CAKE!" Mum announces

"Yummy! Thanks guys, this has been the best day of my life!" Says Rick.

"I hope you have fun with your car, Ricky." .Tells Mum

"I will." Rick then gives Mum a kiss.

"I'm keen for some cake, is anyone else?" Askes Rick while he rubs his tummy.

"Oh, yes please!" Says Mum.

"Me to!" Adds Miliser.

"Here you go, and here you go." Says Rick.

Miliser and Mum say thank you.

"And a piece for my self." Says Rick.

"So what are you going to do now that you have no more university?" Askes Miliser

"Now I have another car, I will start racing." Rick announces

"Wow, I'm shocked, but not surprised. What type of racing?" Miliser askes.

"Just standard track day racing." Answers Rick.

"Oh yeah. I might head off now, it is starting to get late." Says Miliser.

"Yeah, do you want a ride?" Rick offers Miliser.

"That would be kind, thanks!" Says Miliser.

"No problem. Mum, do you want to come?" Rick asks Mum.

"Ok." Says Mum.

"Lets go...Oh shoot! My jersey!" Says Miliser.

"I will go get it, wait there." Says Miliser.

"Sure." Says Rick.
WAITING
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ok, I'm back!" Says Miliser.

"Ok, lets hit the road! Let's go!" Says Mum.

They walk out side

"Hey Ricky, you really need to change your hair colour, it doesn't suit you." Says Miliser.

"Agreed, that colour doesn't suit you." Says Mum.

"Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking with the colour. I was actually going to go to the barber tomorrow." Rick explains.

"Wheres Dad by the way?" Asked Rick.

"He's gone to bed." Answers Mum

They go in the car

"Wow, it's not often that you can drive your dream car, let alone own it." Says Rick

"I'm very nervous, I don't know what it will do to me, SO BUCKLE UP!" Announces Rick.


Rick then roars the engine to life.

"Here we go!" Said Rick.
________


BIG THANKS TO HOMEFORSUMMER FOR LETTING ME USE SOME OF HIS WRITING! :cheers:
 
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SVX
Why is no one posting?Is it really bad?
Click to expand...

Nope, not at all, I just hadn't seen it until now! It's a pretty good story and I can see how you've tried to get some good interaction between the characters. However, I can offer you some constructive criticism which you can use as you please to make the next chapter even better.

Firstly, use pictures! One thing you'll notice from all the other stories in this subforum is that other members have illustrated their tales with images from GT4's photomode. Without the images, you lose a lot of the relevance to it being based on a car in GT4! Obviously, it's hard to put an image to character interaction, but from the moment you mentioned the Commodore, that was the perfect opportunity to have a bunch of shots of it :)

Secondly, it's "could have", not "could of" ;) But that's just the grammar Nazi in me :P

My next piece of advice is to structure the story into slightly longer paragraphs, as it makes it easier to read. At the same time as doing this, try and add a little more narrative into the story. I can see you've worked hard in avoiding using the same phrase for "Joey says", but it still comes across as a little repetative as you're using said phrases every time a character speaks. Once a reader has got into the story, they begin to follow with who is speaking even if the author isn't telling them who is speaking.

I've had a go at editing the first few lines of your story to illustrate what I'm getting at:

Joey, face beaming in the manner of someone who has just won a million dollars, comes running down the stairs as the small crowd below applauds.

"WOOOOOOO, yeah!" Mum shouts, though pondering with a hint of sadness "hmmm... I wish Peter could have seen this". Joey walks to mum with his fingers dancing like mad, as though there's a bomb in his hands, ticking away.

"Yay! YESSS! I've finally Graduated!!... I just wish that Dad could have seen this though" reflects Joey. "Yeah, he was a good man, he treated us well", Joey's Mum replies.

"Yeah, he did, and when I get a car I am going to follow in his footsteps in racing" announced Joey, overflowing with confidence. Mum raises a smile. "That might start sooner that you think"

"What does you mean by that?" Joey mumbles, looking a little puzzled.
Click to expand...

See what I'm getting at? The paragraphs above aren't even that long, but they're a little easier to follow. You could even try adding a little description of the surroundings in which the characters are interacting, if you wanted to pad the text out a little.

Anyway, the story seems pretty good so I look forward to reading more 👍 And certainly don't feel like you have to significantly change the way you write, especially if it's outside your comfort zone. The above are just a few hints and tips from someone who's written a ridiculous amount throughout school, sixth form and two universities!
 
Feel free, though have a look through both what I've written and maybe some other members' stories too and see how they make their stories flow, and try to adapt yours so that it has a similar flow to it, rather than speech after speech 👍

"Quotation marks" (as used just now) should ideally be used to surround any speech that a character has said which enables the reader to quickly see which bit of text is being spoken by the characters, and which bit is your own narrative to the story. If you do anything first, put quotation marks in your story :)

And don't forget those pictures ;)
 
Thanks and when I first wrote it,I had to start like from scratch because my Teacher said that it was written like a play,but I was just trying to do it how other people do it here.
 
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Do you mean you've started re-writing it? I can see what your teacher is getting at - I don't know if you've ever read through a play book, but what you tend to get are each character's line, followed by another, followed by another, which is how you've laid out your story above.

It's nothing to be ashamed of - if writing a story was easy we'd all be novellists - but if you take on board any constructive criticism early on then you'll soon be better than the next guy.

I haven't actually read many of the stories in this subforum before because fiction writing isn't really my thing, but a quick scan around reveals that most people do write in full paragraphs and add a lot of details to their environments and their characters. Some small clues as to how the characters look to aid the imagination of the reader are always helpful too.

For example, what's Joey like? Maybe he's like his father. Maybe he has the determined eyes of a pro racer but an air of exuberance rather than experience. What has he just graduated in? Has he been working on it for years? What about Joey's mum? Is she keen for Joey to follow in her husband's footsteps, or is she a little nervous about it? And Miliser, Joey's girlfriend - is she pretty? Sexy? Is she a cute bubbly little character with glasses and a ponytail or is she a bit sophisticated, or perhaps she just loves to go out with car guys and doesn't mind getting her hands dirty under the hood?

Maybe Joey is based on you, and Miliser is based on someone you like? Even if it's personal like that, you don't have to let on, as long as the characters share the same chemistry that you'd expect to share in the same situation.

If you ask yourself all these little questions as you're writing then the story is much more interesting to read. Think of it this way: Can you imagine exactly what all your characters are like, and how they act? Great! Well unless you put it in the story, the people reading at home won't know what all your characters are like :)

Another little tip (I don't want to overload you, but while I remember) - try and give significant events more importance than smaller ones - at the moment, the act of Joey being given a cake in the shape of a football and sharing it out seems to be equally important as him receiving a big, V8 Holden. Now even if the cake is really damn good, I think you'd still spend more time on the car than on the cake! :lol:
 
Thank you for the comment! I am currently in the progress of making a new chapter.
 
homeforsummer put what I was going to say, so I'll just add my own two bits:

You have a good start up and running, but there are a few things that I don't really like.
First off, you wrote it in third person.
It makes the story seem more alive, more flowing, it gives a better feel if it is written from a certain character's perspective, rather than just a invisible shadow stading in the background taking notes.
An example is like this, from my upcoming Chapter Seven in my own Race Story:
====================================
The three of us drove down to the motel, with Micaiah following us in the GT-R.

Matt was still looking like he was punch-drunk, and I really was getting annoyed. He was supposed to be the navigator, and he was reading the directions backwards. We got lost three times, and I was seriously getting annoyed.

“Matt, just forget about the girl and tell me where the 🤬 we are supposed to be going.”

“…”

“Just leave him alone…”

“How did you….”

“I checked your radio frequency before we left.”

“Now why didn’t I think of that…”
============================
You see, it's written from a person's perspective, not from a spectre in the background.
I really can't see anything I dislike other than what homeforsummer said.
Also, this is not meant to be a put-down or anything like that. It's constructive criticism, and it's meant to show you what can or could be improved.
Anyway, keep up the good work.
 
Chapter two- Know your roots​

WOW, I can't believe it. Me, Rick, driving a Commodore. Epic.

"Are you enjoying the present so far, Rick?"

"Of course, Mum. This is amazing!"

Hey look, it's one of those Fiat coupe things, those aren't very common on the streets."

"Hey James, look. A mere Holden. I bet you could easily smoke it.

"Yeah? Go ask him."

"Who's making that racket?"

"I think its coming from that Fiat."

I turn my head to the Fiat. Just after I turn my head to it, the passenger's window comes down. I can't hear him properly, but I hear him say something about a race, so I put my window down.

"Hey Holden boy, want to get smoked down the street?!"

UTR1.jpg


What the? I'll show you.

"No thanks, I'd rather win, 'cause that's whats gonna' happen anyway."

Bwahahahaha!

"Really? Ok let's see it then."

"Don't do it Rick!"

ON THE COUNT OF ONE!​

Let's go Commie!

"3!"​

"Don't do it Rick!"

"2!"

"1!"

"GO!"
​

Common' Commie!

"WOAH!"

"This cars amazing!"

"No Commie! Don't let go!"

UTP2.jpg


"You can do it!"

"Just as I expected."

It lost? How could it?

"LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE WRONG, HUH?"

"SEE YA, LOSER!"

UTP3.jpg


I can't believe it.

"I can't believe you did that. I'm not impressed."

"Sorry, Mum. I can't believe I lost."

...

"Ok, we're here!"

"Thanks for the ride, Ricky."

"Don't mention it."

"Ok, bye!"

""Bye!"

Back home...

"Ahh, there you are. I've been wondering where you were."

"Oh, your up. We just dropped off Miliser."

"I've got something to tell you about."

BIG THANKS TO MY MUM AND RYKON ZERO FOR MAKING THIS CHAPTER HAPPEN!
 
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No doubt. ;) Good chapter, it seemed a little too short though. No problem at all, focus on quality rather than quantity, and you will make a great story. Keep it up! Unlike me!
 
Thanks mate! Glad you liked it. I'll keep that in mind for the next chapter.
 
These aren't bad. I'd love to see it in GT5 form. Keep up the good work, also, keep up with the mum riding in his car :dopey:
 
I'm probably gonna upload my next chapter on Friday :lol:
Josh, good quality chapter 👍. Woulda been funnier if the conversation went more like this though :P

"I can't believe you did that. I'm not impressed"
"Sorry, mum."
"I mean - you lost! What an embarrassment"
:lol:
 
:lol: Brilliant! Thanks, by the way. Looking forward to your next chapter.
 
Well, it's gestation period has been over two games, and a few months (the last chapter was early September :lol:).
Lets just hope it turns out well :)
 

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