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- Down under
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - Take up tightrope walking, but only practice on telephone wires. Great entertainment for the neighbors.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - A great day to go to the beach, finding children's sand castles you don't like and putting up little "CONDEMNED" signs on them. Then back your car over their prized creations.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - A good day to study aronists throughout history. Don't let this important piece of American history go down in flames!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Tonight you'll dream of eating a giant marshmallow and when you wake up, your pillow will be gone. The next night you'll dream of eating your pillow and when you wake up, a treasured family pet will be gone.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - You will notice big developments in your life. Wait -- I'm sorry, I had an unclear transmission from the stars. That was "big developments in your LICE." So wash well today.
Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Be nice to farm animals today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Don't follow your heart! Shoot, you don't know where it's been!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Start a petition to get a statue of yourself erected in your community. When people ask what you've done to deserve a statue, explain, "Well, I started this petition! Isn't that enough?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Throw bread crumbs out for the squirrels tonight. In the morning, call the police and demand an investigation.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Pessimism will get you nowhere. Come to think of it, neither will optimism. A car, a bus, or a skateboard maybe, but it's hard to use a belief system for transportation.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Let sleeping dogs lie, unless they're dead. Then you should try to sell them to a Korean restaurant.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Today, buy all the Kenny G. recordings you can find. Burn them.
YOUR "LUCKY" WORD OF THE DAY: DISCOMBOBULATED
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - A great day to go to the beach, finding children's sand castles you don't like and putting up little "CONDEMNED" signs on them. Then back your car over their prized creations.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - A good day to study aronists throughout history. Don't let this important piece of American history go down in flames!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) - Tonight you'll dream of eating a giant marshmallow and when you wake up, your pillow will be gone. The next night you'll dream of eating your pillow and when you wake up, a treasured family pet will be gone.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - You will notice big developments in your life. Wait -- I'm sorry, I had an unclear transmission from the stars. That was "big developments in your LICE." So wash well today.
Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Be nice to farm animals today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Don't follow your heart! Shoot, you don't know where it's been!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Start a petition to get a statue of yourself erected in your community. When people ask what you've done to deserve a statue, explain, "Well, I started this petition! Isn't that enough?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - Throw bread crumbs out for the squirrels tonight. In the morning, call the police and demand an investigation.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Pessimism will get you nowhere. Come to think of it, neither will optimism. A car, a bus, or a skateboard maybe, but it's hard to use a belief system for transportation.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Let sleeping dogs lie, unless they're dead. Then you should try to sell them to a Korean restaurant.
Libra (September 23 - October 22) - Today, buy all the Kenny G. recordings you can find. Burn them.
YOUR "LUCKY" WORD OF THE DAY: DISCOMBOBULATED
This one is my favorite.
