A Racing Story I Wrote for english class

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tulok
  • 20 comments
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Did you like it? I got an 18.5/20 on it

  • Yes, wonderfully written

    Votes: 1 12.5%
  • yeah, but the incorrect data made it worse

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • it was ok

    Votes: 1 12.5%
  • not good, i dont like it much at all

    Votes: 3 37.5%
  • painfully sucky, how good did you do?

    Votes: 3 37.5%

  • Total voters
    8
Messages
977
I had to write a fictional story for my English 9 class, and i wanted some touge action. I know that some of my turns are wronge, but my teacher is dumb when it comes to anything like this. Well here it is, vote on how much you liked it.
FRESHMAN STUDENT GRADED
Story by:
Bailey Groutage
Ms. Gordon, Period 1
“The Fight”
“You can’t just take away my agency!” Ryosuke shouted. Ryosuke Nakazato was a teenager of 18 years, 1.89 meters, 76 kilos; He had a slim body, oval shaped face, not chubby at all, and fair, even skin tone for being Japanese. His eyes had this extreme deepness to them, but behind the wheel of his RB25det powered Nissan Skyline R31 GTS-X he was a man of instinct and endurance. His father replied” Ryosuke, when you live here you can’t be a leech! You have graduated high school and you only have a Two hundred fifty thousand Yen in the bank,” (1 dollar is equal to 120.5 Japanese Yen, so Ryosuke has $2000) Ryosuke walked into the small kitchen and rinsed his hands, then in a normal tone
“I don’t need a bank statement, Dad” then under his breath he said “screw this, I’m leaving”
“Go then, you are never going to get anything because you won’t shape up, get a job and get an education.”
Ryosuke gathered his clothes and a few belongings, smashed them into his backpack.
“It’s not like I need you to survive, you always tell me the Nakazato family thrives, and I won’t waste my time sitting around here.” With that, Ryosuke popped his trunk chucked in his practice tires and left his dad in a cloud of tire smoke. The smoke looked very white because it was -3oC on this cold November morning at the base of the Irohazaka touge.


“The Runaway Boy”
From Ryosuke’s dwelling, it was about 8 kilometers to the local American’s house. Andrew Miller: 22 years, 1.86 meters, 80 kilos; he had a long face complimented with a strong jaw and large brown eyes hidden behind large, thick framed rectangular glasses, makes fun of little kids, works a full time job as a physicist’s apprentice, and drives a Nissan/Kids Heart Sileighty (pronounced: sill-ay-tee) with a cat back exhaust and carbon clutch and crankshaft, (Sileightys came equipped with a specially tuned SR20det). When Ryosuke arrived at Andrew’s house, his Sileighty wasn’t in his driveway, Ryosuke was about to leave when he heard an SR20det amplified by a large exhaust. Andrew was conservative with his tires and slowed gently like any normal driver.
“How’s it going Ryosuke?” Andrew said in Japanese, Andrew knew very little Japanese, but Ryosuke was fluent in English and Japanese thanks to Japan’s hard schooling.
“Uh… not so good, I kind of, um, kicked myself out of the house. My Dad says I need a job and extra schooling. Do you mind if I stay here a while? I thought I could make some money racing and doing odd jobs for people.”
“I won’t mind if you stay. You know you can’t make money racing! Actually, you are in luck; my parents just fired this person from their mineral spa in the mountain. He was looking in the women’s spas.” Then Andrew added, “Finally you put the RB25det in your R31 GTS-X, I heard it when I was coming up. You’re a little run away”
“I guess.”
“The Job”
Ryosuke actually liked his job at the hot spring; it was not as boring as he had thought it was going to be. Folding towels, checking temperature levels, adjusting water flow and assisting men and women who were lost or needed help reaching something. Though his first day was uneventful, he enjoyed the interaction with others, and the fact that he was proving his Dad wrong.
“Ryosuke!” Mrs. Miller chimed, “Your shift is over you can go home, you were great hun’, Andrew was right about something,”
“Thank you Mrs. Miller, I actually enjoyed working today.” Ryosuke got into his Skyline and took a grip run down Irohazaka’s one-way road, these were the same hairpins that he had done in Andrew’s car when he was sixteen not a legal driver. Now that he had gone to driving school and gotten his license, he could drive and own in his own car legally.
“Nighttime Touge”
Irohazaka was especially active tonight, the Akagi driving team was here to find the best racer, and set a new time on Irohazaka’s 20+ hairpins. When Ryosuke and Andrew arrived at the top of the Mountain Pass (Touge in Japanese), they saw that the Akagi Team had selected a driver that Ryosuke knew he could beat easily. He got out of his car and asked the leader to a one on one Touge Battle (race)
“Can you beat this guyre, kid?”
“Andrew, thank you for coming, I was the best one here but now that you arrived, kick their Akagi butts!”
“I suppose I could,” Ryosuke said and then added coldly, “You too”
“OK sir, we weren’t looking for trouble, we want to do a downhill run and since this is a one way road, we should do the lead/follow startup. We will lead if you don’t mind. If we get away, we win, if you pass us you win. We will switch spots after every run.”
“Ok, that sounds fair, but I need to get my tires from… well never mind, whoever said drifting was slow?” Ryosuke added cheerfully, he was glad that they were respectful.
“The Race”
Ryosuke was ready for the battle, work had refreshed him and he was all for a little butt whooping. He wiped down his engine and cleaned out his exhaust pipe, he did not want any backup or lost power from clogged exhaust. The other team was beginning to line up; he would be battling a red Ek9 civic, the engine sounded very powerful, even though it was running a factory stock exhaust pipe.
“Ryosuke, are you ready to own them? Remember what we practiced. Get it as far sideways as the corners exit, power out.” This was Andrew’s pep talk for Ryosuke and it made sense considering they had been practicing four-wheel drifts the last two months. Ryosuke pulled up behind this red Civic Ek9 and was ready for battle.
“5!” Ryosuke revved his engine; it was as responsive as ever.
“4!” The Ek9 driver pulled his E-brake.
“3!” both drivers revved hard.
“2!"
"1!!”
The Civic got its tires warmed up in the first half second of the race, and it launched faster than Ryosuke’s Skyline, they approached the first hairpin, the opposing driver used a highly advanced left foot braking technique to stabilize his FF Civic, this allowed him to whip around the first hairpin with amazing speed. The four-wheel drift worked well for Ryosuke but, he didn’t use enough power to whip him all the way around the corner, Ryosuke caught up in the straights, but it seemed like the Ek9 wasn’t using all of its power to get away. The first eight hairpins were behind them now, and Ryosuke was getting afraid to hit the gas too early to drift, crashing was not an option. He got over his fear and did it anyways, his foot accidentally hit his brake and clutch at the same time, this shifted a lot of weight to the front of his Skyline and his car did a 180 in the middle of the road. If you have ever seen Irohazaka you know that if you could get sideways quick enough, you would jump right onto the road below.
The R31 GTS-X Skyline flew from the road atop and landed in front of the Ek9, Ryosuke was in a temporary state of shock resulting from his accidental maneuver and did not try it again on the next hairpin, The Ek6 however, did. The Ek9 driver wrenched his e-brake, the Civic flung around the corner, landing right beside Ryosuke. Seeing that the Ek9 was on the outside corner Ryosuke tried the tricky maneuver again on the hairpin; it worked, he did it very sloppily though, the Ek9 was at his gas cap, but let off to avoid a collision. Ryosuke performed the spectacular maneuver repeatedly; the Civic appeared to have practiced this though.
Thankfully, Ryosuke’s tires were holding up quite fine, and he could easily perform the hairpin jump throughout the run, this battle was going to be decided in the long straight for sure. Pop! The Ek9 backfired; it pulled right up beside Ryosuke and passed him in the straight, Ryosuke was shocked, Akagi must have paid top dollar for a turbo with motorized adjustable lades, the Ek9 must have just rotated the Turbo’s turbine’s to make them spin, giving him at least 90horsepower more! The Ek9 slowly pulled away from Ryosuke’s R31 GTS-X.
“What a sneaky trick, no one beats me on my home course, especially not a cheating outsider!”
The Nissan Skyline R31 GTS-X, is considerably more heavy than any Ek9, meaning more inertia and longer drifts. As soon as the pair got to the long downhill with the few gentle corners, Ryosuke powered out, he got every kilometer/hour out of his gears. The upcoming and final bridge had only enough room for two compact cars mirror to mirror without scraping the side rails and a dip before and after its length.
When the two racers entered the last corner before the first dip, Ryosuke drifted, a long hard drift around the corner to the inside, he managed to get his headlights alongside the Ek9’s. Ryosuke was in 4th gear of 5 gears, with 1500rpm’s to spare (he could rev 1500 rpm's before he hit his redline) he decided to put his brain to work; While trying to jam his accelerator to the floor, his R31 GTS-X Skyline went airborne over the dip, his rpm's were at the redline, his tires were spinning 150kmhs while drifting in the air, his tires were hot and sticky and when they touched the pavement, this instant grip and increased tire speed shot Ryosuke's front fender right in front of the Ek9, his driver side door was within 5cm of the Ek9’s headlamp.
“This kid is insane, but I’m not letting him pass me,” The Ek9 driver said to himself.
Ryosuke up-shifted, the millisecond of turbo lag was all it took to get his tires grip; He quickly pulled in front of the Ek9, just in time for the second dip to send them both airborne. The race was decided, there was never any passing after the bridge, Ryosuke had won.
“Resolution?”

Andrew said "I've never seen such amazing drifting, the footage from the cameras that Akagi’s team had set up were wirelessly linked together and projected onto the side of a white van we all saw the whole race!" then added "Oh yeah, i signed us up for some basic classes at the colloge..." Ryosuke was going to scream but sadi instead "Ok, i will take some classes with you," Within a few months Ryosuke was living in his own apartment had apologized to his father and had been independant.
“Hey, are you Ryosuke Nakazato? I have heard about your accomplishments, how about you join a team that is pretty new, all about competition with the best drivers."
 
Your teacher is going to read "rb25det" and go

 
she didn't grade it, some kids in the class did, i got an 18.5 out of 20. i put some terms in the base iof the one i turned in, explaining the track and engines.
 
You got a 92.5% on that? Where do you live? There were quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes to score a 18.5/20, weren't there? Don't get me wrong, it's not bad and I'm not stying to make fun of you, but if I was your teacher, I think I would have gone a bit lower.

Just my $0.02.

Edit: Fellow students grading and giving you that score makes me feel a bit better.

I think.
 
1. Please use a spelling and grammar checker before turning that in to anyone. It looks like something you translated from Japanese into English, personally.

2. Too much jargon will kill any homework assignment, if you do not explain what an EK or RB26 blah-blah is to a layman, then you're going to bore or ailenate your reader.
 
Before we start cracking jokes on him, we should ask him if English is his native language. If it isn't, then you'd expect to see some grammar errors or a lousy structure.
Just give the guy some constructive criticism, the fact that he's not as good as you, doesn't give you the right to bash him for his bad English....

Just my $0.02
 
People still haven't stopped ripping off Initial D?

Damn.

Podcast?

Anyway, I'd give it a C or a C+ because it is pretty vague, a little redundant, and it seems like an excerpt rather than a story.

I'd give you a D for its originality, though. edit: holy crap, I just realized how funny that is.
 
Okay... A few minor points.

First, the SPG is quite poor. As stated above, I don't know whether this is because English isn't your first language or not - if it IS and people are thinking it might not be, this is a big clue that it's quite poor.

Secondly, quit with the technical descriptions. I don't need to know every physical parameter of your character, the current exchange rate, engine codes and so on. It just gets in the way of any narrative flow.

Lastly... It's actually quite a painful read. I don't know if this is because the structure is poor and the interruptions break the flow, or whether it would be anyway. It's quite hard to describe car races/chases in text - and you've not succeeded. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try though.
 
I'm sure you all were writing world renowned pieces in 9th grade.








Not that that makes it suck any less.
 
Yes my native language is english, i see some funkky sentences, but MSword said it was fine, i even got rid of wordliness, and some other bad forms of writing. I thought you people would've enjoyed it. Thanks anyways.
 
I thought it was good.
You certainly know a lot more than I do about Japanese car culture.

👍

As stated before, check spelling and grammar (the computer is no replacement for human knowledge) and put more emphasis on the story itself than the details and it would be even better. :)

Well done with it though.
 
Yes my native language is english, i see some funkky sentences, but MSword said it was fine, i even got rid of wordliness, and some other bad forms of writing. I thought you people would've enjoyed it. Thanks anyways.

:lol:! Nice run-on sentence, btw.

Don't worry, though. When you keep learning and keep practicing you'll look back at your 9th grade stuff and throw it in the trash after seeing how bad it was compared to your 12th grade work.
 
You think?!

Anyway, I'd look at how the story would flow before cramming in as much jargon as possible.
 
Secondly, quit with the technical descriptions. I don't need to know every physical parameter of your character, the current exchange rate, engine codes and so on. It just gets in the way of any narrative flow.

That what I was thinking. It's good to be descriptive, but too much so will bore the reader.

For example:
"Ryosuke Nakazato was a teenager of 18 years, 1.89 meters, 76 kilos; He had a slim body, oval shaped face, not chubby at all, and fair, even skin tone for being Japanese."

Your description is too redundant and clunky, so it doesn't read smoothly.

You could easily cut it down to something like this:
"Ryosuke Nakazato was a tall, slim 18-year old, and very fair-skinned for being Japanese."

Also, the automotive jargon needs to be trimmed. Most people do not know what a lot of this stuff is. While you can clarify in layman's terms what things are, you can overdo it. If you have to set aside the plot to explain every little thing, you will lose the reader just as easily as including no elaboration at all. The key is to think of the audience. If they are fellow gear-heads, jargon is non-issue. If they are not, you must keep that in mind. I believe if you can sacrifice the technical, and leave it to more basic descriptions, you may find the story flows much better.
 
How Does Alfred Hitchcock Create Tension And Suspense In The Shower Scene of Psycho?
DGraham 12FGD

In the Shower scene of psycho, we see Janet Leigh first taking a shower. Then, as she showers we see the door opening behind the curtain and someone moving towards the shower. Then the curtain is pulled back, the girl screams and is stabbed repeatedly. Then the killer leaves as the girl’s body slumps to the floor. She reaches out for the shower curtain. She grabs it, but the curtain collapses, signalling the girl’s death.

The monotonous sound of the water spraying continues throughout the scene. This sound is diegetic and parallel to the scene we are watching. This adds some tension to the scene, as this seems a normal thing to do, and it makes the viewer wonder what horrifying thing could happen to warrant showing someone showering. During the attack, stabbing violins play. These seem to link in with pattern of the stabbing. Each stab is represented both by the stabbing noise and a violin “stab”. This is a fantastic effect. The violins give a frantic effect to the scene, suggesting a quick ordeal. The music in the scene is perfectly placed to emphasise what was happening on screen. The sound of the rushing water is a direct contrast to the harsh orchestral score, and the two sounds are juxtaposed in a way that makes the viewer uncomfortable. As the water flows down the drain, it is effectively symbolically signalling Marion’s descent to death.
After the attack, we hear a loud double bass. It makes slow stabbing noises, echoing the violins during the attack. The Double bass represents Marion’s heartbeats and her life, both slowly coming to a stop as she dies.
As Marion washes, she has a relieved look on her face. Her washing is almost ritualistic. As the attack takes place, we see Marion’s vulnerability. This image undermines the audience’s sense of security. The fact that she is attacked in one of the most intimate places people visit is very unnerving. Hitchcock violates the security of the viewer and the trust they had put into the belief that it is just a film. For the first few scenes, Marion is at the centre of the screen. This puts the focus solely on Marion and the monotonous things she does, things that in usual circumstances are dull, but here are lent an air of tension, as the audience will often know what’s coming. The things she does are also used to create a sense of security which will be shattered a few moments later. While Marion is washing, the screen cuts to another image of her washing, but she is to the right of the screen, indicating that something is about to happen on the left to fill up the remainder of the screen. This is a hugely terrifying effect.
We see the door opening from behind the shower curtain, just as Marion would if her back were not turned. This is a horrifying and wonderful effect. We feel powerless to stop what is going to happen as Marion does not see the killer. As the killer nears the shower where Marion is washing, his silhouette behind the curtain becomes more and more defined. The fact that the killer’s silhouette is somewhat distorted behind the shower curtain is a really clever way of emphasising that you can’t quite be sure who or what the killer is. The way the killer walks to the screen is slow and almost deathly. This adds a huge load of tension to the scene we see before us, as it seems an inhuman way to conduct your walking.
As Marion dies, she reaches out to try and grab something to hold herself up with. This is symbolic of Marion’s vulnerability and her inability to defend herself.
The film is in black and white. This was a conscious decision by Hitchcock, even though colour film was available at the time. This makes the film seem older than if is. This also means that the killer’s silhouette is easier to make out, making the scene even more alarming.
The Greyscale (black and white) filming of Psycho is reminiscent of classic film noir, a genre which was famous for its murder mysteries, dodgy characters and dubious use of location. Film Noir is a cinematic term used primarily to describe stylish Hollywood crime dramas, particularly those focused on sex and corruption. Film noir period stretches from the early 1940s to the late 1950s.
The lighting used is high-key. The scene is brightly lit. This serves two purposes. Firstly, it gives a sense of clinical safety, like not much goes on in the light. It gives an air of safety to the scene. Secondly, the high-key lighting also emphasises Marion’s vulnerability. With all this light around, there are no shadows for her to hide in. The audience is also more shocked when it is light, as it is unexpected that a gruesome murder would be committed in a well-lit area. This unsettles the audience, as their own safety in daylight is questioned. In fact, the scene is almost asking the audience if they feel safe.

The scene uses plenty of close-ups. Before the attack, this emphasises the happiness of Marion. She appears joyful at receiving a shower. During the attack, there are more close-ups of Marion’s face. In this context, they show Marion’s terror-stricken expression. This involves the audience as we see Marion’s fear from an intimate position, almost like being there. We also get the sense of being in danger too.

At the start of the scene, there are long pauses between cuts. This makes the action seem to go slower, and makes the whole scene seem more like a real life continuous scene. This lends an air of menace to the scene, as it echoes a real life scene. There is no non-diegetic sound here. The only sounds we hear are the shower running and the toilet flushing. The scene in which the killer comes in and walks towards the shower is one continuous shot. This creates tension, as the audience do not know what is going to happen. During the attack, there are lots of quick edits. This makes the scene feel more frantic. It also gives a slight impression of a struggle. The diegetic stabs of the knife are emphasised by the non-diegetic violin stabs and music. This adds an unnatural edge to the proceedings, which makes it even more dramatic and unsettling.


The makings of a decent analysis or not?
 
I personally liked the story. The only mistake that bothered me was this...

Originally Posted By Tulok
The R31 GTS-X Skyline flew from the road atop and landed in front of the Ek9, Ryosuke was in a temporary state of shock resulting from his accidental maneuver and did not try it again on the next hairpin, The Ek6 however, did. The Ek9 driver wrenched his e-brake, the Civic flung around the corner,

It's a small mistake, but it just bugged me a little.
 
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