Bernie Ecclestone's artificial rain plan is brilliant - it just doesn't go far enough.
If it isn’t the envy any platform shoed, acrylic-haired billionaire inevitably arouses, I suppose it must be the traditional curse suffered by anyone light years ahead of his time. Van Gogh sold only one painting, and as innovative as Vincent was with palette and brush, Little Bern is more so when it comes to tweaking the rules of Grand Prix racing.
Every year he unveils a fresh idea to improve his sport. This time, in succession to last year’s proposal of the “short cut”, he proposes “artificial rain” (in English, water) sprayed from sprinklers for 10 laps in the middle or at the end of a race.
Nothing but sneering greets this brainwave, but he is absolutely right. F1 races only come alive when the cars are aquaplaning through the air and the drivers in grave peril of death. Yet incalculably brilliant as “artificial rain” obviously is, it doesn’t go nearly far enough. And so, asking nothing in return, I offer this easy-to- follow, seven point plan for the salvation of Formula One.
SUNDAY DRIVERS
Every 20th lap, a fleet of 24 Morris Minor 1000s, each driven at no more than 13mph by pipe-smoking nonagenarians of the sort who make the outskirts of Bath such a weekend motoring joy, will join the race in a figure of eight formation. Any driver who attempts to overtake this formation will suffer a time penalty of 20 minutes behind the Safety Caravan, as occupied by Margaret Beckett and her husband Leo.
POT HOLES
Whenever a Toro Rosso, McClaren or BMW is leading, a circular gap in the tarmac, with a radius of no less than 4.5 metres, will be created on the blind side of the next chicane by a controlled detonation.
PENALTY NOTICES
If any pit stop for new tyres and/or refuelling extends beyond 6.2 seconds, the team traffic warden will affix a parking ticket to the windscreen. The driver may not leave the pit lane until he has rung a call centre and paid the fine by credit or debit card. Diners Club will not be acceptable.
CIVIL WAR
If the Bahrain Grand Prix does take place, as Mr Ecclestone boldly predicted yesterday, it will be followed seven days later by the inaugural Libyan GP. Held on the streets of central Tripoli, this will conclude after 75 laps or when 18 drivers have been wounded by rebel gunfire. In accordance with Mr Ecclestone’s stated preference for dictatorship over democracy, drivers tear-gassed by troops loyal to Colonel Gaddafi will be deducted 50 per cent of any championship points previously won.
PROFESSOR PAT PENDING
The mad scientist from Wacky Races will join each race on lap 22, with his Convert-A-Car 3 transformed at two lap intervals into the following: a bouncy castle, a scimitar the height of Nelson’s column, Mount Rushmore, and a giant, glowing ball of weapons grade plutonium. Penelope Pitstop may also race, although only the wrong way round the track and in a Sauber. She may not use her Compact Pussycat 5, the retractable lipstick device failing to conform to current specifications.
TEMPORARY BLINDNESS
Between laps 25-33, drivers who started from an odd position on the grid (pole, third, etc) will be rendered sightless by a film of treacle caused to dribble down their helmets by remote control, and solidified by a blast of liquid nitrogen from a canister sited within the steering wheel. Unsighted drivers may take team guidance over their radios, but any instructions as to steering must be given in ancient Etruscan.
SNAKES
Every tenth lap, a king cobra will be released from a box beneath the gearbox, by remote control, into the cockpits of drivers who began from an even number on the grid. Drivers may deploy a mongoose as co-driver if it is registered in accordance with existing FIA guidelines. During a period of artificial rain, however, the cobra will be joined by a puff adder, and this will be known as SNAKES ON AN AQUAPLANE.
Hell why don't they turn off the Singapore GP track lights for a few seconds randomly and see if it get exciting...
