Blond(e) Jokes

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Evolution.

Evolution.

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I decided to make a new thread for this so I could add an offensive warning.


WARNING:

The following posts may contain offensive material. If you find blond(e) jokes unfunny or offensive, you should leave now. If you whine and complain about how offensive the jokes are, you WILL be flamed, and no moderator will save you. You have been warned. Reado n only if you think you won't be offended by petty jokes.

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DO NOT READ BELOW THIS LINE IF YOU THINK YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY THESE PETTY JOKES
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On with the thread..:

1. Q.How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
A.Wave.

2. Q.How can you tell with tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A.It's the one with the kickstand.

3. Q.Why did the blonde get her head stuck in her steering wheel?
Following Answer May Be NSFW


A. She was trying to blow the horn.


4. *Following Joke May Be NSFW*

Q. How can you tell which waitress is naturally blonde?
A.She's the one with the tampon behind her ear wondering where her pencil is.


I had more, but I need to think of them before I post them.

PS Note to Moderators:

If you see any of my "NSFW" jokes out of line by a long shot, please remove then on-spot. Thanks.
 
Flame-returns
I don't understand why these jokes could not go in the jokes thread. Oh well.
Click to expand...

Read the first part of the thread.

People tend to freak out and take offense to these jokes (Yo Mama jokes, Fat Jokes, Blonde Jokes, etc.)
 
How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the hatch.

Ten blondes and a brunette are rock climbing on the tallest cliff in the UK.

Suddenly, 9 of the ropes snap, and everyone is left clinging to one rope. After a while, they all decide that someone should let go, to reduce weight and save everyone. The Brunette says that she'll let go, and gives a rousing speech, saying that she will sacrifice herself- to which all the blondes applaud.
 
So a blond is speeding and gets pulled over by a blond lady-cop. The cop asks to see the driver's liscense. The blonde driver rumages around a bit in her perse, but can't find it.
After a while the blonde cop says, "It's the one with your face on it."
So the blond driver sees her pocket mirror and sees her face in it. She hands it over to the blond cop.

The blond cop looks at it and says, "If I had known you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
 
ultrabeat
Ten blondes and a brunette are rock climbing on the tallest cliff in the UK.

Suddenly, 9 of the ropes snap, and everyone is left clinging to one rope. After a while, they all decide that someone should let go, to reduce weight and save everyone. The Brunette says that she'll let go, and gives a rousing speech, saying that she will sacrifice herself- to which all the blondes applaud.
Click to expand...

:lol: 👍
 
Q. If $50 is sitting on the floor of an elevator with santa claus, the tooth fairy, easter bunny a smart blonde and a smart brunette inside it, who will pick it up?

A. the smart brunette, as none of the others exsist...

(lame)
 
Flame-returns
I don't understand why these jokes could not go in the jokes thread. Oh well.
Click to expand...
I agree.

There's no need for this thread.
There can be far more worst taken to offense than Blond(e) jokes such as the Texas one. Someone not from Texas could take it as an offense they can't handle our chili.
 
Vonie
So a blond is speeding and gets pulled over by a blond lady-cop. The cop asks to see the driver's liscense. The blonde driver rumages around a bit in her perse, but can't find it.
After a while the blonde cop says, "It's the one with your face on it."
So the blond driver sees her pocket mirror and sees her face in it. She hands it over to the blond cop.

The blond cop looks at it and says, "If I had known you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Click to expand...
OMFG That classic. 👍 :lol:
 
ok so theres blonde, and 2 red heads on a island in the middle of a ocean. (now don't imagine you were as i first did) they stumbled accros a magical lamp, and they rubbed it, and a genay(can't spell) appeared, and said you each have 1 wish, so the both of the red heads said they wanted to go home, but the blonde said, i wish my friends were here with me.
 
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

A blonde and a brunette fall off a cliff. Which hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
 
Medical Dictionary written by blonds.

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coat hook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- butter substitue for fathers
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal Illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
 
There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead on an island 100km of the coast. The brunette swins for 60km before she gets tired and dies. The redhead swims for 75km and then dies. The blonde swims halfway and, not wanting to die,swims back.

There were 2 blondes trying to open the door of a car. They were locked out and the keys are inside. It then starts to rain. One of the blondes say, "Oh no! We better open the car quick because the roof is open."

And finally...

There was a boy and a girl on the sidewalk shouting out 79. A blonde comes and says, "Why are you both shouting out 79?" The boy says to the blonde, "It is fun. Why not join us?" So the blonde joins with the kids shouting out 79. The girl then says, "Why not got on the road and shout out 79?" The blonde does so. "Hey, this is fun!" She says. Just then, A car comes and hits her. The 2 kids then shouts out 80.
 
How can you tell that a blond girl typed a letter on you computer, correcting mistakes???

When she used tipp ex.

(doesn't sound the same after translating into English):guilty:

Admin added: Tipp ex. = White out.
 
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They were driving through the desert, and their car ran out of gas. The brunette said that she had seen a gas-station a couple miles back. So they all decided to take something. The redhead asked the brunette what she was taking, and the redhead replied: "water, so that we can stay hydrated!" The redhead asked the brunette what she was taking and the brunette replied: "food, so that we can eat when we get hungry!" Finally they both asked the blonde what she was taking. The blonde said, "I'm taking the car door, so that when we get hot we can roll down the window.

A blonde was walking in to the house and she told her husband someone stole their car, so the husband said did you get a good look at him? And the blond said no, but I got the license plate!
 
^:lol:^

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
 
Two blondes walked into a bar. You'd figure the second one would have noticed it.

**

A guy is tending bar one afternoon when a half dozen blonde cheerleader types come in, excited and happy. They're chanting "61 days! 61 days!" and occasionally high-fiving each other. They take a table in the corner and order a pitcher of beer, talking happily.

The bartender brings the pitcher over, and asks "What are you ladies celebrating?"

One of them replies "It says 3 years +, but we got it done in only 61 days!" and she holds up the box from a jigsaw puzzle of Elmo.
 
Duke
Two blondes walked into a bar. You'd figure the second one would have noticed it.

**

A guy is tending bar one afternoon when a half dozen blonde cheerleader types come in, excited and happy. They're chanting "61 days! 61 days!" and occasionally high-fiving each other. They take a table in the corner and order a pitcher of beer, talking happily.

The bartender brings the pitcher over, and asks "What are you ladies celebrating?"

One of them replies "It says 3 years +, but we got it done in only 61 days!" and she holds up the box from a jigsaw puzzle of Elmo.
Click to expand...
That's a great one! :lol:
 
Three blonds were walking through the woods one afternoon when the came upon a set of tracks. They argued amongst themselves for a while trying to figure out what had left the tracks. One said it was a moose, the other said it was a duck, and the last said it was a deer. Since they couldn't decide on what left the tracks they decided to follow them until they came across the animal that left the tracks. After following the tracks for a half hour, the train hit them.
 
VTGT07
Three blonds were walking through the woods one afternoon when the came upon a set of tracks. They argued amongst themselves for a while trying to figure out what had left the tracks. One said it was a moose, the other said it was a duck, and the last said it was a deer. Since they couldn't decide on what left the tracks they decided to follow them until they came across the animal that left the tracks. After following the tracks for a half hour, the train hit them.
Click to expand...

:lol: That's a classic..

What do you call a blonde with a brain?

Gifted

What do you call a blonde that uses that brain?

A Golden Retriever :D
 
One Christmas, two blond sisters are determined to find a Christmas tree in the forest.
They set out one day and look all day, they keep searching and searching, but they can't find one the suits them. They start getting hungry and tired. On top of that it's starting to get dark.

Eventually, one turns to the other and say, "Enough is enough; let's just settle for one that doesn't have ornaments."
 

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