Depression and Anxiety Thread

[SkylineObsession]

This was an Ub3r topic bump, but i'll ub3r quickly summarise me.

I have depression (doctor diagnosed) and have done for years (runs in the family, Dad has it and one of my brothers has it worse than me - he's nearly 30 and never had a job, has social anxiety and so on).

I did try antidepressants for a while, but the side effects (Aropax) were horrific. I gained 10kg (as did two other people i know who were on it), and had one side effect (brain 'zaps') that continued for 6 months to a year after i quit the drug cold turkey. I still occasionally get faint zaps 5+ years later.

I had social anxiety too, but due to a number of factors like getting a public service job (packing shelves in a busy supermarket for four years), meeting my future wife at a car club meet and a general willpower to force myself through it as best i can has made life a bit easier for me and my wife/family.

Now i can relatively confidently stand up in a crowded room and read a speech (like i did at my wedding - using lots of humour, and also at my brothers wedding i read a speech Dad had written since he couldn't afford to come back from the USA for it), which i've never been able to do before, even at school (i tried every trick in the book to get out of doing speeches in class).

I actually pretty much try to get peoples attention now (as opposed to staying in the shadows previously), and always try to make people laugh, in person and on the internet (unless i'm having a rant - which happens more on this forum than anywhere else sadly). A couple years ago i updated my Gran Turismo site to add in my sense of humour to every single page, and have plans to bring back my personal website which has other humorous (to me anyway) things i've done/written over the years.
I don't like using rude/offensive jokes/humour either, but i do try to do all the obvious jokes that no-one ever says, because people would give them strange looks or roll their eyes/facepalm etc. Thats who i really am.

I still have bad days, and so far over the past few months it has been pretty rough in terms of it taking over me again. I've just had no motivation at all to do anything - haven't kept in contact with friends/former workmates, haven't organised any meets for the Nissan Skyline car club i run, haven't really bothered with house/garden work (well, the house is still cleanish, but not like it used to be), have lost all motivation to update my Gran Turismo and Skyline club websites, and have basically been putting everything off/to the side as much as i could.

Trying to work through that all now, thankfully its starting to feel like i'm regaining control again.

But yeah. Unfortunately our youngest brother (who's wedding i read Dads speech at) has pretty much disowned us all, has adopted his wife's last name and hasn't spoken to any of us in over a year. We get the strong impression that they think depression is just an excuse/not a real medical condition etc, and thus they look down on us (it seems).
My depressed brother (and me too, for a number of years after i finished school in 2000) being on the welfare system doesn't help, as they (or she anyway - her family is better off than ours) consider that to be a bad thing (again, from our impression).
We've all decided to not contact them at all (every time we do it leads to arguments/them taking something the wrong way etc) and just let them get in contact when they are ready. Or if.

I'm kinda hoping that such a high profile person as Robin Williams taking his own life will show my brother and his wife that depression is serious stuff, and not 'just in our heads' (it is, but it isn't).

This was supposed to be a short blurb, but oh well.

 

[Michael88]

My manic phase of my depression is kicking in, which is always kind of scary. My thoughts are racing, my head spinning with negative thoughts that just wont stop - and even though I haven't slept more than 3 hours per day the last two weeks I feel so hyper that I can continue my office work plus weight lifting 1.5 hours / day.
Its very mentally draining though, my mental abilities are definitely impaired, I'm really slow and my short time memory is almost non-existent right now.

The really bad thing is that will go on for weeks till it goes away all of a sudden, and there is nothing I can do.

 

[W3H5]

My manic phase of my depression is kicking in, which is always kind of scary.

Have you tried a suppressant? Some heavy foods that are known to induce drowsiness?

I guess it's different for us all but I find that during the manic times I'm constantly buzzing an if I eat something heavy in gluten it takes the edge off and my brain slows down making me more grounded.

I can't say I mind the high when compared to the low of the depression but it's is sometimes hard to cope with and rest easily.

 

[MatskiMonk]

@Michael88

I don't have an answer (obviously) but I can relate. I find it immensely difficult to handle sometimes, and it's that discrepancy between how my mind races, and how slow I am to do anything that causes my anxiety to get even worse, especially with work related matters... It's like it takes me 4 hours to do 1 hours work because I'm so tired (average between 4 hours and no sleep a night for about 6-7 weeks now), but because my mind is racing, and all the time it's thinking "what the hell are you doing?", in the end it drains me like it took me 8 hours to do.

I'm not sure what you do when you speak of office work, but if it is affecting your work, my only suggestion is 'to-do' lists. I'll right 3 or 4 of them a day, for anything.. work and home, even it's "take shoes off, sit down for 5 mins, then get food out to defrost, etc. etc.", sometimes, I'll even right the same list out a couple of times, anything to focus the mind.

Do you think during the stages of mania, that weight-lifting helps? I'm sure it gives you something to focus the aggression on, and will tire you physically, but doesn't it get you even more pumped up?

 

[W3H5]

For tiredness, if you can manage it without getting in trouble, a lunch time snooze is something I find helpful.

After my meals I put my pillow on my desk and lay my head down. It's often not a full-on sleep, rather a snooze, and though I often wake up feeling drowsy it wears of within a few minutes and I recover a bit of energy from the snooze to boost me through to the end of the day.

 

[Michael88]

I'm not sure what you do when you speak of office work, but if it is affecting your work, my only suggestion is 'to-do' lists.

Nah, my job is relatively easy, at work I'm literally in zombie-mode, I do all the tasks automatically without thinking. Even doing customer service hardly requires me to think. The day is over before I even know it.

Do you think during the stages of mania, that weight-lifting helps? I'm sure it gives you something to focus the aggression on, and will tire you physically, but doesn't it get you even more pumped up?

No, during my manic phase lifting rigorously does nothing, it does burn energy but not nearly enough to make me feel relaxed. I'd have to lift many hours each day to achieve a beneficial effect, but lifting heavy weights for so long isn't only extremely dull, it would grind away your joints in no time at all.

Light cardio is a much, much better way. I like doing long walks in the woods, fresh air and nature paired with light cardio (brisk walking) cures even the worst insomnia. Just don't push too hard, sleep from exhaustion isn't going to make you feel any better. (Also afterburner-effect that keeps your heart rate elevated for hours) Healthy sleep is the goal.
Also take your camera with you, I've found that those are perfect conditions to make the best pics.

But there is a very obvious problem, in my case I work from dusk till dawn to keep me fed, walking in the woods at night doesn't have the desired effect, oddly. Probably because I can't enjoy natures beauty when all I see is some faint silhouettes of tree tops in the dark.

For tiredness, if you can manage it without getting in trouble, a lunch time snooze is something I find helpful.

Can't do that, I'm in a busy office. I know some people can sleep in their offices but I can't. I can ONLY and exclusively sleep in my own bed, the pillows have to be perfectly arranged, and I have to get into my favorite sleeping position. And thats without having a manic phase which makes sleeping even more difficult.

Have you tried a suppressant? Some heavy foods that are known to induce drowsiness?

I guess it's different for us all but I find that during the manic times I'm constantly buzzing an if I eat something heavy in gluten it takes the edge off and my brain slows down making me more grounded.

Sounds interesting, I'll give that a try! 💡

 

[polysmut]

I get it occasionally, around 1 month of the year is a fair estimate. I'm just coming out of a spell of it now. I did set off several times last month to look for railways to jump in front of trains but stopped myself before I got there. Most of the time I'm completely fine & really jolly, the malfunctions are rare. When it's going on I don't tell anybody & when it goes away I can't really remember how it felt.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I get it occasionally, around 1 month of the year is a fair estimate. I'm just coming out of a spell of it now. I did set off several times last month to look for railways to jump in front of trains but stopped myself before I got there. Most of the time I'm completely fine & really jolly, the malfunctions are rare. When it's going on I don't tell anybody & when it goes away I can't really remember how it felt.

You should really try and take the time to talk to someone about things, when your mood starts to drop... Serious thoughts of suicide are as good a warning sign as you will get...

...and please don't jump infront of a train, it can really hurt the lives of people that have nothing to do with you. My dad was feet away from a jumper about a decade ago, it hit him hard (no pun intended) and its still something that he struggles with today.

 

[polysmut]

You should really try and take the time to talk to someone about things, when your mood starts to drop... Serious thoughts of suicide are as good a warning sign as you will get...

...and please don't jump infront of a train, it can really hurt the lives of people that have nothing to do with you. My dad was feet away from a jumper about a decade ago, it hit him hard (no pun intended) and its still something that he struggles with today.

I do know better than to do it, the thoughts of it sometimes creep in & seem to dominate for a while but I'm definitely not going to. It doesn't even make sense to me now that I've escaped those thoughts, they sound a bit ridiculous now but occasionally it takes over. I try to remember what it felt like in case anybody needs advice but I don't find a good way to explain it properly.

I'm also aware that certain methods of suicide are potentially traumatic to unrelated bystanders but when you're at that point it seems to feel like nothing matters. I completely agree that it's unfair to open other people up to trauma like that, which is a huge case for not doing it in the first place. I remember thinking "it has to be now, before my sister's kids are old enough to remember me because it'll be unfair on them if they know about it". There are many, many other reasons not to do it of course too.

 

[Aki Ko]

So this past weekend, I've had another episode of depression that ruined my Friday and Saturday. The week beforehand was a pretty cloudy week, both in my head and in the sky. It was primarily over a relationship issue that I couldn't handle and took a week off as a way of trying to make that other person get hurt. The only person who was really hurting was me, however. Nearly all of the symptoms of depression returned, and I wanted to disconnect from everything- my life, the internet, social interactions, the lot. The thoughts of my death also returned, which I know is serious, but that's what happens to me every time I undergo depression. I knew the only way to fix things was to talk about it, and I did; I went from depressed to angry to on the verge of breaking down to a stable manner just within hours during Sunday. I'm too emotionally sensitive sometimes. I learned that it's better to talk about the situation at hand instead of trying to be passive aggressive and hope they'll get the message... because they sometimes don't.

This year has been a pretty bad year for me when it came to depression- I had it bad during the late wintertime this year and it was just as bad this time. It had caused me to start neglecting my health (due to my willingness to die at an early age), and now I'm probably susceptible to high blood pressure or whatever medical issue I could have; I rarely go to the doctor, not even for daily check-ups. And to be honest, I don't really care if I go or not; die at an early age or live to mid or old age. Get upset with me go ahead, but it's not going to change my mindset. It's too complicated to try and change.

 

[Dan]

I completely understand how you feel @Aki Ishikawa. I don't give a damn about myself or my body in particular because I too, want to die early.

"Treat your body like its a temple." Yeah right. More like a landfill.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I do know better than to do it, the thoughts of it sometimes creep in & seem to dominate for a while but I'm definitely not going to. It doesn't even make sense to me now that I've escaped those thoughts, they sound a bit ridiculous now but occasionally it takes over. I try to remember what it felt like in case anybody needs advice but I don't find a good way to explain it properly.

I agree, it can be difficult to overcome. I felt like a complete idiot the first time I sat in front of my GP and tried to explain myself, but I think it's important to remember that if you've taken any physical action that could be severely detrimental to your health, or possibly fatal, then actually there is a tangible issue, and it needs to be addressed. I think one of the dangerous things about depression is how much it can skew ones perspective, and it makes it very difficult to tackle alone - I think the fact that you judge your own thoughts and actions to be ridiculous is in a way a good thing, it shows that you recognise what's happening as a problem, rather than just accepting it and taking the self pity route, but you say it yourself, these thoughts can take over... it only takes one bad decision during these periods, and its Game Over.

Maybe next time you're in a slump, right down your feelings, or even just make a video on your phone or something. It might make it easier for you to understand, or articulate to another.

I knew the only way to fix things was to talk about it, and I did; I went from depressed to angry to on the verge of breaking down to a stable manner just within hours during Sunday. I'm too emotionally sensitive sometimes. I learned that it's better to talk about the situation at hand instead of trying to be passive aggressive and hope they'll get the message... because they sometimes don't.

Sorry to hear things aren't good with you at the moment, but this actually sounded pretty positive, it's great that you talk about it and that you recognise the difference between passive agression (a negative thing) and just talking through an issue (much more positive). It might not be true for everyone, but I think the rollercoaster of emotions you felt afterwards in a totally normally release of emotions that got blocked up behind your depression. For me, the sooner I talk about things, or address the issues, the less the other emotions build-up, and the easier the rollercoaster is to deal with afterwards.

I completely understand how you feel @Aki Ishikawa. I don't give a damn about myself or my body in particular because I too, want to die early."Treat your body like its a temple." Yeah right. More like a landfill.

Get upset with me go ahead, but it's not going to change my mindset. It's too complicated to try and change.

This doesn't make me upset with you, but I am sad to hear it. I'm pretty sure it's a thought that most people with serious depression have had at one time or another. All I can say is that pretty much every professional that's given me advice has included eating right and a little bit of exercise. I know it's tough, but they're two pretty simple things that can help build up your mental strength to better deal with things. Exercise can release all sorts of good chemicals into the brain, while eating **** food gives the body even more to cope with, and doesn't give it the things it needs for healthy development - and that includes the brain. Fundamentally though, you have to want to get better.


Sorry to anyone if I sound preachy. What I'm always getting at is pretty simple... recognise the problems, take action and don't think you have to tackle it alone.


... hmm, that post was longer than I intended. Sorry if there's major typo's - my depression has been causing me some pretty severe insomnia for months now -- think I need to take some of my own advice

 

[Dan]

Fundamentally though, you have to want to get better.

But the thing is, I don't want to get better.

 

[ULTRAVIOLENZZ]

 

[MatskiMonk]

But the thing is, I don't want to get better.

Can you clarify that a bit.. do you mean you are apathetic to your mental state, or your prefer feeling how you do?

 

[Dan]

Can you clarify that a bit.. do you mean you are apathetic to your mental state, or your prefer feeling how you do?

I don't like wanting to die every second of every day. I don't want help because I know I'm never going to do anything with my life and the only thing I ever do is give up.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I don't like wanting to die every second of every day. I don't want help because I know I'm never going to do anything with my life and the only thing I ever do is give up.

Okay, it's probably just about the text book definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you hold on to that attitude, of course that is what will happen.

Can I ask how old you are? I really don't want to patronise - obviously I don't know much about your life experience, but based purely on my own experience - there comes a time in life when you realise how much you've lost by not pushing yourself to make a change.... I've never felt quite the same sick feeling of dread and despair when I think about my late teens, my twenties and my early thirties as I do these days... if I could go back and punch the **** out of myself for holding on to the anger and the self-pity I had when I was 18 I would. I'm not going to get that time back, my life is half over, with barely a hand-full of good times to look back on, thanks to self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing and self-abuse -- and the only person that I can really blame is myself... I would hate to think that's where you are now, and I would really hate it if that's the course you let yourself sail.

Just my two cents. I'm really don't want to sound like I'm bustin' ya balls.

You can't loose hope because you failed to climb a mountain in one-step, all you've got to do is take one step at a time. Focus on smaller goals, more achievable targets.

 

[Dan]

Okay, it's probably just about the text book definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you hold on to that attitude, of course that is what will happen.

Can I ask how old you are? I really don't want to patronise - obviously I don't know much about your life experience, but based purely on my own experience - there comes a time in life when you realise how much you've lost by not pushing yourself to make a change.... I've never felt quite the same sick feeling of dread and despair when I think about my late teens, my twenties and my early thirties as I do these days... if I could go back and punch the **** out of myself for holding on to the anger and the self-pity I had when I was 18 I would. I'm not going to get that time back, my life is half over, with barely a hand-full of good times to look back on, thanks to self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing and self-abuse -- and the only person that I can really blame is myself... I would hate to think that's where you are now, and I would really hate it if that's the course you let yourself sail.

Just my two cents. I'm really don't want to sound like I'm bustin' ya balls.

You can't loose hope because you failed to climb a mountain in one-step, all you've got to do is take one step at a time. Focus on smaller goals, more achievable targets.

I'm 17. I just don't see the point of trying to change anything. I feel like I'm a burden, a nuisance, and an inconvenience to just about everyone.

 

[G.T.Ace]

I don't like wanting to die every second of every day. I don't want help because I know I'm never going to do anything with my life and the only thing I ever do is give up.

This will change a lot once you actually seek help, believe me.
It's a long and exhausting process, but more than worth it.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I'm 17. I just don't see the point of trying to change anything. I feel like I'm a burden, a nuisance, and an inconvenience to just about everyone.

The point is it's your life... it's horrendously 'facebook-motivational-poster-with-a-picture-of-a-sunset' to say this, but you do only get one. The point is, nothing will change if you don't try... it really is as simple as that. I'm hearing Tyler Durden in my ears... "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time".

The world is a big place, with a lot of people in it. And honestly, there's a good number of them that are dicks.. and yes, these people may well find you to be a burden, or a nuisance or an inconvenience, but that doesn't mean to say everyone will, and it absolutely doesn't mean that you should put the worry of perhaps mildly inconveniencing someone for a small amount of their time above you health and sanity for the next 70 YEARS. You're 17, you can't possibly have crapped on enough people so far in your life to be able to justify having such a low opinion of your own worth - I mean what did you do that was so bad that the next 70 years of your life isn't worth 60 minutes of someone elses? Besides which, there are also a lot of good people in the world, people that will help, people for which you are not a nuisance or a burden - these people might be friends, they might be strangers, but there's plenty of them around.

Think about this. Are you the fountain of all human kindness, are you special, are you the greatest saint in the world? Or, are you actually, by most simple judgements, an average kind of guy? If you were walking down the street, and an elderly woman, someones grandma, tripped and fell to the ground in front of you, and was struggling to get up, would you want to help her, or would you just see her as a burden, or a nuisance and leave her? Man I'm hoping you'd help her or my motivational analogy falls down! Would nobody step in? My point is that people will, and do, help people in need.... Not everyone is qualified, or is the right person to ask, some people might not have the kindness to give... so here's two goals to maybe think about, First... try and identify a person who you can talk to, a professional, a friend, anybody - I'm not saying talk to them, just think about who it would be... Second, think about what you would answer when you say "I know I'm never going to do anything with my life and the only thing I ever do is give up." and they say, "Why do you give up".... because if you hit them straight back with negativity, or make it sound like you don't want, then yeah, they might give up there and then.

... maybe you've already done this, maybe it didn't work... maybe you put in a perfect lap of the ring first time, or maybe or took you a few goes... I don't know that.

Again, just my two cents, I'm not qualified, and I probably do sound like a broken record, but really you can't give up on your life so easily, not at such an early stage in the game.

 

[terminator363]

For tiredness, if you can manage it without getting in trouble, a lunch time snooze is something I find helpful.

After my meals I put my pillow on my desk and lay my head down. It's often not a full-on sleep, rather a snooze, and though I often wake up feeling drowsy it wears of within a few minutes and I recover a bit of energy from the snooze to boost me through to the end of the day.

For tiredness I recommend getting physically exhausted. I mean seriously push yourself, go for a very long run or very long bike ride. You should feel very active for the rest of the day / next few days. Going to the gym is fine (but I recommend long persisting exercises outdoors to keep you from falling asleep every 0.5 seconds). Also don't do this during a lunch break, dedicate the whole day/night (on a day off preferably ) to finish the exercise.

 

[kennylmao]

@CallmeDan Do you watch anime?

@Aki Ishikawa One of my long term goals in life is to not die by age 30. Like the guy from The Lotus Eater, just the other way around. When I reach 30 though, then we'll see. I'll review my life and see if I'm happy/contented with it. See if I've done all the thing I wanted to do/try in life.

I can't possibly imagine how you feel but think about all the things you've yet to do!

 

[Dan]

@CallmeDan Do you watch anime?

Nope. The only anime I have watched in the last four years (roughly) was Interstella 5555 (but that was more like a really long music video for Daft Punk's Discovery album) and the first two episodes of Initial D last year. Maybe later than that. I forgot.

 

[Michael88]

Depression has gotten unbearable, my coping methods which worked for over a decade don't do it anymore.
My life feels like a never ending battle, with the worst being that there is no victory to claim, only the struggle remains. Every time I think I have reached the bottom and I tell myself things can only improve from now on bad luck lands another strike and my descend continues. It has been like that for over one year now.
My health is degrading rapidly too, partly due to my mental condition, partly due other reasons which are beyond anyones control - like I'm slowly decaying from the inside out.

Am I supposed to go and get professional help? What for, the doc cannot tell me anything I haven't already told myself a thousand times, they can neither solve nor help me solve my problems or change my outlook. Sharing problems has never improved my situation either.

And why am I even posting this crap here...

 

[Dan]

I really want to help you, but I don't know how to without sounding like a broken record.

 

[The Bman]

One of the problems I have with depression is that I feel that very few people like me and would rather ignore me. Often I'll try and start a conversation with somebody and either they ignore me or give me a "What the hell?" look. This happens nearly all the time, and its like I have to make a move the moment I meet someone to become their friend.

That is the primary reason I'm so depressed, because I get treated like a "social reject".

 

[Michael88]

I really want to help you, but I don't know how to without sounding like a broken record.

Telling myself that things are bound to improve and working hard on it helped me to soldier on for a decade, it worked great, but my I'm finally getting tired from hoping and failing.
I'm completely drained and empty, I'm finally too tired to lie to myself.

There is no help if there is no hope left and nothing to look forward to.

 

[EF12345678]

Depression has gotten unbearable, my coping methods which worked for over a decade don't do it anymore.
My life feels like a never ending battle, with the worst being that there is no victory to claim, only the struggle remains. Every time I think I have reached the bottom and I tell myself things can only improve from now on bad luck lands another strike and my descend continues. It has been like that for over one year now.
My health is degrading rapidly too, partly due to my mental condition, partly due other reasons which are beyond anyones control - like I'm slowly decaying from the inside out.

Am I supposed to go and get professional help? What for, the doc cannot tell me anything I haven't already told myself a thousand times, they can neither solve nor help me solve my problems or change my outlook. Sharing problems has never improved my situation either.

You need something to hold tight to. Some hope. Something that you know you can do! Go help people, something to make you feel good about yourself. You see that man on the side of the road? Give him some food and a few books to read. Anything to jump start a good feeling about yourself. Like caring for pets? Go to a shelter. Do something to benefit your community. Do something to make you forget about those things that depress you. Running is also a great way to do that.

And why am I even posting this crap here...

Destiny perhaps?

 

[Aki Ko]

My problem with depression comes from relationship issues and just not having a stable mind. Relationship issues are the reason I would rather to be single rather than trying to find someone who actually will stick by me, not me having to stick to them. Despite me being able to find someone on here, I still feel partly empty. I don't have any solidity or confidence even after a few months.
Then, you have me being mentally unstable by my point-of-view. I can smile, I can seem happy, I can appear as fine; but there is always one part in my head that makes me not fine. I have a strange obsession with me having thoughts about being murdered, or killed by something. Sometimes, I am not willing to tolerate some behaviors, especially from children. In school, I'm able to social with my so called "friends", but I don't feel that they are as much as a friend as the term should stand for. As a result, I feel more of an outsider, a wanderer.

If you were to ask me, I would rather be dead than having to deal with the ever-changing cycle of socializing with others and the sudden solitariness with nothing in the middle. I just cannot cope with that at my age now and probably won't later in age.
But people are quick to judge people who commit suicide.

And why am I even posting this crap here...

You know that you are not alone here...

If you feel that way, there isn't much I can say to change that. Sometimes, even I don't have any hope for much. I just fall and let things happen. Maybe you need to go out for a walk or visit a spa.

 

[Michael88]

You need something to hold tight to. Some hope. Something that you know you can do! Go help people, something to make you feel good about yourself. You see that man on the side of the road? Give him some food and a few books to read. Anything to jump start a good feeling about yourself. Like caring for pets? Go to a shelter. Do something to benefit your community. Do something to make you forget about those things that depress you. Running is also a great way to do that.

Destiny perhaps?

I always give the poor because its the right thing to do, but to be perfectly honest that has never lifted my mood or made me feel better. Donation only work one way it seems.

Running? I've been lifting weights / powerlifting and semi-competitive cycling for 9 years and I've become really good in it, but it gets increasingly harder because I feel so drained, I have zero motivation and my health is decaying.

I have really absolutely nothing to look forward to, like in nothing at all. The only thing that kept me going for years and years was hope, but after so many years of hoping I have become tired of lying to myself. There is not the slightest hint that my life will improve in the future. Instead I have hard facts that say it will only get worse.

Destiny?

If something like destiny exists it can be a terrible, terrible thing. Countless of people had and have a destiny full of nothing but despair and suffering with a terrible agonizing end.