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- London
Some amusing facts of life:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. Lazy man's idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It isn't the jeans that make your ass look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
39. If you are not replaceable, you are not promotable
Submitted by Der Alta
40. Man who goes to sleep with with an itchy butt, wakes up with a smelly finger.
Submitted by Wallrunner51
41. Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Submitted by philly cheese
42. Time can be money and your worst enemy at the same time.
Submitted by Ozzy.
43. Don't lend people money, it gives them amnesia...
Submitted by X-Othermic
44. The amount of people walking or driving slowly in front of you is proportional to how urgently you need to get somewhere.
Submitted by ultrabeat
45. You aren't totally useless. You can be used as a bad example.
Submitted by dustdriver
46.The one who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
Submitted by dustdriver
47. When you go shopping with the wife, after three hours of walking around, always expect to revisit the first shop she visited three hours ago, and then only to realize the item she now wants more than anything in the world is sold and out of stock.
Submitted by Sphinx
48. Having a clean conscience, is a symptom of memory loss.
Submitted by Il Padrino
My favorite is no.3
Post some of your own if you want....but they have to be good or funny!
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. Lazy man's idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It isn't the jeans that make your ass look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
39. If you are not replaceable, you are not promotable
Submitted by Der Alta
40. Man who goes to sleep with with an itchy butt, wakes up with a smelly finger.
Submitted by Wallrunner51
41. Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Submitted by philly cheese
42. Time can be money and your worst enemy at the same time.
Submitted by Ozzy.
43. Don't lend people money, it gives them amnesia...
Submitted by X-Othermic
44. The amount of people walking or driving slowly in front of you is proportional to how urgently you need to get somewhere.
Submitted by ultrabeat
45. You aren't totally useless. You can be used as a bad example.
Submitted by dustdriver
46.The one who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
Submitted by dustdriver
47. When you go shopping with the wife, after three hours of walking around, always expect to revisit the first shop she visited three hours ago, and then only to realize the item she now wants more than anything in the world is sold and out of stock.
Submitted by Sphinx
48. Having a clean conscience, is a symptom of memory loss.
Submitted by Il Padrino
My favorite is no.3
Post some of your own if you want....but they have to be good or funny!
