How far is far?

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milefile

milefile

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**Just skip to the last sentence if you're not interested in why I am asking.

My family and I will be moving in the near future. Our house will be on the market in a week or so, and we've already started looking at model homes. Real estate in Phoenix has skyrocketed in the past few years, and the size and location we want is out of reach as long we we stay "centrally located", which if you live in Phoenix is a three mile wide strip running north and south through the center of Phoneix. People who've lived here for a long time are very provincial about it. Their world is very small and they haven't noticed that the Phoenix area had something like trippled in size and population in the past 20 years or so. To them anything outside this little strip through central Phoenix is "B.F.E." or "way out there". But due to current market conditions my wife and I have decided to move about 20 miles west of where we live now. This takes us both farther from work, farther from my inlaws (tsk tsk, pity), and closer to my Parents. My drive will be about 35 miles and my wife's will be about 20. I can carpool, too. It's worth it to us because we can move into a beautiful, brand new house where we picked everything form lanscaping to coutertops to the lot, for a fraction of what the same house would cost in this little narrow strip of Phoenix.

The inlaws are livid. They are prime example of this snobby little provincialism. And not only that but they're acting like we told them we're moving to China or something. Back in Illinios my family was scattered all over the place. Many families live in separate states. All we're doing is moving a few towns over and they are acting like we've somehow slighted them. They show no interest in it at all and they even make smart ass remarks and critical comments any chance they get. Frankly I have not seen adults act so childish in a long time. All of this just so my wife and son and I can have enough room to live comfortably and within our budget. All this over a 40 miute drive for them. They haven't even considered the long term financial benefits for us, the better neighborhoods and schools, and the great prices that won't be great forever. You'd think they'd be happy for their daughter and grandson improving their living standard. But their not. It simultaneously baffles me and pisses me off.

So anyway. How far is far? do you think driving 35 miles to work is too far?
 
35 miles over mostly highway isn't bad at all. 35 miles of stop and go intersection driving would drive me bat-sh$t in about a day.

Sounds like your inlaws aren't being very reasonable --are they mostly upset because it means less frequent visits or some other kind of social-economic reasons?


M
 
How far is to far? Driving to California from Michigan is far. Driving 35 miles to work is just a long commute.
 
I would measure the commute in minutes. For me, anything under a 20 min drive is nothing, 40 min is reasonable, around an hour could piss me off if I really want to get where I'm going, and an hour and an half or more is a trip that I have to plan for (like, shoudl I bring snacks/water?)
 
Exactly what ///M said. I used to drive a 70-mile round trip to work, but it was along a stretch of interstate that had very little traffic during normal hours. It was an inconvenience at times, but mostly not.

Maybe it's just my mood, bet screw 'em. If they can't see the advantages, or even just support the idea that their daughter thinks it's a good idea and she's a big girl, then that's just too damn bad on them.
 
35 miles over mostly highway isn't bad at all. 35 miles of stop and go intersection driving would drive me bat-sh$t in about a day.
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The commute will be about one third main road and two thirds freeway. I hear from others it's around 40 minutes.
Sounds like your inlaws aren't being very reasonable --are they mostly upset because it means less frequent visits or some other kind of social-economic reasons?
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Totally unreasonable. I think it boils down to the fact that my mother-in-law watches our son in the afternoons. Once we move she will have to drive out of her way or stop watching him. The latter is more likely for two reasons: firstly, she won't make the drive, and secondly, he's getting to the age where we'll want him around other kids so our plan is to put him in part time daycare, three afternoons a week, after we move, which could be a while since we have to wait for a house to be built.
 
If they can't see the advantages, or even just support the idea that their daughter thinks it's a good idea and she's a big girl, then that's just too damn bad on them.
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My sentiments exactly, and my wife's. They are the ones causing all this tension, not us.

What gets me is twenty years ago they bought their house new, and at the time their neighborhood was "B.F.E." Now it's "centrally located". :rolleyes:
 
Originally posted by milefile
The commute will be about one third main road and two thirds freeway. I hear from others it's around 40 minutes.
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Doesn't sound bad at all. I think there's a website that compiles statistics on national commute times by region. The national average I believe is just under an hour.

Hehe. Here's a commute from hell: when I was in my 20s, I used to commute into NYC from a suburb. I lost my mind and tried driving in for a few months ---1 hour and 30 minutes in New York stop and go traffic, then $12 for an underground parking spot and then another 1 hour and a half home. OMG I was about to go postal about a month into it. Scarily, it was only marginally faster and cheaper taking the train.

EDIT: I ended up solving the problem by just moving to Manhattan. On of the best moves I ever made.

Originally posted by milefile
Totally unreasonable. I think it boils down to the fact that my mother-in-law watches our son in the afternoons. Once we move she will have to drive out of her way or stop watching him.
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Ahhhh. "Taking away" the grandson. Sounds like the heart of the matter. I've seen a few cases of grandparents get very attached to their grandchildren.

My wife and I are planning to move to central New Jersey next summer. Her mother, who lives just 2 hours away in Panama City Beach is totally freaked out over the prospect. However, she isn't hostile or hateful about it... just very sad. It makes me wonder how I'll feel when I get older... I can't even fathom my own little girl going away to summer camp, much less college and then a life of her own choosing.


M
 
How far is far? Well your in-laws frankly have gone to far in this point. I mean their own Daughter and grandson are improving their lives but they want to sit there and complain over a 40 minute drive and the fact that they will have to put in more of an effort to see them. I can't agree with what they are doing.

The reason for my view on this is because the closest relative directly in my family (meaning mother, father, sister, or borhter) ware at least 1500 miles from me. They know that I am here because of my lifestyle, and how I want to live. I do not like the fact Milefile that your in-laws would act this childish. Have you tried sitting down with them and just being as blunt as possible and tell them to get over it, because you are trying to improve their Daughter's life and their Grandson's life. Maybe you should make it clear about that. I don't know the full situation, but I can at least lend some advice with my knowledge of the situation. : )
 
far is going 200 miles one way staying a day there and going home another 200 miles the next day, thats far, and anoying
 
Originally posted by spock
far is going 200 miles one way staying a day there and going home another 200 miles the next day, thats far, and anoying
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try 1200 miles in three days with less then 6 hours of sleep in that period.
 
However, she isn't hostile or hateful about it... just very sad.
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I'd expect that. I'd even think it's weird if they didn't feel that way. But even still, two hours is a lot farther than 40 minutes.

And the mother-in-law is perhaps a little too attached to her grandson, in my opinion. She acts like he's her kid and it annoys me frequently. In fact I think it's disrespectful. It'd take far to long for me to explain how she does this because a lot of it is subtle. This woman is so passive-agressive, petty, and vindictive you can never know what she means by anything she does or says, but over time you start to figure it out. It's very disappointing. I'm just glad 14 month olds can't perceive such things.

It's partly a competitive thing for her, too. Right now we live close to them and farther from my parents. After we move this will be reversed and it kills her. Missing a grandson is one thing, but envy and spite for his other grandmother is another.

It might sound nasty but we are both kind of looking forward to taking him away from her. You should hear my wife go off about this stuff. I have to take cover.
 
Have you tried sitting down with them and just being as blunt as possible and tell them to get over it, because you are trying to improve their Daughter's life and their Grandson's life.
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Last Sunday I tried expaining our reasons and felt like I was talking to a wall. The mother-in-law was sighing and muttering things under her breath. The father-in-law seemed more along the lines of what I'd consider rational behavior. It got to where talking to them was just pissing me off so I lost my appetite (Sunday dinner) and clammed up. My wife warned me this would happen but I was sure she was wrong. I thought "how could they not be excited and happy for us?" Now I kow.

When our son was born my parents lived 1900 miles away. They didn't even get to meet him until he was three months old. And my mother-in-law loved that. She'd ask me about my parents all the time, then when their move date was finalized and getting closer she never mentioned them again. It was a threat to her exclusive grandmother status. Pitiful. When speaking to my wife, she refers to my mom as "your mother-in-law", even if I am right there.
 
Originally posted by milefile
Last Sunday I tried expaining our reasons and felt like I was talking to a wall. The mother-in-law was sighing and muttering things under her breath. The father-in-law seemed more along the lines of what I'd consider rational behavior. It got to where talking to them was just pissing me off so I lost my appetite (Sunday dinner) and clammed up. My wife warned me this would happen but I was sure she was wrong. I thought "how could they not be excited and happy for us?" Now I kow.

When our son was born my parents lived 1900 miles away. They didn't even get to meet him until he was three months old. And my mother-in-law loved that. She'd ask me about my parents all the time, then when their move date was finalized and getting closer she never mentioned them again. It was a threat to her exclusive grandmother status. Pitiful. When speaking to my wife, she refers to my mom as "your mother-in-law", even if I am right there.
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Ouch my friend. I don't know what to tell you. I feel sorry for your in-laws to tell the truth. I believe they might be going through the whole "Trying to live their life through someone else" thing. That is one of the possibilities that it sounds to me. When it boils down to it, They are not the ones that choose where you bring your family. Your Son and wife do have a major say in all of it, but the in-laws or even your parents truly have no grounds to speak on. Not to spit hostilities over a family, because the reaction to that will not be good, I would basically give them the "Sucks to you then." speech. If they can't act mature enough to visit 40 minutes away, then they might be a negative influence on the whole situation. Again, I don't have any answers, I just have opinions here.
 
Dang. Sounds like your mother in law has issues. :shudders: bleh, I can't stand petty, passive-aggressive people. Someone in my extended family is just like that and its all I can do to avoid that person during gatherings. I much prefer open and honest disfunctionality. :lol:


M
 
Originally posted by ///M-Spec
Dang. Sounds like your mother in law has issues. :shudders: bleh, I can't stand petty, passive-aggressive people. Someone in my extended family is just like that and its all I can do to avoid that person during gatherings. I much prefer open and honest disfunctionality. :lol:


M
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Sounds like my whole Step-Family in South Florida to tell the truth. You want Straight up Open and honest disfunctionality? I take you to meet them :lol: They make Milefile's in-laws look like amateurs, but still an issue non the less. How are you planning on dealing with the issue now then Mile?
 
How are you planning on dealing with the issue now then Mile?
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Someday in the next wweek or two she will come over to pick Alex up for the afternoon and there will be a Remax sign in out yard. Maybe then they will see this is not an option for them, that we are moving, and there's nothing they can do about it. Maybe then it will start to sink in and they will accept it. I thnk her dad will come around. He drives 30 miles to work every day. Her mom may never come around. Old dogs and new tricks, yadda yadda. We'll see. It'll be more her loss than our's, that's for shure.
 
Originally posted by milefile
Someday in the next week or two she will come over to pick Alex up for the afternoon and there will be a Remax sign in out yard. Maybe then they will see this is not an option for them, that we are moving, and there's nothing they can do about it. Maybe then it will start to sink in and they will accept it. I think her dad will come around. He drives 30 miles to work every day. Her mom may never come around. Old dogs and new tricks, yadda yadda. We'll see. It'll be more her loss than our's, that's for sure.
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That is a great name : )

I would have to agree it definately will be her loss. Maybe you just need someone to sink it into her that there is no way of stopping this. Is she a control freak by any chance?


PS, why does it have to be "How far is far"? Why can't it be "Close like a Lingerie shop without a window"?
 
It's tough, mile, because it sounds like you need to move far enough away so that you don't need to see them all the time but you need to be close enough to avoid the stay-over visit.

I think you're pretty much in that zone with 2 hours. It's enough to discourage visiting, but if they were to stay until 8 pm they could still go home... not bad.
 
I think too far would be when you get 120+ mi. roundtrips... My dad's roundtrip commute is about 90 miles, and it's fairly tolerable, especially since about 70 of those miles are on the freeway. We live about 10 miles from any form of civilization though, so that's an inconvenience at times (no "quick grocery trips" or anything).
 
I drive 25 miles to work everyday, so I kind of know what you're talking about milefile.

Its not really that far for me. Unless their are delays on the highway, then the time seems to fly by.
 

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