joke

[Nissan_Racer]

One day a man walks into a bar with an emu and a cat. The man sits down at the bar and orders a drink he asks the emu if he wants anything the emu agrees, then the man asks the cat the cat agrees but says sternly ok but im not paying! The bar tender tells the man the tab is $7.50 the man takes out exactly $7.50 sets it on the counter. They drink the drinks and then leave. The bar tender watches the same routine every day, they come in order the same drinks and he offers the emu a drink and it accepts then he asks the cat the cat says ok but im not paying, then they get the tab for $7.50 and the man pulls out $7.50 without even looking at his money. Then one day the man comes in and says I had a bad day can I get a harder drink, then he offers the emu and the cat, the emu responds sure and the cat yells im not paying! The bar tender tells him the tab is $13.73 and the man pulls out $13.73 without looking. By this time the bartender becomes very curious and decides to ask how he keeps pulling out the exact amount. The man sighs and begins to tell the story, "well" the man started "I was out walking one day and I found this lamp, I rubbed it and out popped a genie, that told me I had 2 wishes. Only two why not three? The whole three wish thing is a rumor,’ said the genie ‘I thought for a little bit and told the genie 'For my first wish I want be able to walk into a place order something and have the exact amount whether it is a 99 cent candy bar or a $400,000 Bentley, I will have exact change' then poof! The genie grants the wish and the genie says "now for your last wish". The man thinks for a little while and then tells the genie, "I have many things and with my new powers I wont need much more, but money cant buy sex(legally) so I would like a chick with long legs and a tight p-u-s-s-y, and I got stuck with these two.

 

[HIGH ON LIFE]

hahahahha not bad....not bad at all

 

[Danny]

You squeezed a chuckle out of me.:tup:

 

[Nasadus]

A man is sitting in a bar late one evening, when the bartender makes his "last call." The man decides he'll have one more for the road. After he finishes his drink, he stands up and then falls down. He's very confused, thinking, "Gee, I haven't had that much to drink. I'll just crawl to the door."

So, he crawls to the door, tries again to stand up and falls down. Again, he says to himself, "I know I haven't had that much to drink. But it's lucky I live just around the corner. I'll crawl home."

When he gets home, he tries to stand up again and again, he falls down. He thinks to himself, "This is ridiculous, I KNOW I didn't drink that much. I'll just crawl into bed, and I'll feel better in the morning."

In the morning, his wife comes into the room and says, "You went out and got trashed last night, didn't you?"

He replies, "No! I only had a couple of beers. I did not get trashed!"

"Oh, yes you did," she says. "The bar just called. You left your wheelchair there last night!"

 

[livemusic]

Both are good, first one is better. And I don´t even know what a emu is. Just looked in the dictionary, it´s exactly what I thought it was.

 

[Neon_SRT]

emu are birds with long legs. kind of like an ostridge(sp?)

good storys but the first one is funnier.

 

[Nasadus]

I got another one.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."



What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean it up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!"


What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

 

[livemusic]

👍

 

[Neon_SRT]

that one was great!

 

[Nasadus]

Not a big audience lol.


A New York State of Mind:

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Viva la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest -- everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?!"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, ya joirk."

I found another good one:

Is Your Computer Male or Female?:

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female. (E.g., "Steady as she goes," or, "She's listing a bit to the starboard, Captain!") Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow.

Five reasons to believe that computers are female:

1. No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message, "Bad command or file name," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as male. Their reasons follow.

Five reasons to believe that computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night

 

[Neon_SRT]

Awesome storys! keep em coming

 

[Nasadus]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I sure as @#*! didn't!"

 

[Heihachi]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I sure as @#*! didn't!"

heh heh