Jokes... in the REAL world... (Caution Advised)
- Thread starter Famine
- 117 comments
- 11,151 views
- 30,124
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
The barman says "Sorry, unless you're buying a drink I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
Joke version here...
The barman says "Sorry, unless you're buying a drink I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
Joke version here...
- 900
- Devon
An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are walking along the highstreet when they find a ladder in their path. They cant decide whether to walk under the ladder and risk bad luck, or to walk into the road and tempt comical consequences. The Irishman is supersticious and duely steps around the ladder after carefully making sure there are no cars coming. The Scotsman isnt bothered so walks under the ladder and shares his opinion on the matter stating how he feels it is unreasonable to link walking under a ladder with bad luck. The Englishman having a totaly irrational fear of roads and ladders turns around and takes an alternate route.
- 4,822
- Concord, CA
- kylehnat
Three friends are at a swimming pool. One ascends the high-dive ladder, while the other two stay on the deck to watch. As the diver walks out onto the board, he slips. While falling, he whacks his nether regions on the corner of the board, and then also his head. One of the two friends on the deck below quips "Now that's what I call The Nutcracker!". Both friends start laughing hysterically. While they revel in the genius of the one-liner, their diving friend drowns.
Danoff
Premium
- 34,431
- Mile High City
What's the easiest way to kill a blonde?
Shoot her.
Why did the blonde girl have chipped teeth?
Because she fell off her bike.
A dollar bill is lying on the ground near Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and a smart blonde. Which one picks it up first?
None of them, a dollar isn't worth anything these days.
How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?
Use a ladder.
Why did the blonde girl turn on the light after sex?
Because she was going to take a shower.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Her name.
What goes blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A joke.
Shoot her.
Why did the blonde girl have chipped teeth?
Because she fell off her bike.
A dollar bill is lying on the ground near Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and a smart blonde. Which one picks it up first?
None of them, a dollar isn't worth anything these days.
How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?
Use a ladder.
Why did the blonde girl turn on the light after sex?
Because she was going to take a shower.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Her name.
What goes blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A joke.
- 30,124
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
John Thompson as Bernard Righton
(Warning: contains an expletive near the end!)
"What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof?
The Skoda Estelle Sport"
- 30,124
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
He's English - probably most well known (comedy-wise) for 'The Fast Show' - this character, Bernard Righton, was a 'support act' for comedian Steve Coogan. Coogan plays multiple characters and has to go off stage and change for several minutes at a time, hence the need for a 'filler' or support act such as John Thompson or Simon Pegg ('Shaun Of The Dead').
- 30,124
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Almost on-topic! 
A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp.
The owner of the shop say "I'm sorry, we don't sell wasps - they are insects, and if you really wanted one, why don't you just trap one in a jar or something?"
The man says "But you've got one in the window!"
The owner says, "Yes, we're having a real problem with them - I think there must be a nest nearby or something - I wouldn't worry so much about it but my daughter is allergic and if one of them stung her it could be fatal."
A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp.
The owner of the shop say "I'm sorry, we don't sell wasps - they are insects, and if you really wanted one, why don't you just trap one in a jar or something?"
The man says "But you've got one in the window!"
The owner says, "Yes, we're having a real problem with them - I think there must be a nest nearby or something - I wouldn't worry so much about it but my daughter is allergic and if one of them stung her it could be fatal."
- 4,181
- bboygen / GTP_Gen
I was on a bus once and was telling this joke to my friend.
Me: What are epileptics in the bath good for?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Doing your washing.
Both of us were laughing until the man sitting behind us tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't think that's funny, my grandson was an epileptic and he died having a fit in the bath."
We both turned around and went very red.
At the next stop, the man stood up to get off.
"He choked on a sock." he said.
Me: What are epileptics in the bath good for?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Doing your washing.
Both of us were laughing until the man sitting behind us tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't think that's funny, my grandson was an epileptic and he died having a fit in the bath."
We both turned around and went very red.
At the next stop, the man stood up to get off.
"He choked on a sock." he said.
- 30,124
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Ha ha... that guy really called your bluff!
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a monkey?
In the first instance, you will probably get a written warning from the National Association for Ethical Genetic Research and then your lab may face closure if subsequent breaches of ethical research standards are discovered... (and very possibly protests from animal rights activists as well)
or
A dead monkey?
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a monkey?
In the first instance, you will probably get a written warning from the National Association for Ethical Genetic Research and then your lab may face closure if subsequent breaches of ethical research standards are discovered... (and very possibly protests from animal rights activists as well)
or
A dead monkey?
- 4,181
- bboygen / GTP_Gen
No I'm pretty sure it's time to move away from the zoo, call animal control and get your lawyer on the line to discuss legal issues against the zoo. Not to mention stay in the house as not to alert the elephant to your position.
Q: What do you get when Michael Jackson drives in to the back of a Ford Pinto at 100MPH?
A: A fiery crash
Q: What do you get if you stalk a blonde home at midnight?
A: A court case
Man 1: :Knocks on door twice:
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: Mr. Harris
Man 2: Mr. Harris who?
Mr. Harris: That is incorrect grammar. You see, you should have said 'What is your first name, Mr. Harris?'
A man walks into a bar, gets drunk and sees an alien and his spacecraft, he runs to the police station and tells them, frantically 'We are going to be killed by aliens! They have big laser guns and will vaporize us!' He grabs a noose and tries to hang himself, shouting 'I don't want to be vaporised!' Quickly, the police chief saves him and sends him to a mental hospital.
6 months later, a professional photographer is out and about with his camera, when he sees the same alien that the drunk saw! He takes a picture and takes it to the police, realising that they have sent the drunk to a mental hospital for no reason, they let him go. He then sues the police £30,000 for the pain he suffered at the mental hospital, and the alien was captured by the government and sent to Area 51 for further test. It was later revealed that the alien was a dummy, planted by the neighbourhood pranksters as a joke, they were fined and let off with a warning
A: A fiery crash
Q: What do you get if you stalk a blonde home at midnight?
A: A court case
Man 1: :Knocks on door twice:
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: Mr. Harris
Man 2: Mr. Harris who?
Mr. Harris: That is incorrect grammar. You see, you should have said 'What is your first name, Mr. Harris?'
A man walks into a bar, gets drunk and sees an alien and his spacecraft, he runs to the police station and tells them, frantically 'We are going to be killed by aliens! They have big laser guns and will vaporize us!' He grabs a noose and tries to hang himself, shouting 'I don't want to be vaporised!' Quickly, the police chief saves him and sends him to a mental hospital.
6 months later, a professional photographer is out and about with his camera, when he sees the same alien that the drunk saw! He takes a picture and takes it to the police, realising that they have sent the drunk to a mental hospital for no reason, they let him go. He then sues the police £30,000 for the pain he suffered at the mental hospital, and the alien was captured by the government and sent to Area 51 for further test. It was later revealed that the alien was a dummy, planted by the neighbourhood pranksters as a joke, they were fined and let off with a warning
- 2,760
coldblooded69
(Banned)
- 9
is there anything else? I think it's like I'm reading a test exam...very devastating!:
try again lol!
try again lol!
