Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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Daniel
It's probably an inside joke that nobody else knows about.
Click to expand...
Well in that case...

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Saw this on a facebook post. Just one liners. Credit to OddCrunch, not me, but they probably stole them anyway. :lol:

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. I quit my job at the helium factory, I wasn't going to be spoken to in that tone.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say 'I want to be a comedian', well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself 'This changes everything.'

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. Say what you want about deaf people...

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said 'watch for children and I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 
Somebody please remind CNN that Jodi Arias has killed less people in America than Ebola.
 
Breaking news! A fight broke out late last night in a London fish'n'chip shop.

Latest reports suggest large amounts of chip were a-salted, 2 fish were battered and a group of pickles got called wallies.


I'll get my coat...
 
W3HS
Breaking news! A fight broke out late last night in a London fish'n'chip shop.

Latest reports suggest large amounts of chip were a-salted, 2 fish were battered and a group of pickles got called wallies.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a dangerous plaice.
 
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with
their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart." Then, the women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

I think some are hilarious...if you have been married for quite a while, a sign of true love... who else would you reply to in such a succinct and honest way.

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the **** did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???
 

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