Jokes!!

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Long setup, and questionable whether it's worth it: :D

The farmer at hill farm was upset. His prize-winning pig was losing weight and no matter what he did, he could not reverse the loss. Farmer Jones, in tears, called the vet in who arrived the next day.

After examination of the stricken pig the vet gave the farmer some medicine for the pig to take. "Once a day, every day, spoon it into it's mouth and make sure it swallows."

So, the farmer gave the pig the medicine for a week, but although the pig seemed healthier, it was thin and would not put on weight. He called the vet again, once more in tears for his stricken pig.

The vet scratched his head and then asked the farmer "Well, if you're desperate, you could try the old-fashioned way." The farmer asked what he meant. The vet opened his vet's bag, withdrew a cork, and said "You stick this up the pig's bottom."

Willing to try anything the farmer did exactly that. A week passed and things were going well. Two weeks past and the pig was getting very large. Three weeks later, after a busy week, the farmer saw the pig was just a little too big. He called the vet again. On the phone the vet panicked. "Oh, you're only supposed to leave it in for a couple of days! I forgot! I'll be there straight away!"

The vet arrives and examines the pig - now massive. "Okay," he says, "we need to take out the cork, that much is certain." The farmer goes to remove the cork but the vet holds him back. "I think we need the monkey."

The vet goes to his car and fetches a small monkey from the back seat, and an empty medicine bottle. He puts both down upon the floor and then takes a whistle from his pocket. The farmer watches slightly confused as the vet hands him the whistle. "Just blow once." The farmer blew the whistle, the monkey ran immediately to the bottle and pulled out the cork.

The vet nodded. "We just put the monkey next to the pig, easy." The vet's cellphone began to ring, so he excused himself and went back to the car. The farmer picks up the monkey and walks to the pigpen, dropping the monkey next to the pig, and moving to the outside of the pigpen. Thinking there was no time like the present, he blew the whistle.

The vet dropped his phone as he heard the whistle blow, followed by a small pop, a huge farting roar, a scream and a tidal wave of pig poo cascading over the pen wall, flattening the farmer and surging across the yard, stopping just before the vet's car.

The vet, steeling himself against the smell, waded through the poo to the farmer who he immediately saw was in tears again....but actually laughing, although he was covered from head to foot.

"I'm sorry about your pig, but why are you laughing?"

The farmer looked up at him, still howling with laughter - "You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!"
 
Bill Clinton, George W Bush, And George Bush Senior are all in a plane. Bill says, "I'm gunna throw 100 1 dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy." George Junior says, "Oh yeah, well I'm gunna throw out 10 10 dollar bills and make 10 people happy." George senior comes in, "well if you do that, then I'll throw 1 100 dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." The Pilot then says, well I'll throw all 3 of you out the window and make the entire country happy.



Alright, so this kid arrives to school 30 mins early, his teacher says, did you study your spelling words, he says no and goes back home. He goes into the living room were his sister is reading and asks, what are my spelling words? She answers, Shut up and go back to school! He then goes to his mom who is on the phone and asks, what are my spelling words? Since she is on the phone she says, Yes, and shoes him off. He then goes into the den, where his dad is watching football. He asks, what are my spelling words. He jumps up in exclamation, 49ers hit em hard! So the boy goes back to school and his teacher asks, did you study, he nods his head, So what are they? Shut up and go back to school! he said to her....She sent him to see the principal. He asks, do you want spankings mister? Yes. How many? 49ers hit em hard!




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Blitz
 
This is an oldie, but made my son nearly pee his pants....


Mickey Mouse is at court. He wants to divorce Minnie Mouse.
"i'm sorry Mickey" said the judge "but bucked teeth are no grounds for divorce."
Mickey looked at the judge in dismay.
"i didn't say she had bucked teeth, i said she was flocking Goofey."

Oh Hem.....



Snow White and the Seven Dwarfes all in the bath feeling grumpy...

... So Grumpy got out.


I can only apologise!
 
And it's twin:

Bill and Ben, in the bath.

Bill says "Flob-a-lob!"

Ben says "If that smells, I'm getting out."
 
So a trooper calls his superior to say that he thinks his partner is dead, the commander says, "ok, make sure he's dead first". the guy says ok, *blaster shot*, "ok, now what?:lol:
 
blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything."

"Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks."

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done."

With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."


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A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,



































"I'm just a really bad conductor
 
I can't believe I read that entire thing. From now on, its first paragraph - last sentence.
 
This is more of a puzzle than a joke, but I still found it funny ...







You are riding a horse at speed along the edge of a sheer cliff. On your other side is a giraffe. It is running in the same direction and at the same speed, so you cannot get away from the cliff that way. In front of you there is an elephant. It, too, is running in the same direction and at the same speed along the cliff edge, so you cannot speed up to pass it. Directly behind you there is a unicorn. It is following you and running at the same speed as you, so you cannot slow the horse down to get out that way.

So here's the question: how do you escape this situation before you fall off the cliff?















The answer? Stop drinking and get off the merry-go-round!
 
A general of the US Cavalry is locked in a massive battle against the natives on the frontier. As the battle rages, he realizes a weakness in the natives' strategy. Once the weakness is exploited, the cavalry wins easily and takes many prisoners.

Among the captured is the Chief of the native tribe. The Cavalry general, hoping to foster diplomatic relations with the natives tells the captives that they can go freely if they simply leave their weapons - to which the natives quickly agree.

The next day, the natives attack by surprise and, since they had been given an inside look at their opponent's defenses, were easily able to capture the cavalry.

This time the tribe Chief has the cavalry general captive - at which point he says:

"You let us go. But we no let you go. But, because you were kind, Chief grants you 3 wishes before you die."

The general responds.

"I just need ta talk ta mah horse."

The Chief agrees and has the horse brought to the general. When the horse arrives, the general whispers in its ear and it trots off. Not long after, the horse returns with a beautiful brunette on its back. The Chief, impressed that the general would use one of his last requests on sex, responds:

"Please, usum Chief's teepee"

The general goes in with the lady, does his thing, and is eventually brought back before the Chief.

"2 wishes left general."

"I'd like to see mah horse again."

Again the horse is brought forth, the general whispers in its ear and it trots off. This time, when it returns it has a beautiful blonde riding it. Again, this time even more impressed, the Chief offers the use of his teepee. Once the general is finished he's brought back before the Chief.

"1 wish left general".

"I'd like to see mah horse again if you don't mind."

Again the horse is brought forth. This time, the general grabs the horse by the ears, stares at its eyes and yells....











"I said POSSE!!!"
 
I think this joke is appropriate enough.

The story starts with a fly hovering 6" over a pond. A fish spots this fly and says to him self, "That fly is going to drop 6" to get a drink, and I'm going to have a nice breakfast. Well a bear notices the fish is just within reach and sees the fly and says to himself, "That fly is going to drop 6", the fish will jump to get the fly, and I'll snag the fish and have myself a nice breakfast. A hunter eating his sandwich looks out his cabin window and sees this about to happen. He puts his sandwich down and grabs his gun and as he's walking to the pond he says to himself, "That fly is going to drop, the fish is going to jump, the bear is going to grab the fish, and while the bear is distracted, I'm gonna shoot it and have a nice feast tonight. A squirrel sees the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, and the hunters sandwich. He says to himself. "That fly is going to drop, The fish is gonna jump, the bear is gonna grab the fish, the hunter is going to shoot the bear, and while the hunter is distracted, I'm going to take his sandwich and have myself a nice breakfast.
Well it all happens. The fly drops 6", the fish jumps and eats the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, and the squirrel darts off to the hunters cabin. Just before the squirrel grabs the sandwich, the hunters cat jumps and attacks the squirrel. The squirrel reacts and dodges the cat. The cat flys out the window and starts sliding down the hill. It hits a log and flys up and over the pond landing in the center.

The moral of the story is, when the fly drops 6", your gonna get some wet p*$$y.
 
Not entirely sure how this will go down, but bear with me ...





Prince Charles is visiting Australia for the first time and arrives in the middle of the scorching Australian summer. Strangely, however, he's wearing a fox-fur hat, the kind you might expect him to wear during an English winter. The Australian journalists take it in their stride as he continues to wear it despite being visibly uncomfortable until one plucky reporter asks him about it.

"Prince Charles," she says, "Why are you wearing a fox-fur hat?"

"Well," he replies. "I was talking to the Queen Mum about my trip and I was unsure of what to wear. When I told her I was coming to Australia, she said 'Where the ****'s that?' ..."

*****

A woman and her friends are out playing golf one day when she accidentally hits the ball out into a copse of trees. Frustrated at her bad shot, she ventures into the woods to retrieve the ball when she comes across a leprechaun.

"Hello there," he says. "I'm a leprechaun and you just so happen to be the first person I've met for years. No-one comes in here any more and it gets really lonely, so I'd like to thank you by grating you three wishes. There is one condition, though: you can ask me for whatever you want, but your husband will get fifty times whatever you ask for."

"That sounds fair enough," the woman says. "First of all, I'd like to be the richest person in the world."

"I can do that ... but your husband will be fifty times as rich. Are you sure you want this?" the leprechaun asks. The woman says yes, and she becomes incredibly rich.

"You've still got two wishes left," the leprechaun says.

"Thne I'd like to be the most beautiful person in the world. Sure, my husband will be fifty times better-looking, but he will only have eyes for me," she says. The leprechaun nods and the woman becomes incredibly beautiful.

"You've still got one wish left."

"In that case, I'd like a mild heart attack."
 
Do you race?
A woman and her friends are out playing golf one day when she accidentally hits the ball out into a copse of trees. Frustrated at her bad shot, she ventures into the woods to retrieve the ball when she comes across a leprechaun.

"Hello there," he says. "I'm a leprechaun and you just so happen to be the first person I've met for years. No-one comes in here any more and it gets really lonely, so I'd like to thank you by grating you three wishes. There is one condition, though: you can ask me for whatever you want, but your husband will get fifty times whatever you ask for."

"That sounds fair enough," the woman says. "First of all, I'd like to be the richest person in the world."

"I can do that ... but your husband will be fifty times as rich. Are you sure you want this?" the leprechaun asks. The woman says yes, and she becomes incredibly rich.

"You've still got two wishes left," the leprechaun says.

"Thne I'd like to be the most beautiful person in the world. Sure, my husband will be fifty times better-looking, but he will only have eyes for me," she says. The leprechaun nods and the woman becomes incredibly beautiful.

"You've still got one wish left."

"In that case, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Click to expand...

Ive heard this before, but without the golf, and her last wish was to be beaten half to death.
 
George Bush is in the Oval Office getting his daily briefing.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

"How many is a Brazilian?"
 
That was great.💡


If you ever find yourself lost in the woods, 🤬 it, build a house. Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I has severely improved my predicament.



I have a king size bed, I dont know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. Oh well your a king you say, well wait till you see what I got in store for you....It is to your exact specifications. I did not know you were all the same size. I think I can hook up your lady, too.
 
Danachronism
George Bush is in the Oval Office getting his daily briefing.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

"How many is a Brazilian?"
Click to expand...
Great! :lol:
 
BLITZ_69
That was great.💡


If you ever find yourself lost in the woods, 🤬 it, build a house. Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I has severely improved my predicament.



I have a king size bed, I dont know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. Oh well your a king you say, well wait till you see what I got in store for you....It is to your exact specifications. I did not know you were all the same size. I think I can hook up your lady, too.
Click to expand...


Mitch Hedburg. 👍
 
A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said "Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here. I live right above the shop and I'll help you out any time you want."

The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn't see them when he brought them in. Next morning is the son's birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage with it's legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he's talked about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop and knocked on the owner's door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.

The man then says "What can I do with the old one? I don't want to bury it as the cat may dig it up and I don't want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin".

The pet-shop owner replies "What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam."

The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner's recipe so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking. After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing.

But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn. He is at a loss to explain it as he's never had any in his garden before! Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.

"So", he said, "did you try that recipe I gave you?"

"Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where is landed I've got daffodils growing!"

"Daffodils?" asked the store owner, "Are you sure? You usually get tulips from hamster-jam"
 
Oh man that one's just awful :lol:

Here's one on the engineers theme that popped up on the thread a while ago. It's not particularly funny though...

Five accountancy students from the local college are taking a train trip to a county festival. They have a ticket each. There are also five engineering students on the train but they only have one ticket between them. The accountancy students are wondering how the engineers are going to avoid getting thrown off the train when the conductor arrives to check the tickets. Anyway, one of the engineering students, who was standing guard at the door, says "Here comes the conductor", at which point all the engineering students crowd into the lavatory. The conductor comes into the carriage, knocks on the lavatory door and says "ticket please", and the engineering students slide their single ticket under the door. The conductor is satisfied and moves on.

The accounting students think this is a great idea, so on the journey back they only buy one ticket between them. They get on the train, only to be confused once again as this time the engineering students haven't got a single ticket between the lot of them! Anyway the engineering student on lookout duty warns of the approaching conductor, so all the accounting students crowd into one lavatory while all the engineering students head for the other lav. But then, before the conductor arrives, one of the engineering students walks over to the lavatory where all the accountants are, knocks on the door, and says "ticket please". The accountants slide their ticket under the door, the engineering student takes the ticket, returns to his lavatory, and waits for the conductor...
 
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to the same lady at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air through his nose, and then
tells her that her hair smells nice. After two weeks of this, she can't
stand it anymore, so she takes her complaint to a supervisor in the
personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance
against him.The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget from the shipping
department...."
 
Slick6
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to the same lady at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air through his nose, and then
tells her that her hair smells nice. After two weeks of this, she can't
stand it anymore, so she takes her complaint to a supervisor in the
personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance
against him.The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget from the shipping
department...."
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
ok my brother and i were just making up random stories so this is one of the better ones we made.

How do you get an elephant into a fidgerator?

you open the door put the elephant in and close the door.

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how do you get a giraffe into a fidgerator?

you open the door take the elephant out, put the giraffe in and close the door.

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all the animals appeared when the lion king called to them except one animal what was it?

the giraffe, it's still in teh fridge.

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you want to cross a crocodile infested river how do you do so with out getting killed and eaten?

you swim across the crocodile is at the lion king's meeting

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how do you find a blue rabbit?

you look for it.

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how do you find a red rabbit?

you take a blue rabbit and dye it red

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how do you hind a blue rabbit?

by hiding it.

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how do you hide a red rabbit?

bye washing it back to blue

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how do you find a purple rabbit?

there is no such thing as a purple rabbit you moron....:yuck:
 

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