Jokes!!

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Nooooooooooooooo!

Cut down for ease of thread viewing. :(
 
Subject: This is bad....
When the torrential hurricane rains soaked Louisiana, the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. Jackson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come.
Lena noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Jackson "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Jackson said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come Hell or High Water."
 
What do you call a red-headed drunk?


Pickled ginger! OH!
 
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb at ...

Ferrari: None. The FIA does it for them.

McLaren: Four. One to steal a lightbulb from Ferrari, one to change it, a lawyer to convince the FIA to let them keep the new bulb, and a PR rep to say it's all a pro-Ferrari conspiracy when the FIA takes the bulb away.

Renault: One, but the entire team makes sure the bulb is always working. Everybody wants to make sure the light is as good as possible when Flavio's new girlfriend comes by.

Toyota: Twenty six. They stand there staring at the old bulb, throw money at it, and wonder why it won't come on.

Honda: Three. One to change the bulb, one to throw the old bulb at Toyota, and one to realize that was the good bulb they just threw at Toyota.

BMW Sauber: None. Swiss efficiency + German technology means their lightbulbs never burn out.

Red Bull: Four. One to take the old bulb out, one to pay Adrian Newey a boatload of money to make a lightbulb that runs on Red Bull, one to plan a huge party for the event, and one to wonder why they're spending so much time on lightbulbs when Webber's car just broke down again.

Toro Rosso: Four. One to ask Red Bull if they can use their lightbulb, one to ask Red Bull if they can use their ladder, one to ask somebody from Red Bull to come over and change their lightbulb, and one to ask somebody from Red Bull to come over and throw out the old lightbulb.

Williams: None. Frank Williams can't climb a ladder (all due respect to Sir Frank!).

Force India: Two. One to talk about how the lightbulbs didn't burn out in Eddie Jordan's day, and one to talk about how the lightbulbs won't burn out now that they have Mallya's money. The lightbulb still hasn't been changed.

Super Aguri: None. Super Aguri can't afford lightbulbs.
 
Maybe groan worthy, but I find it funny...

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
 
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss here. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
 
One day, Steve and his son decide to go to the BIG CITY. Having lived in Wales all their lives, they have never been to a shopping mall and decide to visit one while in the BIG CITY.

Once at the mall, everything they see blows their minds, especially a pair of shiny walls that keep sliding open and shut.
Having never seen an elevator before, the son asks Steve what it is.
"Son," Steve says, "I have never seen anything like this in my life."

At that moment, a fat woman in a wheelchair rolls up and presses a button. The walls open and she enters a tiny room behind them. The walls then close and the pair watch in awe as a set of sequential numbers light up above them. They continue to stare as the numbers then light up in reverse order. When the walls finally reopen, a gorgeous blonde woman steps out.

"Son," Steve says to his boy, "run home and get your mother."
 
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman,
"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight No strings attached.
It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman,
"You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman.
“You’re an anesthesiologist aren't you?"
"Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

this was from another forum
 
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an
alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had
a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood
up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those coyotes ain't screwing our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"


----------------------------------------------------


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After
they got their tent all set up both men fell sound asleep. Some hours
later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look towards
sky, what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole our tent.'
 
SteveO1965
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss here. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
Click to expand...

Heard it, except it sounds a lot better as the joke originally talks about him giving his friend the costume, not her dad.
 
Reventón;3205044
Heard it, except it sounds a lot better as the joke originally talks about him giving his friend the costume, not her dad.
Click to expand...
But dad adds a whole new level of Ewww that a friend just can't hope to achieve.
 
LeavA Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says,

"I am a farmer and my son will also farm.

I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said,

"I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,

Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land."
POOF!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains,

"Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,

5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country.

Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
"Fill it with water."

Leave it to a biker :👍
 
Little Johnny was doing his homework when he got stuck with one of the questions. He decided to ask his dad to help him out.

Johnny - "Dad, Whats the difference between theory and reality?"

Dad - "Well son, here's a little experiment. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with the milk man for £1m. Then ask your sister the same question."

So off Johnny goes and asks the question to his mother and sister.

Johnny - "Dad! Dad! They both said yes they would sleep with the milk man for £1m."

Dad - "Well there you go son. That is the difference between theory and reality. In theory we are sitting on £2m. In reality we are living with a pair of slappers."
 
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the
congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which
had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two
months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim
experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the
children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed
as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were
able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap
wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the
doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover
completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had
anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife,
the word is 'sternum.'
 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked
up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom! Wow I can see
she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...
He's naked, too!!! The b*tch !!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" he asked impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
 
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"
 
A Jew man is walking through the desert when suddendly he finds a Coke bottle. He opens it up, and surprise - a genie pops out of it!

Hello - says the genie. I'm the single wish genie, at your service.

So the man says: Okay, then I'll want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to get along.

-Get real, buddy. These countries have been fighting for five thousand years! And frankly, I'm good, but I'm not that good. Ask something else.

-Well... I've never found the ideal woman. I would like to have a hot, young, faithful woman, with a sense of humor, who likes to have sex, to cook, to clean the house, to watch football, that isn't jealous, and that isn't in love with credit cards.

The genie sighs and say:

-Let me see the damn map again...
 

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