Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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A couple more 'Your mama' jokes

1) Your mama's so stupid she climbed over a glass wall just to see what was on the other side
2) Your mama's so fat it take her a year to roll over
 
A man walks in to a chemist (drugstore for anyone on the dark side of the atlantic) and goes to the counter where there is an attractive young woman.

"May I help you?", she enquires.

"Well, er, I, er have a problem. Is there a man here, it's a little personal?" he said.

"Sir, I assure you I'm a professional, and there's nothing I've not seen before, you can't shock me." she replies.

"Well, okay, it's like this" he says, "I've had an erection now for a week, it's as hard as iron and the size of a cucumber, and no matter what I do, it never goes away, it's driving me insane. What can you give me for it?"

She looks a little surprised, thinks for a second and says "I'll have to speak with my sister about this, one moment." And with that she walks into the back room.

She reappears two minutes later and says "Well, I've spoken with my sister, and we agreed we can give you a lump sum of £20,000 and 40% of the business for it."


Kurtis.
 
A man walks into a bar.

Ow.

A man walks into a drum kit.

Ba-dum-tish!





... I suck at jokes.
 
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
 
ultrabeat
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Click to expand...


And where in gods name can i find a lawyer.


ok poor i know..
 
Mummy Balloon, Daddy Balloon and Baby Balloon all live together. Baby Balloon, as is typical with young children, can't stay the night in his own bed and tries to get into Mummy and Daddy Balloon's bed most nights.

Mummy and Daddy Balloon decide to do something about this, and so sleep snuggled tight together.

Late that night, Baby Balloon creeps into their room and tries to get into bed, but finds he can't get between Mummy and Daddy Balloon. He lets a little air out of Daddy Balloon...

Pffffffffft

But it's no use. He still can't get in. So he lets a little air out of Mummy Balloon...

Pffffffffft

Almost there, but he can't quite squeeze in. So he lets a little air out of himself...

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft

And success! He squeezes inbetween Mummy and Daddy Balloon and goes to sleep.

In the morning Mummy and Daddy Balloon wake up to find Baby Balloon between them. Daddy Balloon is very cross...




"You've let me down, you've let your mother down but, most of all, you've let yourself down..."
 
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again... When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, stares at his clipboard, and says:



(put on your best Chinese accent)




"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
 
Nice one:lol:

Someone told me this joke today at work, and im sure nothing bad is meant by it and no disrespect to anyone.

George best died of liver failure yesterday, today when walking past the butchers there was a sign saying..Best liver for sale..

I honestly tried not to laugh but ended up nearly crying of laughter.
 
There was a farmer who lived on a farm, he loved tractors, he had awards, pictures everything including a big red tractor, everyday he cleaned it made sure it was shining.

One day he crashed and broke his leg, was in hospital for a few months, when he got out, he sold all of his awards, he sold all of his pictures, and sold his pride and joy, the big red tractor, when he finally got his cast off, he went to the pub with his mate, while they were there, a poisonous gas canister exploded! Everyone panicked and ran around, but the farmer stood up on the bar, sucked in all the poisonous gas, his mate looked at him thinking what are you doing?! the farmer went outside, and let out all the gas. He went back inthe pub and his mate asked "what was that all about" and the farmer said, "well, i am an ex-tractor-fan"

:D
 
(double post)

No men walk into a bar.



It's called "The Flaming Carrot".
 
Who gets the blame if multiple people all fart at the same time in an elevator?







God.
 
If your ginger do not read this!


A woman gave birth and the doctor walked over to the happy couple,

"We got some good news, and some bad news" Said the doctor and the mother asked for the bad news first whilst holding onto her husbands hand.

"Ok, the bad news is that your baby is a ginger" Replied the doctor. Looking a bit surprised the father asked "Whats the good news then?"

And the doctor replied, "Well the good news is that its dead."
 

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