Jokes!!

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Can you imagine having Parkinsons and epilepsy? Opening the curtains in the morning would be a bi***
 
WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do: to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry....
I'm thinking of rum. It's rum that does all that stuff.

The original used whiskey but rum seemed to fit better.
 
TB
Yes, Doog. Let's "save" the joke thread by posting oral sex jokes. That's a great idea. :rolleyes:

Then you're clearly awesome.
Click to expand...

That means...absolutely no one on Earth is awesome.
 
Dooblewasur
But...it's true.
See?
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its-a-conspiracy.jpg



:lol:
 
TB
WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do: to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry....
I'm thinking of rum. It's rum that does all that stuff.

The original used whiskey but rum seemed to fit better.
Click to expand...

That, is, true.
 
First contribution to the thread (Probably pretty well-known):

Liquids do not change volume, but will always change their shape to fit the container.

By that logic, cats are liquids.
 
gamerdog6482
First contribution to the thread (Probably pretty well-known):

Liquids do not change volume, but will always change their shape to fit the container.

By that logic, cats are liquids.
Click to expand...

:lol: That's pretty good:tup:.
 
One liners - both jokes by me on the fly earlier today:

[finding a squished metal BB pellet on a table] "Hey, this is one of those special edition M&Ms that were recalled!"

"If it's Peanut Butter Jelly Time here right now, than in South Africa it's Peanut Butter Jelly Time plus 8 hours."
 
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?

It ran out of juice.
 
A man walks into a bar with a drink. He does not drink it, just stares at it for half an hour.

Another man walks into the bar and sits next to the man. He takes his drink and gulps it down. The man starts sobbing. "Hey, sorry man. I'll buy you another one, I hate seeing a guy cry".

The sobbing man replies, "No, it's fine, I've just had the worst day of my life". "How so?" the other man asks.

"Well, first I overslept and was late to work. My boss fired me. I went to the parking lot and found out my car was stolen. I then called a cab and drove home, but I forgot my wallet and phone in there and he didn't turn around. Then, when I walked in, my wife was sleeping with the gardener. And now, I've just ended up at this bar, lonely".

The other man says, "Gee, man that sucks. What made you come to the bar?"

"Well, I thought about ending it all, and you just drank my poison".
 
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint...
 
So today I was in my Japanese class. There's a black guy sitting behind me. Apparently having KFC coupons and calling him Tyrone aren't the best things to do. On the bright side I got my KFC
 
Please stop with the racist jokes...they are the reason all your jokes are getting deleted...
 
I have a Twitter account. I'm indeed a prolific tweet-er. When I ask most folks if they have a Twitter account, they say no. I'm often told it's pointless.

Which is funny, because these folks all have Facebook accounts...


OOOOOOHHHH!!
 
Dooblewasur
I have a Twitter account. I'm indeed a prolific tweet-er. When I ask most folks if they have a Twitter account, they say no. I'm often told it's pointless.

Which is funny, because these folks all have Facebook accounts...

OOOOOOHHHH!!
Click to expand...

Burned....
 
Wake me up when we actually have some funny jokes.....
 
Here is a joke that I actually got told today:

Person: Hey, I've got a funny joke.
Me: All right, what is it?
Person: Ask me if I'm a tree.
Me: Okay, are you a tree?
Person: No.

He then burst out laughing, and I just walked away.
 
I see hardly anybody has listened to my rule :(
 
What has happened to the quality of this thread? It's going to get locked if y'all keep up with the lame jokes and that will make more than a few people, including myself, rather angry to the point where my head might explode. You wouldn't want that would you?

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How I feel about this thread the last few weeks. ^
 
Q: What do you get when you give a guy both Rogain and Viagra at the same time?

A: Don King!

iconic-hair-don-king.jpg
 
I took some Viagra before bed, but I didn't swallow it all the way, because I woke up with a stiff neck.
 
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